To not tell in-laws “we” are pregnant?

[shutupjustine]

DH is LC with his parents, essentially NC but will say thank you for gifts sent on his birthday etc. DH was treated differently to siblings and emotionally neglected, Mumsnet helped him go LC and DH was redirected to stately homes. MIL is a narcissist and FIL is so passive, he just allows it all to happen. We fell out for good after our wedding, Mumsnet said to not invite her as she will ruin it, we still did (I am close to my mum and so I always thought your mum should be there) and she did ruin it for DH by starting a fight. She also sent a lot of abuse about me and my family to family members and says nasty things about me.

Whilst I knew MIL would blame me for DH’s decision to go LC I didn’t expect the way she spoke about me, which I found out because she doesn’t know how to use Facebook properly and thought she was sending a message to her sister but instead wrote it on a status I can see. “Narcissist”, “psychopath” etc were used plenty.

Now I am pregnant, just coming up to 12 weeks. We are thrilled. This will be the third grandchild in his family, as his sister (golden child) has two. MIL is very involved in their lives and does a LOT of childcare which SIL needs as both of them are doctors. When first grandchild was born, MIL posted a picture of her, her name, sex, weight etc to Facebook within minutes of birth, whilst SIL was being cleaned up.

MIL already has 0 respect for me, is nasty behind my back, and has no boundaries even for her favourite child. To me it suggests she will be even worse with my child. DH and I want no pics of our child on social media, I know she will do it anyway; it’s who she is. She would also turn it and say we’re unreasonable if we ever got upset about it. So I don’t want her overly involved in our child’s life.

I suggested that we keep this pregnancy ours, those who deeply care for us will know. I’m not announcing on socials etc. it’s already such an anxious time as a FTM. When baby is born, we will tell MIL as well as rest of his family (he is also LC with SIL) and give them windows to visit and meet the child.

DH agrees but is also worried she will say how we have hidden the child / will tell everyone we’ve kept the child from her etc. my argument is that her behavioural patterns mean she will be angry with whichever decision we make.

Telling her before baby is born means she will make superficial attempts to reconcile with DH but also make our lives difficult. DH doesn’t want fake reconciliation, he needs her to admit she’s done wrong and make amends but it’s been 3 years of no attempts from her. When DH doesn’t allow her constant access to information / reconciliation, she will inevitably say it’s because of me and believe she has rights to my body and our baby.

SOOOO AIBU to suggest we wait until baby is born to tell in laws?
DH asked me to post and agrees with everything.

OP you say the Stately Homes threads helped DH. Has he also read up on the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt)? It's about letting go of that feeling that however abusive someone was to you, you still can't stop letting them control your responses.
Fear, obligation, guilt

There's also a very good book which started off the whole concept:
Out of the Fog: Moving From Confusion to Clarity After Narcissistic Abuse

And another very helpful book:
Toxic Parents; Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

Although he's gone LC your DH obviously still fears his mother's reactions, so he isn't completely at ease with it. These will help him to let go and not be affected by her in the future.

@shutupjustine

Why tell her at all? I wouldn't. If she's too toxic for you and your DH to be around, she's 1000x too toxic to subject your child(ren) to.

I'd tell her nothing and if she finds out through the family grapevine, so be it. Hopefully she'll get the unspoken message. But if not, then you and DH can go from LC to real 'hardcore' NC. Which is probably the best thing to do anyway, baby or no baby.

You predicted her behaviour at your wedding. There's a good chance she'll behave in the way you're anticipating re your DC. You & DH can do what you like. You could even have less contact, which'll mean you don't have to suffer her at all.

Congratulations!

She's going to be a cow whatever you do, so do what suits you.

Don’t tell her at all. Obviously she will probably find out eventually. But why would you let someone meet your baby when they treated their own son (and you!) so poorly that you went nc…let alone let them build a relationship them?

She has no automatic rights to your child. And more than that, you have a responsibility to protect your child from people that are likely to damage them emotionally. If she couldn’t be a good mother to your DH, even in adulthood, then she’s highly unlikely to be a positive addition to your child’s life.

If you think she's going to use it to make things difficult for you, them personally I'd get that out of the way while you're still only pregnant. I'd have thought the last thing you'd want with a new baby is the drama of suddenly revealing the birth and any fall out from that. And personally if she's that bad I'd cut her off completely (up to your DH what he decides) rather than this half way house where you try to set rules and 'windows' which she will doubtless ignore or more drama will happen over it.

Alternatively you could be bold and just add the dc name to next year’s Christmas card… set the tone & make it clear if she wants any part of this she needs to wind in her behaviour.

This. 100%. I would not be exposing any child of mine to any person who has behaved or treated their own children like they have - abusive and just downright awful. I would not tell them at all. I'd go NC to protect my baby and my family. You'll soon realise how precious your time is and you won't have the capacity to deal with toxic shit like that once you have a little person to care for. You are so much better off, you'll lose nothing by cutting them out and never seeing them again. Or, tell them and open yourselves and your child to more abuse and stress... Why would you do it? Surround yourselves with people that love and care for you how you want your child to see, feel and emulate. Surround yourselves with support. Don't let others, or fear of what they might think, stop you doing what's best for you.
Congratulations on your baby 😊 I hope you and DH do really work out what's best for you and only you xx

Why are you telling her at all? You need to consider what you want here: do you want contact to increase and expose your child to her? Will she try to visit once she finds out? Why tell her?

