The taboo of disliking your Mother

[Daughternotdaughter]

Name changed for this as I don't want it linked to previous posts.

I've spent a wonderful afternoon visiting with my aunt who I treat as my honorary Mom. She fulfilled the nurturing element of my childhood and continues to fulfill that role into my adult life.

I always had a difficult relationship with my Mother, she is hyper critical of me; I'm never quite good enough, thin enough, responsible enough. I hold a very senior position in a professional, registered role, I'm married, have a child and we're mortgage free. I have a normal BMI but I'm very strict with my diet.

I dislike my Mother and have little respect for her, she is self-absorbed and has tantrums if she doesn't get her own way. Growing up we always pandered to her moods with our Father frequently telling us, "don't upset your mother". I lived in fear of her moods, outbursts and silent treatment.

There's a societal tendency to idealise the mother-daughter relationship, and those facing difficulties in this dynamic may feel societal judgment. It's crucial for society to acknowledge the complexity of such relationships and provide support rather than judgment for those navigating challenging familial dynamics. Comments such as "you can't dislike your mother" and "you only have one Mom, you'll miss her when she's gone" perpetuate the belief of the idealised relationship and essentially gaslight the child.

It would be interesting to hear from those in a similar situation and how you navigate the above responses.

Oh I hear you. I usually say it might be nice for you if your mum visited, but for me it's a chore.

When I'm actively being harangued because 'but it's your mother/blood's thicker than water

Might be a good idea to remind those blood is thicker than water people they're entirely misquoting the phrase.

The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.

It literally means the exact opposite to the way these morons use it as a tool to beat you with.

Sorry for people having to go through this

Well, yes, I know. That forms part of my reply choices.

Its an internal war with me because not one person I've actually spoken to about it or has seen my mother's behaviour towards me in real life, has blamed me or criticised me for not getting on with her...
But deep down I still love her and crave a proper mother daughter relationship with her.. it's just really sad. Whenever I say anything negative about her to anyone even tho it's just the facts of what she says and does.. it feels like a betrayal and I'm ashamed because I feel responsible.. like if there was somethinig I was doing better she wouldn't be like this...
The whole thing is just beyond sad and I continue feeling ashamed regardless as to whether I'm actually being shamed by anyone or not.

I haven't read the full threat. I will later as I am interested but wanted to say that I don't like my mother. In a way I love her I think and have a "normal" relationship for the sake of our young children and my dad and siblings, but I also don't like how she behaves, the kind of things she says in front of our children, the way she talks about other people. She was simply nasty and unpleasant to me when I was a child and an until I moved out. She called me names, was very critical of me, got very angry and then other days was ignore me when I walked into a room and spoke to her. If I tried to reason with her she reacted even more poorly because she thought I was talking down to her. I remember being so upset and wondering what I had done wrong and also being depressed as a teenager which could have been linked to that. She is rude and unpleasant but I just try to shrug it off tor the sake of the rest of our family and I don't spend a lot of time with her. I often cut short conversations because she's being negative or nasty about someone we know while talking to our children.

I think a breakdown in relationships within families, including with Mothers, is actually more common than you realise. I have been estranged, and non contact, from my Mother since I was around 19 years of age - I am now 53 years. She was manipulative, and narcissistic, and caused a great deal of trouble in our lives with her lies and scheming. I have never really looked back since making that decision, as I know my life and that of my family, is significantly enhanced by her absence. It very occasionally raises a brow when the relationship, or lack of, comes to light. but on the whole I find most people accepting, and appreciate it is not that way because of something trivial, and was not done on a whim. Sure there is a gap in my life where a Mother should have been, but l like to think that gap is cancelled out by the calm and stability I have instead. Don't be hard on yourself, people fall out - even family. GL

My dm was desperate for attention. She liked having babies because she got lots of fuss, but she'd lose interest when we were about three and developed our own personalities, so she'd have another baby. I was 5th. I watched her become jealous of my eldest dsis when she became a good looking teen.

I tried to remember that she'd had it tough,lost her mum early and had to keep house for her df. Then WWII interrupted her fun single years.

