Child maintenance reduction

[Istheregoldattheendoftherainbow]

I earn 3x as much as my DH. This isn’t an issue at all but we’re wondering what to do when it comes to child maintenance.

DH was paying his ex girlfriend a very generous amount (at this stage no CMS involved and turns out he was paying 3x more than CMS would’ve calculated)

When his ex found out me and DH were pregnant she unilaterally reduced contact to half of what it was and went through CMS thinking she would get more money. I don’t think she realised our lifestyle was because of my salary; not DH’s.

Anyway, things have always been toxic with her and DH served a court order on her when she reduced contact which saw myself and DH gain overnight contact. Not as much as we would’ve liked but it was better than what we had.

His ex has now broken the court order by saying the children do not want to visit us, stay with us etc therefore we are barely seeing them. DH doesn’t want to force them to come but we miss them.

DH has reduced his salary and CMS would decrease by 25% at the end of the month. Is it unreasonable to reduce it to the CMS suggested level?

I think it's beneficial for him to have the day with the youngest of course however if he / they can afford to continue with the current maintenance payment they should.

If his salary was lower then childcare costs would it be fair to cut down his days even further or even completely and then change maintenance to suit? It would be beneficial for the baby but would be paying little to no maintenance to his other children.

Also - have you considered that his other children might genuinely be saying that they don’t want to see their father because they see him put his new family above them? While it would be wrong for their mother to say that sort of thing to them directly, given the decision you have made, it absolutely is true now, even if it might not have been when she said it. I feel so very sorry for those children.

I would reduce the maintenance to CMS level as that is what HE can provide. (He is then paying through the officiap channel the amount lefally required And I would not wish to be setting any precidents of anything else.)

However I would then go back to the court and log the breach of the court order as I feel that if he does not do this now his relationship with his kids will be lost forever.

As you Collectively, can clearly afford the difference in maintenance I would set this difference aside as a fund for the children - for the court costs, for some counselling to combat the parent alienation (get that noted in court too) and then for a clothes/uni/car/house fund for the dc. That way the children are benefiting from their dad's lifestyle changes too.

i know someone whos been in this exact situation. He reduced CMS as he found out his ex had been spending it all on herself ( holidays, nails,makeup hair etc) and leaving the kids without when they needed things and then asking for more. He then saved up in his own pot for them the additional amount he had saved. When they got to 18 he gave it to them.

OP - Whether or not it’s technically correct to reduce maintenance, can you not see how much worse it’ll make things? He already has a toxic ex who is apparently telling the kids things that make them not want to see him. If he reduces the payments then she’ll tell the kids “see, not only does your Dad love his new baby more than he loves you, now he doesn’t even want to give me money for you. That’s how much he doesn’t care”.

As a child of a father who “stepped back”, i can tell you that the best thing your DH can do is work on seeing his kids. If they don’t want over night stays, then have them for the day. If they don’t want to come to your house, your DH should take them on fun days out.

He should be ramping up efforts at being a good father, not looking at ways of saving some money. Trust me, there is a brief window of opportunity to be a good parent and develop a strong connection with your kids. Once it’s gone, it’s gone.

Yep. I decided for various reasons when I was 12 that I didn't want to see my dad any more. Nothing to do with my mum, I actually had issues with her as well. It was down to his behaviour but of course he refused to see his own faults and blamed my mum for it.

The only way the children would think that their dad doesn't care for them anymore is if their mother told them that.
"Sorry, daddy doesn't pay me as much now"
"Daddy has a new child now, doesn't need you"
"Daddy doesn't want to see you, he hasn't taken me to court this week"
If she wanted the best for her children she would not be causing all this strife and alienating them from their father and sibling.
I could never cause my children such pain.

So he decided to reduce CMS knowing his kids were already not getting what they need and withhold money until they were 18? That's just as shit.

Funny how these dads never try to get custody if the mum is so terrible, they can't care that much about their kids.

Not true at all. I knew from a young age that my dad didn't care about me because of his neglectful behaviour.

