To not tell in-laws “we” are pregnant?

[shutupjustine]

DH is LC with his parents, essentially NC but will say thank you for gifts sent on his birthday etc. DH was treated differently to siblings and emotionally neglected, Mumsnet helped him go LC and DH was redirected to stately homes. MIL is a narcissist and FIL is so passive, he just allows it all to happen. We fell out for good after our wedding, Mumsnet said to not invite her as she will ruin it, we still did (I am close to my mum and so I always thought your mum should be there) and she did ruin it for DH by starting a fight. She also sent a lot of abuse about me and my family to family members and says nasty things about me.

Whilst I knew MIL would blame me for DH’s decision to go LC I didn’t expect the way she spoke about me, which I found out because she doesn’t know how to use Facebook properly and thought she was sending a message to her sister but instead wrote it on a status I can see. “Narcissist”, “psychopath” etc were used plenty.

Now I am pregnant, just coming up to 12 weeks. We are thrilled. This will be the third grandchild in his family, as his sister (golden child) has two. MIL is very involved in their lives and does a LOT of childcare which SIL needs as both of them are doctors. When first grandchild was born, MIL posted a picture of her, her name, sex, weight etc to Facebook within minutes of birth, whilst SIL was being cleaned up.

MIL already has 0 respect for me, is nasty behind my back, and has no boundaries even for her favourite child. To me it suggests she will be even worse with my child. DH and I want no pics of our child on social media, I know she will do it anyway; it’s who she is. She would also turn it and say we’re unreasonable if we ever got upset about it. So I don’t want her overly involved in our child’s life.

I suggested that we keep this pregnancy ours, those who deeply care for us will know. I’m not announcing on socials etc. it’s already such an anxious time as a FTM. When baby is born, we will tell MIL as well as rest of his family (he is also LC with SIL) and give them windows to visit and meet the child.

DH agrees but is also worried she will say how we have hidden the child / will tell everyone we’ve kept the child from her etc. my argument is that her behavioural patterns mean she will be angry with whichever decision we make.

Telling her before baby is born means she will make superficial attempts to reconcile with DH but also make our lives difficult. DH doesn’t want fake reconciliation, he needs her to admit she’s done wrong and make amends but it’s been 3 years of no attempts from her. When DH doesn’t allow her constant access to information / reconciliation, she will inevitably say it’s because of me and believe she has rights to my body and our baby.

SOOOO AIBU to suggest we wait until baby is born to tell in laws?
DH asked me to post and agrees with everything.

This says more eloquently what I was trying to say: not telling her until the baby is born will make you/your DH (but let's be real, you) into the bad guy and her the victim. That's fine if you're NC with her/the rest of the family, but as you're only LC you and your husband, probably more more him, will have to take the brunt of being told how unkind you've been to MIL.

She's toxic and abusive. I would go NC and stop caring what a soulless woman who verbally abused you and your husband says or puts on social media.

Until your post above I was in two minds but now I believe you should go NC permanently
She sounds like a horrible racist bully . Why would you subject your child to the same abuse that your DH received growing up ?

Your update about her orangutan comment is the final straw IMO.
NC all the way

There is no version of events where she said this with good in her heart.

OPhas you dh seekef Counseling?
I Think now is the perfect time and long over due .
A grown man who is about to be a father is still scared of his mother . Best he spends this time in Counseling by the time mother needs to know he will be stronger and better equipped to not let her effect him .

I think I wouldn’t do a special announcement but I would mention it if you’d be in contact at some point later in pregnancy but I wouldn’t initiate the contact myself. I think not mentioning it until something like 20 weeks is absolutely fine, even later if you are in LC with someone. Be vague about the date and details, again it’s normal approach. I don’t remember when my DH told his mum about my pregnancy, it was well over 20 weeks more like 30. We were in good terms but I had health issues and didn’t share with anyone for quite a while. We didn’t live near by so it was easy.
It looks like your DH is nervous in general about any contact so I don’t think delaying it will help him. I would rather practicing to discuss things on my terms before baby is born. Try to deal with one thing at a time, now it’s pregnancy news, then about birth; photos and childcare are problems for the future.
Im sure your Dh knows his relatives well and can predict their responses/ reactions so plan ahead what he will say etc e.g even making notes before phone call, it helps a lot and then it’s just getting easier.

