Dating new person

[Kolbie]

Hello,
Recently began dating someone who says ex was a gambling addict so left a long-term relationship over this. He said she was aggressive and violent. I have asked if can get her side of story through a third party speaking to her.
He says this is unreasonable and he is being honest, nothing to hide. I can see his point of view about involving ex however I feel like I only have 1 side.
Should I continue with him?

Beware of men with “crazy ex’s”, beware of men that after 7 dates tell you an incredibly dramatic story were they play the “victim” role. I could be wrong but it This man has more flags than a commie parade. I would try and get a background check in this man, forget about talking with the ex, that’s just nuts 🌰

A friend's new date said that both his ex girlfriend and his ex wife had jealousy issues. Surprise, surprise wasn't long before he turned out to have mad jealousy issues.

I think you can figure him out without sounding his ex out - which would be weird.

Yes, it's possible. My ex scratched and hit me periodically. Not once was it in my head to hurt her. Not even tempted. It's not always necessary to meet violence with violence.

Whether this bloke is the same, who knows, but like others said it's a bad sign not trusting. More to the point, if they disagree do you really think you can actually decide who's telling the truth? I wouldn't stop someone speaking to my ex, but I also wouldn't be impressed .. even tho I know our perspectives align well & she'll speak well of me🤷‍♂️

So would you be happy if he asked you to set up a meeting with your ex, just to verify who was violent? And that you aren't lying?

In a new relationship I don't think it's odd to not take everything as fact and to be cautious. I also don't think it's odd to do a bit of snooping.
What is odd though is to take it to this level and tell him you want evidence.

Have you mentioned that to him? Has he demanded to talk to your violent ex in order to check you are not lying?

Your request is truly bizarre and if I were him, I would have dumped you on the spot

This!

Whats stopping the ex, if she is this dangerous, from completely lying as she is a violent addict?

You haven't thought this through OP. You don't sound ready to date, at all.

Why don't you just do a Claires law application. You'll soon find out the truth.

If this was a man asking to hear the story of another man who'd allegedly abused someone he was dating, surely you'd think it was madness to ask?

I'd be very wary about getting involved with someone with a chaotic past if you yourself have already suffered violence.

Maybe do the freedom programme and research a bit more about abusive relationships and love bombing at the start.

If you do genuinely like this bloke take things slowly. Try saying "no" a few times and see how he reacts.

I think you already don't trust him so I'd suggest listening to those instincts and move on.

Who are his children living with?

If they're living with her, his story is bullshit.

This! I agree. Very bizarre behaviour. Only way it's acceptable is if there's kids involved and you'd be spending time with them potentially.

If I were him I would ditch you. If my now husband spoke to an ex of mine there would be no accusations of violence of gambling either. But I would not appreciate a new boyfriend wanting to interview my exes to check me out anyway.

But equally if you are that worried about him potentially having a violent past, then walk away now.

I dated a guy with a story like this briefly. All very intense, long phone calls, sob story about his crazy violent ex and how she was withholding the kids etc. I ended it quickly because it all rang too many alarm bells. Two years later he was in the papers, sentenced for pushing his ex down the stairs.

Life's too short to get embroiled in drama. Get rid.

You're being incredibly weird.

As if a violent addict would verify his story. My ex is an addict and very charming so he would lie and make himself out to be the wronged partner.

If a new boyfriend wanted to meet him, I'd dump him.

In other words if you read the SS report that would say that he enabled her and they failed to safeguard the children from whatever was happening. If he wasn't then awarded residency then she's been willing to engage and he hasn't. If it was police tbh it's the same thing. It would be rare that he isn't bringing a load of issues, which at least is knowing what a healthy relationship is and how to behave respectfully towards a partner.

Also if he's going to go for contact, or you want a child with him in the future and his children have been on CP plans, then SS will want honesty from him and you'd have to agree that you might have to be the main carer. He could be slowly setting you up. While speaking to an ex isn't on, a person in that situation would usually request the records and let their new partner read them. There's definitely more to come out.

I agree with poster above that if children are with the mother this story is bollocks.

Yes, this.

My ex was a violent alcoholic. When I met my current partner, if he'd said 'Hmm, you say your ex was a drunk who beat you up, but I'd like to get his side of the story', I would have thought he was fucking insane and I'd have walked away immediately.

Thank you for advice everyone I realise the way I went about it is not right.

I often set up interviews with a new partners' violent exes. I mean, if you can't believe a violent ex's story, who can you trust?

How do you arrange that?

I'm sorry, but this simply not correct. Women who are violent to towards their husbands often still have custody of the children. I can think of two examples just among people I know.

Do you go looking out for violent men then ask them for their ex’s phone number? (That’s a strange hobby you have) or are you some sort of social worker? Sorry it’s just an incredibly strange post.