To be disappointed again in male colleagues?

[namechangejustincase39]

I don't have a lot of time to write this and I need to word it carefully because I get the feeling I'm going to sound like such a dick.

Also, I promise this isn't a stealth boast.

I am 39 and been working all of my adult life except for 5 years off for maternity. I have started to notice a trend with my male colleagues and even though I have aged I never fail to be disappointed.

I grew up very attractive, the reason I know this is that strangers would point it out from a very young age. My parents never told me this. So if anything I downplay how I look because I never saw it as something to be proud of or big headed about.

I have always had attention from men, I am not drop dead gorgeous by the way, just attractive in a very girl next door, approachable way. It's something I have gotten used to, but since I have aged and have 2 young kids, I am getting a lot less attention, which I'm absolutely fine with.

My issue is my engagement with male colleagues in the workplace. Over the years I have developed professional friendships with male co-workers, and I treat them the same way I would female colleagues. But my issue is that it is only a matter of time before they let slip that I'm beautiful or they find me attractive etc etc. This usually happens when they have had a drink or two after work. I laugh it off or ignore and move on, but then in work on the Monday they freeze me out because they are embarrassed I guess?

This has happened at every job I have worked at. I just recently went back to work after maternity, I really get on with lots of my colleagues which makes me so happy as I don't live in the UK so making expat friends finally has been such a relief. I don't go out socially very often but this happened with one male colleague at a Christmas drinks social and then again last night. Last night my supervisor who I think is great (and I know his wife etc), made several comments about how I am exceptionally attractive and beautiful. And I am just so so disappointed because now I have distance myself a little from a colleague I respected and enjoyed the company of.

I think my problem is that I am too approachable or something? I just feel really deflated because once again workplace dynamic will change.

So AIBU to be disappointed? Is it me? Has anyone else experienced this?

Maybe they are disappointed in you?

I have started to notice a trend with my male colleagues

but you say it’s always happened
so not a “trend”

It's just Beer Goggles OP.

I think you're going to get a hard time Op, but I occasionally get this with male co-workers. I just brush it off and carry on as normal, I don't distance myself, because networking in my World is crucial.

One guy went on a bit, so I took them as compliments each time as it were being delivered from a female friend 'awww you're so kind!' etc! You also don't need to be that attractive to get this from men who get close to you, so don't feel you've had a tougher time because you're beautiful. I mean that kindly, like don't feel hard done by. I've maybe not worded that well, but hopefully you understand the spirit it's meant!

OP - so many responses on here (as those above) will stem from jealousy.

YANBU to be disappointed, they are assholes for freezing you out.

Maybe focus on your friendships w female colleagues?

Can't relate

I hear you, OP.
It cools down a bit as you get older, but I’ve always just seen it as something that happens as a result of either looks or having an attractive personality.

I think men (as it has been men in my experience) get a bit of a crush on a women and when the opportunity arises, let them know, because they’re driven to see if the women finds them as attractive. They then get angry and embarrassed at themselves for letting it slip and freeze you out so they don’t have to think about what they have done. Kind of a cognitive dissonance.
I’ve had a number of similar situations where I’ve almost felt blamed for them fancying me, and because they’ve made it awkward (or think they have) I’ve lost a nice friend.

It's all very well saying you treat them no differently to female colleagues but men are socialised differently so I treat them differently. And look this is a tough one because it not our job to accommodate the stupid or inappropriate behaviour.

I work in the tech industry, I have had countless situations like these in the past but things have changed. At the time I would say something like "yeah that's not appropriate" but more recently as I'm more senior they just wouldn't dare.

Immediately though, I would act professionally like nothing has happened. Don't think on it too hard, this is on them, not you.

Many men value women's looks above all else, so they think they are bestowing you with the highest accolade possible, stupid things.
I think you're supposed to be charmed and reassured that you are sufficiently ornamental or something.

You lost me at stealth boast!

This doesn’t happen to me (not since early 20s anyway) but I have a male and a female friend it does happen to a LOT, and they both find it really sad and annoying. Especially in that they feel they stop being ordinarily friendly with people or accepting genuine friendships. YANBU. I agree with a PP who says take it like you would from a female or gay male friend and kind of laugh it off. That gives them a plausible “out” so hopefully they can wake up the next morning and realise they’ve been a stupid arse and never say anything again.