But she didn't make it easy. She was a bit of a drama queen. We got on ok if we spent little time together. My life is much more fun than hers was so perhaps she was envious.

It’s interesting how many of the mums are NC are also jealous of their daughters.
My Mum would often tell us tales how how slim and beautiful she was in the 60s and make digs and comments about my clothes, hair etc. Especially if I was dressed up to go to dinner etc. At the time it used to make me self conscious and I’d go out feeling shit until my friends (and their parents!) would be like ‘oh grape you look so nice’
Similarly at my graduation she loudly told everyone how she had also gone to night school to become a HCA and was ‘highly qualified’. By this time I was an adult and was just embarrassed for her.

I’ve been NC with my parents for several years. The only person who ever tries to push me for reasons/tell me how much i’ll miss them is my mil. Most people respect the answer of “I’m not in contact with mine after an abusive childhood”

I think it is very common for people to have issues with their mother. I think all of my close friends do. I am in my late 60s though and I think it is fair to say that our mothers had difficult lives in terms of what was expected for them and the way they had been brought up. Many of us were the cause of a marriage from pre Pill days and I believe there was this feeling that their life would have been so much better if they hadn't got pregnant so young. Kids in the 1960s were brought up and looked after but were not indulged in the same way kids are today emotionally. I used to poo poo all of this Mother stuff from psychologists etc but it came home to me a few years ago now. I realised I was a creation of myself to adapt to my mother - not to cause trouble, not to rock the boat, not to have opinions that were different from her. It was eye opening and from that day I resolved to change. She was already dead by then . I had come to terms with her several years before that though when she tried to do the same to my eldest. As to others commenting on it - as I said no, I find it very common.

I can relate. What scares me is my mother had a bad relationship with her mum who had a bad relationship with hers etc. I have a daughter and hope I break the cycle, she's only 8 but the mother daughter bond is much stronger than the bond I have with my boys. My relationship with my daughter regularly reminds me how crap my mum was and hurts because I never had what my daughter has. My father died last month and I didn't feel anything except relief he's not suffering anymore. He never did anything for me and the emotional damage he did still impacts me. He was the better parent so I doubt I will be upset when my mother dies. Society has me feeling such guilt and shame I feel this way and I couldn't admit it in real life because as you say OP it's my mother everyone thinks you have to love them regardless of how bad they were.

Like you OP I found a surrogate mother figure. When she died I was and still am devastated. My daughter is named after her. So I do feel I know what that bond feels like and I do t think it's always your mother it's the person who mothered you it just usually that's your mother.

But yeah. We do not all love our mothers or have that bond.

I intensely dislike my mother, and have done for decades. I absolutely never discuss her with anyone, so the subject doesn't arise.
As I see it, family members are just people - if we like them, that's great, but it's simply not realistically possible to like everyone out there. So it's just one of those things, and not worth stressing about.
People who make such idiotic comments as described either assume everyone is like them, or just lack the imagination to understand the complexities and variety of relationships.

The "you'll miss her when she's gone" comments particularly annoy me. My mum is no longer with us and I don't miss her in the slightest.

I could have written this.

I have recently, and after some counselling, come to the realisation that my mother is emotionally immature.

childhood was characterised by temper tantrums if she didn’t get her way, with my dad telling us to keep the house clean, do all the laundry etc to keep her in a good mood. She was the whisper in our ears telling us we weren’t very good, we were too fat, not pretty enough, we should stand back and let others shine. She was always telling us about other, better children.

we were never good enough and still aren’t. Lots of little comments now about weight and careers and how we live. She senses a weak spot and goes for it - if something Goes wrong on our lives she is both exhilarated and highly emotional - it becomes all about how our struggles impact her!

I have realised I will never be able to forgive her and she will never be the mother I wanted. So I spend time with her, I listen to how brilliant her friends children are and I share nothing about my life. Because I will never be good enough.

it’s sad, but I need to protect myself and accept her for who she is - and to be honest she’s not a very nice person.

'I might go to the funeral just to make sure she's in the box'

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Re: the guilt thing. Yes it's horrendous.

