DH is LC with his parents, essentially NC but will say thank you for gifts sent on his birthday etc. DH was treated differently to siblings and emotionally neglected, Mumsnet helped him go LC and DH was redirected to stately homes. MIL is a narcissist and FIL is so passive, he just allows it all to happen. We fell out for good after our wedding, Mumsnet said to not invite her as she will ruin it, we still did (I am close to my mum and so I always thought your mum should be there) and she did ruin it for DH by starting a fight. She also sent a lot of abuse about me and my family to family members and says nasty things about me.
Whilst I knew MIL would blame me for DH’s decision to go LC I didn’t expect the way she spoke about me, which I found out because she doesn’t know how to use Facebook properly and thought she was sending a message to her sister but instead wrote it on a status I can see. “Narcissist”, “psychopath” etc were used plenty.
Now I am pregnant, just coming up to 12 weeks. We are thrilled. This will be the third grandchild in his family, as his sister (golden child) has two. MIL is very involved in their lives and does a LOT of childcare which SIL needs as both of them are doctors. When first grandchild was born, MIL posted a picture of her, her name, sex, weight etc to Facebook within minutes of birth, whilst SIL was being cleaned up.
MIL already has 0 respect for me, is nasty behind my back, and has no boundaries even for her favourite child. To me it suggests she will be even worse with my child. DH and I want no pics of our child on social media, I know she will do it anyway; it’s who she is. She would also turn it and say we’re unreasonable if we ever got upset about it. So I don’t want her overly involved in our child’s life.
I suggested that we keep this pregnancy ours, those who deeply care for us will know. I’m not announcing on socials etc. it’s already such an anxious time as a FTM. When baby is born, we will tell MIL as well as rest of his family (he is also LC with SIL) and give them windows to visit and meet the child.
DH agrees but is also worried she will say how we have hidden the child / will tell everyone we’ve kept the child from her etc. my argument is that her behavioural patterns mean she will be angry with whichever decision we make.
Telling her before baby is born means she will make superficial attempts to reconcile with DH but also make our lives difficult. DH doesn’t want fake reconciliation, he needs her to admit she’s done wrong and make amends but it’s been 3 years of no attempts from her. When DH doesn’t allow her constant access to information / reconciliation, she will inevitably say it’s because of me and believe she has rights to my body and our baby.
SOOOO AIBU to suggest we wait until baby is born to tell in laws?
DH asked me to post and agrees with everything.