To think I will carry this guilt forever

[acloudofsadness]

My FIL is going to die. It's been such a shock. we can't go and be with him for various reasons.

We are just waiting for the call.

In his final few months of his life he didn't see us or our children due to his mental health my DH decided he couldn't be around him. He was a lovely but difficult man. He had severe MH issues and it impacted our lives so much. We put up with a lot over the years.

I should have done more to make amends between my FIL and DH. I just respected DHs wishes and had no contact. I regret it so so much. I probably could have done more to get them to speak and make things better.

I have feelings that I don't deserve to be alive. I don't deserve to have my beautiful babies because I kept them from their kind grandad (what right did we have to do that). I feel worthless. I must be an evil person. I have thought that I might like to die too but I don't want to leave my children without a mother. I can't look at my babies without feeling an overwhelming wave of guilt.

Please someone tell me it gets easier because the guilt is like NOTHING I've ever experienced.

Presumably your husband is an adult who is capable of making his own decisions? He made the choices he made, for good reasons. Even if they had been bad reasons, that was his choice. It was never your place to try and persuade him otherwise. Your role was to support him. Remember he had many more years of his father’s behaviour to put up with than you did.

Remember, difficult people die. It doesn’t change that fact that they were difficult. Your FIL doesn’t sound like someone who would have been a lovely grandad anyway, if he was so difficult. Plus he’s dying, so he wouldn’t have been around anyway.

The best thing you can do for your kids is surround them by people who love them and are kind, safe, predictable, and not likely to cause them distress.

I think you need some counselling and possibly medication, which your GP can help you with.

This. You need to get help and take the DC if you have to.

Rationally you will surely know that your DH did the right thing. You can’t know what might have happened if you’d taken the DC to see FIL. If he had had a breakdown in front of them it would have been terrifying. You need to trust that your DH did what he knew was best, given his father’s illness.

I hope the GP can help.

Doctor asap. Take kids with you if you have to.

I wrote a lot more but deleted it. Just see your doctor please x

The problem is I definitely do not want anti depressants as tried them years ago and had a horrendous experience. I really don't want to medicate myself. So unsure what a GP can do. But I have called them anyway so will see what they say.

This is really helping, I'm so glad I posted this morning.

Why can't your husband go now? Is it a long distance? Regardless of any background, I wouldn't take the kids to a situation like this but your husband could still make his peace.

What does your husband want to do? At end of life care he is unlikely to be very lucid but the being there or seeing him (even if FIL doesn't know it) might help the grieving process, which is likely to be complicated anyway.

Your reaction is worrying and as others have said, you may need to consider if something else is going on.

@Calmdown14 it's more complicated than I can even explain - there are legalities involved due to lack of travel insurance, yes he's abroad and in a very very remote location, which is making it all a lot harder.

I think the shock and trauma of the nature of the accident and the details has made it all worse too. I honestly can't process it.

OK, you said you need a bit of tough love so here it goes:

Your guilt is a sign of extreme egocentrism. You think you have the power to control everything in the world and so if something goes wrong it is your fault. You need to change your mindset.

The vast majority of everything that happens, including in your immediate circle, is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is limited to doing right by your dc. Right now, you are not doing that.

By feeling guilt, you are making this all about yourself, whereas you are the last person it should be about. You need to let go your guilt, and ideally most of your grief, in order to be able to support your dc and your dh the way it actually is your job, as a parent and partner.

On a softer note, it's really hard when you have the hormones of having a newborn. I suspect that they enhance the feelings of responsibility (and guilt), as they are evolved to do, in order to protect that incredibly vulnerable human being you have just given birth to (and that you are absolutely responsible for). They are just getting misdirected in this situation, and it's going to take a huge effort to override the emotions. Don't hesitate to seek professional help if you need it.

If you don't want antidepressants, maybe talking therapy could help if you can afford it? I suspect the NHS won't make that available, but it can be very helpful.

@acloudofsadness i understand you’re wary around medication but I would encourage you not to write it off as an option completely. There is more than one type and dosage available and if it means that you are physically able to face life without spiralling then it has its place.

The truth is any medication would take some time to work optimally and isn’t a quick fix but it helps you over the first hurdle of being able to focus on other strategies and support.

I was going to say, please don’t make this about you.

But then I see you have MH issues of your own. Is there a crisis line number in your area? Google it? You may well have PND as your reaction is very extreme.

Having a new baby can make you have existential worries about the world and feel things intensely. But it’s is affecting your functioning to a significant degree now.

Seek help and pick up the phone. Even to call the Samaritans. You need to look after yourself so you can support your husband x

Reading between the lines, it sounds like FIL has harmed himself? Is that perhaps causing you to feel the way you do?

I think that’s a fair point and is very area dependant. There are some online resources that can be accessed though and it’s worth looking in your locality to find counselling/therapies offered by charitable organisations. Your GP might be able to signpost some of these and have a good look at their information boards when you’re there.

https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-wellbeing-tips/self-help-cbt-techniques/

OP in my area you would still be eligible for perinatal mental health services. Please check if this is the case for you. It’s often quicker to respond than other NHS MH services.

