To be disappointed again in male colleagues?

[namechangejustincase39]

I don't have a lot of time to write this and I need to word it carefully because I get the feeling I'm going to sound like such a dick.

Also, I promise this isn't a stealth boast.

I am 39 and been working all of my adult life except for 5 years off for maternity. I have started to notice a trend with my male colleagues and even though I have aged I never fail to be disappointed.

I grew up very attractive, the reason I know this is that strangers would point it out from a very young age. My parents never told me this. So if anything I downplay how I look because I never saw it as something to be proud of or big headed about.

I have always had attention from men, I am not drop dead gorgeous by the way, just attractive in a very girl next door, approachable way. It's something I have gotten used to, but since I have aged and have 2 young kids, I am getting a lot less attention, which I'm absolutely fine with.

My issue is my engagement with male colleagues in the workplace. Over the years I have developed professional friendships with male co-workers, and I treat them the same way I would female colleagues. But my issue is that it is only a matter of time before they let slip that I'm beautiful or they find me attractive etc etc. This usually happens when they have had a drink or two after work. I laugh it off or ignore and move on, but then in work on the Monday they freeze me out because they are embarrassed I guess?

This has happened at every job I have worked at. I just recently went back to work after maternity, I really get on with lots of my colleagues which makes me so happy as I don't live in the UK so making expat friends finally has been such a relief. I don't go out socially very often but this happened with one male colleague at a Christmas drinks social and then again last night. Last night my supervisor who I think is great (and I know his wife etc), made several comments about how I am exceptionally attractive and beautiful. And I am just so so disappointed because now I have distance myself a little from a colleague I respected and enjoyed the company of.

I think my problem is that I am too approachable or something? I just feel really deflated because once again workplace dynamic will change.

So AIBU to be disappointed? Is it me? Has anyone else experienced this?

And how are they meant to arrange this time together outside of work? Presumably one of them will have to speak to the other suggesting it? Maybe, say, at the pub after work, so when they are not actually in the office?

Yep. I’m pushing 50 and this still happens. At work and from some of DHs so called friends (including at a funeral we were at recently - nice 🤬) There is literally nothing special about me so I’ve reached the conclusion that some of these sad bastards are just desperate and will chance their arm with anyone. I would no more tell a work colleague or the husband of a friend that he was “gorgeous and I can’t stop thinking about you” or that “ I wish I wasn’t married” than I would do a naked streak through the supermarket. It’s not flattering. It’s revolting. The men I get on with best and admire the most are very respectful and loving to their wives. The rest I ignore. At work they don’t get to freeze me out, I just march in and carry on. The problem is theirs, not mine. If they persist in being frosty, a raised eyebrow and “is there something we need to talk about ?” works wonders. Suggest you do the same op, because at 39 you’ve got a least another decade of this shite.

Stop being so friendly

I also work in a very male dominated environment and this has happened a lot, but have always brushed it off and we’ve all be gone the next day - agree with a previous poster that beer goggles plays a big part!

Have found it happens a lot less now I am in a senior position and the men are now married with a family.

@namechangejustincase39

i can relate. While it’s on them if you want to change it it’s worth considering

culture of the place you work. I don’t get this so much in my current job which I’ve been in for several years but as an organisation it’s very hot on respectful behaviour and inclusivity, and I work in a bit of this that leads on that sort of stuff so it’s unlikely to happen. I get the staring and the double takes though they don’t say anything.

sounds like you don’t work somewhere where they are clearly signalling why this is wrong.

so if you want less of you may need to consider doing things differently

even in the safer environment I have I never socialise outside of work except at events I have a professional reason to go to (so I wouldn’t go for a drink as I missed the Xmas party)

im senior and can be scary so they don’t dare

increasingly I do talk about bad experiences I’ve had with men in a working environment so they know I call it what it is and don’t like it. Or I tell them about experiences of women I mentor and state that it’s out of order

i make sure I mention my husband and family in social work chat and never say anything negative about DH to men I work with (even if we’ve had a massive row and I’m seething, too much of a risk they take that as an invite)

overall - I constantly signal my boundaries and avoid any situation that could be interpreted by them as an invitation

So to add a bit more context...I don't work on a male dominated environment. I'm a teacher.

I don't over react to every compliment I get, and I don't read into everything either.

I think the reason I am disappointed is that I returned to work last year after 5 years maternity. It was a new job so everyone I was working with was new. Everyone is very aware of how married I am, my two children go to the school nursery/reception, and my husband and I regularly attend school functions together as a family. It is a really community minded/family school.

The guy who made the comments last night is a solid family guy, Christian, hard working and all about his wife and kids. Last night was the second time in over a year of working there that I have gone out for drinks with a group of colleagues who are both male and female. They go out for drinks after work approx every 2 weeks and I never join in due to child care etc. I guy in question is my line manager and although we aren't close, he has been very supportive in a professional way. He repeatedly made comments last night, and I know for a fact that if anyone else had heard they would have found it weird, and his lovely wife definitely would.

I thought that coming back to work as a mother and married, that this just wouldn't be an issue anymore. I realised at Xmas when the other colleague overstepped then froze me out that maybe I was naive....and now that it happened again with a colleague that I really trusted I'm just so disappointed that I have to put my guard up again.

