To be disappointed again in male colleagues?

[namechangejustincase39]

I don't have a lot of time to write this and I need to word it carefully because I get the feeling I'm going to sound like such a dick.

Also, I promise this isn't a stealth boast.

I am 39 and been working all of my adult life except for 5 years off for maternity. I have started to notice a trend with my male colleagues and even though I have aged I never fail to be disappointed.

I grew up very attractive, the reason I know this is that strangers would point it out from a very young age. My parents never told me this. So if anything I downplay how I look because I never saw it as something to be proud of or big headed about.

I have always had attention from men, I am not drop dead gorgeous by the way, just attractive in a very girl next door, approachable way. It's something I have gotten used to, but since I have aged and have 2 young kids, I am getting a lot less attention, which I'm absolutely fine with.

My issue is my engagement with male colleagues in the workplace. Over the years I have developed professional friendships with male co-workers, and I treat them the same way I would female colleagues. But my issue is that it is only a matter of time before they let slip that I'm beautiful or they find me attractive etc etc. This usually happens when they have had a drink or two after work. I laugh it off or ignore and move on, but then in work on the Monday they freeze me out because they are embarrassed I guess?

This has happened at every job I have worked at. I just recently went back to work after maternity, I really get on with lots of my colleagues which makes me so happy as I don't live in the UK so making expat friends finally has been such a relief. I don't go out socially very often but this happened with one male colleague at a Christmas drinks social and then again last night. Last night my supervisor who I think is great (and I know his wife etc), made several comments about how I am exceptionally attractive and beautiful. And I am just so so disappointed because now I have distance myself a little from a colleague I respected and enjoyed the company of.

I think my problem is that I am too approachable or something? I just feel really deflated because once again workplace dynamic will change.

So AIBU to be disappointed? Is it me? Has anyone else experienced this?

Where do you live, OP?
Is it culturally unusual for a woman recently back from maternity leave, so I imagine has a regular partner they know about ,to go out for drinks with single male colleagues?

I think that's unusual in UK. I could be wrong, though! How does your partner feel about it.

Keep interacting with them in a professional way.

If they cross the line with "compliments" then I suggest an eyeroll and "eurgh Brian I hope you're not going to turn into one of those guys. Don't go all weird."

Yes I'm seeing this at work. I know Im not going to get attention at work ( thank fuck) but my female colleague who is very petite and pretty has quite a few men sniffing round her. I like that old fashioned phrase as it is literally that

She hates it, especially when it gets physical (stroking her back, half cuddling) and leaving flowers etc

It's all very well saying you treat them no differently to female colleagues but men are socialised differently so I treat them differently. And look this is a tough one because it not our job to accommodate the stupid or inappropriate behaviour.

yes, learned this at a young age. I wouldn’t let down my guard or be anything other than highly professional as unfortunately some men interpret being normal friendly as you maybe liking them. I also think generally you can tell if someone “likes” you so at any hint I would back completely off.

@Bigcoatweather

Yes, I feel that this explains it better than what I posted. The freezing out is because of this cognitive dissonance...I just get so frustrated that I can't seem to have the work friendships that I see other colleagues having. I like to be social and I like when I work with people I respect and can academically engage with. Then when I get to that point they say something stupid and freeze me out, or I feel I have to distance myself. It's frustrating ...

I would immediately say that's not appropriate but I just don't want to make these working relationships any more awkward. Also, why do I have to put myself in the position of having to point this out to someone and making life a little harder for myself, when it is their behaviour that is the problem? If that makes sense.

Thank you for the solutions being offered...I will consider them all and how to apply them to my situation...

I am just frustrated and disappointed. At least as I continue to get older this will hopefully change?

Men love approachable women. I think a remember a study that very attractive women actually get approached the least by men as they're intimidated by them.

my friends who get hit on the most are the approachable, confident ones not the “prettiest” ones.

I'm striking rather than traditionally beautiful but can relate a bit. For me, it's more likely once they get to know me as I'm definitely not approachable! I've had a few of DHs friends become too interested. Not good.

The worst part for me is the staring. Men stare. All the time. I'm pushing 50 now and whilst it's not as bad as it was in my 20s and 30s, it's still a pain. Especially so for me as I have quite bad anxiety and some OCD so I can get paranoid about the motivation for the staring - even though I know it's because I'm "striking", I start to worry when it's prolonged.

