To not tell in-laws “we” are pregnant?

[shutupjustine]

DH is LC with his parents, essentially NC but will say thank you for gifts sent on his birthday etc. DH was treated differently to siblings and emotionally neglected, Mumsnet helped him go LC and DH was redirected to stately homes. MIL is a narcissist and FIL is so passive, he just allows it all to happen. We fell out for good after our wedding, Mumsnet said to not invite her as she will ruin it, we still did (I am close to my mum and so I always thought your mum should be there) and she did ruin it for DH by starting a fight. She also sent a lot of abuse about me and my family to family members and says nasty things about me.

Whilst I knew MIL would blame me for DH’s decision to go LC I didn’t expect the way she spoke about me, which I found out because she doesn’t know how to use Facebook properly and thought she was sending a message to her sister but instead wrote it on a status I can see. “Narcissist”, “psychopath” etc were used plenty.

Now I am pregnant, just coming up to 12 weeks. We are thrilled. This will be the third grandchild in his family, as his sister (golden child) has two. MIL is very involved in their lives and does a LOT of childcare which SIL needs as both of them are doctors. When first grandchild was born, MIL posted a picture of her, her name, sex, weight etc to Facebook within minutes of birth, whilst SIL was being cleaned up.

MIL already has 0 respect for me, is nasty behind my back, and has no boundaries even for her favourite child. To me it suggests she will be even worse with my child. DH and I want no pics of our child on social media, I know she will do it anyway; it’s who she is. She would also turn it and say we’re unreasonable if we ever got upset about it. So I don’t want her overly involved in our child’s life.

I suggested that we keep this pregnancy ours, those who deeply care for us will know. I’m not announcing on socials etc. it’s already such an anxious time as a FTM. When baby is born, we will tell MIL as well as rest of his family (he is also LC with SIL) and give them windows to visit and meet the child.

DH agrees but is also worried she will say how we have hidden the child / will tell everyone we’ve kept the child from her etc. my argument is that her behavioural patterns mean she will be angry with whichever decision we make.

Telling her before baby is born means she will make superficial attempts to reconcile with DH but also make our lives difficult. DH doesn’t want fake reconciliation, he needs her to admit she’s done wrong and make amends but it’s been 3 years of no attempts from her. When DH doesn’t allow her constant access to information / reconciliation, she will inevitably say it’s because of me and believe she has rights to my body and our baby.

SOOOO AIBU to suggest we wait until baby is born to tell in laws?
DH asked me to post and agrees with everything.

Personally, I'm not sure I'd tell her anything until the child is at least 18!

Serious question - why not just go No Contact completely? His family add nothing to your life together, bar stress. Why not bite the bullet and be NC?

"DH doesn’t want fake reconciliation, he needs her to admit she’s done wrong and make amends"
I'm sorry, @shutupjustine 's husband, but your mother will never - NEVER - make such an admission.. She is completely incapable of doing so. What I feel you actually need is counselling or therapy to help you deal with your childhood.

"When DH doesn’t allow her constant access to information / reconciliation, she will inevitably say it’s because of me and believe she has rights to my body and our baby."
If she blamed me, I don't think I'd give a flying fuck. Especially if I was NC, because then I'd be totally unaware of whatever she said.

"DH doesn’t want fake reconciliation, he needs her to admit she’s done wrong and make amends"

Sadly this is extremely unlikely to happen. The best thing you can do in this situation is seek therapy to accept that you might never get the apology you deserve. I had some complex trauma counselling recently through a charity and I can't recommend it enough. I waited a while, but it was worth it.

Don't tell her at all.

Get DH to start some therapy now, as you'll both have less time when baby here. Becoming a dad will dredge up all the pain of his childhood.

Agreed. Someone who calls me a psychopath does not get to see my DC. Not even PIL.

If he’s afraid of repercussions about not telling, unfortunately she is still - at some level - exercising control over him. F.O.G, as he will know from Stately Homes, is how they keep you dancing to their tune.

You’ve said the woman has called you a narcissist and a psychopath. She’s made her own son so unhappy he’s realised he’s better off not speaking to her. So I don’t know what it benefits either of you to involve her at all, at any stage of your pregnancy, or with your baby. If you can’t interact kindly with the parents, you don’t get to see their baby. It’s not rocket science, and she’s entitled to nothing. It would just be to stop her making problems - as you’ve seen, that doesn’t work.

The three of you are a new beginning. Start as you mean to go on with LO, and tell her if and when she needs to know.

To DH, don’t worry about other people’s perception, it’s none of their business.

congratulations 🥳

What's the likelihood of bumping in to her or someone that's going to tell her you're pregnant? (My vote is don't tell them, I wouldn't even tell them when the baby is born due to the disrespect and ruining the wedding!)

Why do you care about "repurcussions"?

Yes definitely wait, she will cause a lot of stress. But then it seems she will cause a lot of stress any way which you don't need before or after baby is born. Personally, I think if she's a narcissistic lady who causes trouble and treated your dh neglectful then I wouldn't want that kind of person around my child at all. She can cause a lot of damage

Your MIL is not going apologise, or change, the pattern of behaviour is established.

