Child maintenance reduction

[Istheregoldattheendoftherainbow]

I earn 3x as much as my DH. This isn’t an issue at all but we’re wondering what to do when it comes to child maintenance.

DH was paying his ex girlfriend a very generous amount (at this stage no CMS involved and turns out he was paying 3x more than CMS would’ve calculated)

When his ex found out me and DH were pregnant she unilaterally reduced contact to half of what it was and went through CMS thinking she would get more money. I don’t think she realised our lifestyle was because of my salary; not DH’s.

Anyway, things have always been toxic with her and DH served a court order on her when she reduced contact which saw myself and DH gain overnight contact. Not as much as we would’ve liked but it was better than what we had.

His ex has now broken the court order by saying the children do not want to visit us, stay with us etc therefore we are barely seeing them. DH doesn’t want to force them to come but we miss them.

DH has reduced his salary and CMS would decrease by 25% at the end of the month. Is it unreasonable to reduce it to the CMS suggested level?

Dh cannot afford it because he reduced his hours. He simply shouldn't reduce his hours of he cannot keep his payments otherwise. It's simple. I would like to reduce my hours too but I cannot afford it. Same principle applies there.

He clearly is one of the dads who got himself a shiny new family and the kids from the previous relationship don't matter. Congrats, great catch, OP!

I genuinely don't understand women who do this tbh. Why would you deliberately want to stop a decent dad being involved with his kids? It's just awful! I split with my kids dad 4.5 years ago and it was ME who pushed him to up his contact! The kids wanted more time with him, and I in all honesty thought he should be sharing more of the daily load. People who use their kids as pawns are vile IMO, and they're most definitely not putting their kids first. It sounds to me like she's done this in the hope of getting more maintenance! I'd reduce the maintenance according to what CMS advise.

Rude

I would suggest he pays maintenance as it would have been calculated before he dropped the day. If he was paying over before, he doesn't need to carry on doing that, but he shouldn't be reducing his hours expecting his ex to bear the brunt of it because you will earn enough to ensure it doesn't affect your family.
How much contact does he have with the kids? I think you should focus on making them feel as comfortable as you can while they are with you and building up so they want to stay. It's on your dh to do this though, and to make the effort to show your step kids that he wants them there and is invested in them. They will see it either way as they get older, and will make their choices on contact based on what they know and how they feel.

I think it is 100% reasonable to drop the payment to the CMs amount. Mainly because she approached the CMS. Either party can go at any time and get a review. Her greed has backfired but that is not your problem. AT ALL.

this happened to us sort of, we don’t have any kids together but my DH ex went to CMS with pound signs in her eyes after we moved into our house. She was gutted to learn he only ever paid the right amount anyway and all the money was mine!

I do hope you can get access to the children though, I despise mothers who use their children as weapons against their ex. It’s pathetic.

Your area is the anomaly. Indeed most people whilst they do need to have full day, full afternoon or full morning sessions can't access a proper full time place. Indeed we had to split childcare over two settings nursery/childminder 3 days/2 days because full time spaces weren't available. ALways makes me smile/shake my head when someone assumes their normal is THE normal.

OP , if DP previously paid 3 x as much child maintenance I can only assume that even on 80% pay he can afford the amount he is currently paying. Whilst it may be the case that you feel well if ex wants CMS rate (ie when she thought it would benefit her) she can have it now when it doesn't I might leave it a while before he reduces it and sorts out the contact issues first before reconsidering whether that's what he wants to do.

@Soontobe60 and that's great where I am and across a lot of countries that isn't an option due to demand and administration overload in accessing funding.

My ex had a big drop in salary. He took on a lower paid, more local job with better hours. He stopped paying maintenance and asked to change to 50/50. I am much better off as I can work full time as opposed to a flexible, family friendly, school hours min wage job.

I think it’s fair to pay less maintenance if you take more care of the children and pay for stuff on your time. Clothes , activities etc.

Oh you bitter little person. He was in a toxic relationship. His ex isn’t a bad person, nor is he, they just didn’t work and it’s unfortunate that 2 children were brought into that environment because the relationship and break up have affected them. As a daughter who’s parents should’ve broken up I understand staying together can actually be as detrimental for the children.

my husband is a happier man, a kinder man, a more calm man since we’ve gotten together. Thats not me being naive or taking his word for that, it’s what his family and friends have told me; they’re delighted to see him finally happy and content and in love and safe and enjoying his life. Men get such a bad rap sometimes. But I’ll ignore your sarcasm and agree - he was the best catch of my life, and I hope I, his.

