AIBU to be upset - comment at Ru Paul’s Drag Con …

[13umpuu]

Before anyone has a moan about drag in general, please don’t, the post isn’t about that…

I’m a fan of Ru Paul’s drag race UK. I love seeing all the effort that goes into the make-up looks and I admire the creativity of the outfits. I also enjoy the behind the scenes footage of the contestants as they make friends and share their experiences.

DP got tickets to Drag Con for Xmas - an event which is a combination of shows, catwalks and meet/greet. I hadn’t asked to go and I was a bit reluctant. I’m fairly shy.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, we went and it was fun. As we were leaving I spoke to one of the performers and gushingly said how amazing I thought their dance routine/song had been (the only person I’d spoken to during the event except DP)… they really are incredibly talented. Their reply seemed very heartfelt and was something like… ‘oh that’s so sweet of you, thank you’, followed by an air kiss/hug… then they said ‘get your hair done’, as if under their breath but really very much out loud, to a group of people nearby who’d seen us speak and clearly knew the comment was about me. It was greeted with much laughter.

I felt (and still feel) so upset. Partly because it was a bit of a shock but partly because I know it’s true. I’m relatively pretty but I’m just a mum, wasn’t wearing jeans/anything really scruffy and I’m not particularly polished (and my hair probably could do with being done!).

I turned away so nobody could see and promptly burst into tears. Now I can’t stop thinking about it and feel so upset.

YABU - why be upset - it’s just a stranger making some throw away remarks to have a laugh, brush it off, it’s funny (and you’ve just said it’s true!)

YANBU - I’d be upset too

He knew that he would never be able to look like you. You should've pulled his fucking wig off

Haha what a description!

Yup! Spot on.

I'm sorry you were so upset, but if it wasn't your hair he would have picked you up on something else.

Such a shame a lovely night was ruined for you.

So many generalisations. Not all queens hate women. Not all queens have offensive names. Not even the majority.

I think many men, who we say hate women, are more jealous than hating. Because we are, by nature, what they want to be.

Do they hate their mothers and sisters?

I've met men who truly hate women. Some gay, some straight. One hated women so much he'd spent most of his life shagging as many as he could. (Including his mother's elderly friends and his teenage son's gf).

But back to the point. OP I think you were being a bit sensitive. Anyone could have said that to you and your reaction would have been the same. As a pp said, you need to build your self-esteem and/or develop a thicker skin x

Drag is misogyny.

I think many men, who we say hate women, are more jealous than hating. Because we are, by nature, what they want to be.

Really? I don't see this at all. I didn't think drag queens wanted to be women.

"It’s like it’s designed to be a parody of women implying that women all bitchy airheads"

You're clearly new on MN then ...

Couldnt agree more! Also, considering how they look, I'd pay no heed to their appearance "advice"- they all look hideous

@13umpuu I would be interested to know if you still like Drag and watching it on TV. Or can you now see the misogyny behind it?

I think what has happened in recent years is the elision of two drag traditions to create an "inclusive ranbow family" extravagza appealing to the mainstram.

There is the more adult, subversive, boundary pushing tradition of drag performance that has its routes in gay club cluture and the more mainstream tradition of female impersonation which has its root in british music hall and comedy (although that tradition can be pretty sharp and scathing - see Dame Edna, Sissy and Ada etc..)

To me there is a distinct difference between to two, with the first being a very adult and aquired taste, the second being a bit more mainstream and less sexualised (it is more the pantomime Dame tradition)

There seems to be some shock and dismay when performers more from the first tradition, understandably, are taking advantage of the current popularity of drag to get more work and people who thought it was all sashaying, Yaas girlfriend and sparkly frocks get a bit of a taste of the more subversive and sexual aspects of some drag.

It makes perfect sense. It's a dramatic tool.

It's your post which makes no sense. Hated of men? For standing up against hatred of women?

Absolutely this.

This does have to do with drag tho. It was part of their character at the time to be mean and belittle women, so yes they used you as the joke, which is horrid, but then can you not see that’s what drag queens do? Laugh at people?

I was at the London Palladium panto last week.
There’s a bit where Julian Clary insults the front row of the audience along the lines of “Horizontal stripes darling? You’ve really stopped caring haven’t you?” People choose those seats so they can be the butt of the jokes.

It is part of the act. The performer most likely thought you were expecting him to say something bitchy.

To be fair, what he said was not the cleverest or most creative insult, but I think you’ve just failed to pick up on that element of the show.

At least your hair is natural, unlike his. Why does it need 'doing'? Are we all supposed to be polished and smiling and compliant all the time? Yes we are, according to some. But he just made a cheap joke for a 'look at me' laugh. If you'd looked like Kate PoW with her gorgeous hair he'd have found something else, like if she turned sideways she'd disappear and should get some chips down her. Seriously, ignore it.

If they were directing degrading jokes specifically about other groups of people would it be acceptable? Or is it just because it’s men being horrible to women that makes it excusable?

They insult individuals, not groups.

Drag is a mockery of women and the ‘jokes’ are further insults of women. Women are a group, whilst misogyny is not seen as bad as racism, homophobia, ableism etc then people will keep excusing it.

YANBU but that is just part of their thing. I bet they’d find something like that to say about anyone, and yours just happened to be about your hair. Easy for me to say, but try not to take it personally - they probably didn’t think you would.
i think if I were you though, I’d tweet them (if on Twitter) and tell them how it made you feel. Say you get it was hopefully just a joke, but as a shy person who had been apprehensive of attending, and as a mum who doesn’t feel like she has as much time to spend on her appearance as perhaps she’d like, you felt really shut after the comment they made.

Oh yes, put it in twitter and get 1000s of replies calling her a ‘Karen’ 😒

Regardless of a drag queen or not they said something nasty

and in a not expected context

sorry

I know you said you don't want a moan about drag in general but the misogyny inherent in drag and the lack of respect for women that is part of drag culture is what led to the upsetting comment. You cannot separate the two.

The context was a Drag event. It was entirely expected, OP just missed that memo.

This.

I genuinely cannot understand the appeal of drag, especially to women. Is it internalised misogyny?