The taboo of disliking your Mother

[Daughternotdaughter]

Name changed for this as I don't want it linked to previous posts.

I've spent a wonderful afternoon visiting with my aunt who I treat as my honorary Mom. She fulfilled the nurturing element of my childhood and continues to fulfill that role into my adult life.

I always had a difficult relationship with my Mother, she is hyper critical of me; I'm never quite good enough, thin enough, responsible enough. I hold a very senior position in a professional, registered role, I'm married, have a child and we're mortgage free. I have a normal BMI but I'm very strict with my diet.

I dislike my Mother and have little respect for her, she is self-absorbed and has tantrums if she doesn't get her own way. Growing up we always pandered to her moods with our Father frequently telling us, "don't upset your mother". I lived in fear of her moods, outbursts and silent treatment.

There's a societal tendency to idealise the mother-daughter relationship, and those facing difficulties in this dynamic may feel societal judgment. It's crucial for society to acknowledge the complexity of such relationships and provide support rather than judgment for those navigating challenging familial dynamics. Comments such as "you can't dislike your mother" and "you only have one Mom, you'll miss her when she's gone" perpetuate the belief of the idealised relationship and essentially gaslight the child.

It would be interesting to hear from those in a similar situation and how you navigate the above responses.

I just joke about it with otherz tbh. I just say "you've not had to put up with her!"

My mum is a funny case because she was a fantastic mum growing up, but now she provides practical support, but she cannot empathise or provide emotional support at all. This is difficult and she is also very critical.

At best: Good for them that they've been so fortunate as to not have any comprehension of how abusive a parent can be.

When I'm actively being harangued because 'but it's your mother/blood's thicker than water/you'll miss her when she's gone/I wish mine was here?

Fucking morons want to piss right off/that is literally the exact opposite of what the full quote means/I might, but I've missed having a loving, nurturing parent all my fucking life, so I'd only be missing what I should have had from the outset/I'm sorry for your loss now fuck off imposing your experiences over mine.

I was the only child of 6 not to attend mother’s funeral. Since I turned 18 until she died when I was 50, I saw her maybe 10 times? With two 10 year periods of not seeing her. Suffice to say that’s a tricky relationship.

In all that time, my relationship with my mother has come up in some detail with friends, and more in passing with others. I don’t go on about it, but for example if asked by a colleague how often I visit, I might say, “Ah - we’re not close actually” and move on.

I can remember the one and only time I had a negative reaction - and I remember that the other person present shut down that person instantly, not me.

So I don’t recognise your experience at all. Quite the opposite - specific to my own case and in general conversation, I hear, “mother daughter relationship - they can be difficult things”.

I didn’t exactly dislike my mother but I didn’t feel any real warmth towards her or identity with her and didn’t much respect her.

I don’t think it’s as uncommon as you suggest. Blood ties are no guarantee of closeness.

I'm in the same boat. I don't like, let alone love my mother. There is no bond there. This isn't because I'm a heartless person, it's because my mother bullied me senseless as a child. She was also burdening me with her mental health and marriage problems and crying over her crush on her pottery teacher when I was 6 years old. I could certainly never turn to her for support and she was such a bully that it killed any bond i may have had. She hit me a lot and it would sometimes be more like laying in to me than hitting. It used to upset me how she treated my dad, but as I grew older I realised that there was not much I could do about it.

I just explain to people that she bullied me and that if they met her they'd think she was sweet, but that some people are different behind closed doors. If pressed I would probably point out that people thought Harold Shipman was a lovely man.

I refuse to be gaslit about it.

Who do you get those responses from OP? I'm just wondering if part of it is you feeling guilty (you shouldn't) and putting yourself down. I haven't seen my mother for years and I've learnt it's best to be straight with people rather than play it down. Something like "I don't see my mother. We never had the normal mother/daughter relationship and eventually I had to walk away to protect my mental health". Or even more to the point "I don't see my mother - she was abusive as I was growing up". Nobody's going to argue with that. I know it's not easy though 💐

^^ saved me typing it!

I've been NC for years. I just tend to say they are not good people and I don't want them in my life. If people keep pushing at me about it I will tell them in detail what they did to me. That tends to shock them into silence.

My mother has narcissistic traits.