You are not to blame.
You are not responsible for how other adults choose to live. Absolutely, 100% not.
Your DH's choices are his. Respect them as such. You can disagree with them, but they are his choices. You bear no responsibility.

My strong suspicion is that this has stirred up something else in you, the depths of feeling are so strong. I think this is "about" other things too. Absolutely impossible to even make a guess at what they might be knowing nothing about your background, but I highly recommend you explore it with a psychotherapist if this is something you can access/afford.

Talk to the GP about this. There are different types of anti ds etc. A blanket 'i don't want medication' approach is not a great idea.

FWIW, i was N C with my father for a few years before he died, he missed out on meeting his grandchild etc. I would have gone ballistic if DH had gone over my head about this. So although it can seem strange, it's sometimes for the best.

Not all anti depressants are equal. If I wasn’t on Sertraline I am not sure I’d be here. I let my PND get way too out of control but the meds were an absolute life saver.

OP try not to get upset about this re your kids. Your children are very little - your eldest is only 3 so they will have no memory of any of this. A visit to FIL wouldn’t make any difference to them.

You are right, your kids need you. Focus on yourself and them.

I know everyone is saying it's brought up other issues but no idea what they could be.

I feel like I've gone from being a happy person enjoying my baby and children to absolutely devastated and completely traumatised overnight.

I suspect it maybe could be hormonal you're right but struggling to get any sort of perspective right now.

This is honestly helping reading this so thank you.

Very sorry to hear this and send my condolences to you and your family. Without knowing the ins and outs it’s hard to see the whole picture. I’m assuming you feel guilty as you think you could have supported FIL more? As you said if you were on good terms he wouldn’t have been where he was when he had the accident?

Either way this isn’t your ‘guilt’ to take on, it’s your husband’s. His father, not yours. He decided on NC. Did you agree with this decision or did you have reservations at the time?

I also think your husband needs to give you some support. There’s no reason why he can’t look after the children so you can make a drs appointment. This is not optional, you need to see someone.

@lala66 I did agree with my DH decision at the time as we were just about to have a baby and the stress he was causing us by not taking his medication was palpable.

I did however think it was going on too long and I had gently encouraged my DH to contact him but he didn't want to.

@acloudofsadness honestly, if we could understand the complexity of our emotions on our own then there would be no need for therapists! But right now I would focus on seeing a GP, on reminding yourself that you are NOT RESPONSIBLE for this, that your love and attention at this time and always is the most important thing for your children (and not a visit to FIL)

@laclochette it's interesting you frame it like that.

I actually feel so guilty for being so wrapped up in my new baby and my older children that the last few months passed in a blur and I think normally I'd have been along the lines of 'right this has gone on too long, we need to see your dad, can you call him please' and my DH probably would have done (he can be a stubborn so and so).

If I hadn't been so wrapped up in the kids and newborn life I'd have probably tried harder to get my FIL back in our lives as he is genuinely a very good man and a huge part of our families (and I do feel my DH was overreacting slightly but like you say he's dealt with this his whole life and was exhausted by it).

But to read that I was right to have my focus as my kids and I shouldn't feel guilty about that isn't a way I have thought about it.

Your respected your DH’s wishes. To do anything else would have been undermining to him. You did the right thing.

You need support with your reaction, which is disproportionate and actually not to do with your FIL - please talk to your GP and seek some therapy.

Make sure you tell the doctor what exactly happened on the antidepressants. It could be a sign of a deeper diagnosis that needs an urgent referral to either the post natal mental health service (you should be able to access this if you're in the UK and your baby is under 1 and it gives a lot more access to free support e.g. psychologists and therapy than you can get if you don't have a baby) or Community Mental Health.

The GP may not recognise what you're describing, depending on what actually happened with the antidepressants, but there are specific mental illnesses that can become very serious if you are given antidepressants (e.g. bipolar disorder), you could end up cycling with severe mood swings or end up more suicidal or manic, so I think you might need the GP to refer you onwards to be assessed by a psychiatrist to ensure the course of action is the safest one for you. If this is the case, there are lots of other things you can try, other medications as well as non-medication routes, so don't jump to worrying that they'll treat you one way when they might not.

Remember, whatever the diagnosis or underlying problem, the goal for you and them is to get you functional again, not to label you or make you feel lesser.

If you tell the GP you're feeling suicidal then they have to refer you onwards to the Crisis Team or Community Mental Health. These people are there to help you and get you back to functioning.

All mental health in the UK is supposed to be treated with a recovery-based model these days so don't worry about what might happen if you're honest with them.

I hope you get the help you need to feel better soon.

Oh OP this is your DH decision is isn’t something you can control. It sounds as if it has happened quickly and traumatically and that can be a factor as well.

my FIL has end stage kidney disease and it has not seen my two since 2021 and about once/twice a year since then. I have asked if they want to see him (15 and 11) and neither do. It is their choice.

I think you may be grieving the grandfather they will never have now - do they see your parent s