To not tell in-laws “we” are pregnant?

[shutupjustine]

DH is LC with his parents, essentially NC but will say thank you for gifts sent on his birthday etc. DH was treated differently to siblings and emotionally neglected, Mumsnet helped him go LC and DH was redirected to stately homes. MIL is a narcissist and FIL is so passive, he just allows it all to happen. We fell out for good after our wedding, Mumsnet said to not invite her as she will ruin it, we still did (I am close to my mum and so I always thought your mum should be there) and she did ruin it for DH by starting a fight. She also sent a lot of abuse about me and my family to family members and says nasty things about me.

Whilst I knew MIL would blame me for DH’s decision to go LC I didn’t expect the way she spoke about me, which I found out because she doesn’t know how to use Facebook properly and thought she was sending a message to her sister but instead wrote it on a status I can see. “Narcissist”, “psychopath” etc were used plenty.

Now I am pregnant, just coming up to 12 weeks. We are thrilled. This will be the third grandchild in his family, as his sister (golden child) has two. MIL is very involved in their lives and does a LOT of childcare which SIL needs as both of them are doctors. When first grandchild was born, MIL posted a picture of her, her name, sex, weight etc to Facebook within minutes of birth, whilst SIL was being cleaned up.

MIL already has 0 respect for me, is nasty behind my back, and has no boundaries even for her favourite child. To me it suggests she will be even worse with my child. DH and I want no pics of our child on social media, I know she will do it anyway; it’s who she is. She would also turn it and say we’re unreasonable if we ever got upset about it. So I don’t want her overly involved in our child’s life.

I suggested that we keep this pregnancy ours, those who deeply care for us will know. I’m not announcing on socials etc. it’s already such an anxious time as a FTM. When baby is born, we will tell MIL as well as rest of his family (he is also LC with SIL) and give them windows to visit and meet the child.

DH agrees but is also worried she will say how we have hidden the child / will tell everyone we’ve kept the child from her etc. my argument is that her behavioural patterns mean she will be angry with whichever decision we make.

Telling her before baby is born means she will make superficial attempts to reconcile with DH but also make our lives difficult. DH doesn’t want fake reconciliation, he needs her to admit she’s done wrong and make amends but it’s been 3 years of no attempts from her. When DH doesn’t allow her constant access to information / reconciliation, she will inevitably say it’s because of me and believe she has rights to my body and our baby.

SOOOO AIBU to suggest we wait until baby is born to tell in laws?
DH asked me to post and agrees with everything.

I am LC with my m’n’law - I leave my husband to decide what interactions he has with her. He stands up to her if need be around issues about me. I think your issue is maybe your hubby doesn’t feel he can stand up to his mother? My husband would have been furious with his mother and cut her off if she had posted those comments about me. What does your hubby do in all this drama? How does he react to his mother?

DH is basically NC (but she occasionally replies to his Instagram story) because SIL is as guilty as MIL, but imo not as bad.

We can easily go years without seeing SIL or BIL and their partners. BIL is very quiet and to himself with his friends. MIL also hates his wife simply because she’s fat and he can “do better”. So not telling siblings is easy.

It’s hard to explain MIL without an essay.

She will outwardly care about our child. As in, she will post on social media and tell everyone but treat the child differently to its cousins.

also, I didn’t want to add it to my original post but around the trust issue with her, she gave SIL children and her own solids from 4 months, and always says how she’s “managed to do it a lot longer than you so I think I know what I’m doing” and that’s how it would always be. Her children all turned out “fine”. All smart with good jobs.

Something else which maybe I take a bit deeper than DH does is that she is quite ignorant about race. I am mixed race. She made comments about us having baby orang-utans and whilst I think she meant it nicely, it didn’t feel good.

You should probably both be NC. She sounds horrendous. Why does DH want her in your lives AT ALL?

I mean this in the gentlist way possible but its time to 'not care'. Ive reached a point in my lift I do not give a shit what people think. Dont tell her, or tell her, but block her on sm, if she grts out of her lane then out her back in it and if she rants about you to others, why does it matter? If they believe her then they are of no significance in your lift. If they dont then she is simply making herself look bad, either way, dont let it matter to you!

I would tell her casually at something like 30 weeks, as if there was still ages to go, and don't give due dates or anything. If she wants to see you, then make excuses about being busy for the next two-three months and then tell her after the baby is born. That way, she won't be so shocked by the baby news and won't be able to accuse you of keeping it secret.

Best of luck and hope you enjoy your pregnancy!

Thank you everyone.

To answer a few questions, DH has been to therapy and it’s therapy that made him decide to go NC/LC in the end.

I appreciate all the perspectives and we’ve both read the thread. Thank you for all the helpful responses.