Mine lives with us 🙄🙄🙄 and it's a nightmare and a decision i regret enormously now. But being an only it was that or move away and leave her ...

The biannual stand up rows are quite something. They leave me and DH exhausted. But it's over stuff she's done or said which is quite unforgivable and has to be addressed. We let A LOT go.

I spend all day every day avoiding her. Big house, so not too hard, but i don't feel relaxed at home at all anymore and won't until she's gone. There i said it!!

Honestly, I just don't talk about it to people.

My mum is not a bad person and I can't say I had a terrible childhood. But I can see now that my mum almost certainly has some undiagnosed mental health problems and there was a lot of emotional neglect in my childhood. Since my late teens our relationship has been more like I am the parent and she is the child. She now drinks and smokes heavily which has put a strain on her relationship with me and my sister (although she doesn't see it) and seems to be collecting new health issues/scares at an alarming rate. It genuinely wouldn't surprise me any day to hear that she's fallen down the stairs at home or had a stroke.

I do love her but it's a sad fact that my life (and my sister's) will be easier when she's no longer here. I feel terrible saying that but it's true.

I could have written your post. Huge sympathies. It's a mind-fuck to be sure.

@Alloftheskies you are a good person. You are not to blame for her behaviour.

I also have a chip pisser. No matter what I do she did it better. It is a very misogynistic response ... My brothers don't have that and it is almost as if she feels that she has to put me down to improve her social standing. There is only one gay in the village premise.

I think there are a lot more fractured mother daughter relationships than we let on.

I can’t STAND my mother. Loathe her. Went NC years ago and it was the best thing I ever did. Don’t care what anyone thinks, don’t care what anyone says. My peace is more important than blood and now I have peace.

Thank you all for your replies. All stories recounted here are horrific, the abuse, both physical and emotional does not make for healthy relationships. Very few people know of my relationship with my Mother, I rarely volunteer the reality of our relationship but if somebody asks, I reply that we're not particularly close. If my reply is met with the usual you've only got one mom, I change the subject.

I'm the eldest of three and we were all parented differently, I was the black sheep, Dsis 2 the golden child and 3rd the whipping boy.
When one of my siblings died prematurely, my mother said she only has one child now. I have been LC since then, the only reason I'm not NC is to share the burden with my surviving sibling. Although it's the GC, mother can be horrible to her also.

Through therapy, I no longer feel guilty for disliking my mother, she was the driver of our dynamic.

I had a awful relationship with
My mum my entire life , she died when I turned 40 I hadn't seen her for 6 years I did go to the hospital when my siblings called who I also went NC with, the funeral arrangements fell
To me being eldest and it was all carnage as none of us got along.
I got told so many times you only get one mother , you'll
Miss her when she's gone etc , I still feel sad about our relationship and feel a kind of sadness that I had a mother as opposed
To a mum/ mummy growing up etc.
People who have grown up with happy relationships with their mum
Can struggle to understand but you stand tall because you know the truth lovely xx

@Bellyblueboy She senses a weak spot and goes for it - if something Goes wrong on our lives she is both exhilarated and highly emotional - it becomes all about how our struggles impact her!

I had a little giggle at this, I can do relate. When my sibling was sick, it was the impact it had on Mother, not that my sibling was facing a life limiting illness🙄

@Bellyblueboy I know that feeling of never being good enough. When I did achieve certain things it would be eg oh well everyone gets good results in exams, this next bit will separate the sheep from the goats. A family member told me that she was proud of me but I never heard it. In fact she told me immediately after my father died that he didn't like visiting me and wasn't going to again. WTF.

I'm the eldest of three and we were all parented differently, I was the black sheep, Dsis 2 the golden child and 3rd the whipping boy.

This is very sad OP, but is fascinating to me! As an only child i only have my own perspective on my mother's behaviour growing up. Maybe she wouldn't have been able to be so devious if there were more of us ...

Only when my DH got to know my mother properly and was shocked at how sneaky and manipulative she is did i become a little less conflicted and gulty about my feelings. I needed someone else to see it/experience it in all it's awful mind fuck glory!