Wow! I think your DH should definitely take this to heart - both for your sake and also for your child, who will also be mixed race. 🌹

Yabu to say “we’re pregnant” unless you are both pregnant.
otherwise she sounds awful.

@shutupjustine

She made comments about us having baby orang-utans and whilst I think she meant it nicely, it didn’t feel good.

BTW, OP, you give your MIL far too much credit- not for the first time, I bet. Stop and think for a moment and consider the mind and f someone who'd not only think this but also say it to the people it would most hurt. 🌹

Remember advice used to be 4 months around 25 to 30 years ago and a lot of older people will say similar to it didnt hurt you so that bit isn't odd.....but she does seem nasty.

That's not ignorance about race and it isn't meant nicely.....at that point I would have been out the door, firmly shut never to be opened.

DH and I wrote this post, as I said.

That’s not how Facebook works… it was on my main feed…

The reason I said she may have meant the orangutan comment nicely is because she loves the animal. She does comment on race a lot but always says it’s because our skin is so much more beautiful. I don’t know if I could say she’s an outright racist but she definitely has outdated views (for example her “biggest fear” is that one of her sons is falsely accused of rape. It always made me feel uncomfortable)

DH is only LC because once or twice a year he may respond to a WhatsApp message. If they’re ever in the same room (family party - which we no longer attend) they ignore each other, his mum goes to a big effort to ignore him. She never talks to me anyway, so technically we are NC.

We live 200 miles apart, have no overlap in friends. We do sometimes visit his Nan who is very old and so I would have to keep the baby from her which is my only concern. I have no particular concern about doing that tbh, I would happily bring the baby to meet her as soon as possible (all family are up north) and I think she wouldn’t mind that we kept it “secret”. We would actively have to tell his family about the baby for anyone to know.

Our current plan is on birth, as soon as we’re both home and healthy, write on the family group that was last used 2 years ago for SIL’s announcement, with the news of their name and arrival.

I am happy for his brother and sister to be involved in baby’s life and I think DH would be. His friction with SIL comes from his mum and how she’s changed since meeting her husband (now is a hunter and participates in The Hunt, which is very against his beliefs and used to be against hers - just a small example) but I do think she means well overall and loves DH. BIL is fine but just has kept to himself and doesn’t make much effort.

Every one of the children has their own hang ups - SIL thinks DH and BIL were treated better as they were smarter and she was always compared to them. DH has evidence that he was treated differently and was confirmed by his family (he wasn’t wanted which they admitted) and BIL was the baby but he thinks MIL spent too much time preoccupied with the other two. It’s all just messy.

My family isn’t perfect in any way but we get on and love each other. My mum knew from 5 weeks I was pregnant as I am very close with her (as is DH) and we told my dad and brother at Xmas. We haven’t told any other friends etc but they will find out naturally as we see them often.

@shutupjustine

The reason I said she may have meant the orangutan comment nicely is because she loves the animal

I love horses. So if I said "You are horse-faced" you'd take it as a compliment? I doubt it.

I'm assuming by 'mixed race' you're referring to part of your heritage being either African or Afro-Caribbean. It's pretty common for white supremacists here in the US to use monkey/ape remarks as racial slurs and I know I've seen news articles wherein people in the UK have done the same to athletes (shouted such things when they're on the field) and have been ejected or even prosecuted for it. So don't think your MiL didn't know what she was saying. She absolutely did. Even if she does think Orangutans are beautiful she would NEVER make that remark because she KNOWS it's an inappropriate thing to say. But she said it anyway.

I posted above, never tell them. I'm reiterating it now. How would you feel if your MiL were to say "Oh come to grandma, my little Orangutan?". Ugh!