To think I will carry this guilt forever

[acloudofsadness]

My FIL is going to die. It's been such a shock. we can't go and be with him for various reasons.

We are just waiting for the call.

In his final few months of his life he didn't see us or our children due to his mental health my DH decided he couldn't be around him. He was a lovely but difficult man. He had severe MH issues and it impacted our lives so much. We put up with a lot over the years.

I should have done more to make amends between my FIL and DH. I just respected DHs wishes and had no contact. I regret it so so much. I probably could have done more to get them to speak and make things better.

I have feelings that I don't deserve to be alive. I don't deserve to have my beautiful babies because I kept them from their kind grandad (what right did we have to do that). I feel worthless. I must be an evil person. I have thought that I might like to die too but I don't want to leave my children without a mother. I can't look at my babies without feeling an overwhelming wave of guilt.

Please someone tell me it gets easier because the guilt is like NOTHING I've ever experienced.

Also - worth looking into 'complex grief'.

I think if he's abroad and getting there is complicated then not being there at the end is really to be expected. Not everyone gets this chance regardless of how close the relationship is.

Given the distance he was never going to be a grandfather to your kids in the sense you are carrying guilt for, nice were you ever going to be able to be a part of his life in the way you have conjured up.

Added to that all the other issues then there really wasn't any other outcome.

Look after yourself now. Your husband needs you and you haven't caused this. You can feel guilty but it won't change anything other than to make you and your family miserable. You need help to let it go

This.

I'm NC with both my parents and they will die while this situation continues. My three children have never met them and never will.

I don't feel any guilt about any of this, and believe myself to be a half decent parent too. Kindly what you are feeling is irrational and obviously the emotions are very heightened just now, but I genuinely feel like this might be PND in disguise.

https://www.cruse.org.uk/understanding-grief/effects-of-grief/complicated-grief/

This is really not normal. You need to see a GP.

My husband's mother died about 20 years ago now. He had been none contact for at least 5 years at this point. I tried to get him to visit her in hospital before she passed, but he wouldn't.

Other posters are right, this isn't about you. It's nothing to do with you. This was your husband's father and you're drowning in feelings of guilt?

Please call your GP. They don't care if you take all the children in with you. But you need to speak to someone.

It’s not your choice to make op. Your poor dh has struggled with his own father and mental illness. He has already grieved the loss of a parent years ago in many ways. This might even come as a relief to him. It’s torturous having a parent but not having one in any meaningful way.

You sound very ill. Probably PND you urgently need some support. Can you also call the HV as well? This is not about your FIL op, and my heart is going out to you. You will be okay - but urgently need to be seen. Thank you for posting - we are here so just keep posting

@acloudofsadness As someone who has had their compassion abused by a dying relative, I would say that a relationship is only possible if both sides are willing and able to accommodate each other.
Our lives were put on hold for almost a decade by a scheming FIL who was lying to everyone including himself. His self-centred nature enabled him to obtain a wide range of drugs he didn't need and a lot of end of life care that wasn't needed - he had Macmillan nurses for 5 years and there was no sign of the supposed cancer when he finally died of something else.
We had made him the focus of our lives, destroyed a lot of opportunities for his GC - all in order that we hoped we wouldn't feel guilty for falling short. We went above and beyond in myriad ways and yet still felt guilty.
Why? Because compassionate people will always give and others will always take. Think of your children, if your FIL was a loving, caring person with his full faculties, would he want attention for himself or those little ones?
Cut yourself some slack, hug them and let his blood relatives deal with things.

Please call 116 123 if you start to feel worse/suicidal.

We are here op. Many of us where you are right now.

I think you're being very unreasonable about this. Your DH and FIL's relationship was their responsibility to work out. How is it your responsibility at all?

My DH's father died when he hadn't spoken to him for years. It's sad but it doesn't mean it wasn't the right decision. I did try to help things but, in the end, had to let go and decide that their relationship (or lack of) was their concern, not mine.

This is going to be a complicated loss for your DH and your job is to support him through that.

It's good you're getting help.

I agree with talking to your HV. There used to be schemes where nursery nurse students would help new mothers as part of a placement. Would something like that help take some strain? You sound like you have too much to cope with and are overwhelmed.

Your hormones are bound to be affecting your emotions. They run everything in our bodies.

This is brilliant.

It’s not your fault.

How is op being unreasonable? Yes it's disproportionate but op is coping with a lot. But she loves this man. I loved pils as much as my own DM.

She is being unreasonable by taking full responsibility for the relationship between FIL and her DH upon herself. It was never her responsibility and it's unreasonable to think it was. The responsibility was theirs and theirs alone.

Oh OP.

Your DH gets to make the decision about being in contact with his parents. It wasn't your place to push or pressurise him. You did the right thing supporting him.

My DH is very LC with his parents at the moment. He's seen them twice in two years, once voluntarily. He doesn't call them or message them. Part of the reason for this is how they behave towards me and his son, but I didn't make the decision for him. I do sometimes worry that when they die, he'll feel resentment towards me, but it is his decision and it wouldn't be supportive or right of me to force him to see them to alleviate potential guilt on my part.