I don’t understand the unsupportive posters here.

OP, you’re probably not some mysteriously remarkable beauty. It’s not you. It’s just men. I don’t mean that in a horrible way, but what you’re describing can be considered sexual discrimination in the workplace - men trying it on with women and feeling put out when rejected. This can happen to anyone regardless of perceived attractiveness. The context about your parents etc isn’t relevant. Plus, not all men ask out all the attractive women they work with, there’s some women that they keep a professional distance with. I wonder why they compartmentalise those women differently as off-limits?

I have male colleagues that seem supportive in group settings, but tend to have an underlying desire to get a bit personal like this when 1-1. Once I was asked on a date by a peer and treated differently after declining by him and a significant amount of the office. However it was not blatant enough for me to put a complaint.

After that experience and being
promoted away from that, what works for me to stop that from happening with new colleagues is coming across as generic/boring/as unremarkable as possible to them. I don’t tell them anything about my life outside of work, I don’t put my camera on if we’re on a 1-1 call, I don’t have them on social media. I keep a professional distance. I’m not necessarily the same with female colleagues. It’s almost like I’m stopping any “bond” from occurring with them.

Men are visual, they cannot help it. And with the help of a couple if beers will make comments. It is how they are programmed. Added to the fact when you work with someone you spend a lot of time with them so boundaries can get blurred, especially if you do get on with them.

I would not be disappointed, I would just smile, wave and let it go whilst making sure the boundaries stay in place. Incidentally I have heard women saying similar things to male colleagues.

@lljkk

I live in a European country but all my work colleagues are expats - so American, Kiwi, British etc etc.

Also, none of the ones who have commented recently are single. I don't go out for drinks with single men regularly.

My kids are 3&5...I went in one night out after work before Xmas because I missed the Christmas party because my husband was away and I had no childcare. I then went out for a few drinks last night as a one off. Other than that I have had one night out with a group of my female colleagues since the summer.

In the past in the uk, I have had remarks like these from male colleagues at work...and you could say that these comments are just general compliments but they way they are given let's me know how they view me. But they way they repeat these comments, it's like they need me to know that they find me attractive. It's hard to explain...and it has happened frequently enough that I know I'm not reading into things too much or imagining things in my head.

Also, to the OP "I just get so frustrated that I can't seem to have the work friendships that I see other colleagues having" this behaviour from men is sadly really normal.

I think most women can't have close friendships with men - and in a work context you're not going to hear from all the other women that same man has hit on, but be assured other women aren't having better work relationships with men. I don't know any of my female friends who haven't had to put distance between themselves and male colleagues

I am always fascinated to read threads started by attractive women (genuinely), just sounds as a different planet. I am OP's age, and I was told I am attractive (not even beautiful, just - "haaas anyone ever told you that youre quite attractive") by a man exactly once in my life (and he was drunk almost to the vomit point at that time). Can't even imagine it happening in a corporate environment.

Honestly, OP, in the nicest possible way, the way you’ve structured your original post, it sounds as if you think of yourself mainly in terms of your perceived physical attractiveness and other people’s responses to it, whether they have been positive or negative, and the attention you’ve got because of it, that lessening with age etc.

That’s quite depressing in that it makes you sound as if you think this is your main attribute in that it has affected your whole life, but I wonder if it has also had an impact on how you relate to other people, in that you sound very self-conscious about your looks and their effect?

For comparison, I’m reasonably attractive, married, older than you, and have had the occasional male friend or colleague make a pass, but I don’t regard it as a big deal and just close it down — I don’t regard it as some inevitably disappointing pattern, and I have good, longterm male friends.

You say you're in the tech industry so maybe there are significantly more men than women and techy men are nerdy.

Let it be known that you're a lesbian, albeit with hubby and sprog. This will reach into their drink addled (hairy) brain and is a traditional method of dealing with the situation. Have a laugh with female colleagues znd pretdnd it never happened.

I can guarantee once you get older it'll stop. Looks fade.

