Baby shower etiquette AIBU?

[babysharkx]

So I just wanna get an outside opinion on this. One of my friends has a baby shower coming up and her best friend is organising it for her. She made a WhatsApp group for everyone invited.

She did a few polls in the chat to decide on the venue. Then told us the food options. The buffet is around £20 a head which everyone agreed to send their share of the money. Then she’d put in the chat something about wanting to order a cake and decorations and asked if people were happy to contribute. About 5 people said yes out of 20 and her mum even said she would pay for the cake.

Then a few weeks later the organiser has put in the chat she’s ordered the cake and decorations which has come to £150 so can everyone send her their share. Not sure what happened to her mum paying for the cake. I find it so cheeky as not everyone agreed to pay it! She’s shared her bank details in the chat about 4 times asking people to transfer it. More people have caved and paid than said they were originally going to but I think there’s still about 7 people that haven’t.

I know in the grand scheme it’s not a great deal of money but i don’t want to send it based on the principle. It’s a cost of living crisis. I’m already having to fund the buffet and buy a gift without paying for the cake and decorations too.

plus said friend turned up at my baby shower (which my mum hosted and provided the buffet) drank about 3 free bottles of wine, got a lift home from me and brought a book as a gift.. plus didn’t get my baby a present when she was born.

What would you do? Is it normal to be invited to a party and asked to pay for the decorations? I don’t know whether to send it just to keep the peace or just wait to see if she asks me directly to tell her what I think.

I agree with this.

Why do baby showers have to be held in a venue with an expensive buffet and decorations?

Why not just have a few friends round at the house?

I'd be inclined to just pay the £20 that I had agreed to. Decorations are unnecessary and will get thrown away after a single use.

My baby shower was planned and hosted at my friends lovely home. My dh insisted on paying for it all. My friends wanted to pay for most of the stuff so they sorted it out between themselves and dh. That's how it should be done. Not charging people. Where does it end?

You had me until you mentioned about your baby shower. Nothing wrong with a book. YABU to bring that into consideration/mention it. YANBU to everything else. You agreed £20 so just pay that.

Yes it's expensive, but I think the 15 people who didnt want to contribute are equally to blame for not saying they didnt want to contribute or what their budget was and I think she did her best and went a bit wrong.

I would say 'sorry that's not in my budget as I indicated by not agreeing when you asked on [date].

I would also absolutely gift a book, and would write a lovely message in the front so she can't regift it to someone else

I think your missing the point.

Op was given a book as a gift. So probably thinking of giving a gift of similar value £10.
Deduct £7.50 of the budget and she'd be lucky to get a bottle of bubble bath.

She may still be using her baby stuff or want to hang onto it for a second child.

Don’t pay unless she asks for it
Bay showers in my opinion are tacky and grabby, none of my friends/ relatives did them

Did you say there was a gift list? What in all the world is that about!

I agree. You don’t ask people to pay money for the privilege of coming to your party. If there’s any “payment,” it’s the gifts they’re bringing for the baby.

Ooh I'm annoyed for you op!
I never had baby showers, but I firmly believe that if you want to have one, you pay for it!

You are a guest not the host, yanbu.

Is that not done in the UK? In the US, a gift registry is common so that people have some idea of what the baby needs. Guests don’t have to purchase something on the list, but a lot of people find it helpful. It helps prevent situations where, for example, loads of people bring baby pajamas, but what the baby really needs is bottles or diapers (nappies).

It’s usually considered bad taste to put big expensive items on the list, though. If someone like a relative wants to give you a bigger present like a crib (cot) or a car seat, they make discreet inquiries about what sort of bigger items you need.

Social media 😉

I just don't understand how in some social circles it's acceptable to invite people to an event but ask them to pay for it. This would never be done amongst my friends and family.

This. It's downright rude to ask others to pay for any such gathering. Downgrade your plans and expectations if you can't afford it.

As if baby showers weren’t ghastly enough - are you now expected to pay to attend one?

You’d have to pay ME £20 to attend one 🤣 I couldn’t personally think of anything worse, but that’s just me! All seems to be getting totally out of control now!

Nope I wouldn't contributing anything further and I'd get a cheap gift too
I'm sick of people not being fair when it comes to giving and receiving.
I refuse to do it anymore after being made to feel shit when it came to my special occasions.

She already bought your child a book at the baby shower so yabu re present when born. Re the right just say no you already paid for the buffet.

Especially when these grabby events didn't exist!

This is why I hate baby showers.

Grabby, pay as you go gatherings wouldn't exist if people refused to go to them.

I have only been to one baby shower, and it was for someone at work. We booked a meeting room one lunchtime and everyone brought a contribution to the buffet. It was a lovely send off for the mother to be.

If I was invited to one with "activities" and asked to pay to attend I would just make my excuses.

Maybe it’s just me but if I’d put something in a group chat asking if people were willing to contribute and I didn’t get a response from the majority of the people I would assume they weren’t.. I probably would sort it with the people who said they were. Either way I would double check the situation before going ahead and ordering anything.

Sometimes people are embarrassed to say they can’t afford something or it’s out of their budget in a group chat setting.

You must be very rich. Every birthday party, meal out, or event I've been invited to we all pay for ourselves. This is known and expected by all guests. Weddings the wedding meal if paid by the bride and groom but guests buy their own drinks.

Yes exactly! It was a nice book but it was a paperback style one that you can pick up from The Works for a couple of quid. Completely fine if that’s her gift of choice but she then said she ‘only brought a book’ because she was planning on getting her a gift when she was born which she never did.

I’m definitely not slagging anyone who wants to take a book to a baby shower. It’s a nice idea as it’s something you can keep and use for longer than a baby grow for example but personally I would choose to gift something slightly bigger which I also think this friend would expect (hence the gift list)

@ilovepixie you've paid for yourself at every party you've attended? That's ridiculous. If I couldn't afford to host something I simply wouldn't host it. Or I'd plan the event I could afford. I'd never in my wildest dreams plan something more expensive and ask the guests to pay for it.

In fact, if I was paying for part of the cake then I'd expect to have an input in the flavour.