I was never good enough. Everything I did, she had a better way and always insisted on showing me. Even things like cutting vegetables or sweeping the floor.
If she didn't get her own way she would throw tantrums and storm off crying, leaving everyone else feeling bad.

She didn't protect me from my abusive father. When she discovered that my cousin had sexually abused me, we didn't see him or his mother for years. However, when my Grandfather died, they were back on the scene, in the house, and let me befriend him. Two years after this, I realised who he was. She refused to stop him coming into the house cos "what can I do, he's my sister's son". Now her excuse is "I could hardly stop him coming round when you had previously made friends with him, could I?'

Yeah, our relationship is very fractured and no, I don't want to spend time with her.

I don't enjoy my mother's company. Shes a very unhappy, fearful person with narcissistic tendencies. Shes never happy, nothing is ever good enough for her, me very much included. I have done a huge amount of intense grieving for our relationship, have had a lot of therapy and I'm low contact with her these days

I very rarely discuss this with other people. Obviously my DP and close friends know all about it, as well as a couple of colleagues who have similar family situations. I'm very aware of how flippant and judgemental people can be, so I tread VERY carefully and avoid opening up these very sensitive parts of myself to others. If I did ever hear any cliches about how 'shes the only mum you have etc', I would be moving the conversation along sharpish

I don't dislike my mum, she wasn't abusive but we are polar opposites and I do struggle to relate to her sometimes. She feels validated by relationships/men and looking physically attractive (gets botox, fillers etc) and I don't care about that. I'm fat and I know she thinks that is gross.

The you'll miss her when she's gone/you only get one mother/mine died and I'd give anything to have a mum again posts on here get right on my tit ends.

Haven't seen mine in years and have no desire to and certainly won't miss her when she's dead. I might go to the funeral though just to make sure she's in the box

People who had/have loving mothers will never ever get it. They should shut their yaps on the subject though rather than lay on a predicted guilt trip.

My narcissistic, controlling mother decided she didn't like me and just cut me out of her life. I was distraught at first, but now realise it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

agree completely @gamerchick
My mother has been dead just over a year. I don't miss her at all.
Prior to that I'd been very low contact with her - fortnightly phone calls,visits every two or three months
In polite company I described my relationship with her as complicated, but it wasn't really. She was just never there for me, to the point where she witnessed my teenage boyfriend hit me, and simple shut the door, walked away and said nothing. She said nothing when I miscarried a baby as an adult.
because of her constant little put downs I wouldn't leave my D D with her, because I didn't want her saying the same stuff to my daughter that she did to me
people say you should love your mother, but at the end up mine wasn't worthy of it. although it took me a lot of angst to realise that. And I still have nightmares about her.

My mum is horrible ..rude, narcissistic, bully etc.

Neither me or my siblings are NC or LC .. I think we all worry it will end up with one person holding it all together, and we think that by diluting the misery, it makes it easier for all of us.

She’s in a care home now for elderly mentally ill .. makes it all easier (and more difficult) at the same time.

All I’ve done is see what are was like, and been the polar opposite with my daughter

This is an interesting topic.

I don't dislike my mother - I don't know her enough to have those kind of feelings. She abandoned me when I was two and showed up on two occasions while I was growing up, once when I was 8 and again when I 16. She really gave me the impression that she did not care about me at all.

I feel women who abandon their children get treated very differently from men. Either way I have sympathy with you op as people generally are uncomfortable when people criticise mother like somehow they are more important than fathers and you have to like your mother!

I know this post is about mums but we went through this with FIL. I was that person saying you’ve only got one dad, you’ll be sorry when he’s dead. I had an incredibly good relationship with my late dad. I couldn’t understand why DH was NC with his, he’s still his dad. I talked DH into rekindling the relationship… I wish I’d kept my fucking mouth shut and my opinions to myself. He was a vile narcissist bully who used to beat the kids and his wife.
He bullied our DS’s and DH, even though DH is in his 50’s he was still too scared to stand up to him. I banned him
from our home in the end.
He died about a year ago and none of his kids or grandkids(and there a lot of them)went to his funeral. We don’t even know (or care) where he’s buried.
I learned a crucial lesson, not all parents are equal and they don’t all deserve a part in your life.

My mother is the same. To others she’s a lovely supportive person and it would be hard to believe it’s the same person who physically abused me as a child.