The same is true for your situation. Your DH decided to have NC. He decided it was the best decision for you as a family. Nothing you've said suggests he's said or behaved as if he regrets that decision, or would change it now.

Your response is therefore misguided. In the nicest way, it's over the top. This isn't your guilt to hold, or your relative that is dying. Your role here is to support your DH, who is losing his Dad and had a complex relationship with him. You can't do that if you're drowning in your own feelings.

Talking to your GP is a good idea. You also might want to ground yourself by reminding yourself of where your loyalties and responsibilities are. Your DH and children; not your FIL.

I understand you dont want medication therefore dont see the point in a GP appointment but they can signpost other support.

I dont want to scare you but I refused to see a GP and didnt want medication and 5 years later I am still paying the price.

Yes, you can get by without medication but it makes things worse and not better.

Mental health issues after birth are real. They arent weakness or all in your head.

I can 100% tell you that a few years of meds and some decent mental health support like talking therapy would have gotten me to a better place a lot faster.

I kept having weeks of things being good and the I'd relapse to negative thought patterns and after 5 years all I can say is I've managed the problem and identified my triggers, like a lack of sleep. After 5 years I dont endorse avoidance and wish I'd been a better advocate for myself.

Dont kid yourself that it will go away.

I don't think some people can grasp that ILS can be as close or even closer than our own parents.

Yes OP needs help but it doesn't diminish her love.

OP you sound frazzled, knackered and possibly unwell. I think you have lost perspective and am therefore glad you have called the GP.

If the roles were reversed you wouldn’t want your DH to feel this way, you’d be horrified he was beating himself up so much and be reassuring him that he has not let anyone down.

You can’t make the situation with DH’s father’s health better but you can focus on your own mental health to make sure you can support your DH and your children when they will need you most when the time comes.

Try to make improving your own mental health your absolute aim and objective as that is what will help your family need most.

Write this goal down every morning and before you go to bed so you don’t lose perspective again. Work with your GP and strive to be well for your family.

OP - I have medication for depression and anxiety and I was really scared to take it for a number of reasons - afraid I'd be a zombie, afraid it wouldn't work, afraid I was somehow 'failing' as a human and mother - but it's been incredible, it has made me feels SO much better and none of those fears have come to pass. I'd also had them before and they hadn't worked, but a different brand this time has been a completely different experience. Don't be scared of doing what it takes to get well, especially if you're experiencing suicidal ideation.

Wow there is so much amazing advice and support here. I really can't even thank you enough. It's really made me pull myself together today.

I definitely do need a break. 3 children under 4 has not been easy and I was already exhausted before this happened. Now my DH is understandably distracted and grieving in his own way so I'm trying to do everything myself.

It certainly does feel like it could be a bit hormonal as well. The excessive crying is annoying me but it's like I've started and now I can't stop.

If you wanted to say your own personal goodbye to him, without involving anyone else, can you phone him up, or is that impossible?

The reason I say GP is that I dont think your problem is your actual problem.

I think you may need to consider that you might have a post natal mental health complication. I see you as a new mum, probably very busy and exhausted, who has had a shock and the shock is triggering negative thought patterns about death, your worries and affecting your selfworth.

I'm not a GP but I'm offering the above as an outsider or a friend as an alternative view because outsiders sometimes see the bigger picture. A GP is likely to have actual qualified insight and be able to offer actual support.

Phone the gp now, while you're crying and get your support. Dont think, just call or you will talk yourself out of it later x

Just to second this approach. My best friend's parents were enormously kind to me when my father abandoned us just before important exams.
We were in lockdown when the husband's longstanding cancer worsened, so I couldn't see him, but I did take the opportunity to write and thank him and his wife for their support.
Afterwards it was a great comfort to have shared what I would have said at his funeral with him.

Thank you everyone, he has now passed away and I feel a sense of relief.

I have managed to stop crying and your words here really brought me back down to earth yesterday. I have felt that I cannot talk to anyone in real life because a) there is always a child with me and b) the options are limited due to lack of family around currently and friends with their own stuff going on. But I think how much better you all made me feel really highlights the need to talk to others to help with perspective.

This is the first time either of us have lost someone close. Any words of wisdom in supporting my DH will be welcome, I feel clueless. Trying to just keep life normal for him as best I can currently.

It is not your fault.

When someone dies we find it hard to acknowledge that this person was, like all of us, a flawed human being. If you believe all the obits, no-one difficult or flawed or just plain horrible has ever died - they were all paragons of virtue.

Someone close to my family has recently died and they were in life very problematical: insensitive, noisy, racist, overbearing - but the eulogy talked of the good things, as they always do. His close relatives are having to struggle with a sense of guilt for so many things: avoiding him, not inviting him round, chuntering about his behaviour etc. etc. But they did nothing wrong - they were just reacting normally to how he was.

Your family did what felt right when your FIL was alive - him dying changes nothing.

I do think your response is a bit extreme and it may have triggered other memories for you. I would speak to the GP and see if there is help available to help you navigate all this. Guilt is a destructive emotion and rarely justified.