If this was a me off I wouldn't care, I wouldn't be writing about it here. But it has been happening all my adult life and I think that it's ok to be disappointed?

Also, I don't want to give up my new social life with my colleagues as I am an expat and I have really struggled for adult company over the last 5 years due to a language barrier. I now thought I had my chance to be social...my kids are getting older and maybe I can enjoy more work socials after being at home as a SAHM for 5 hard years...

But it has been happening all my adult life and I think that it's ok to be disappointed?Also, I don't want to give up my new social life with my colleagues

this is where your problem lies

you need to invest time in making friends outside of work, so that you’re not so reliant on work for a social life. As you’re lonely, you’ve ended up on the receiving end of overstepping comments as you’re investing time in the wrong people. You also may not pick up on their slightly inappropriate attention because you have no other friends to hang out with so are wanting to make this friendship group stick?

There’s no chance I’m spending any more time with men from work than I need to because I’ve had enough odd experiences before, for me not to want to go there again.

A lot of men think any woman who is friendly to them must fancy them.

Not quite, but research does say more men fancy their female friends than vice versa, and men over estimate if their female friends fancy them :

http://bleske-rechek.com/April%20Website%20Files/Bleske-Rechek%20et%20al.%202012%20Benefit%20or%20Burden.pdf

You haven't set foot in the workplace for 5 years but know your boss's wife well?

I'm confused, how did they leave the job open for 4 years if you hadn't set food in the place for > 5 years?

Anyway, one sleazy boss is not all of male humanity.

Thing is OP, I think a big part of this is driven by ex pat life.

ex pat life is narrow and weird and everyone is outside their normal
communities and social expectations.

perpetual ‘what happens in vegas / carbo / Marbella’ vibe

also a bit cut off from the way U.K. work culture is evolving on these issues.

some people chose the ex pat life as they WANT to escape that kind of progress.

and a small group with not many to choose from so it’s much harder to call out or avoid bad behaviour- and people know that and push the boundaries

Its gross, have experienced similar and it is really disappointing because there have also been a few offers to have affairs. I think a lot of guys will try it on if they get a chance.

I've had this more times than I count, usually by attached colleagues.

I'm fat, and in my opinion, not really attractive (though others don't agree - in my opinion, this is just out of politeness). Though in fairness, men seem to find something attractive about me, I just doubt it's my exterior.

It's not a sign of your physical beauty giving you a hard time. It's being a woman. It could be they think you're easy so, they give it a go, it could be that you're affable, or they could think you like them. And yes, treating men the same as you would women, will definitely, sadly, encourage it. I speak from experience.

I've also had a very pretty colleague get the same treatment, although being honest, men seem less like to do it to her, despite the fact she's physically more attractive than me. It could be the more pretty you are, the more intimidated men are to try it. Or it could be men find other things attractive.

It's just life, op. Yeah, it's annoying.

YANBU. Ime men always eventually fall. I used to think I had many many male friends, colleagues etc. one by one they all eventually make a comment or a pass, get drunk and say something foul, grope or get suggestive. I long to get old enough that they don't see me "that way". Getting fat hasn't changed it. I'm not the openly admired beauty, nor the openly reviled bitch. I'm the friend, the mate, funny and one of the "lads". But I'm not. I'm still a woman and that eventually outs on their side sadly.

Exactly what Fern said

The expat lifestyle is significant here- norms are changed and people do behave differently. Seen it many times.

OP, you are disappointed because you had unrealistic expectations. Don't expect to be friends with men.

It is rare for a woman to be friends with a man without sooner or later them testing out whether you might want to take the friendship further.

It is a real problem.
In today's world often the only alternative to online dating is trying to meet someone at work, because you may have very few other opportunities to meet someone. If you don't have a big circle of friends who go out to public places regularly, what are your opportunities? (Hobby clubs and evening classes are the only thing I can think of).

At work I would suggest:

Don't 'send signals' to a work colleague unless you have been in the job two years, so that if you have to leave it won't look bad on your CV. Also, you should be waiting two years to make sure you really do like this person - don't rush into trying to make a relationship with a colleague.

If you don't want an actual relationship, and just want sex, use OLD instead.

If your signals are rejected, don't freeze out the person, try your best to carry on as before and pretend it never happened.

If you can't carry on as before, the onus is on you to leave the job, asap.

Never, ever try sending signals to more than one person in any job. You will get a terrible reputation. If the attempt with the first person fails, you have to move jobs before looking for someone else.

And obviously, if you are not free and single, don't be an utter creep - don't 'send signals' to anyone!

What are the chances of the male half of the population actually agreeing to and following these guidelines? 😁

Depends on the size of the woman's husband or boyfriend. I noticed this years ago the more macho the woman's husband or boyfriend the more she was left alone . A lot of these man are cowards underneath .

I get it, as I work in a very male-dominated environment. What worked for me is to stop drinking after work, and frankly, since Covid a, a lot of people have stopped doing them.
But in general, nothing really helps - if they like you, they will let you know one way or another. I am a sort of a person that can talk to anyone,and I will not change it and maybe that’s what gives them the wrong idea. The worst part for me is that they open up to you and overshare, then feel embarrassed so ignore you.

Whilst I can understand that may be a factor in some cases, certainly in mine, the female colleague was single.

@Toenailz

No man to protect her .