To think I will carry this guilt forever

[acloudofsadness]

My FIL is going to die. It's been such a shock. we can't go and be with him for various reasons.

We are just waiting for the call.

In his final few months of his life he didn't see us or our children due to his mental health my DH decided he couldn't be around him. He was a lovely but difficult man. He had severe MH issues and it impacted our lives so much. We put up with a lot over the years.

I should have done more to make amends between my FIL and DH. I just respected DHs wishes and had no contact. I regret it so so much. I probably could have done more to get them to speak and make things better.

I have feelings that I don't deserve to be alive. I don't deserve to have my beautiful babies because I kept them from their kind grandad (what right did we have to do that). I feel worthless. I must be an evil person. I have thought that I might like to die too but I don't want to leave my children without a mother. I can't look at my babies without feeling an overwhelming wave of guilt.

Please someone tell me it gets easier because the guilt is like NOTHING I've ever experienced.

When my dad died, and then my mum a few years later, what I needed from
my DH was for him to keep the rest of our life going while I dealt with the practicalities and my grief. He was sad, of course, as he was fond of my parents, but the grief of losing a parent is something you can’t understand until you have experienced it.

I am going to be very blunt here and say that if he had reacted the way that you are, it would have hurt me deeply. It sounded as though you were weeping and wailing and making it all about you and how you feel. I can see from your posts that your reaction is no doubt linked to post-natal depression, and the situation is more difficult with your DH being estranged from his father, but if you truly want to support your DH, you really need to focus on him right now.

I’d also agree with all the posters suggesting you get help with how you are feeling. Don’t ignore PND and hope it will go away.

I would agree with the posters who mention Post Natal Depression, or over-active hormones. Your baby is only a few weeks old.

Also, and this might sound harsh, your FIL was responsible for his own health. You say he was great when he was medicated, but not so great when he wasn't. It was down to him to stay medicated, no-one else. Yes, others can remind or be encouraging about staying medicated, but ultimately the decision not to take the medication rests with him and him alone.

You have three children who need your love and care, and by the sound of it you are a very caring person. Don't be upset that you were focused on them. You are their mum, it's natural.

Please don't beat your self up about whatever FIL did or didn't do. His actions, his life, his consequences.

Your DH may be feeling guilty too, but not knowing how to verbalise it, or still processing it internally.

I hope the Dr can offer you some resolution to your extreme reaction.

There’s no right or wrong way to grieve. People deal with grief differently.

You have no reason to feel guilty.

My MIL died a few months ago, very suddenly and I did get to say goodbye as did my kids and I am very thankful for that.
I still have some guilt for not allowing my children to visit much but she and her son also had meantal health issues and safety was a big concern.

I know I made the right choices but my MIL was still a good person (just broken) who welcomed me into her family with open arms 25 years ago.
sone guilt I think will always be there but I hope you can find a way to make peace with this.

When I lost my father, what I really needed was someone to just hear me out. Not do anything, not try to fix anything, just be there to listen when I wanted to ramble about him, often with rose tinted glasses, sometimes with deep sadness, whatever.

I needed to process my feelings around him (he was a complicated person, but I loved him very much) and the fact that he was not going to be a part of my life any more, and that all the thing I hadn't gotten to do with him were now never going to happen.

Sometimes it helped to do that by talking about him in a fairly random manner.

I have been feeling so so much better, and the last two days I've held it together really well, had some fun with my children, managed to keep things as normal as possible for everyone, this evening I'm just feeling very sad again.

I'm struggling with someone being in the world one moment and the next they're gone. It feels impossible to understand like my brain can't process it. I cannot simply accept that we will never have an opportunity to see him again, that he will never play with his grandchildren again.

I guess the ups and downs are to be expected and I'm hoping this is just 'normal' grief. It feels less intense in the week just gone. But almost like I'm now too scared to think about it as trying to distract myself for 48h has really worked.

My father died nearly 30 years ago and I still get waves of grief. It does get better over time, but you never totally 'get over' the loss of a loved one.

Sounds like your fil was too ill to safely see his grandchildren. You a great mum as you and your dh protected them. X

Like others I think you may have PND. There are many types of antidepressants so another type may work for you. Please do give it ago.

