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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How many times a week does your partner go out

105 replies

Fairyfeet46 · 14/01/2024 15:00

For abit of context we are arguing about this every single week so i would like to know if i am being unreasonable or not. This relates to time for hobbies and seeing friends

We have three children, 7year old boy, 13 month old girl and 3 month old boy (yes i did have two kids with a 10 month gap, im crazy i know)

My partner is always out! He works a standard monday to friday in an officr 8am-3pm. I am currently on maternity leave and have been for just over a year.

He goes out to play pool on a wednesday, thursday and friday night to play and see friends (from 6pm-10pm) football on a sunday morning to play. Every night after work he goes to the sunbed shop with a friend and goes out with them 'for drives and to chill' most nights for two hour or so. He goes to a friends house every tuesday from around 8pm until whenever he feels like it and saturdays are for him to catch up on sleep!

I do 100% of the household chores which i dont mind doing as i am on maternity leave and its like my job but im doing 99% of the parenting aswell, every single bottle, every single bath gime, every single bed time, every single nappy, every single night time cry, every messy meal and usually on my own.

Would you say the amount of nights hes out is reasonable and im being dramatic because i cant get out or is this completely taking piss with two small children?

Its come to a head today because i was up with both children all night and managed 40 minutes of sleep so i asked him not to go football which he did cancel but then spent the morning asleep on the sofa while i went food shopping and made a big dinner (with the kids in tow with me) and now he has just left to go to pool as he didnt get to go football!

OP posts:
IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 14/01/2024 15:02

He's taking the piss

Hoglet70 · 14/01/2024 15:03

What she said.

Liababy · 14/01/2024 15:03

YABU for staying in a relationship with someone like this.

AhNowTed · 14/01/2024 15:03

He is TOTALLY taking the piss.

Jesus Christ they are HIS children too.

Selfish fuck.

DewHopper · 14/01/2024 15:03

Why are you with him OP? He sounds fucking awful.

DeeCeeCherry · 14/01/2024 15:04

Sorry OP. He has opted out of family life. & has no respect for you. & he's not spending time with his children, is he? Very rude and ignorant of him. He's not interested but is too lame to tell you his truth.

LaughingAtClowns · 14/01/2024 15:04

He's living the life of a single man with no children. He's not a dad at all, he's an idle and selfish fucker.

Riverstep · 14/01/2024 15:05

He is taking the absolute piss. I am an advocate of parents still being able to have time for themselves, to socialise with friends etc but I would expect this to be once a week when there are young children at home. He isn’t parenting at all , he’s acting like he is still a single man. Either get him in line ( which I would very rarely say but is needed here), or leave him. He’s actually useless to you and the children.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 14/01/2024 15:07

What an arsehole. It sounds like he sees you as the maid/housekeeper/nanny. There are many, many tales of lazy pisstaking men on here OP, but I don't think I've read about many as blatant or selfish as yours. Sorry.

AhNowTed · 14/01/2024 15:09

He's living the life of a single man OP.

And is taking you for a total mug.

The fact you're even asking if it's "too much" is a worrying sign of the hold he has over you.

Sapphire387 · 14/01/2024 15:12

Honestly? We have four DC - 13,10,9 and a baby. My DH doesn't really go out at all, and nor do I. We'll do the odd thing e.g. he's doing an evening class once a week for a few weeks.

I'm not saying everyone should never go out - at this stage we just choose not to. But I think once a week (each!) is enough with the ages of your children, honestly.

Muchof · 14/01/2024 15:13

Why are you even asking this? Do you honestly think that there is a chance anybody is going to say you are being unreasonable. There is the obvious question as to why on earth you have three children with this man but you are where you are. Dump him! He is bringing nothing to your life as it is, at least if you dump him you don’t need to waste your energy thinking or arguing about it.

SecondHandFurniture · 14/01/2024 15:17

We go out separately to the cinema maybe once a week but otherwise - not at all really. He'll go meet someone for drinks every few weeks, I see friends on my one day off.

He's living the life of a 21 year old single guy. Do NOT accept this.

Pennyforyour · 14/01/2024 15:18

wow, that’s beyond ridiculous and selfish. When do you get time for you?

you might as well be a single parent. What a joke!

DeedlessIndeed · 14/01/2024 15:19

Oh OP, that's ridiculous.

He's hardly spending any time with your children? What a crap father.

Was he always like this, or is it just since the younger children came along?

Original poster
Fairyfeet46 · 14/01/2024 15:19

You are all absolutely correct, i tend to seek validation alot and my self confidence is at an all time low with the back to back pregnancies and i suppose i thought thing would change when the babies were here but here we are.

Would you say once/twice a week maximum? Does anyone have any advice how i broach this to make him see things from my side? As everytime i bring it up im made to feel guilty that they are his hobbies that he loves doing, if we habe a big argument about he will stay in for abit but it lasts a few days then its back to normal. He always tells me or asks after hes already planned things and im at the point where i just say do what you want, as your actions will tell me where youd rather be.

OP posts:
IAmAnIdiot123 · 14/01/2024 15:19

I thought this was going to be like a once a week thing which I do regularly but no, he is massively taking the piss!

Iwantamarshmallowman · 14/01/2024 15:21

You are a single parent. Kick him out and then at least you don't have to do his cooking and washing ect..

Ihaterhymingrabbit · 14/01/2024 15:22

Sounds like he’s living the early twenties single life.

Did he want 3 kids? He’s not acting like someone who wanted or can cope with 3 kids and he’s avoiding it and checked out of family life. What was he like with 1 & 2 kids?

It’s your choice now to give him an ultimatum and see if he sticks to it or leave him. YABU to put up with this.

catelynjane · 14/01/2024 15:23

What's the point of this relationship?

I don't think it's relevant what other people do or are happy with, tbh. Everyone is different and has different relationships.

Ginmonkeyagain · 14/01/2024 15:28

Well firstly 8am - 3pm are not standard office hours! The lazy git is only working a 6 hour day (if we assume a hour lunch break). I work generally 9am - 6/6.30pm.

Also "drives and chill" is he a teenager?

Muchof · 14/01/2024 15:31

Fairyfeet46 · 14/01/2024 15:19

You are all absolutely correct, i tend to seek validation alot and my self confidence is at an all time low with the back to back pregnancies and i suppose i thought thing would change when the babies were here but here we are.

Would you say once/twice a week maximum? Does anyone have any advice how i broach this to make him see things from my side? As everytime i bring it up im made to feel guilty that they are his hobbies that he loves doing, if we habe a big argument about he will stay in for abit but it lasts a few days then its back to normal. He always tells me or asks after hes already planned things and im at the point where i just say do what you want, as your actions will tell me where youd rather be.

It feels like you are beyond the point of ultimatums and I honestly don’t think it is going to work as he sounds like a very selfish man. But perhaps one pool night and Sunday morning football, but even that is so long as he pulls his weight the rest of the time and you get time to yourself as well. But as I say, I don’t truly feel that this relationship is salvageable.

crumblingschools · 14/01/2024 15:32

What will happen when you finish maternity leave? Will you still be expected to do 100% household/parenting whilst he maintains 100% of his hobbies?

SKG231 · 14/01/2024 15:34

This man child isn’t interested in his children or you. Why did you have three children with him?

Quartz2208 · 14/01/2024 15:35

He is not a partner or a father just someone who lives with you - max twice a week for me