To think I will carry this guilt forever

[acloudofsadness]

My FIL is going to die. It's been such a shock. we can't go and be with him for various reasons.

We are just waiting for the call.

In his final few months of his life he didn't see us or our children due to his mental health my DH decided he couldn't be around him. He was a lovely but difficult man. He had severe MH issues and it impacted our lives so much. We put up with a lot over the years.

I should have done more to make amends between my FIL and DH. I just respected DHs wishes and had no contact. I regret it so so much. I probably could have done more to get them to speak and make things better.

I have feelings that I don't deserve to be alive. I don't deserve to have my beautiful babies because I kept them from their kind grandad (what right did we have to do that). I feel worthless. I must be an evil person. I have thought that I might like to die too but I don't want to leave my children without a mother. I can't look at my babies without feeling an overwhelming wave of guilt.

Please someone tell me it gets easier because the guilt is like NOTHING I've ever experienced.

That's something you need to talk to your GP about.

Your DH has lost his father twice already, once when he had to go no contact and once now. He needs things to be about him, not you unintentionally criticising him and making it about your feelings. A GP visit could help prevent that.

@NeverDropYourMooncup you're absolutely right and I think that's making it so much harder. Obviously I can't say a word of this to him. He won't talk to me anyway, he's barely sad a word for a week. He's carrying on as if nothing is happening.

I just feel broken.

What could a GP do?

During highly emotive times, guilt is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere.

When the emotions calm, you’ll realise that you did the thing. We cannot control change the past, but we can change our view of it, and that puts you back in control of these feelings.

it sounds to me as if you did exactly the right thing in the circumstances, protecting the children so that their memories of their grandfather will be happy memories.

Don’t be hard on yourself, it isn’t easy, but time will help you look back without the immediate high emotions.

The hardest bit is I'm not enjoying my babies because I cry when I look at them thinking they deserve a kinder, better mum. One who would not have allowed this situation to happen. If we had made amends, my FIL may not have been where he was when the accident happened. I just don't know how to live with this.

You supported your DH to protect him and your children from a severe illness. All could have been harmed at the least emotionally had you undermined your DH.

The GP can assess you for depression and potentially refer or signpost for bereavement counselling.

Remember, though, this isn't about you. It's about your DH who had to make a difficult choice for the best and nothing can change what's happened.

You don’t have control over your fil’s actions. Who’s to say you actually could have changed the course of anything? It doesn’t sound like you or your dh had unconsidered thoughts at the time.

His imminent passing doesn’t change who he is or the situations you found yourself in at the time which were tackled with what you had and knew at the time.

It’s very sad but you’re taking responsibility for someone else’s consequence when in reality you never had that power.

Oh love, you’re in turmoil due to immediacy of the situation.

Help and support is available try:
https://www.cruse.org.uk/get-support/helpline/

https://www.thegoodgrieftrust.org/

The tears just won't stop falling and I'm failing to be an adequate mother right now. I just feel like my life is falling apart.

I have no time to go to the GP without my children (all under 4) or make a call to a bereavement line (I have a 3 month old baby). I need to try and just cope. But I am scared by my almost suicidal thoughts.

This sounds like it could be PND so it's vital you talk to your GP today. Your feelings about your role in your DH's relationship with his father are irrational. You say yourself he was a very difficult man. You are centring yourself in a relationship that wasn't yours to control.

This is quite a strange response and I am not saying this to be unkind.

I just want you to more realise that most people wouldn't feel guilt in this situation because you have done absolutely nothing wrong.

I was NC with my father and he died.
I was NC for good reasons and wanted to keep me and my family emotionally safe (which it sounds like your DH wanted too).

I MASSIVELY resented the people who interfered and guilted me and put pressure on me to get in contact with him. I had made the right decision for me and it's not up to anyone else to "fix things" or interfere or repair anything.

You don't have any responsibility in this situation because to be quite honest, it isn't really your business...

Take a deep breath and relax. It sounds like you really care which is lovely but I would focus now on supporting your DH in what HE wants, not what you THINK is best.
You also need to focus on YOU and what you need right now because it sounds like this situation is just bringing other issues to the surface and you need some support too💗

It sounds as if you’re the one who is in need of help.