It would be easy to keep the baby a secret as we live no where close to any of his family. The only way we would see them is at a funeral but I’m hoping there isn’t one obviously! No weddings or events upcoming to be concerned about.

This.

You are giving her way too much headspace. Why are you thinking so much about her now? Leaving her aside, are you wanting to tell your parents and other close friends and family now, and that’s why telling MIL is on your mind? Why not take your foot off the pedal and keep the news entirely to yourselves for a while?

I personally don’t think you should lie or keep the baby a secret, I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that level of deceit as you are constantly going to be keeping that going in some form or another when really you need to learn to just not give her the headspace she craves so much.

id tell her but make it clear after what she called you and the abuse at your wedding she is no longer welcome in your lives, if she wants to act like a decent human being then it’s up to you and DH if you want to crack the door open to her but make it clear it’s on your and DHs terms only from this point on and any bullshittery will result in you both immediately pulling away.

block her on all social media, no photos, nothing, and stop accepting information from any third party in relation to her.

the siblings thing is difficult, a lot of time parents like this pit their children against each other to the point where they resent each other because they perform their designated roles to please her.. it’s not really their fault, and maybe once DH has got a handle on his guilt regarding her he may still be able to have a relationship of some sort with his siblings so not all his family ties are lost, his Brother sounds miserable tbh, but just take it one day at a time.

How does your DH feel about going completely NC with his Mum and sister? Given your updates, I wouldn't even want them to meet my child, if I were you.

Why do people run everything by MN before deciding? it's your life, so what you like............

There's nothing wrong with cutting her off, if she starts harrassing you start to write it all down and tell her you will contact the police, then do that. You can protect your own new family from their abuser, she is dangerous emotionally and physically. She will never change, DH is unable to act to stop her hurting him because its all he's known all his life, he will let her in and thats not his fault. You are the parents now, not her, be the good, kind, strong mother that he never had, look after yourself, your husband and your baby. You can do it.
I stopped seeing my own family the first time I was pregnant, it causes some difficulties but it is not as stressful and damaging to all of us as continuing seeing them would have been. Don't allow her to hurt you all one second longer. Totally agree with DH getting some therapy, having your first child opens a huge can of painful worms if you have had abusive parents, making it harder.
You're the mum now, not her, follow your instincts.

You wouldn't be 'keeping the baby a secret', just living your life as if they didn't exist. If they find out (sure to happen at some point), so what? They say bad things or post bad things. So what?

By not telling them you would be making a clear statement about your position. Telling them late is a half in, half out position. Decide which you want.

I don't understand really why you're low contact instead of no contact at all

I was already in the go NC and don’t tell them anything camp, but the orang-utan comment has finished me off! She is racist, has no boundaries and favours her other child. Cut her off, she has no right to know anything, and no rights to see a grand child anyway.

Ps meant to say, poor you and poor your DH dealing with this crap. Enjoy your pregnancy and your baby without this toxic person!

obviously because DH is struggling with the NC, after years of being trained by his mother it's hard to just let go of all that, it sounds like he's trying to find a happy medium and mostly succeeding but having the baby has thrown up questions, it's not really easy to go LC and hide something this significant, but he doesn't sound ready to go NC just yet.

The guilt is real, you can't just wish it away unfortunately.

I think for DH sake you should not hide anything, but don't invite them in either, keep things exactly as they are if DH is happy to remain LC, you don't have to do anything OP apart from you and DH block her on all social media.

It's up to your dh when and what to tell her surely? Why are you searching her Facebook posts?

I am not quite sure why you would ever tell them to be honest.

So what if they first see your 10 year old child at a funeral.

Keep yourselves safe, mentally and emotionally, that's the main thing.

Fuck that, I wouldn’t have her involved in my babies life at all.

Would you want your baby to grow up with issues anywhere near what your husband has?

If you’re not bothered about any repercussions then you take a stand as the baby’s mother and say you have decided they are not to be involved in the baby’s life.
dont tell them about the pregnancy until after the birth, then when they ask to visit say no, don’t let them cross the threshold.

oh and by the way, there is NO WAY in earth anything about what she said was meant nicely, she is a down and out racist.

My DD, whos in her late 30s, was given some solids from 4 months as were many many babies on the advice of the health visitors. It really was a thing!

Don’t tell her. If she tries to reconcile after you’ve told her your DH will always wonder if it was him she wanted to reconcile with or if she just wanted access to the baby.

she also sounds awful, why would you want that around your child?!?!

I think not telling her is going to feed into the idea that you're the problem tbh and she will make the story that you've bullied your husband into keeping his child a secret from his family. If they're in your life then you need to find a way to balance them in their grandchild's too, and that is the case before birth as well as after.

Not read many PPs - just wanted to say you do not need to tell her anything ever - or see her either. Why bother? Neither of you like her. You do not need ''family''.