The CMS figure is far too low, but ywnbu to reduce it a bit. 3x the CMS minimum probably excessive, double is probably about right.

There are two separate issues going on here op

The first one being I would go back to court as the mum has broken the order

The second issue of maintenance is that if his wages have decreased then surely cms will decrease the payment themselves,and seeing as that's the route the ex decided to take that's how I would continue to proceed.

Oh you bitter little person. He was in a toxic relationship

oh, I suppose it's ok then to throw the kids under the bus (because they will ultimately go without). Your moral compass is off!!!

It seems morally wrong that by him dropping a work day that your family unit will ultimately financially be better off but then will financially negatively impact his other children.

If he can continue to pay maintenance what it currently is then surely that is the best for all his children?

He needs to take his EX back to court though about rights over custody.

He needs to take his EX back to court though about rights over custody.

any decent dad would do that but he clearly isn't bothered and more concerned with engineering a situation where he can reduce maintenance.

The kids have never been thrown under the bus. They have never ever gone without. Myself and DH have been fighting for years to get to where we are now and it’s still pathetic. We buy all their stuff for both home and our house. They had a bedroom in our home before they even were staying so they felt like this was their home too. I can honestly say my husband and I have tried every avenue. My child will get more as a consequence of my salary being larger than my DH and his ex’s combined but I’m not holding back on my DC either. Unfortunately, that’s life.

The ex sounds toxic. She reduced contact by half because you were pregnant and has now breached a court order. She is not thinking of her children in this scenario. Yes he should rescue his maintenance based on him working one less day per week. He’s their father, not just a money tree and wants to be more involved than the ex is allowing him to be. He should head back to court and women unilaterally deciding to reduce contact should be viewed more negatively than they tend to be. It’s amazing what people get away with for being female.

We have been to court over and over and over again. There’s only so much you can take.

Thank you. My husband is a real hard worker and a day off a week means he can spend time with our DC which I think is so lovely and he is really really looking forward to it to have that time for the two of them. I suppose it’s like what I had on maternity leave and it was the best feeling and time in the world. In an ideal world he could maintain this level of support for all his children but it’s just not feasible, especially with such low contact with his other two children which we honestly have tried so so hard to increase.

From the point of view of a woman I can see the ex’s POV. her boyfriend moved on and married a younger woman, was the man she wanted him to be for me but not her, became a massive family man, landed well financially etc etc so I can understand some bitterness.

from the point of view of a mother though…I don’t understand it at all because I couldn’t do anything this detrimental to my DC.

I'm all for flexibility, but if mum is being an arse then I'd play it completely by the book. Court ordered contact and CMS maintenance. Nothing more, nothing less. If he has extra then put it into savings for the kids when they're adults.

Contact and payments are 2 different things here. Go to court to enforce the contact order if needs be.

But reducing payments will hurt his other children. You have only looked at the income issue from the point of view of your family unit. Just because you as a family unit can afford for him to lower his income, that shouldn’t come at the expense (no pun intended) of his other kids’ needs. Their expenses haven’t reduced and he has a duty to them.

Personally, I don’t respect men who shirk their responsibilities to any of their children. Their needs should absolutely have been part of any decision making in relation to your DH’s hours. And if it’s a matter of you needing to work more for a higher salary, then you should consider topping his payments up because what you have decided benefits your family unit to the detriment of his other children. I fully understand that this is not a legal necessity, but it’s an issue of morality and responsibility.

I wouldn't reduce the maintenance. CMS is the bare minimum and as a parent he should have considered whether he could afford to reduce his hours and still adequately support his 3 children (yes he has 3, not just your 1). If the answer is no, then he shouldn't have dropped his hours at all.

What is the court ordered contact? If less than 50%, why? Do you live near the children and their school?

Why hasn't your husband sought to have the children live with him, if the mother is acting to their detriment?

I think the CMS is a separate issue, and as long as the children are with their mother, he morally shouldn't reduce the payments, as his salary decreasing doesn't even benefit those older children with extra time.

I know she doesn't seem to want him to have contact, but his other option is to reduce the maintenance but offer to have the kids more to reduce her costs that way. Has he tried this?
You haven't said how much contact he actually has court ordered.