To be disappointed again in male colleagues?

[namechangejustincase39]

I don't have a lot of time to write this and I need to word it carefully because I get the feeling I'm going to sound like such a dick.

Also, I promise this isn't a stealth boast.

I am 39 and been working all of my adult life except for 5 years off for maternity. I have started to notice a trend with my male colleagues and even though I have aged I never fail to be disappointed.

I grew up very attractive, the reason I know this is that strangers would point it out from a very young age. My parents never told me this. So if anything I downplay how I look because I never saw it as something to be proud of or big headed about.

I have always had attention from men, I am not drop dead gorgeous by the way, just attractive in a very girl next door, approachable way. It's something I have gotten used to, but since I have aged and have 2 young kids, I am getting a lot less attention, which I'm absolutely fine with.

My issue is my engagement with male colleagues in the workplace. Over the years I have developed professional friendships with male co-workers, and I treat them the same way I would female colleagues. But my issue is that it is only a matter of time before they let slip that I'm beautiful or they find me attractive etc etc. This usually happens when they have had a drink or two after work. I laugh it off or ignore and move on, but then in work on the Monday they freeze me out because they are embarrassed I guess?

This has happened at every job I have worked at. I just recently went back to work after maternity, I really get on with lots of my colleagues which makes me so happy as I don't live in the UK so making expat friends finally has been such a relief. I don't go out socially very often but this happened with one male colleague at a Christmas drinks social and then again last night. Last night my supervisor who I think is great (and I know his wife etc), made several comments about how I am exceptionally attractive and beautiful. And I am just so so disappointed because now I have distance myself a little from a colleague I respected and enjoyed the company of.

I think my problem is that I am too approachable or something? I just feel really deflated because once again workplace dynamic will change.

So AIBU to be disappointed? Is it me? Has anyone else experienced this?

You’re misunderstanding me. I don’t mean you’re vain, or put a lot of effort into your self-presentation, I mean that you’re self-conscious about your looks because your perception from childhood is that this is the main thing that people respond to about you.

What I’m wondering is the extent to which this affects your behaviour around other people, and whether your perception that literally all men hit on you alters the way you are around them. You mention you are approachable and put people at ease.

By contrast, despite being reasonably good-looking myself, I am regularly described as ‘intimidating’ — which perhaps explains why I don’t get hit on all the time, and have good, longterm male friends (who, if they’re waiting to make a pass, have been waiting 20 years and more in some cases…)

Men are visual, they cannot help it. And with the help of a couple if beers will make comments. It is how they are programmed

What is it with these sorts of posts recently?

Yep back in my younger days if I was bubbly in make company I was a flirt , tease , manipulator . Now I'm ok and fat I'm bubbly , easy to get on with .

OP, ignore the jealous haters. So many on mumsnet. Yet many good posts on this thread too.

I have had the same problem over the years.

What works is being less friendly and approachable- still be civil and professional - but create a distance. And ignore the stares and comments. Sadly, many men will always be inappropriate.

This. I am not really attractive but worked in a male dominated industry for many years. Without fail some drunken colleague would come up to me and say,'You know I've always fancied you' and make a pass. It became a standing joke between my partner and I with him asking 'And who was it tonight' when I came in 😂

Tell them to fuck off

It's just Beer Goggles OP.

what a horrible post.

Men think with their dicks I don’t know why you’re surprised

Not so much at work but I've had the experience a few times where I'm suddenly much more popular with male friends after a relationship break-up and then those friendships cool just as rapidly once I start seeing someone else.

You need to keep men at work at arms length. You can’t get too friendly. Women and gay men yes ofc be however you like. Straight men - absolutely not. You can be polite and reasonably friendly but you cannot cross a boundary without them thinking you’re interested.

It’s so sad but it’s true. Reel it in with your straight male colleagues.

It's all very well saying you treat them no differently to female colleagues but men are socialised differently so I treat them differently.

Wow, this hits the nail so resoundingly on the head.

I've been trying to put my finger on it for years with a friend who has the same issue - she's reasonably attractive (and at work it's often a case of not necessarily being stunning to be considered the most beautiful woman in the room - men can tend to work downwards from the most attractive, in some cases).

This nails it - because when I am friends to men, I act in a more blokey-friendly way. Just a natural little shift in persona, like when you go from talking to a friend to your parents. Whereas she doesn't shift, and things that aren't a signal to women are a signal to some/many men.

