Baby shower etiquette AIBU?

[babysharkx]

So I just wanna get an outside opinion on this. One of my friends has a baby shower coming up and her best friend is organising it for her. She made a WhatsApp group for everyone invited.

She did a few polls in the chat to decide on the venue. Then told us the food options. The buffet is around £20 a head which everyone agreed to send their share of the money. Then she’d put in the chat something about wanting to order a cake and decorations and asked if people were happy to contribute. About 5 people said yes out of 20 and her mum even said she would pay for the cake.

Then a few weeks later the organiser has put in the chat she’s ordered the cake and decorations which has come to £150 so can everyone send her their share. Not sure what happened to her mum paying for the cake. I find it so cheeky as not everyone agreed to pay it! She’s shared her bank details in the chat about 4 times asking people to transfer it. More people have caved and paid than said they were originally going to but I think there’s still about 7 people that haven’t.

I know in the grand scheme it’s not a great deal of money but i don’t want to send it based on the principle. It’s a cost of living crisis. I’m already having to fund the buffet and buy a gift without paying for the cake and decorations too.

plus said friend turned up at my baby shower (which my mum hosted and provided the buffet) drank about 3 free bottles of wine, got a lift home from me and brought a book as a gift.. plus didn’t get my baby a present when she was born.

What would you do? Is it normal to be invited to a party and asked to pay for the decorations? I don’t know whether to send it just to keep the peace or just wait to see if she asks me directly to tell her what I think.

Who spends £27.50 on themselves on a visit to Starbucks?

@Gruffallowhydidntyouknow you forgot the house warming party 🤣

Don’t forget the latest thing - the “baby cake smash” party that takes place on the first birthday.

I must’ve spend thousands on my friends in the last 10-15 years.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/education-39656299

A book is still a 'proper present' why are we being so entitled.

Just because your mum offered to host and pay for your party doesn't mean this girl has that on offer to her- the friend wants to organize a shower but clearly can't afford all the decorations herself. You can chip in and take that 7.50 off the cost of your gift. You can give a bundle of your baby's clothes or old books or toys as a gift you don't have to spent 1p more. Or, as you clearly don't like this mum to be very much, you can just not go.

It seems to be the norm that family hosting - decorations and food covered, a friend hosting - everyone is asked to chip in

YABU for even agreeing to attend this event.

Baby showers really are the pits.

Oh yes. The cake smash. I luckily don't have to pay for my friend's carpet crawlers to nose dive a Victoria sponge.

I did realise I missed the christening off the list though. Do people do that as well still? I've never paid to attend one of those.

really? I would say every single one I've been too I've paid something in addition to the cost of my individual share - for decorations or to cover the mother to be's plate. It's never a huge amount - if the buffet was £20 I would consider it to be the norm to pay £2-to an absolute max of £5 more. An extra £7.50 per person (£150/20) is a lot to expect though, and crucially, I've always been told the full amount and breakdown of costs at the start so could base my decision on whether to attend on that, rather than it being sprung on me as a done deal when it's hard to back out, so the organiser is being very cheeky.

Why are they having a baby shower when they can't afford it (or unwilling to pay to host it).

It's hardly an essential event.

I'd make my excuses and not go.

Grabbers.

For the glory (selfie reels on instagram and TikTok)

The whole point of a baby shower is to give the presents then though. I've never heard of anyone giving presents both at the shower and again when the baby is born! Or for having baby showers for any child after the first one. I also don't know anyone who has had a party or anything for a gender reveal, and very few who had engagement parties (and none expected presents for them). So really it's 3 events max for most couples, which over 10-20 years of friendship doesn't seem excessive.

You also seem to be ignoring the fact that every single one of these things is optional.

There's this bizarre focus on MN that you're spending the money ON the friend, whereas the friend's occasion is just the REASON for the expenditure but you're paying for yourself just as you would for an other outlay for any other reason. e.g. if you stay in a hotel after the wedding you're paying for YOUR room, if you go on a hen do you're paying for YOUR drinks/activity, if a baby shower the majority of the cost is for YOUR food. People don't have this weird begrudging attitude for other stuff, if I went for a family meal for my dd's or DM's birthday I wouldn't count the cost of my steak as part of their birthday present as if I was doing them a massive favour, I'd think I am paying £30 for a meal that I am eating!

If I'm invited on, say, a hen, I think of it as a holiday for me - if it's somewhere I don't want to go I go or can't afford I politely refuse, if it's something I do fancy I enjoy myself doing something I want to do with people I like. Exactly if I was going on holiday with a partner/children/friends. I don't think of it as a begrudging obligation.

I don't understand people who apparently want friendships but don't want to actually spend any time or money socialising with said friends or celebrating key events in their life

The cost is pretty cheap and it's for food and cake you will eat. I don't see the problem. I actually think you're grabby for expecting to be fed for free.

You should come to the US and enjoy a proper baby shower, sans buffet, restaurant, etc.

I think she meant the extra £7.50 she’s trying to railroad everyone into!

Someone I work with and don't get along with had a baby shower recently. Clearly and luckily I wasn't invited, because she expected everyone who was invited to pay her money towards throwing it! Never heard anything like it before, if you can't afford a baby shower then don't have one! I've never had one for my dc and think they're unnecessary and pointless anyway, so would politely turn down any future invites. This person is a cf. And I'd refuse point blank to pay a penny more than you already have.

She was literally the one who said it wasn’t a ‘proper present’ if you read what I said.

My mum hosted it at her house to keep costs down. This girl is not exactly skint, her family may not be offering to pay for it but her DH happens to be loaded and has a very well paid job. If her bestie couldn’t afford the cake and decorations she could’ve looked at cheaper options like people have suggested such as a supermarket cake rather than a bespoke cake and fancy balloon arch.

I actually do like her 🙄

I've never been to any party/gathering where guests have been asked to contribute, other than opting to bring gifts/buy drinks/bring food depending on the occasion.

What is next, birth of baby for which you'll buy a gift. Then maybe a Christening, naming ceremony - another gathering/buffet/cake etc. Will they expect that to be funded by their guests too!

I”d just ignore the messages for more money. And ye would only buy a very cheap gift ; maybe a book😉

Yeah it might be cheap for you. It’s all relative isn’t it.

I definitely won’t eat the cake and I don’t expect to be fed for free. The buffet isn’t what I have a problem with I agreed to pay for that. It’s the extras no one agreed to that she’s trying to charge people for.

I think the really cheeky bit is asking for more money.
If you are asking for money you need to calculate the total cost, food, cake, decorations and tell people the cost to start with.

Op does the £20 include drinks of any description? Or is that another extra?

Another thing from America.. personally l don't like them.
Visit the baby after it's born.. take a present.. job done.

I hate baby showers.
So twee and grabby.

Yes exactly! It’s more the way she’s gone about it.

No there’s no drinks included in that. She did mention it would be another £6 for anyone who wanted a welcome drink but I politely declined. I’m pregnant so can’t drink anyway & I didn’t fancy the AF option.

Me too. I can afford it but don't want to spend on other people when I can spend it on my family. We have young kids so they are the excuse now Lol!

I would decline the whole lot and say you hope they all have a lovely time but you are now unable to go.