This man hasn't been neglectful though?

The only person behaving awfully here is the ex! She has broken a court order and actively trying to cause a wedge between DH and their DC.

As for the CMS she has really cut her nose off to spite her face probably thinking she would get more money not less. What a delight she sounds.

I know many a parent who would love to drop a day but wouldn't put their existing Children at a financial disadvantage.

I do agree with this to an extent. It sounds like OP and DH can afford for him to drop a day, but can his other children? Maybe not, if they'll be financially affected.

We have been to court over and over and over again
How? If your child is 1, you must have been together at least 2 years. That's with getting pregnant right away. If it's been longer, the youngest would have been less than 2 when he left. He wouldn't have been on his own very long before meeting you.

It sounds like everything happened very quickly and the girls are probably all over the place. As a dad, he should have slowed things down to give them a chance to adjust to the changes. It's probably not that they don't want to see him but want to be with him without all the rest.

It sounds like he priorities and continues to prioritise his needs and well being above theirs. They come last in the pecking order.

He needs to start thinking about what is best for them. Go to court, get the time and use that time for them. He does sound like a very self centered man. He's got all he could want now so is on his best behaviour, it might not last!

That we know of. OP did say that her partner and ex had a toxic relationship. That can be damaging.

A lot of wrong assumptions there love. I never even mentioned the gender of the children. Not self centered at all or I wouldn’t have married him.

So by this logic does that make DH’s Ex neglectful? Because I would say it’s very toxic to withhold contact and use her kids as a weapon.

Obviously I’ve only been told second hand by DH and his family what it was like. To be honest he wasn’t neglectful from the POV that kids had what they needed. Emotionally he probably was neglectful and in that he didn’t spend a lot of time with his ex and kids (was out doing hobbies he’s since given up since meeting me) so he definitely was no angel. And then this is the crux of it because he’s wonderful with me and my DS which is hard on his first children and ex but two wrongs don’t make a right either if he wasn’t like this me me and our DC.

So how long have you been together and how much is he actually paying in maintenance?

How often did he go to court? Surely the priority is to go back to enforce the order over anything else?

Hi OP,

Speaking as an SM with a DH who has a tricky ex, I don’t think you should reduce the maintenance if its only reducing due to him being able to take an extra day off thanks to your wage.

It's tempting to be a bit “stuff you” as she’s been annoying, but it’s a bit morally off. Not to her, but the DC.

I’d frame it in my head that this is a cost commitment one of us has, so any changes to set-up that would allow it to reduce on a technicality I’d probably ignore.

However, if it were me - and I’m petty AF - I’d make sure she knows we could reduce it. But of a “Stop all yer nonsense luv!” 🤣

Well, yes, commenting my thoughts on this particular man based upon the information given. I'm not taking about this posters dad or that posters ex or all the whataboutery ad infinitum.

This is what OP said:

When his ex found out me and DH were pregnant she unilaterally reduced contact to half of what it was and went through CMS thinking she would get more money

So to say the problem started with him before ng neglectful based on this information only would be very foolish.
My DHs ex did the same when she found out I was pregnant. He didn't suddenly become "neglectful" overnight but suddenly everything was a problem and a fight again.
He had previously had to threaten to drop to CMS calculator maintenance in order to direct the money to solicitors to sort out her crap keeping his child from him. She thought he was soooo neglectful that she caved the moment her purse was threatened. 🙄

You made a decision as a unit, knowing that DH already has 2 DC to support that you could afford to provide for another child and that DH could afford to drop a day. So as a family you should make sure maintenance remains at the same level.

With regards to contact, he should go back to court.

I think its poor form of him to reduce his salary when he has children to support. His decision to drop only makes sense for you and your shared child and does not factor in his responsibilities to all his children. You might be able to afford him to drop to 4 days a week, but his other children can't.

Also its essentially him sacrificing income to provide unpaid labour saving you a day of childcare cost, at the expense of his other children. Really scummy thing to do.