The taboo of disliking your Mother

[Daughternotdaughter]

Name changed for this as I don't want it linked to previous posts.

I've spent a wonderful afternoon visiting with my aunt who I treat as my honorary Mom. She fulfilled the nurturing element of my childhood and continues to fulfill that role into my adult life.

I always had a difficult relationship with my Mother, she is hyper critical of me; I'm never quite good enough, thin enough, responsible enough. I hold a very senior position in a professional, registered role, I'm married, have a child and we're mortgage free. I have a normal BMI but I'm very strict with my diet.

I dislike my Mother and have little respect for her, she is self-absorbed and has tantrums if she doesn't get her own way. Growing up we always pandered to her moods with our Father frequently telling us, "don't upset your mother". I lived in fear of her moods, outbursts and silent treatment.

There's a societal tendency to idealise the mother-daughter relationship, and those facing difficulties in this dynamic may feel societal judgment. It's crucial for society to acknowledge the complexity of such relationships and provide support rather than judgment for those navigating challenging familial dynamics. Comments such as "you can't dislike your mother" and "you only have one Mom, you'll miss her when she's gone" perpetuate the belief of the idealised relationship and essentially gaslight the child.

It would be interesting to hear from those in a similar situation and how you navigate the above responses.

I'm nearly 19 years no contact with mine, she doesn't have my address and so it shall remain.
I had an extremely abusive/neglectful childhood and tried for years to get her approval but finally gave up at 30, my DH saw the strain it put me under and he said 'enough', I just needed someone to tell me that, it was a lightbulb moment.
My friends know I'm nc and why, I find ppl are accepting of it now and tell opening about their childhood/trauma etc.

'I'm the eldest of three and we were all parented differently'

It gets on my wick when parents swear blind that they parented all their children exactly the same way. That just doesn't happen, or at least not often in my experience. Parents bring their own perceptions to the relationship, and that can be influenced by stuff like the child's sex, their birth order, the circumstances around their conception, and the meaning of that child to the parent.

My parents often swore that they parented us 3 the same way, but there was BLATANT favoritism of my brother. They just wouldn't / couldn't admit to it

Just read this from you OP
Although it's the GC, mother can be horrible to her also.
that was the straw that broke the camels back for me, trying the golden child/whipping boy with my two eldest, no way was she starting that shit with mine.
Do not subject your child to this.

I needed someone else to see it/experience it in all it's awful mind fuck glory!

It's a complete head fuck. I spent years believing I was the problem, I was the moody teenager, the argumentative one because I had different opinions to her and didn't like the people she wanted me to like. Believing my personality was the root cause of our difficulties

I have a friend whose childhood was blighted by her mothers extreme mental illness and subsequent suicide. She still thinks she got off better because her mother was always nice to her and supportive (unless she was in a psychotic episode). I was very lucky that in her old age, my mother did actually apologise to me. So I still have issues for her constant criticism, but it is not as bad as it would have been.

I don't have any answers. I had a tiger mum growing up and that criticism and pressure continued into my 30s until I had enough and went very low contact. I couldn't explain it to her because I didn't think she would understand - from her perspective she provided love, education and everything I needed. She thinks we should be best friends just because I am her daughter, thinks I'm ungrateful and is very hurt by the low contact.

On top of that she is homophobic, racist, and anti-immigrant DM reader despite being an immigrant herself. I don't like her as a person and we have we have nothing to talk about.

I don't, there's no way that woman will subject my child to her abuse

If there's a side to be on that isn't mine, my mum will be on it. And if there isn't, she'll start one. I realised way too late that I was never going to make her like me (she dislikes all women - we're all the competition) and I regret that I've wasted so much of my life trying. I don't have to navigate those comments because I'd never get involved in those conversations irl, it's just too hard.

My mum would wake up to spite me.😀Sorry, dark humour.

I find it very difficult to spend time with my mother and feel so guilty about it. She was a good mum when I was a child (although highly strung and I swear she did things on purpose to keep me unattractive and unpopular) but has worsened with age to the point where I cringe when I’m around her for the past 10 years. Shes self absorbed, constantly self promoting, constantly promises to help me out but never does, and everything she does and says icks me out. It’s very hard to explain to somebody who doesn’t know her but people who do would get it. The guilt I feel for feeling this way is tremendous because I know it’s wrong.