Why take this on? You respected your DH’s wishes, and you were right. You would have been being coercive if you’d forced him into contact.

My dad died a few days ago, who had been very ill with MH issues, too ill/dangerous to visit at the end, I couldn't say goodbye. I was NC from him by choice for a long time before he died, to protect myself and so I could get on with raising my kids and being a good parent to them, self preservation. The death of your FIL is not yours to suffer like this, you are making a difficult time harder by making it all about yourself and your own feelings about what a parental and wider family relationships 'should' be like. Its not to do with you, or your feelings. If you are suicidal, then see a GP, get some help but you are over reacting in a way that doesn't support your husband and kids. If my husband was behaving like this over the death of a man who isn't his own dad I would leave him, its not about you. Dont judge his behaviour now at the end of his dad's life.
You didn't grow up in that family, he isn't your dad, its not your business to be prostrate with grief like this when he is even still alive. You shouldn't have done more to facilitate contact if your husband chose not to see him to protect himself. How do you think he is feeling now, at the end of his dad's life, facing the loss of the parent and family life he had and wishes he had, all the complex awful feelings? You are more concerned about yourself and you imaginary role as peacemaker and reuniter of estranged family members, it is a fantasy and unkind. Support your husband and catch a hold of the focus on yourself here.

As PPs say, seek help. You are unwell when your husband needs you.

Secondly- this is not on you. It’s your husband and FiL who had power in this situation, not you. They did the best they could at the time.

Sometimes things are shit even though everyone does their best. Lashing out doesn’t help. Let it go.

Do you have a health visitor? I would phone them today. Or a phone appointment with the doctor? You getting well is what's best for your babies.

@Treetertop I really needed to read that and you're right thank you.

I have called the GP.

I honestly just can't breathe for grief right now. Trying to hold it together whilst looking after little ones feels so hard.

@acloudofsadness if you can’t make a call or GP visit without your children then they’ll have to go with you. Being in this state around them is as damaging than witnessing you speak to someone for help.

I think you’ll be reading some of these replies as attacking or unsupportive, please let me reassure you they’re not. Your perspective and reaction are disproportionate and you need to recognise that as the first step in regaining some control.

@Cornettoninja I actually think I need a bit of tough love to be honest.

these thoughts are something you need to talk to your husband and possibly your Gp about they are quite extreme. it wasn"t your responsibility to do facilitate anything between your husbands father and your family.

I think I just needed someone to tell me this isn't my fault.

I haven't been able to speak to anyone in real life about it as I'm far away from my family and my DH family are all devastated.

This is not your fault .

@acloudofsadness Good, firmly, not gently you completely need to get a grip. I am 'dying' of grief and regret and all the usual things that surface with grief, but I've got to work, look after my kids and cope. I want to hold his hands and say all the things I cannot say but its over. He's not your dad, step back from any big feelings or ideas about how it should have been, its not real. Stay busy, look after your family.

I don't believe your feelings are about your FIL at all- I think there is something else, a much deeper trauma that is coming out here and this has been the trigger for it.

Your feelings are not proportional or "normal" (hate that word) for what is happening here. I think you really need to talk to someone about this as this is a red flag from your mind that something needs addressing. Try to see this reaction of guilt not as a "punishment" but as a kind warning from your mind that there are things you need to address from your past and this has brought it to the surface.

You didn't deprive your children of anything, you and your husband took the responsible decision to protect them. It sounds like it was the only decision you could possibly have taken, and you would have had even greater regrets if they had been harmed by contact with your FIL.

I agree that this sounds like PND and you really need to get to your GP.

That’s good to read

Not to get all armchair psychologist on you but do you think this situation has ‘allowed’ you to let these feelings bubble to the surface because they’re more appropriate for a grief situation than just having them for no particularly identifiable reason or a less understandable reason? It might be helpful to you to separate your current feelings from your fil’s situation.

Cross posted with @teddycoat but I do wonder if there’s something in that along with possibly pnd. You have four very young children - don’t underestimate the effect that will have had on you mentally through hormone changes alone.