Alternatively though and since this is at work you perhaps should take the approach of being quite serious and pointing out that they’re making you uncomfortable and would rather stick to less personal matters.

It's never happened to me, but I worked with a few really lovely-looking women who were good friends of mine in a particular workplace for ten years and I felt exhausted on their behalf! Their nice, normal, friendly interactions were seen as invitations. Male colleagues - senior, married, dating other colleagues - were just relentless.

I had this quite a lot and I know exactly what you mean. Now at 53, it's quite rare!

I see what you mean- you think you’ve got a friendship and you like that, it makes you happy even. Then they say something and you realise it wasn’t the friendship you thought it was. That would be disappointing for anyone even people who have to instantly slap someone down if, in their opinion, that person thought too highly of themselves in some way…. If they gave it some thought before reacting.

It might not be because you’re too approachable or anything you do; it might not even be how you look. Some people just have something about them that is attractive. An old fashioned word for that is charisma. If you find that you are popular with secure women too then charisma is what you’ve.

Doesn’t stop the disappointment though

I get it. It's awkward and annoying and totally unnecessary. You're right to be disappointed.

I know you didn't ask for advice but in an ideal world I'd have a solution for you to make it stop. You have to be careful though don't you, as these people can have a real impact on you professionally.

I've honestly found that showing them their comments don't interest me helps a lot. I'm honestly not sure what reaction they are expecting or hoping for! But I just act as if they've said "your new sofa is lovely" - "thank you, you're very kind", and then sail into a new topic of conversation.

Honestly I think these men sometimes think we are going to be moved, touched and thrilled to know that they - THEY! - find us attractive. As if we are living off the scraps of male attention. Nope.

The only suggestion I have is to stop treating them the same as your female colleagues. They aren't treating you the same as their male colleagues, are they? Follow suit.

I'm sure you aren't inviting these sorts of remarks, or making this thread as a stealth boast. The sad fact is that many men categorise women into 'fuckable' and 'unfuckable' categories, and treats them accordingly. What might appear as friendly to an unsuspecting woman is a very different lense from a man's pov.

Yes, NAMALT yadda yadda. But lots of them. Too many.

I get it! I have a female manager for the first time and it's amazing. I can say what I think and I don't have to watch my interactions and body language anywhere near to the same extent. We can go for a beer and sort out problems without a risk of it seeming inappropriate. I suddenly understand why men find working so much easier because there's no awkward dancing around with management relations.

The worst one for me is networking. I often can't work out if a possible work opportunity exists or will evaporate in the morning. I tend to assume the latter and approach with great caution, so I probably miss out on loads.

I'm not so young, have never been conventionally pretty, but am open, approachable and geeky so am easy prey both for the charming womanisers (I'm naive and trusting) and the hopeless nerds who don't see me as scary (but tend to be much more vindictive when rebuffed).

I get it.

Recently I joined the public service a d the culture is fantastic. No more bs. That might work for you?

Develop a resting bitch face, in my experience, men don't like moody looking women however attractive

Maybe...🤷‍♀️

Fair point...when I said I treat them the same as female, I meant that I wasn't treating them differently in terms of flirting with them. I don't treat them exactly as female colleagues...I wouldn't message them in the same way socially or spend as much time with them outside of work.

When these things have happened (most recently anyway), it has been in group social settings, or in work settings where we have to work together as a team on something...so very professional settings.

This doesn't sound particularly bad to me.

I'm attractive (not stunning, just cute and hourglass figure). My last three male work friends have confessed that they have feelings for me when drunk. I just brush it off - stop speaking to them for a few weeks so they get the message - and go back to normal.

If I did this everytime someone said I was attractive I feel like that would be an overreaction - often people are just being nice. But if male colleagues start telling you they have feelings for you, or you suspect this, then you need to back off the friendship.

It can also not be anything about how attractive you are physically - but just that you're approachable. Men love approachable women. I think a remember a study that very attractive women actually get approached the least by men as they're intimidated by them.

Thank you @Lurkingandlearning ...
You have summed up my disappointment perfectly...

I’ve actually had the opposite although I have tended to work in mostly female dominated environments so the male co workers are perhaps better behaved. I’ve never had an inappropriate comment from a male coworker but have had female coworkers say things like “stop looking at her tits” when a male colleague speaks to me and commenting on my looks/body on a daily basis.
Nobody makes any inappropriate comments in my current workplace and it’s a really lovely environment.