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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How many times a week does your partner go out

105 replies

Fairyfeet46 · 14/01/2024 15:00

For abit of context we are arguing about this every single week so i would like to know if i am being unreasonable or not. This relates to time for hobbies and seeing friends

We have three children, 7year old boy, 13 month old girl and 3 month old boy (yes i did have two kids with a 10 month gap, im crazy i know)

My partner is always out! He works a standard monday to friday in an officr 8am-3pm. I am currently on maternity leave and have been for just over a year.

He goes out to play pool on a wednesday, thursday and friday night to play and see friends (from 6pm-10pm) football on a sunday morning to play. Every night after work he goes to the sunbed shop with a friend and goes out with them 'for drives and to chill' most nights for two hour or so. He goes to a friends house every tuesday from around 8pm until whenever he feels like it and saturdays are for him to catch up on sleep!

I do 100% of the household chores which i dont mind doing as i am on maternity leave and its like my job but im doing 99% of the parenting aswell, every single bottle, every single bath gime, every single bed time, every single nappy, every single night time cry, every messy meal and usually on my own.

Would you say the amount of nights hes out is reasonable and im being dramatic because i cant get out or is this completely taking piss with two small children?

Its come to a head today because i was up with both children all night and managed 40 minutes of sleep so i asked him not to go football which he did cancel but then spent the morning asleep on the sofa while i went food shopping and made a big dinner (with the kids in tow with me) and now he has just left to go to pool as he didnt get to go football!

OP posts:

AhNowTed · 14/01/2024 15:36

Where is the space for YOUR hobbies OP.

Is he EVER parenting his own children alone.

Honestly this makes me so angry.

Eggsley · 14/01/2024 15:38

This is madness. He's a grown up with three young children, he cannot go out as much as he did before he had children.

We have a lot of football in our house but we share responsibilities as best we can. I work full time, DH is a SAHO.

DH is out at football training on a Wednesday night (he's the coach), football match on a Saturday morning (coach), football match on Saturday afternoons when his team are home (season ticket holder) and football Sunday mornings (coach). Mondays and Wednesday I'm on taxi duty for DS1 who has cadets, Thursday I take DS2 to football training, apart from once a month when I have a football meeting and DH takes him. Saturday mornings I take DS2 to his football matches and Sunday mornings he does the training that DH runs and I sell the teas and coffees at the football ground.

Evaka · 14/01/2024 15:38

I've just read the routine of an immature 17 year old. He treats you so badly OP.

I'd pack him a bag and tell him to fuck right off.

Ginmonkeyagain · 14/01/2024 15:38

Like others I think Saturday morning football and perhaps pool/drinks one other night would be acceptable.

But that really isn't the issue is it? The issue is he does nothing to contribute to running the family or house and you seem to get no time to yourself at all.

Magnificentbeast · 14/01/2024 15:39

I'm afraid he really is taking the piss. As a pp said, he's opting out of family life and behaving as if he has no family responsibilities. Maybe he provides the income but that on its own really isn't enough.

You have a lot on your plate even if he was more hands on. You must be completely frazzled!

What does he say when you bring this up with him? How does he justify this much time away from home?

He sounds like a very selfish person.

Maddy70 · 14/01/2024 15:41

I was assuming this was going to be one of the posts where I disagree but he is definitely definitely taking the piss....
Why are you with someone so imconsiderate ?

Eggsley · 14/01/2024 15:41

Oops, dropped my phone and it posted too soon.

He should be doing half the housework/cooking and half the childcare. When's your time off? When do you get to go out? I'd be so tempted to suggest a swap for a week, so you go out as much as he does and he stays home to sort the kids/dinner/bedtime routine. He's a cheeky fucker and needs to start pulling his weight. Otherwise kick him out - at least you'd get every other weekend off that way!

Merryoldgoat · 14/01/2024 15:41

He doesn’t care about his family. If he did he’d want to be with them.

DH & I had loads of hobbies and were out all the time (together and separately) before kids.

We now have hobbies that don’t require regular attendance somewhere and see friends when we can. We probably each average something every 2 weeks.

When our boys were proper babies there’s no way on this earth he’d had tried going out that frequently.

You shouldn’t have to have that conversation - it’s bloody obvious you don’t go out that much when you have a young family.

Cedar13 · 14/01/2024 15:43

He sounds like he's living like a teenager not a dad to 3 kids!

mindutopia · 14/01/2024 15:44

Hardly ever. I mean, probably meets up with a friend every other month or so (they don’t live nearby so requires planning an overnight and all friends are like us busy with family stuff now). Might go mountain biking or something similar every other week for a bit. I am probably the one who is ‘out’ most as I have 2 horses and need to go sort them out once a day. He sounds like he’s living the life of a single man with no responsibilities.

SundayFundayz · 14/01/2024 15:44

My DH is a pool player and football coach… I get that there are commitments to teams and practise time etc. But WT actual F is the drive and chill bit???? Get your arse home after work and get dinner on, help with housework, get the kids to bed… THEN go out and do your hobby if you must.
What an absolute cock. I can’t believe you’ve already had 3 children with him.