What I do not really understand is why you are so worried and concerned about what she says about you. She ruined your wedding, she will do the same with your pregnancy. You and your DH need to decide and prioritise what is best for you both and your dc.

When DH doesn’t allow her constant access to information / reconciliation, she will inevitably say it’s because of me and believe she has rights to my body and our baby. This is entirely unto you - she only has rights to your body and baby if you let her have them. You can say no and you can control the narrative here but it requires you and your DH to be on the same page and to agree where the boundaries are.

I wouldn't tell them at all until it comes out at some point hopefully after birth.

As others have said- why do you want to bring this into your beautiful new child's life? How will you OH feel when MIL speaks about you in the way she does in front of your child?

One of my parents isn't allowed contact with my children for this reason- when they started talking to me in their usual way in front of my child, I just had a moment- no way was I going to allow this cycle of nonsense to continue.

It doesn't appear to me that your DH gets much (if anything) from maintaining contact with his mum, so I'd be tempted to cut ties tbh.

If what you have said is true then I wouldn't tell her until a couple of weeks after the baby is born, as she will only stress you out otherwise and you definitely don't need that! Congratulations!

She's going to badmouth you whatever you do. If you tell her now she'll try to insert herself into your lives and when you tell her to back off she will badmouth you. If you don't tell her until just before birth, she'll badmouth you for not telling her sooner. If you don't tell her until after the birth, she will cry that she's being 'kept from her grandchild' (which will only interest her as long as she can maintain bragging rights on SM) and badmouth you.

So she's going to be pretty foul whatever you do. So please yourselves and don't take her into account in any way whatsoever. I'm on Team Don'tTellAtAll, if that's any use.

I’m not NC with any of my family but I didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant until I was past 20 weeks all 4 times - even my mum!

The 12 week thing isn’t a rule or a guideline - you can share/not share whenever you want.

I don't understand why you would tell her at all.

When you're pregnant or have a new baby you don't need any additional stress. You already know that when MIL visits she will post photos and information, that you don't want shared, on social media. Why give her access to do that?

It doesn't matter if she tells people she's been cut off, you say she already made an 'accidental' fb status referring to you as narcissistic and psychotic....people will well understand why you've both chosen to distance yourselves and your baby from her. Aside from that, it doesn't matter what anyone else things.

It sounds trite but anyone who matters won't mind and those who mind don't matter.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and well done to you and your DH for putting some distance between you and the people who cause you pain already.

Is her name Justine? 👀 🤣

Your husband is already labelled ‘bad’ and his children by extension will be ‘bad’ or have to listen to stories about their‘awful’ father, so she doesn’t need to be informed at all.

If she is so awful and unrepentant, you don’t need her in your space when you have just given birth and in a fragile state. People who do not like you and your husband have no right to your space / child.

Your husband isn't a bad person for wanting to protect himself, you and your little one. I hope he knows that.

I think your pregnancy and upcoming birth should be a happy and stress-free time. You both need to agree what is best for you and stay united in that. The 2 then 3 of you are what matters.

I wouldn’t tell her at all OP. It sounds like she has not enriched your life at all or DH’s so why is she entitled to know? Being DH’s mother does not get her an automatic right to be involved in your child’s life. Do what is right for you and DH x

You haven’t considered the option that she won’t be interested which would bring with it other stresses linked to why you are LC and could be more damaging longer term.

of course they will find out at some point, but it’s entirely up to you when. Do beware that it may get back to them anyway in advance, but LC or NC it shouldn’t matter because that is the entire point of getting them out of your life.

to be honest if it’s that bad NC is probably something to consider because your boundaries are firmly set and expectations clearly managed.

I actually think you both can't win. No matter what you do there will be aggro in one form or another

So I'd do what will make the both of you happiest and healthiest. Which I think is the no info route.

Can you imagine if you told her and something happened with the pregnancy (sorry). She'd never stop bringing it up and you'd both never forgive her.

Tell her nothing until the baby is here and safe. It is not her business. I am also in the stately homes threads so can say with certainty it will make no difference when she finds out she will lie and twist things anyway. They always do.

Why tell her at all? You're NC for a reason. She treats you both badly. You gave her a chance at your wedding and she ruined it. Why invite her back into your life to behave as awfully to your child? Protect your child and yourselves and dont invite her back in. Why tell her about a child she won't meet? She won't change, block from your life and enjoy your baby.

We had the same issue with my difficult in laws.

For our first child, I was still wanting 'happy families' so we treated them the same as my parents and tried to be incredibly equal and 'fair'. They were a fucking nightmare.

Second child- We decided to tell them once we were home from hospital and all was well.

They still kicked off, lashed out, had their tantrum- but just one big one rather than constant drama and threats and theatrics for months.

They take every opportunity for drama and conflict so we just try to limit the opportunities. Telling them earlier would have given them a larger window and more opportunities for tantrums and nonsense.

Narcissists hate when something isn't focused on them- so they struggle with other people's milestones and babies being born.

Speaking from experience... Babies make people go a bit loopy and unreasonable.
She's already an unreasonable person.
She will cause you grief from the moment she hears about your news.
Tell her 2 weeks after- you won't ever get this time back with your baby.
I made this mistake with my first.