As a child, I had an ongoing daydream that I had been adopted and that one day my real family would come for me. She's been dead for many years now and the last thing that she ever said to me was that it was my fault that my first husband died (he was killed in a car accident). Do I miss her? Not for one minute although I do sometimes feel that it would have been nice to have a mum, just not her.

I don’t dislike my mother as such, we just have absolutely nothing in common. There is literally nothing to talk about besides the weather. We have completely different values, interests, conversation style even.

She knows very little about my life because I tell her almost nothing - it’s not worth the hassle.

God yes. I hope they don’t use the same type of emotional manipulation on their children.

I knew I was not my mother’s favourite daughter. There’s time I thought/hoped I was adopted or even switched at birth because I couldn’t understand what I did to her to make her not like me. She would praise my younger sister (very similar to her and spoiled her) but I would get a comment that you would expect from a mean girl not your mum. If I didn’t like the same things as her, there was something wrong with me and if she bought it for me and I didn’t like it (despite being told that I wouldn’t) I was ungrateful. She was popular in secondary, went out on dates, and to parties and I didn’t care about those things so I must be up to something instead 🙄. No, just was more focused on getting into uni and moving hundreds of miles away so I didn’t have to be in her vicinity since I was 11.

Wedding weekend was the last straw and I do not have the best of memories. I gave my wedding dress away instead of keeping it as I had planned for if I had a daughter and only admitted to DH (been married over a decade) that I had never seen our wedding photos (except for those our parents have and the few DH put in a photo collage).

It wasn’t until my children were born that our relationship became better. I’m happy with what it is now. We talk once to twice a week so she can see and speak to the children. I still call her mum but I don’t feel like she’s my mum. She’s my children’s grandmother to me, if that makes sense. She dotes on them and is respectful to me when she visits.

She is a different person to who I had and I have forgiven her, but I cannot forget. If I see any semblance of that person before towards my children, however, that’s the end of things.

i spoke to a friend about it last weekend - she was really dismissive - said ‘aw she loves you really it’s just best not to give your kids a big head!’

other people don’t understand and I feel it looks like I think I am brilliant and want my mum to worship me. It’s not that - I just want her to recognise I am not shit at everything!

Out of curiosity, how old is she?

I couldn’t stand my mother. It was beyond dislike. Left home at 16, after my exams, never went back and went completely NC 11 years later. Best thing I ever did.
I was in touch with an Aunt who, quite a lot of years later, is still on about ‘what I shame I never got back in touch with my parent’ and ‘now she’s dead you can never put right the wrong you did’ and similar nonsense. She had a ‘nice daughter’, the golden child. She’s not a nice woman.
My parent was just an evil, abusive gas lighter. The ‘wrong’ was not on my part. Sure there is a stigma about saying that you dislike a parent, but if it was someone who was not a relative, you’d not think twice about it. You know, some random person at work or a horrible person in the neighbourhood. Blood is not thicker than water and your mental health is paramount.
I see no stigma or taboo in disliking your Mother. It’s not as uncommon as you might think.

@Daughternotdaughter I dont miss my mother one little bit!!! glad to see the back of her actually!!! didnt speak or see her for the last 7 years of her life! not all mums are great!

Op i feel you. My relationship with my mum was complicated to say the least. In the end I went low contact to save myself. Sometimes she was lovely and fun, most of the time she didn't really notice me. She was the same with my two sons who, when they got old enough, realized there was something amiss. So low contact from us all. Do I regret it??? Yes and no. She was my mum and a single parent for quite a few years.

My mother is completely indifferent towards me. It's very hurtful. She was never on my side, I could never go to her with problems (her catchphrase is "never mind!" and moves onto another subject), didn't tell her about my being made redundant or miscarrying pregnancies because l felt she'd find a way of blaming me because that's easier than offering comfort and affection.

