To think I will carry this guilt forever

[acloudofsadness]

My FIL is going to die. It's been such a shock. we can't go and be with him for various reasons.

We are just waiting for the call.

In his final few months of his life he didn't see us or our children due to his mental health my DH decided he couldn't be around him. He was a lovely but difficult man. He had severe MH issues and it impacted our lives so much. We put up with a lot over the years.

I should have done more to make amends between my FIL and DH. I just respected DHs wishes and had no contact. I regret it so so much. I probably could have done more to get them to speak and make things better.

I have feelings that I don't deserve to be alive. I don't deserve to have my beautiful babies because I kept them from their kind grandad (what right did we have to do that). I feel worthless. I must be an evil person. I have thought that I might like to die too but I don't want to leave my children without a mother. I can't look at my babies without feeling an overwhelming wave of guilt.

Please someone tell me it gets easier because the guilt is like NOTHING I've ever experienced.

This is not your fault. This was your husband's decision and it was entirely his to make. And it sounds as though he had his reason.

I'm not sure why you're making this about you (and I don't mean that unkindly). But you are. And I can only imagine that it's a trauma response of some kind.

I'm glad you've called the GP, but I'd also research helplines. The Samaritans will help you and there are other mental health helplines.

You really need to turn this around. Your role after such a bereavement is to support your husband, yet you're drowning in your own feelings when it isn't your dad.

I'm not sure why you feel guilty, OP, given that you respected your husband's wishes - that is admirable. Don't fall for the sentimental nonsense in movies re deathbed scenes.... families are complicated and there is no obligation to be with them.

@Tiswa I'm so sorry to hear that. Yes they are very lucky and have lots of grandparents.
This one was special though. 🥺

You'll find lots of support here OP.

https://www.thegoodgrieftrust.org/

I think you will come to terms with what are really raw emotions now.
I has similar with my grandmother. She was very difficult indeed and I drew a line with her about 6 months before she and my grandad died.
I saw her just before she died. With the passage of Time I can see that I put up with probably too much, and probably should have set firmer boundaries sooner.
But I did the best I could in a really difficult situation.

In my opinion, your FiL is a red herring. You sound extremely unwell. I think you need to see your GP, if your feelings are this extreme I would say medication with therapy.

This is about your partner's father, I really don't want to sound awful here but you didn't have a relationship with him because of his mental health but yet you are feeling this guilt and don't want to be here? You are making this about you, how do you think your partner is feeling? Are you supporting him? I think perhaps you should visit your Dr.

OP, by any chance are you from a culture where 'family is everything' and there's intense, overwhelming pressure to remain in close contact with blood relatives regardless of their behaviours or actions?

You can't do anything about your FIL's mental health issues now. But you can do something about yours, so that they don't get out of control and cause your family further distress. Please see your GP. And do consider antidepressants. Which ones did you try before?

This is neither your or dhs fault. You will never know if you could have prevented the accident. He made a choice not to take his medication and your dh is not responsible for fixing his dad. The person who is unwell is responsible for their own recovery. DH clearly made the choice to go no contact to protect himself and his family.That is admorable.

You have accepted this is an extreme reaction so it's now for you to fix it. Don't make excuses for not being able to get help. It sounds like you are a people pleaser and therfore blame yourself when things go wrong despite them being out of your control. Mindfulness might help calm your thoughts whilst you seek help

A woman feeling guilt. Nothing new. I hope you get help.

@Thegoodbadandugly
We had actually a brilliant relationship when he was well and we loved him very much. Unfortunately his MH issues meant it was a real Jekyll/hyde type scenario. There were times when we just couldn't be around him. But when he took his medication we were very close with him. It's complicated.

lovely, you’ve done nothing wrong. please get some rest when you can and support your DH.

you can PM me if you need x

🩷

OP I'm in a similar but different situation to you with some of this. I've had to report exH to the police for doing awful things to me and my children. I'm blowing his life up. I've avoided this over the years as I've attributed his jeckyll and Hyde personality to his poor mental health and didn't feel he deserved punishment, but needed help. He does need to be held accountable and myself and my children deserve to be and feel safe, they take priority now over whatever consequences he faces for his terrible behaviour. He has refused help for all these years and continues to behave poorly. My daughters are a mess because of him, you have avoided this happening to your children and you should be proud to have recognised this toxic man would have caused harm had he been allowed in your children's, and your lives. You've done the right thing but you feel guilty because you're not like him. You need to make peace with making a judgement call as a mother. You did the right thing and you're a great mum and wife for it.

If he is still alive then just try and visit as much as possible now, there's nothing you can do to change the situation, unfortunately when someone has mental health issues like that you just have to do your best to protect your family.

If anti depressants didn't work then perhaps try some therapy.

You were a good mother and protected your children from contact with someone who was unable to be a good grandparent to them anymore.

I have a close relative with severe MH issues, I know for sure that if we had young children in the family we would not allow contact with them when they were at their worst. It's very sad, but putting the emotional welfare of your DH and DC first was the right thing to do.

This is not your fault.
I am NC with both my parents.
Dh totally supported me in thus. If he ever ever even attempted to override my decision, we would have had a big problem in our marriage. On the face of it, my parents were much better grandparents than they were parents, but a good grandparent does not treat their mother like dirt. So they were not good grandparents. I protected my children from that. As did you.
This is not on you.
You did the right thing.
If you die with everyone around you, you probably deserve it.
If you die with no on around you, you probably deserve it.
This is on him.

Try to be rational about this OP. It's easy to have rose-tinted hindsight spectacles. But no one goes no-contact lightly. If you had made more effort for your DC to see their grandad they might have witnessed or be subject to some very distressing scenes that could have confused them at best and scarred them at worst.

Who is your primary duty of care to? Your DH and DC or your FiL? You know the answer to that and you chose to be supportive to your husband and protective of your children. Feel sad that it got to this but enough with the dramatic OTT guilt. No one needs it at this point, least of all your husband and children. Take a calmer, adult approach to the difficult choices you had to make.

This, hope you feel better soon, OP 💐

You sound like you have PND, triggered by the stress of your family situation. You must seek medical help urgently.

@unbelievablescenes you are not blowing his life up. He has done it himself. It is his fault not yours

Agree with all the other posters suggesting you get in touch with your GP or local health service. Whether or not it's PND, post childbirth our hormones can be in my experience a real rollercoaster. We need extra care and support at this time, please seek this out for yourself as a priority.

You prioritising your babies is absolutely logical.

Sending you well wishes. Be extra gentle with yourself.

It’s not your responsibility and not your guilt, your reaction is irrational and over the top which means that either you are depressed or projecting some other issues onto this situation

I lost my father in 2022 and also had a very complex relationship with him - he was a difficult man with mental health issues, too. Last year was a funny old year and I found myself struggling with my own mental health too - but tbh I had a lot more going on as had also recently separated from husband. I do think your grief sounds disproportionate, especially given that he's not a close relative, and it does sound like there could be something else going on - PND perhaps. You definitely need to see a doctor and you can self-refer for counselling too, which is something you can do. Your doctor will be able to tell you more about that.

Time is a great healer and remember, this too shall pass. You won't feel like this forever.

Your husband is entitled to decide his relationship with his father, don't make this about you