Congrats to you both, my upbringing by a narc mother has made me a better, more informed parent.

You can both lie to the problematic people, if anyone finds out before you feel ready.

Push your due date, due in September? Say end of October.

Claim the baby came early....

It's hard to sit on the headline information for these major events but they don't need the detailed truth, so stretch it to give yourself time or excuse yourself if they find out afterwards and it's not the time for a showdown.

I wouldn't tell her. I didn't tell my own mother until DC was born - she never visits nor does she live nearby so she wasn't going to find out by chance.

Enjoy your pregnancy and don't give her a second thought.

Tell her after you've given birth and had a few weeks to yourself. I wouldn't blame you for not telling her at all. Also to add, instead od thinking she ruined your wedding, remind yourself that she publicly embarrassed herself and everybody will know. I wish you a happy and peaceful pregnancy

Why would you invite her over to meet your child at all? She’s not going to respect your boundaries when she’s in your home and will use your baby as a means to abuse you. I wouldn’t entertain the idea of her having a relationship with my child. In fact, I think you would be failing your child by allowing them exposure to such dysfunction.

I had a prem dc and dh told mil I didn't want visitors in hospital .. She ignored him and came anyway. I was fuming. Don't tell her unless you want her turning up...

Here’s the thing: she’s going to insult you both no matter what you do. She enjoys it. He’s the scapegoat and you’re even lower as his wife. She will absolutely target your child. One, favouritism only works when there’s something to compare to. The GC grandkids need to see yours treated lesser than so they understand that Grandma’s love is conditional and if they don’t toe the line, they could be targeted next. Two, weaponizing your child against you. Sly comments, insults, undermining your parenting are SOP for toxic people.

Instead of asking yourselves WHEN to tell her about your pregnancy, you need to ask yourselves WHY you’d tell her. She abused her own child. Why would she treat yours better?

If she's like my narcissistic in law, there's no such thing as 'getting drama out of the way'. They just latch onto the next thing for their narcissistic supply.

So there will be drama around the pregnancy, drama around the birth, drama around meeting (or not meeting) the baby, drama around grandparenting (or not being allowed to grandparent), drama around the first birthday.... and so on.

I'd delay telling them and have a more relaxing pregnancy.

Also consider that you might be feeling vulnerable and unwell around the birth, and wanting your husband's support and attention. If he's conditioned to react to them then his attention will be elsewhere. It can take a long time to get over being let down like that, it did serious damage to my marriage when my first child was born.

Another vote for don’t tell her full stop. She adds nothing positive to your lives. That won’t change just because you are pregnant.

@shutupjustine

DH is concerned about the backlash, being told he’s a bad person which is kind of how he’s spent his life growing up.

Has DH had any counselling around the way his mother and, in a lesser way his father, have behaved? Perhaps now is the time to start as the situation is likely to escalate once it's known you are pregnant and, perhaps, emotionally vulnerable to their opinions/actions and those of the flying monkeys they'll employ in trying to bringing you both - especially your husband- back to heel.

I would also not tell them what hospital you'll be going to or when the birth will be as they will behave as badly as they did with SIL. Warn the hospital/your midwife they are likely to turn up and should have absolutely no access to you. Your husband should have his phone switched off in the run up to the birth in the actual date so they're not trying to get updates whilst he's trying to focus on you.

Are your side of the family aware of the situation with MIL/FIL and that they should be careful with your information? 🌹

I wouldn't let someone like that breathe the same air as my DC. Don't do this to your child or yourselves, it will only end in tears.

I’d block her on social media. I actually like my in laws and even I don’t have them as Facebook friends.

I just wouldn’t tell her. We are not at all close to our wider family and never told them when we were expecting our DC.

Does your DH not have his own mind? You talk about doing what MN tells you, you talk about MIL posting that you’re a narcissist but that’s exactly what you’re doing on here!
It all sounds so over dramatic. Shouldn’t all weddings have someone having a fight!!!
If your DH wants to tell his parents, or indeed anyone else, about him becoming a father, then that’s his choice. If you don’t want photos of your child on SM, don’t send any photos to anyone. You’re over investing in your MIL. Just put her out of your mind and get on with your day, it really is that simple.
BTW, NPD is a mental health condition and as such people shouldn’t be diagnosing others with the disorder willy-billy.

DH agrees but is also worried she will say how we have hidden the child / will tell everyone we’ve kept the child from her etc.

accept if you don’t tell her that is exactly what you will be doing but with just cause. Her behaviour has driven that decision.

You can with continue with trying to appease your MIL & put up with the abuse or you can draw a line in the sand and control the situation.

not sure what backlash there really is apart from her spouting off. Most people will probably understand your decision.

Why would you tell her at all? You gave her a chance at your wedding as she acted badly. You will be so vulnerable when you are pregnant or have a newborn and she will use that to her advantage to fuck you over.

Your dh needs to come to terms with the fact that whatever he does or says and whenever he does that will be wrong. He needs to step away emotionally from it all. My dh had very similar but he is a good and lovely man and once he could see that of himself then he felt able to move away from the hurtful words, they just washed over him. i would plan no big announcement, if MIL rings or you see her make a decision then, play it all by how you both feel. Ultimately you need to look after your little family.