The taboo of disliking your Mother

[Daughternotdaughter]

Name changed for this as I don't want it linked to previous posts.

I've spent a wonderful afternoon visiting with my aunt who I treat as my honorary Mom. She fulfilled the nurturing element of my childhood and continues to fulfill that role into my adult life.

I always had a difficult relationship with my Mother, she is hyper critical of me; I'm never quite good enough, thin enough, responsible enough. I hold a very senior position in a professional, registered role, I'm married, have a child and we're mortgage free. I have a normal BMI but I'm very strict with my diet.

I dislike my Mother and have little respect for her, she is self-absorbed and has tantrums if she doesn't get her own way. Growing up we always pandered to her moods with our Father frequently telling us, "don't upset your mother". I lived in fear of her moods, outbursts and silent treatment.

There's a societal tendency to idealise the mother-daughter relationship, and those facing difficulties in this dynamic may feel societal judgment. It's crucial for society to acknowledge the complexity of such relationships and provide support rather than judgment for those navigating challenging familial dynamics. Comments such as "you can't dislike your mother" and "you only have one Mom, you'll miss her when she's gone" perpetuate the belief of the idealised relationship and essentially gaslight the child.

It would be interesting to hear from those in a similar situation and how you navigate the above responses.

I can relate... But my friends seem to understand and know, even if they don't actually know her. That may be as there's been a specific circumstance in my life of late, snd her reaction to that has been unhelpful to say the least.

I get what you mean, my mum’s not the worst mum but I don’t really like her either, the feeling has got stronger since I became a mother myself.

She’s utterly self absorbed, controlling and lacks empathy, she outright told me she didn’t believe me when I said I was being bullied as a teenager and for that I can’t ever forgive her.

I don’t see her very often, only when she suggests it and travels to me.

Sometimes I rationalise it as being similar to being disabled. A certain type of people openly question it, but I'd be damned if they deserve or need an explanation for something so personal and subjective. And the same applies to a mother-daughter relationship. (Or lack of). It's none of their business. If they are ok with riding over your boundaries by insisting they know best, then be "rude" back (except it's not rude, it's simply maintaining privacy), and don't give them the information they think they deserve.

Truly none of their business, and you can bet your arse that the mothers involved very rarely have to explain themselves or their part in it all! In fact they are probably sympathised with, over their terrible failure daughters 😂 Distance, time and healing all help.

The woman who gave birth to me is a nasty and self absorbed alcoholic who couldn't give one solitary toss about anybody but herself.

I suspect she won't be around for much longer and I'm not sure I'll be that bothered about it when it happens, she's never been a mother to me.

I'm quietly envious of when I see grandparents out and about with their grandchildren and wish I had somebody in my life who could fill that rule.

I naively gave my mother one chance to be in her grandchildrens lives, sober and supervised, and she used the opportunity to scapegoat and bully my 4 year old daughter. My daughter is the mirror image of me.

I hope she rots.

Mine was frequently file to me, unpleasant to my husband and indifferent to my son. I had to ensure being told how stupid/ungrateful/rude I was while turnaround after her. Nothing was ever good enough. I was never good enough no matter what I did. My very self centred brother, however, who frequently forgot Mothers'_Day and only gave her money for Christmas, not even a small present, was accorded his-like status no matter what.
I am profoundly glad that she died before I had my daughter so that my beautiful girl did not have to ensure regular comments on her weight, looks and achievements. People who have no experience of this are shocked by my attitude to my mother. People who have had similar experiences or actually saw my mother in action totally understand. So, in short, screw society. If it walks like a birch and talks like a birch and behaves like a bitch, then it's a bitch. I focus on recovering from the damage she did and trying my best not to repeat her mistakes.

she is self-absorbed and has tantrums if she doesn't get her own way. Growing up we always pandered to her moods with our Father frequently telling us, "don't upset your mother". I lived in fear of her moods, outbursts and silent treatment.

OP, are you me? This sounds just like my household growing up. And yes, I've had the same reaction off people, and the comments which continually gets to me are "you'll miss her when she is gone" and "you only get one mother".

What I say to these people is, "ah right, so holding the title of 'mum' gives you a free ticket to behaving any way you like does it?!". Of course, this rarely goes down well but quietens them and needs to be said as basically this is what they are saying. Another thing I do is tell people they have no idea what some people can be like behind closed doors. That usually quietens people down too.

Never let anyone make you feel crap for not having a good relationship with your mum. You are not alone.

I was told FIL had died. Broke the news to DH and he had a couple of drinks to celebrate. 2 days later I got a message from someone saying he hadn’t died , he was just in hospital. I’ve never seen someone so upset that someone hadn’t died!! DH was fuming!
He was a vile, vile man. He is dead now and DH contemplated going to the funeral just to be sure he really was dead but decided not to bother

I know plenty of female friends have difficult Mum daughter relationships. I would go as far as saying certainly 20/30% of my friends have pretty poor relationships with theirs. I am NC with mine. I have really started noticing the complexities in family relationships around me when I was really thinking about my own challenges.

