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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby shower etiquette AIBU?

111 replies

babysharkx · 13/01/2024 19:05

So I just wanna get an outside opinion on this. One of my friends has a baby shower coming up and her best friend is organising it for her. She made a WhatsApp group for everyone invited.

She did a few polls in the chat to decide on the venue. Then told us the food options. The buffet is around £20 a head which everyone agreed to send their share of the money. Then she’d put in the chat something about wanting to order a cake and decorations and asked if people were happy to contribute. About 5 people said yes out of 20 and her mum even said she would pay for the cake.

Then a few weeks later the organiser has put in the chat she’s ordered the cake and decorations which has come to £150 so can everyone send her their share. Not sure what happened to her mum paying for the cake. I find it so cheeky as not everyone agreed to pay it! She’s shared her bank details in the chat about 4 times asking people to transfer it. More people have caved and paid than said they were originally going to but I think there’s still about 7 people that haven’t.

I know in the grand scheme it’s not a great deal of money but i don’t want to send it based on the principle. It’s a cost of living crisis. I’m already having to fund the buffet and buy a gift without paying for the cake and decorations too.

plus said friend turned up at my baby shower (which my mum hosted and provided the buffet) drank about 3 free bottles of wine, got a lift home from me and brought a book as a gift.. plus didn’t get my baby a present when she was born.

What would you do? Is it normal to be invited to a party and asked to pay for the decorations? I don’t know whether to send it just to keep the peace or just wait to see if she asks me directly to tell her what I think.

OP posts:
TheLogicalSong · 13/01/2024 19:11

Keep it factual - if she approaches you directly say you didn't offer to contribute because it's out of your budget, and nothing has changed since she originally asked.

mouseychick · 13/01/2024 19:12

If you are asked say you said £20 I agreed to £20 here is your £20 now shut up

Elisabeth3468 · 13/01/2024 19:14

Tbh I've never heard of anyone paying towards anything of someone's baby shower! That sounds absolutely ridiculous.

Fionaville · 13/01/2024 19:15

If she chases you for the money, I'd say you hadn't factored in the cost for that and you've already paid for the buffet. The whole thing is cheeky as far as I'm concerned. I've never been invited to a party and been asked to pay towards the buffet.

MiIz · 13/01/2024 19:15

For £7.50 I'd just pay it. I dont think the friend done anything wrong by gifting a book, and once you've already had a gift at the baby shower you don't get another gift at the birth.

Kwam31 · 13/01/2024 19:16

£20 per head for a buffet?? what's she serving?
Sounds like a CF

NewYear24 · 13/01/2024 19:16

I think I’d send a message to the organiser saying you’ve paid the £20 that you’ve agreed to.
I would probably buy a cheaper present (babygro from Primark) as well as I’d already paid towards the buffet.

I didn’t know it was a thing to buy a present at a baby shower and when the baby was born. Not that I’ve ever been to
a baby shower.

pinkyredrose · 13/01/2024 19:18

Why would she buy your baby a present, that's what the shower is for.

On the rest of it YANBU

VickyEadieofThigh · 13/01/2024 19:20

Things were so much simpler and cheaper a few years ago...

Allinadayswork80 · 13/01/2024 19:23

All seems a bit OTT, I always thought a baby shower (albeit all a bit Americanised for me tbh) was usually hosted at someone’s house, a banner and some balloons, a few nibbles, some silly games and prezzies. £20 each for a buffet?! Bit extreme and I’d be reluctant to pay much more. But I’d have said that at the original message - something along the lines of “sorry, with the buffet cost and present I’m a bit stretched for much else”. It sucks to be the one organising stuff and no one replies or suggests anything then complains after the fact. If you hadn’t said anything before then I’d prob feel obliged to cough up now to save any ill feeling.

Original poster
babysharkx · 13/01/2024 19:23

MiIz · 13/01/2024 19:15

For £7.50 I'd just pay it. I dont think the friend done anything wrong by gifting a book, and once you've already had a gift at the baby shower you don't get another gift at the birth.

Maybe there’s not but I’m just using it as a comparison to what I’m being asked to pay for. Personally I wouldn’t just take a book as a present to a baby shower but that’s just me.

I know you don’t usually but she literally said when she turned up at the shower ‘I’ve only brought a book because I would rather get her a proper gift when she’s born’ then when she came to see her when she was born she said ‘I was going to get you a present but I didn’t know what size you would want’ and then I never heard anything else of it.

OP posts:
Theatrefan12 · 13/01/2024 19:24

brought a book as a gift.. plus didn’t get my baby a present when she was born

Nothing wrong with a book, better than yet another set of baby grows and bibs. And you are a CF to expect a second present when the baby is born

Original poster
babysharkx · 13/01/2024 19:27

Allinadayswork80 · 13/01/2024 19:23

All seems a bit OTT, I always thought a baby shower (albeit all a bit Americanised for me tbh) was usually hosted at someone’s house, a banner and some balloons, a few nibbles, some silly games and prezzies. £20 each for a buffet?! Bit extreme and I’d be reluctant to pay much more. But I’d have said that at the original message - something along the lines of “sorry, with the buffet cost and present I’m a bit stretched for much else”. It sucks to be the one organising stuff and no one replies or suggests anything then complains after the fact. If you hadn’t said anything before then I’d prob feel obliged to cough up now to save any ill feeling.