@Medusaismyhero

Yes!! The staring! It is so uncomfortable. I was at a house viewing recently and every time I looked up the estate agent was staring at me. My husband noticed it too. I just wanted to shrink.

To all the posters saying that I'm probably not drop dead beautiful...you are absolutely right! I'm not. But I guess there is something there, or something about me that interests them? I just don't want to be punished in the workplace for being approachable.

I don't have close male friends outside of work because I learned early on that it was impossible. Every time I tried to have a male friend it was only a matter of time before they admitted feelings or tried it on, and often would get angry when I said I just wanted a friend. Then the friendship was ruined. It's so frustrating when you meet someone you think is a friend, you use them as a confidant and put time and energy in, you support them etc...and then they ruin it all by crossing that line. It happened too often that I limit my close friendships to women (no hardship as I love the company of women and I gravitate to women more naturally as friends).

But I resent having to do this with work colleagues that I want to be friendly with? I don't want to be their best friend, but apparently even having small chats in a social setting cannot even happen without them overstepping and then freezing me out.

@HarpyRampant

I definitely don't view myself and my looks in the way you describe. I focused on that in my OP because that is what these men are commenting on.

If you knew me you would see that I try to look my best sometimes, and look presentable, but I am definitely not focused on my looks. I know when I was internet dating men regularly said that I was much more attractive than my pictures because I guess I have a personality that puts people at ease when they are with me. So it's not just looks, that's just what the men in my life always seem to comment on.

@HarpyRampant

Also, it isn't an occasional male I work with...it is nearly every male that I get slightly close to. I don't do it very often and it seems any time I let my guard down a little this happens.

I just recently went back to work after maternity... My kids are 3&5...

Maternity leave is up to 3 years long where you live?

Oh well, unless YOU tell them that they are annoying the Fig out of you, what do you expect to happen?

You need to be less approachable and agreeable if you want this to stop... But be warned you'll get the other end. You'll be accused of being strident, domineering etc. Or you'll be told you should lighten up ..I was attractive (to some) as a 20 something but I have off massive fuck off vibes, I knew my own mind and was a confident communicator. I didn't get the obsequious trying their luck types. I would sometimes get (usually when very drunk or firmly established as friends) 'you know you'd be so much more attractive/sexy if you weren't always trying to get your opinion across'. I would always reply that I didn't want/need to be seen as attractive to them as I wasn't remotely attracted to them. I was pretty brutal tbh. More I've mellowed (and at 50 no one hits on you anyway). But I am still not responsible for someone else's fragile ego. I've had to work harder and smarter to get to my level than the majority of average men, so they can do won quite frankly.

Nearly every male around you is hitting on you at almost 40? Even 20 year olds?

@lljkk

Most women stay home here until they child is 3 or 4. The governments says that your employment has to hold your job for you for up to 4 years.

I went back to work when my youngest was 2 and a half and that was viewed as early. My husband wanted me to stay home but I was desperate to go back to work.

My work colleagues are ex pats though so are used to women going back to work when their children are much smaller.

I think you have written well in explaining your situation. I am sensitive to people who blow their own trumpet and don't think you are doing that at all 🙂.

I would reiterate what someone upthread said and make sure you do in fact treat men differently to women colleagues as they are different. And as you have found - they react differently to you.

I don't know why other posters are being shitty to you - I can well imagine how wearing it must be to be disappointed once again that someone you thought was a friendly colleague turns out to have been thinking about you in a sexual way.

Sorry if you have answered this but are these colleagues at the same rank as you? Whether they are or not, I think sadly you will have to try to acquire an air of "don't even think about it mate" 😁whilst still being friendly. You just can't be as warm as you may have wanted to be.

😂😂😂

Two things leap out at me.
first obviously the way you look is useful to getting stuff done at work. So use that.
secondly 90% of men will take basic niceness as an invitation, you just have to assume that and so you can’t just be friends with most of them. Who cares ?
Practically just use it to get stuff done, talk about your husband a lot and don’t try to be be social.
It seems to ge causing you angst when it doesn’t need to.
being attractive is useful. Just see it as another skill, charming someone enough so they help you but not so much they think they are in there with you.

The flip side of course is that men do find it so much easier at work than women as they don’t have this issue. But that is a sociocultural problem. You can’t change that.