I know when I had PND I was given A/D and I felt like my old self in two weeks. It was miraculous.

I also had menopausal depression and I remember a day or two when I couldn’t stop crying. Why? Because my cat had brought a mouse in and had let it go. I saw the mouse in the kitchen and tried to catch it to let it outside. I couldn’t catch it and left the room for five minutes. I had accidentally let the cat back in and when I came back, my cat had recaught the mouse and killed it.

i felt so so sad and guilty. In my head I was responsible 100% for the mouse’s death. I just couldn’t stop crying. And it wasn’t just that mouse, it was all the mice my cat had killed, and all the animals that had died from cruelty and accidents - down to the state of the world and all the suffering going on in the world to animal, children, everything, everywhere.

As you can see I was very unwell. You can probably see that my reaction was not proportionate to what had happened. Please believe everyone that has posted that you are not responsible for this situation.

The concept of someone being there one moment and not the next is always hard to get one's head around - I am not sure that anyone ever truly succeeds with that.

I am glad that you have managed to lift your spirits a bit and have some fun with the children. The best way to honour someone's life is to live your own to the full, as far as you are able.

I hope your depression will lift - but don't forget the GP is there if you need help.

You are trying to pretend you're coping to avoid seeing the GP or asking the health visitor to refer you to perinatal mental health. That is extremely harmful, because you have not been responding rationally and need extra help.

You took anti depressants before, and the issue with your FIL was mental health related. I wonder if somehow this has startled your mind into partially recognising your own mental health challenges. Instead of using this experience as a pertinent lesson though, you are doing exactly the same thing and refusing to get help for your issues. You've seen why that isn't healthy, you've seen the trauma it caused your DH. Be the mother and wife your family need you to be by going to get help early; that is the absolute best way that you can support them all and ensure you are there for them now and throughout their lives, which is what they all want.

Yes, the "where have they gone?" Is the question everyone who has encountered Death asks, and have done for many thousands of years.

I find it a little odd that people are rarely bewildered by Birth - a brand new person comes from nowhere.

Perfectly normal part of grieving OP. Those with a religious faith may derive some comfort in the answers their faith offers, those of us without a faith are left to navel gaze.

@GRex I actually am seeing the GP on Monday, but thank you for your concern.

Please don't blame yourself. Unfortunately in the living life, people can be very difficult to deal with, that you have no option to distance yourself. Sometimes that's the only option in life. You have a family with children to focus on too which eill take up most of your time. Even if you did try help them , would it have made any difference? Probably not!!! It's not your responsibility to fix other people relationships. It's normal now to feel regret as he's passing and maybe that's something you need support with. But let go of the blame. Any chance you can say to him or get a letter, message to him to say that you love him and sorry you all had difficulties in life together and you will all miss him?
How many people in this world have difficult relationships with people then something happens and it hits you and there is what if , if only. It probably happens to everyone. Take care of yourself

I’m glad you’re seeing the GP. Don’t immediately write off antidepressants - they can feel like they’re making things worse in the first few weeks but there are many different types of ADs now and they’re not all the same. I’m also going to repeat what many others have said, that you did the right thing at the time supporting your DH to reduce contact with his father. I have a difficult father and have gone through periods of NC and if my partner had taken it upon themselves to try and facilitate contact it would’ve been the end of the relationship. My father wasn’t universally bad either, he had good moments but unless you’ve lived it, you’ve got no business telling other people they should manage their family relationships.

Wow you defo have post natal and you need to get it sorted this is what I had with our twins, luckily my hubby is spot on and despite 4 young kids made sure I got to the drs fairly quickly once it started and several weeks later I was brand new again

Oh and sertraline was the one that worked for me. Nothing to be ashamed of taking them either. Our babies need the best from there mums

I was no contact with my 'in laws' (not married, together for 15 years) for 9 and a half years when MIL died unexpectedly last October. Her death has changed nothing for me - I didn't like her when she was alive, I'm not going to weep and wail and pretend I did now she's dead.

I feel sorry for my partner that he's lost his mother, and I'll support him in his grieving but that's as far as it goes. FIL hasn't suddenly stopped being a racist, homophobic, xenophobic, brexit voting tory cunt just because his wife has died. For me, nothing has changed.