Help me settle disagreement with DH?

[sssf24]

This is a little lighthearted and obviously not a hugely relationship ending issue, but it's irked me enough to want to post here to gain some perspective.

This afternoon our just turned 3 year old DD was playing with dolls from a doll house, and was role playing mummy had hurt herself. She then said "daddy look after mummy", and role played the daddy comforting mummy etc. I said "aw is daddy going to look after the baby while mummy gets better?" and DD was like yeah... etc.

I then lightheartedly said to DH, who was in the room so overhearing this interaction I had with our daughter: "I think it's important to teach her that mums should be looked after when they're not well too, and that Daddy should step up when mummy is unwell and look after baby... Last think I want for her is to feel the pressure to conform to society's expectations of women when she's older, like I felt" - or words to that effect. But my message being - I'm role playing this with her so she gets the message from a young age about societal imposed gender roles and expectations of women, hoping to dispel some of that for her (if that makes any sense).

DH then commented back "yes but she's barely just turned 3, what's the point?" I replied I didn't think it was ever too young to teach her that she doesn't need to martyr herself as a woman simply because society expects it. I said I thought it was an important lesson, just as important as her learning colours or numbers.

DH then said he didn't think society imposed such messages. I said he was wrong in my lived experience as a woman, and he was invalidating that. I asked him how could he possibly know, as a male, what the lived experience of a woman was? I said he's wrong and society does give such messages to women and that men are generally in a more privileged position in many ways.

He then rolled his eyes a bit and said, "and I'm sure women are more privileged than men too in lots of ways." I laughed and asked him to name one such example before I listed hundreds of examples to support my argument. He replied "well I can't right now but if I did some research I'm sure I'd find a few".

He also then made a (ridiculous in my opinion) throwaway comment that "next you'll be teaching her "they/them" pronouns". I was a bit confused here and replied I wasn't sure what on earth "they/them pronouns" have to do with the message I was indeed trying to convey to her? That part was very odd.

That was pretty much the end of the discussion and although it was a lighthearted back and forth on the back of an innocent interaction with out child, I honestly felt quite invalidated by him, and that he just doesn't "get it". Which makes me sad considering we have a daughter to raise together.

So I suppose my AIBU is in 3 parts:

1. AIBU to feel a bit invalidated as a woman after this interaction?

2. Can anyone shed any light on what on earth the "they/them" pronoun issue has to do with anything I was saying?

3. Is DH correct that there are ways women are more advantages than men in society? If so what are these? (I couldn't bring any to mind and neither could he!)

@Westernesse can your fragile male ego not take it?

Poor thing

Leave me alone please. You won’t engage with the discussion points so I’m not interested in being targeted personally. Please stop.

@kisstheblarney

have you heard of a typo? I missed out "an" in front of "OP's" - as in, "read all of an OP's comments before asking a question that's been answered already.

I was mirroring the format of the poster's comment/question in my response to them. Hence I did not use "my" and instead opted for "an OP's" on front of "comments".

Crikey.

There is a level of dissection and analysis going on here that even I was not prepared for 😂

I genuinely had an inkling from the first comment made, not gonna lie 😬

@Westernesse and I think most women on here would like an MRA to stop commenting on the forum in general.

😂

I’m not an MRA and you reference my “fragile male ego”. You might think I am male but that is a personal attack directed at what is a protected characteristic.

maybe it’s my “fragile black ego” or “fragile disabled ego” or “fragile gay ego”.

Either way, I have not attacked you personally at any point and I have asked you to leave me alone. Why won’t you?

Depending on if he steps up when op is ill! If he does then yes I do, as he naturally would have felt attacked. But bit odd if so that he didn’t say I do x y and z for you when you’re unwell so we are modeling this for her, no need to add specific lessons! Or something referencing he does care for the op and baby.

Well I agree with you, except for me it would be a major issue. Couldn’t be married to a man who wouldn’t accept that women are massively shat on by society.

@Westernesse ooof

You’re ticking off the hurt man baby bingo tonight.

I don’t think you’re male. I know you’re male.

You seem to forget I can see all your previous MN comments

Ok ...........

This will be the 4th time of asking. Please leave me alone.

@Westernesse I’ll leave you alone once you stop quoting me in comments.

Goodness me some men are insufferable

@Codlingmoths

He does step up, yes. I said in my previous comments that he's generally a decent man who does a lot and by comparison to my friends' husbands he is really good. His words and apparent attitudes sometimes don't match up with his conduct within the family, though. That's where I get confused as there's an apparent disparity.

perhaps he is sick of the life he lives being still not good enough to the point that he still needs to listen to your life lessons and wisdom imparted passive aggressively through your daughter’s play on a Sunday afternoon.

he’s walking the walk. How is that still not good enough for you?

it can be insufferable at times, trying to be a good person and live up to your role and responsibilities in life. Then when you succeed, still being hit over the head with dogma that doesnt apply to you can be very draining.

So why were you having the conversation with him if it's the norm in your home anyway? Surely that's where DD will learn from?

I'm not surprised he rolled his eyes at you!

@kisstheblarney @Westernesse

Since you both appear incapable of reading all of AN OP's / MY (see what I did there, @kisstheblarney ☺️) posts, and since I cannot be fucked to copy and paste all of the relevant information from them that answers your most recent points, may I please refer you both to my multiple posts made on this thread today between the following time points:

17:52 and 18:37

That should clear those queries / comments up for you.

I'm not reposting because you came late to a discussion and couldn't be arsed to read what went before.

So you think you were entirely reasonable. Why did you ask the question?

It does sound a bit like you shoe horning your own views about how men/ your husband behave into the 'play session.' It was clear you were sort of 'lecturing' him, so I guess that's why he responded that way. I don't think it means anything that deep if he is anti- sexist in his day to day life. Thing is men don't fully realise their privalege a lot of the time.
I had a fella tell me that 'apparently childbirth isn't that painful. Kidney stones is worse'- He had never had kidney stones. Haha, at least it wasn't that!
So yeah, men say really annoying things sometimes about gender and stuff. You have every right to be a bit peeved with him though, but it does take 2 to tango.

@Westernesse

Wow that was quick reading.

There are several posts between those time points that will answer your previous question to me.

If the message you took from those collective posts was that I believe I was "entirely reasonable", then, I assure you that you either 1) did not read them, or 2) have significant comprehension difficulties.

Yikes - your example is way more infuriating I'll accept!

Although I'll admit I've never had kidney stones, I'm sure they're not pleasant 🫣

So what is it I’ve said that you disagree with?

you’d defer to him on a topic if you didn’t agree with him if he came out with “but that’s my lived experience, don’t invalidate me”?

Really? Cos it was so seemingly blatant I thought the discussion was going to be him moaning about you talking about him to DD like that.

@Westernesse

You said this:

So you think you were entirely reasonable. Why did you ask the question?

...and that is what I disagree with.

Reading my previous posts between the time points as previously stated, will show you multiple examples of the ways in which I expressed to previous posters what was going on for me at the time, and what my post incident reflections and musings were. Clue: it was not that I was "entirely reasonable". Feel free to peruse them if you'd like a more accurate understanding.

I'm not spending time repeating myself.

Ok, you were having a go at me before I said that though. So what was it that I’ve said here in this thread that you take issue with?