I have noticed that some women in the last generation where I am were pretty restricted in what they could say, do or how they could act and they ended up becoming a bit martyrish and they seem to carry a lot of resentments now on the next generation of women not showing the same deference to them that they were forced to carry for previous generations. It causes a lot of friction.

I think Mum/daughter relationships can be very complex and as you get older, I think it is hard for some parents to accept that their daughter is a totally separate person and not a carbon copy of themselves. Sometimes they can't imagine that what you want out of life isn't necessarily what they wanted and I think this is where all the "not good enough, not thin enough..." stuff comes from, it's projection.
I generally have a good relationship with my Mum but I struggle to draw boundaries and she still chastises me like a child over some things (I'm 30!). She'll criticise my housekeeping, my garden, the size of my ironing pile etc... she thinks I am a bit of a sad sack because I am an introvert and I don't drink much etc and that argument recurs. Just stuff that I wish she could detach from.

I had a very difficult relationship with my mother. She was very religious and used to say those kind of things about mothers being almost Holy. However, she was not the best mother. Highly critical and manipulative. Controlling and had a favourite child. My dad left her when we were young for another woman. She never recovered from it. To the point I almost raised myself and she was put on antidepressants and heavy stuff. When she died I was very sad. However, I never felt guilty about anything as she pushed me away with her ways.
Being a mother now I can see how your children blame things on you. Even though I have tried hard not to repeat my mother behaviour. I still give them my best and hope one day they recognise this.

Do not feel bad. Mothers are indeed very special but because of that same reason. We feel so disappointed and hurt when they do not treat us right. Or as a mother should. It is both ways.

I really hate that people look upon me as taboo for estranging myself from my mother. She was violent and emotionally abusive. At 40 I still haven’t undone the damage. I haven’t had children as I’m too scared to test out whether I am like her or not, seems like too much of a dice roll. But yeah op I still get the c*nty treatment from people who are too judgemental to see past their nose about it.

I hate my mother. She is a monster.

I won’t go into loads of detail here, but being NC has been the best thing ever for my MH.

I think anyone who doesn't understand that not all mothers are good or even adequate is a bit hard of thinking, to put it bluntly.

What's helped me is this....that she made the decision to go NC with me ..

No visits

Rare phone calls

Siblings treated differently, as well as grandkids

Its tough but it ultimately wasn't my decision, it was hers through her behaviour.

What gets me is the amount of people who apparently have heard how 'crap' I am and who have shown ..through passive aggressive memes or SM posts, that I am to blame. The old witch would love that.

But I have to get on with my life and even though she's alive and kicking, I knew, after years of shot behaviour, that the last time I saw her would be the last time I would ever see or speak to her again. Good job, as she's made zero effort to try to contact me.

My mother is amazing but her best friend from school (although great fun) was a totally toxic mother. Even as children we could see it. Her own dd had to go NC with her when she had her own children. Mum tried to support the daughter in this whilst maintaining the friendship with the mum. The mum died. My own lovely Mum is still in touch with the daughter and is adamant that although her friend was a lovely friend the daughter had no choice but to cut her mother out. Was very hard to watch as we liked them both but the behaviour of the mother to the daughter was hard to see.

My mother was 20 and unmarried when she had me. She was very beautiful, and continued to party and go on endless holidays, and my grandmother effectively brought me up meanwhile.

My teen years were awful. I had no connection with my mother. I couldn't even tell her when I started menstruating.

She got married to a rich man when I was around 15. Then he died and she got his money, then she died at 58 and I got the money.

I was genuinely upset when she died, but it was sheer bliss after that.

I find it very, very hard to interact with mine. Spent my whole childhood parenting her, dealing with her drunkeness, her passive aggressiveness, can't stand her really. Makes me sad.

My mother is a weak and childish person, simply wasn’t cut out to take responsibility for others. I have forgiven her for not being a good mom. She isn’t mean but self centered and a bit limited in her abilities. She simply couldn’t and still can’t fill that role. I moved 8 hours away a long time ago and that is a good distance between us.

We are talking on the phone once a week and see each other twice a year. I would happily skip both because it makes me sad to interact with her and feel sorry for my younger self who was complete dependent on her. If there is anything happening in my life she generally only considers the impact it will have on her and the way she thinks it should be dealt with. Also, she tries to make me look after her for things she could easily do herself. And will talk like a waterfall about whatever comes to mind without consideration if it might be remotely interesting to anyone else 💤

I will not miss her when she is gone. I just wish I had a different mom who would be able to sometimes help me out with practical and emotional support. My mom is generally makings things harder not easier.

So much of this resonates with me. I spent years being told (with a little laugh and a head tilt) just how 'difficult' I was. How moody and touchy. How emotional/hysterical/dramatic and silly. I was profoundly unhappy as a child and a teen, and continually made to feel that this was all my own fault and I was being ridiculous.