Ahh maybe I should’ve said something like that but it’s just a bit awkward in a group chat. If I was the organiser and I’d asked who would be happy to contribute and only 5 people agreed I wouldn’t dream of going ahead and ordering it anyway and demanding the money. To me the silence from the other people is an indication of a no.

OP posts:
Allinadayswork80 · 13/01/2024 19:29

Yeah I get that, but prob more awkward now tho! Hope you get it sorted x

Original poster
babysharkx · 13/01/2024 19:31

Theatrefan12 · 13/01/2024 19:24

brought a book as a gift.. plus didn’t get my baby a present when she was born

Nothing wrong with a book, better than yet another set of baby grows and bibs. And you are a CF to expect a second present when the baby is born

see above. she literally said she was going to get a present when she was born as she brought a book cos she didn’t have time to get her a ‘proper present‘ so she was the one that set that expectation.

OP posts:
MiIz · 13/01/2024 19:32

but she literally said when she turned up at the shower ‘I’ve only brought a book because I would rather get her a proper gift when she’s born’

That changes the story, could be seen as a drip feed given that everyone is saying the same that you don't buy 2 gifts.

fitzwilliamdarcy · 13/01/2024 19:39

YANBU for not wanting to contribute to the party and buy a gift as well. Unfortunately it’s been the norm with people I know/work with to have the grabbiest baby showers (including one woman who had 5 of them), so it doesn’t surprise me that she’s behaving like this, but it doesn’t mean you should pay up.

YABU for being cross with her for not buying you a baby shower gift and a newborn gift. I had a number of friends whinge about this when they had their babies and it really put me off the friendship frankly. Between that and their weddings it was like I was suddenly a cash cow for their family.

(But I’m someone who loathes the concept of baby showers so I may be biased.)

Mrgrinch · 13/01/2024 19:40

I just don't understand how in some social circles it's acceptable to invite people to an event but ask them to pay for it. This would never be done amongst my friends and family.

She took it upon herself to spend other people's money for them when they didn't offer it. She needs to pay for it herself.

Theatrefan12 · 13/01/2024 19:42

babysharkx · 13/01/2024 19:31

see above. she literally said she was going to get a present when she was born as she brought a book cos she didn’t have time to get her a ‘proper present‘ so she was the one that set that expectation.

Show quote history

I cross posted with you. Bit of crucial information you missed in your post. As pp said good bit of drip feeding there

mumsytoon · 13/01/2024 19:42

Mrgrinch · 13/01/2024 19:40

I just don't understand how in some social circles it's acceptable to invite people to an event but ask them to pay for it. This would never be done amongst my friends and family.

She took it upon herself to spend other people's money for them when they didn't offer it. She needs to pay for it herself.

Same here. You host, you pay. If it's a surprise then the dh pays. So crass and tacky to ask people to contribute. I wouldn't even bother going, given her behaviour at yours OP.

Snowydaysfaraway · 13/01/2024 19:42

Just reply you don't like cake... And ignore...

hellojelly · 13/01/2024 19:43

babysharkx · 13/01/2024 19:27

Ahh maybe I should’ve said something like that but it’s just a bit awkward in a group chat. If I was the organiser and I’d asked who would be happy to contribute and only 5 people agreed I wouldn’t dream of going ahead and ordering it anyway and demanding the money. To me the silence from the other people is an indication of a no.

Show quote history

Just say it. Can almost guarantee other people are feeling the same.

"Sorry but I didn't agree to contribute to the cake because things are tight at the minute, and having sent money for the buffet plus needing to buy a gift too. Hopefully you can cancel the cake and I'm sure there'll be a lovely one at the supermarket instead."

Original poster
babysharkx · 13/01/2024 19:44

I love how the gift part is what everyone is focused on. I wouldn’t expect 2 gifts. I mentioned it in comparison of how things were when it was me. She didn’t have to contribute anything to the shower, had food/alcohol/transport provided, turned up with a book and explained she would get another gift but never did!

meanwhile the gift list for her shower are things like prep machine, baby carrier etc

OP posts:
ttcat37 · 13/01/2024 19:44

“plus said friend turned up at my baby shower (which my mum hosted and provided the buffet) drank about 3 free bottles of wine, got a lift home from me and brought a book as a gift.. plus didn’t get my baby a present when she was born.”

This is very grabby. What gift would have been acceptable for you?
And you wanted ANOTHER gift after the baby was born??

MrsMarzetti · 13/01/2024 19:44

When did people become so greedy and grabby? A present for the baby is more than enough. Why does the mother to be need a party and presents, before long the fathers to be will be having a party too.