Wierdly I don’t miss not having her in my life. We are NC and it’s ok. Major events happen that she’ll miss out on in my life and in her grandchildren’s life and it’s her loss as far as I’m concerned but we are all the better for not having someone like her in our lives

<sits down with everyone>
Mine is a slippery character. Growing up (only child) i had an ok childhood, but i didn't 'see' her properly. I went along with how she approached other people (what they don't know can't hurt them manipulatory stuff) because i didn't know any better. I had no closeness as a teen - my mother was prudish.

As i got older she started to lose her hold over me and became jealous and bitter anything i did which she hadn't done, (holidays, weight loss, number of kids, anything) and then when those kids were old enough she would try to manipulate them the way she did with me.

I warned them though, and now (as 20 somethings) we can look back and laugh at nan talking rubbish about who said what.

I'm getting over the feeling of loss of the nice mother daughter relationship, but what grates on me now is all the ''Oh what a dear old lady she is'' crap. She's not. She's a manipulative, jealous cantankerous cow. And always has been. But you can't say that can you. You just have to smile and nod 🙄

I hear you, much more common than people think. My mother drives me mad and I blame her for her overly critical stance when I was growing up. It took me literally years to find my confidence. I was determined to be a totally different mother to her and me and DD are very close as a result. Don’t think I’ll miss her much when she dies.

I don’t hate my mother but we have so little in common that I often wonder how we can be related.

She and my step father have lived a small life. They do little as it involves spending money which they hate to do and, my stepfather in particular, does not value experiences, only things. They are baby boomer rich and it is all in the bank rather than used to make their lives easier or more pleasant eg. putting on the heating, even when guests visit.

Despite both coming from very average backgrounds they look down on everyone and are bitter even though they could have done everything and had everything that others have if they had looked outside their small world and taken the odd risk.

They don’t talk about anything difficult or that might diminish them - everything is whispered and a secret - I assume in case others look down on or pity them. My sibling’s teenage mental health issues were never addressed which has been catastrophic for him and alienating for me as he is now a truly unloveable human being and, out of guilt, they prioritise his feelings over mine. He is the fragile one.

My uncle had to tell me that my father had committed suicide when I was 42, rather than had a heart attack which is what I had been told in the period between age 4 when he died and age 42 when I had a child of my own.

I feel very little for them and the world they inhabit. But it did give me the ambition to leave which I did at 18. I see them but I’d be perfectly happy not to. I wish the guilt would leave me.

My mum was mostly neglectful and is a very self centred and bitter person. She had. Her moments when I was very little but mostly checked out when I got to around 10. As an adult she openly favours my sibling.
i dislike her personality and i am sure she dislikes mine. I don’t really respond to peoples comments tbh I don’t feel I need to justify anything. Most people who know us both know who she is

I'm nc with mine, she regularly hit me and my siblings with a wooden spoon and called us wh*res and c**ts and told us we were fat while not being there for us physically or emotionally. I didn't have enough food, clothes, support or love as a child. As adults she acted like we were competition, ignored all boundaries and publicly put us down. No way do I want that near my dcs and around my own carefully reconstructed life. I'm really wary about sharing that I don't speak with her because how do you explain to a friend the reality of that without suddenly making everything really dark and awkward. She's known to stalk people so it's hard having to keep off social media too. I wish this was a more widely understood situation so I didn't have to reveal childhood trauma for people to understand.

My mum died early last year and I feel as if a weight has lifted off me. I loved her but it was complicated and difficult. She was hugely critical of me - I always tell people the nicest thing she ever said about me was that "medusa is more decorative than functional". They think I'm joking. Or she was. I'm not and she definitely wasn't.

I come from a large family and she definitely played favourites. I was at or very near the bottom of her list. Not all people are nice. Not all mums are good. I've tried to be better for my kids but know I haven't entirely succeeded thanks to the damage mum did to me. Just as her mum did to her.

I don't share any values in common with my mother but I've gone nc with her now so it doesn't affect me. Admittedly I never volunteer this information to others so I don't get any criticism of it, but I've certainly heard of other difficult relationships between women and their mothers so I don't think it's universally idealised. Going nc was incredibly freeing and frees me from the burden of analysing the situation.