To feel hurt by how DSS is towards DS?

[BonusDC]

DSS is 11 and neurotypical. My bio DS is 6 and has autism.

Almost all of the time, whenever DS tries to engage his brother about anything, DSS just blanks him and it hurts me.

Today DSC were here and DS asked him how was his day at school, he looked right at him but didnt answer. I wish it was an isolated thing but it isn't. It happens every time they're together.

Occasionally DH will intervene and say "DSS, DS is talking to you" and DSS will begrudgingly answer him after he blanked him the first few times DS said his name.

DS has tried to use gaming as a 'way in' as DSS is a big gamer and loves roblox etc. If he asks DSS questions about roblox or wants to show him his character he couldn't be less interested and doesn't even pretend to humour him. If my other DSS wants to chat to DSS12 about roblox or gaming he happily engages.

There is no messy history. DH wasn't in an established relationship with DSC' mother so there's no broken home or toxicity. DSS' has a happy home life with his DM, SF and other siblings (the youngest one belonging to her now DH)

DSS used to enjoy DS' company when DS was small and cute but he has no time for him at all any more and sees him as an inconvenience.

DS and DH share a birthday (it's tomorrow) and DSS made a handmade card for DH but not for DS. He knows it's DS birthday tomorrow and remembers clearly that it's the same day as DH but not so much as a "happy birthday for tomorrow" from him when he went home.. yet he spoke with excitement about it being his youngest sisters 1st birthday next Monday.

I know siblings can be annoying and he's entitled to feel however he feels, but surely he should still treat DS with respect?

It’s an age gap thing imo, an 11year old doesn’t want a 6 year old hanging round all of the time, hardly surprising

Your dh needs to get involved and sort out his elder son. He is being incredibly rude

Teens and young kid siblings usually have this dynamic. Doesn't mean you or ds should accept rudeness, but similarly, don't expect them to be pals.

Is he 11 and in year 7? Has starting secondary triggered this behaviour?

He isn't hanging around all of the time. DS has his own interests and likes spending time in his room by himself after school. He isn't following him around the house.

It's probably an age thing. 6-year-olds are annoying. Probably once the 11-year-old grows up a little bit he'll come back around.

Almost all of the time, whenever DS tries to engage his brother about anything, DSS just blanks him and it hurts me.

They're not brothers though. I'm sorry ... it's harsh but true
They're two boys put together because their respective parents are in a relationship.

6 years between my ds's. Best mates. All the time. Dss needs talking to imo.

Unless I’m mistaken, the OP’s son and her DSS share a Dad? So they are brothers if I’ve understood that correctly.

They are siblings, my DH is the father to both of them. I know they're not full siblings but they're very much family.

PP who asked about secondary school - yes he's in year 7. The change didn't coincide with secondary though, he has been increasingly intolerant of him for the past 2.5 years or so.

He was fine with DS when he was little (and non verbal) but now he's older and can talk and chat he doesn't want to know 🙁

Apologies for my misunderstanding.

And yeah, I'd be a bit heartbroken over this. I'm sure it'll come good in time though

I’m the youngest of 5 … when my siblings were getting into thier Teens they didn’t want to know. I fought like cat & dog with the one closest to me in age, hated each other. There was plenty of ignoring, annoying, irritation at each other

I think it’s just a sibling thing .. it will play itself out, we are all adults and get in very well. You can’t force a relationship

I don't expect DSS to give him lots of attention. I know there's a big gap and 11yo's don't generally want to play with a 6yo which is understandable and perfectly fine.

It's the completely blanking him as if he isn't there that upsets me. He doesn't deserve that.

Like earlier today, DS only asked him how his day at school was. Why would he need to blank him over that? It's not as though he was being annoying or pestering him.

Edited to add :-

I think the reason it hurts me so much is because DS always gets the shit end of the stick, so to speak. He doesn't make friends easily because of his autism. He doesn't get the party invitations the other children get. No play dates etc.

However he has always been very fond of DSS and really looks up to him.

There is no messy history. DH wasn't in an established relationship with DSC' mother so there's no broken home or toxicity.

Well, there is now, so you're hiding your head in the sand. Sorry.

I do think that you and DH should pick him up on this. You say DH does occasionally, don't you feel able to say something? Just a calm "DS is talking to you, DSS".

I notice that you use quite emotional language in your OP, about being hurt by this. Be reassured that it's very normal for siblings or half siblings with this kind of age gap, address the rudeness but try not to take it personally.

Growing up is difficult and it's even more difficult when your family's all broken up. As previous posters have said this is more than likely just to do with their ages. I would just let your stepson be and he probably grow out of it.

Imo it isn't wrong to expect dss to be kind to his db. Your dh needs to be talking to him. My 2 x ds's are half siblings. Never ever even mentioned...

If it’s any help, my dd(15) is a model child, with only one blind spot that she really doesn’t have much time for humouring my ds (9).

She had a bit more time for her younger siblings who as exh and Sm’s children, but only because they’re a toddler and a baby.

I think it’s a tricky age gap, in short.

That said, the older one does need to be picked up if they’re actively rude, as that’s just making your ds feel small and unimportant in his own home. So it might be natural but it doesn’t mean it should just be allowed to fly entirely.

My exDH had a very similar situation with our DD. He remarried and had a DS with ASD (8 year age gap between them). Our DD also has autistic traits but never been diagnosed. She was completely indifferent to her new brother for years. My ex would call me to discuss it because he was so worried about it, and it understandably upset DD’s stepmum. I had loads of talks with her over the years, and though she was never ‘anti’ her brother, she wasn’t particularly positive either.

Fast forward to now, he’s 11 years old and they’re super close. In fact she’s his favourite person in the world! She still goes to stay with her Dad regularly but it’s more to see her brother. She adores him. With hindsight I think it stemmed from her having been the baby of the family for years. All her siblings and cousins were older (some considerably) and she had zero experience of interacting with anyone younger. Once her DB got a bit older and she learned how to communicate with him, she was fine. I wish I could make some more positive suggestions but other than talking to DSS about it, I think it’s something that will eventually improve with time. Teenage lads are often anti-social awkward little sods at the best of times. I don’t think there’s any quick fix, but don’t give up hope! x

Have you tried gently explaining to your DSS about his brother’s autism and the issues he has to face and how a little kindness to him would really help. Don’t make him feel guilty but encourage compassion.

I’d personally be having a calm word with DSS (or rather get DH to. Just a “ look no one expects you to be best mates but you do have to be polite and acknowledge him, and it’s unkind to not do that”

Surprised more people aren’t saying the same tbh.

You’ve got a DH problem - it’s totally rude and he should pull him up on it. Being kind and treating everyone with respect, asking and answering simple questions like how was your day should be basic minimum standards of how a family operates. Age gaps and teenagerhood have nothing to do with it.

I've prompted him like DH does but it doesn't change anything it still happens.

Honestly, I don't feel comfortable addressing much with DSC as DH is very defensive when it comes to them and prefers I leave things like that to him. He gets shirty if he thinks I'm telling him off and thinks automatically biased given that DS is mine biologically.

Your dh needs to parent his elder son and tell him that his behavior is rude and unacceptable.