Wonder why it cools down for some? It's ramped up for me, maybe a confidence thing

That made me laugh 😄. Could well be true though (not denying how attractive you are OP).

Does it have to be a big deal? Can't you just lightly say "thanks" then go back to being professional at work?

It absolutely could be beer goggles!! 😄 that doesn't explain why it happens when they are sober though...

But some of the time I'm sure beer goggles are involved

@Wishimaywishimight

I do ignore it, I don't make a big deal. I brush it off or change the subject or pretend I didn't hear.

But when they then freeze me out it does impact me. Professionally and psychologically. I am in the position where they ignore me or avoid me or are cold to me when I have done nothing. It sucks...

As a male manager, I can confidently say I’m not ‘wired’ to make inappropriate comments to my female colleagues.

Any man who can’t control themselves in the workplace certainly doesn’t speak for us all.

Shit isn't it with this type of men. Their treatment of you depends how attractive they find you, if you reject them, and imagine how they'll be when you get much older. These types of men are scum.

@Deathbyfluffy

Good for you . A lot of this shit starts with management. Fish rots from the head down etc . People tend to do what they think they can get away with in the workplace.

This! I was quite pretty in my 20s and 30s but also known for being a bit aloof and a fuck you feminist. Had very few unwelcome advances from colleagues, which I know was also a matter of luck as some gents would just see that as a challenge :(

Me too lol

I am old fat and ugly and quite frankly I’d rather be that than beautiful because I’m fucking awesome at my job and being old fat and ugly means I don’t have to worry about anyone thinking I slept my way into it or thinking I’m game for any office slap and tickle I can just be me do my work and get my shit done as pp said a resting bitch face that looks like a slapped arse also helps

It's all very well saying you treat them no differently to female colleagues but men are socialised differently so I treat them differently.

This really. I learned early on to not socialise with make colleagues at all to avoid this sort of thing. Most of the time it is the booze making them brave but obviously when they are embarrassed the next day they will twist it in their heads to make it your fault. I hate to say it but I think you should avoid situations where you may be left alone with male colleagues and stick with the female ones. In a previous role we even used to do the cliched going to the loo at the same time to avoid this type of thing. You just need to remember that they aren’t actually your friends, they are colleagues and many men find it far to easy to blur the lines, married or not. It’s not right but if you want to avoid this situation it’s the easiest way.

I don’t mean this in a horrible way: attractive women are everywhere but not all men automatically act like this. There might be something about you that is almost “too approachable” if male colleagues continually cross a line? Could it also be the workplace having an unprofessional culture?

Ultimately there isn’t much to being attracted to someone - you find them pleasing to look at and to spend time with. Boom- attraction. The bar isn’t that high.

Not all men take the next step to try it on with an attractive colleague though. There are definitely some women that they put on a pedestal as being attractive, but they wouldn’t “go there” and can co exist without funny business. It’s usually when the power dynamic isn’t completely in the man’s favour from what I’ve observed/experienced. Maybe that think she’s more valuable to them as mates eg women of high social standing or skill or seniority or can offer them some benefit to career/popularity/finances.

For me, at work it is important that I am respected rather than liked. So if that means I’m not mates with the guys at work, or if I’m not invited out, that’s okay. Maybe you may benefit from distancing yourself from the social side more, and being a corporate grey rock

Assuming you're single, and we're talking single men, and not the married arseholes...

I think this is one of those times when society needs to change, but at the moment, it's still not been universally agreed what it should change to. Basically what we're talking about is how to tell a colleague you're interested.

And it's a Catch-22 situation. If you don't say anything because you're professional, you might never know. It might be two people lovingly gazing onto each other's eyes from across the room, but each wondering whether they're misreading the signals. If either says something, professional relationship ruined!-either inside or outside of work.

I'm actually curious now (I'm married, so moot point), how should this be done? What is today's acceptable way of handling this?

I realise OP was wording this from an 'is it just me, how do I handle the awkward situation' point of view, so this is more the flip-side of the argument...

I find this in general life and spent a long time in my 20’s and early 30’s wondering if it was me that was the problem. Was what I thought was being friendly and no different to how I treat a female, actually being misconstrued as being flirty? It actually led me towards working in an almost entirely female work environment. Then I realised that around 90% of men are predictably disappointing and don’t blame myself anymore.