As an adult I can see that my DM and I have absolutely nothing in common. She's not a bad person, per se - but she's utterly incapable of seeing anyone else's point of view. She's dismissive, critical, slightly patronising towards most people and believes she has done her utmost as a mother. In reality, like other pps have said, this has meant saying, 'Buck up! No one wants to hear your complaints' I have a life limiting, chronic illness and when asked the other week how I was I made the mistake of saying I'd felt rotten all that week and was struggling. Her response? A lot of eye rolling with the comment, 'here we go, again. Moaning Myrtle!'

She is not ever someone I could or would turn to for help or advice as she is disinterested and would simply tell me that it will be 'character forming' and to get on with it. She won't offer sympathy, just bracing words or faint criticism so that you go away feeling even more shit about yourself than you did.

I suspect it's how she was brought up, but it took me to post menopause to realise that the only people who think I am difficult or touchy or a whiner are my own parents. Most other people see me as cheerful and professional and kind.

I'm 'lucky' in that my DM is incapable of hiding her behaviour for very long. She has very few friends and the only of her five children who put up with her is waiting for her to pass so he can take her money.

My DM burned me as a punishment for bed wetting, stole my wedding gift money and despises the fact that I'm (outwardly) happily married and have created a stable home for my children. She adores my sister who had a baby with a man who couldn't care less and she has to fight with for child support. She cannot bear her children doing well. When I bought a house she was so upset she didn't speak to me even though she owns half of her street and refused to help with a loan so my children could live near a great school.

She did so much more but the worst was abusing my eldest sister so badly that she has cut herself off from all of us. She thinks we could feed information back to our mother and I never would but she doesn't believe me.

My mother is a bully,a narc and a nasty piece of work who has a charm about her that means I'm the liar if I try to speak out-I'm simply not believed

'Not J!she's a wonderful woman'

You wouldn't say that if you heard what she has to say about you and your kids behind your back

As a child,she made friends with the parents of the kids who bullied me (and the teachers that not only didn't stop what happened,but joined in)

We had no bond at all-to the point I was handed over to my darling grandad to do the grunt work of bringing me up,while she showed up for the best bits and to show what a loving mother she was

She conned me out of hundreds of thousands of pounds when I was a single parent,trying to feed the kids while she was taking my money,milk tokens and food out if my cupboards

She's turned people I thought I could trust against me-my circle is very small now

It's all a show-she knows I can see her for what she is and she hates it

I went nc and she shrugged,no emotion at all and walked away-but has made it her life mission to smear my name in everyday possible

It's at the point I can't ever go back to my hometown-they've made it clear they will throw acid on me if I try-i believe they would do it

She has tried reaching out to dp via her flying monkeys and is very angry that he told the lot of them to fuck off while laughing at them

If one more person tells me 'but she's your mother!' I will scream

Ditto 'you'll miss her when she's gone'

Trust me,I won't

I won't be going to her funeral,but part of me would love to go just to see how they whitewash me out of her life and to make sure she's actually dead

Growing up we always pandered to her moods with our Father frequently telling us, "don't upset your mother". I lived in fear of her moods, outbursts and silent treatment.

Jeeze, you're me (or my brother). I'm 68 and I only stopped being scared of her moods about three years ago .. when she became largely bedridden.

My mother has never shown any interest in me or anyone else in my family. As a result I have no interest in her. I have a sense of duty but if she disappeared I wouldn't miss her for a second. I'd just be pissed off for the trouble it would cause me.

My mum put my into care when I was 11 where I stayed until I was 17 (well she ran of with her boyfriend and left a note should I say).
She knew and let her boyfriend before that physically and mentally abuse me, lock me in my bedroom for days for not being able to walk as fast as him.
I'll never forgive her or forget, and I still get people saying "your miss her when she is gone" " she couldn't of been that bad".
You know what I miss the thought of a mum and how a mum should be but not her as a person.

I think when my mum dies, I will probably grieve for the mum I wish I'd had and the realisation that that will never happen. In my younger years my mum was definitely emotionally abusive. I had some serious health issues which she constantly belittled and she has always been emotionally unavailable. As I've grown older and had my own children, I realised how narcissistic she is and that she's incapable of sympathising, empathising or even showing an interest in anyone else. I also realise now that she's probably a product of her upbringing with unresolved issues that she's never dealt with, but wouldn't ever be willing to acknowledge anyway. I keep her at a distance and accept that we will get through family events that are obligatory and the odd visit but we will never be close. Even when we visit, she barely talks to us and this has only increased as her own health deteriorates.
My dh has a difficult relationship with his own mother. He had mentioned this relationship once to two friends, looking for support for an incident that had happened, and both of them said it was terrible that he was talking that way and that he only had one mother etc. He felt completely unheard, hurt and angry. I think now he would just tell them not to be so ridiculous and accept that someone's mother can cause just as much damage to a person as anyone else!