I'm one of 3 girls and was the first to have babies. For a glorious few years, my mum was suddenly interested...and then my younger, golden child sister had a baby. And we're back at the bottom of the heap.

It makes me very sad indeed and I have tried to bring it up but was accused of criticising her parenting.

I love my mum. Because she’s my mum. But I absolutely dislike her. Growing up I was materially looked after - clothes, holidays etc. but no love, no hugs, no motherly advice or help navigating childhood stuff. Lots of discipline, smacks etc, which I guess was a sign of the times back then. Throughout my life she’s never said she’s proud of me or pays me any compliments or support. She still, after all these years, puts me down. Yesterday she said I had been horrible to her in the past. I have always tried to do my best by her - take her out for tea every week, take her to do her grocery shopping, and when I asked her how had I been horrible, she couldn’t name any specific time, just that I had been horrible, not like my cousin (recently lost her mother, my mums sister) who had been a carer for her mum during her Alzheimer’s, and now visits my mum every week. Showed her a picture of me out for lunch with husband last week - no interest with where we went, what we ate, just asked me what I’d done with my hair as I looked like a scarecrow. The low self esteem I’ve had throughout my life has followed me to who I am now, and it’s only recently that I’ve grieved for the mum I wish I’d had. I do things for her out of duty, not love. So yes OP, I get where you’re coming from.

I think people who get on with their mothers find it impossible to understand what it's like having a difficult relationship with one. There's no point in trying to explain it to them.

I don’t dislike my mother. She’s not a bad person, she’s the only mum I’ve got, and I will miss her when she’s gone. But the reality is that we are very, very different people with different personalities, opposing views & fundamentally different values on so many levels that the relationship has never been easy, and that is never going to change.

The differences are so huge that I sometimes wonder how we are even related at all, never mind so closely. She’s devoutly religious ; I’m an atheist. She is all about family & children; I’m childfree by choice. Her reaction to every situation is all about her emotions; I’m calm, analytical & rational. When I was in hospital a few years ago, her reaction was so ridiculously over the top & emotional that I had to repeatedly ask her to calm down. She is obsessed with what the neighbours think; I couldn’t give a toss. She is very materialistic ; I’m the opposite. She makes a massive fuss about Christmas; I ignore it as much as possible. She is a judgmental, Daily Mail reading right winger ; I’m a live & let live Liberal. She is desperate for me & her to be closer; I accept that we are just chalk & cheese. We tried going on holiday together once. It was a disaster from the start. Never, ever again. It is what it is, and neither of us are going to change now.

I have exactly the same problem as you, OP.
Nothing I do is ever good enough and I've had to flee her abuse to heal as a person.
I know you're not asking for it, but the books by Peg Streep together with her Facebook group are very nourishing.
Also, luckily I have at least 3 friends that have horrible mothers that they don't get on with, so it makes me feel less alone. Hugs xxx

I always find threads like this so interesting - and helpful. You can forget sometimes that there are so many people in the same boat. I think people with 'normal' mothers struggle to comprehend how somebody could go NC with theirs, because they are imagining going NC with a supportive, loving mother they have a strong bond with. The point is, we don't have that and (in my case) never have had. What I had was a woman who most of the time seemed like a stranger, there was never a bond there. When I was young enough to be under her control she neglected and abused me. Then when I became an adult, she would go out of her way to antagonise and upset me at any opportunity. Would anybody really want to have a relationship with somebody like that?

I have to agree that those who have a good relationship with their mothers really struggle/plain just don't understand those that don't.

I count my current partner of 14 years in that. It's come more to the forefront in the last 3 months after his mother died unexpectedly. They were close (tbh a bit too close, he is definitely a mummy's boy, which caused a myriad of problems). He is mourning deeply and missing her terribly, and does try, but struggles to understand why I don't feel the same way about my mother. I've been extremely low contact with her for 34 years, live on the other side of the world (deliberately) and haven't actually seen her in 15 years.

His loss has got me thinking yet again about how my response will be when my mother dies. If I do travel back for the funeral it will be purely to support my younger brother, so he doesn't have to deal with it on his own.