This isn’t about a reasonable negotiation, you need to put your foot down and tell him you need him to show he wants to be part of family life or you might as well do it without him.

Cosycover · 14/01/2024 15:45

I'd leave him and give him the kids 50/50.

What a child he is.

Redlorryyellowlorryblue · 14/01/2024 15:48

Was his unreasonable behaviour not obvious after the first child?

Leave him

TheSpruce · 14/01/2024 15:51

Slightly off topic but what do you mean he goes to the sunbed shop - to use them DAILY? Does he not realise the chance of him developing an aggressive and deadly cancer is sky high?

Also agree with previous PPs, he sounds like a 16 year old child. Going out playing pool and no doubt drinking constantly is not something a father should be doing.

tokesqueen · 14/01/2024 15:51

Cosycover · 14/01/2024 15:45

I'd leave him and give him the kids 50/50.

What a child he is.

This. Claim half your life back. He's shot himself in the foot really hasn't he, his social life will be curtailed massively when he has to have 24/7 care of his three DC half of every week.
Crack on and make it happen.

SecondHandFurniture · 14/01/2024 15:51

Every night after work he goes to the sunbed shop with a friend and goes out with them 'for drives and to chill' most nights for two hour or so.

Not a hobby. I presume the 12 hours of "pool" is in a pub/venue with a bar?

Okeydokedeva · 14/01/2024 15:53

We just have one DS. DH has a regular commitment one night a week which I really encourage. I am often out two nights or a night and a weekend slot as I have a lot of rehab to do from an accident. I probably go out with a friend once every six weeks and he and I try for a date night about once a month.

cakecoffeecakecoffee · 14/01/2024 15:54

His priorities don’t sound right at all.

DH plays footy 3 x a week but it doesn’t really interfere with family time. Twice it’s straight from work and he’s back for dinner, and one is late evening after the youngest has gone to bed.

We put one DC each to bed every night to share the load. DS is a terrible sleeper atm and we share the night wakings. We both do housework etc.

NewName24 · 14/01/2024 15:56

I'm a really big advocate of parents getting out and doing something they enjoy every week.
I am a fan of parents having hobbies or volunteering or doing exercise or belonging to a team or a choir or a group of some kind.
I'm all for parents going out to meet a friend.

But he is really taking the piss.
No right minded parent could possibly see this as fair.

I'd gather a few more comments, then show him the thread.

In terms of what is 'fair' or 'reasonable', start from the point of you both having an equal amount of time to do with, as you want. So, for each evening he goes out, you have an evening "off". At the start, even if you don't want to I'd actually literally leave the house so he has to deal with everything himself, so he "feels" what it is like, even if you don't want to continue to go out long term.

Didimum · 14/01/2024 15:57

You’re being taken for an absolute mug, OP. Worryingly, I doubt a guy like this will take well (if at all) to staying home and becoming someone who enjoys spending time with his family and supporting you with the house and family obligations, so I think you’re in for a very very tough road if you choose to stay in this relationship.

He’ll resent you (because he sounds like a shit) and you’ll resent him (because he’s unable to step up as he should), and that will be your life.

Ginmonkeyagain · 14/01/2024 16:02

@TheSpruce I read that he was meeting the friend at the Sunbed shop and as the frkend worked there. But perhaps they are topping up their tans nightly. So the OP has a very lazy and very orange part er - like a reverse Oompa Loompa!

Original poster

Fairyfeet46 · 14/01/2024 16:16

Thank you all for the reality check, i honestly wss thinking alot more people might be in my shoes and it was just a man thing but it seems like its just q my man thing! Ultimatum will be tonight, but i agree with you all that im sceptical it will change.

Yes the sunbed is a daily occurance ans it is to top up the so called tan but hes just got a read head 24/7

And to his one merit even though the pool is in pubs he does not drink and neither goes out drinking often, maybe twice a year

OP posts:

Hankthehonk · 14/01/2024 16:22

@Fairyfeet46 Agree with everyone else, I was in disbelief reading your post.
I do think it's important to still have a life as a parent but that goes for both of you. My husband and I both work, share childcare and housework 50/50 and we each do probably 2 or 3 things a week that are hobbies or purely social. We always discuss our diaries and balance things, there's never been any question that we share the load or that we both deserve to do things that make us happy.

You should start this conversation from the perspective of his responsibility as a parent and partner rather than starting with his so called hobbies. Good luck, and sorry you're being treated like this.

wellhello24 · 14/01/2024 16:25

He’s checked out of parenthood & leaving you to do everything. That’s an awful lot to manage on your own. He is categorically taking the absolute piss out of you I can’t believe you are even questioning that this is ok. What a lazy, nasty irresponsible avoidant skiving piece of shit he is.

Snowfalling · 14/01/2024 16:26

In disbelief reading this post. He's never home. and you SHOULD mind doing all the chores, it's his home and family too.

definitely ultimatum time or the relationship needs to be over.

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