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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel hurt by how DSS is towards DS?

106 replies

BonusDC · 11/01/2024 20:04

DSS is 11 and neurotypical. My bio DS is 6 and has autism.

Almost all of the time, whenever DS tries to engage his brother about anything, DSS just blanks him and it hurts me.

Today DSC were here and DS asked him how was his day at school, he looked right at him but didnt answer. I wish it was an isolated thing but it isn't. It happens every time they're together.

Occasionally DH will intervene and say "DSS, DS is talking to you" and DSS will begrudgingly answer him after he blanked him the first few times DS said his name.

DS has tried to use gaming as a 'way in' as DSS is a big gamer and loves roblox etc. If he asks DSS questions about roblox or wants to show him his character he couldn't be less interested and doesn't even pretend to humour him. If my other DSS wants to chat to DSS12 about roblox or gaming he happily engages.

There is no messy history. DH wasn't in an established relationship with DSC' mother so there's no broken home or toxicity. DSS' has a happy home life with his DM, SF and other siblings (the youngest one belonging to her now DH)

DSS used to enjoy DS' company when DS was small and cute but he has no time for him at all any more and sees him as an inconvenience.

DS and DH share a birthday (it's tomorrow) and DSS made a handmade card for DH but not for DS. He knows it's DS birthday tomorrow and remembers clearly that it's the same day as DH but not so much as a "happy birthday for tomorrow" from him when he went home.. yet he spoke with excitement about it being his youngest sisters 1st birthday next Monday.

I know siblings can be annoying and he's entitled to feel however he feels, but surely he should still treat DS with respect?

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 11/01/2024 20:48

They are 2 random kids put together by their parents, it was not their choice

I would expect politeness but that is all

watcherintherye · 11/01/2024 20:49

BonusDC · 11/01/2024 20:31

I don't expect DSS to give him lots of attention. I know there's a big gap and 11yo's don't generally want to play with a 6yo which is understandable and perfectly fine.

It's the completely blanking him as if he isn't there that upsets me. He doesn't deserve that.

Like earlier today, DS only asked him how his day at school was. Why would he need to blank him over that? It's not as though he was being annoying or pestering him.

Edited to add :-

I think the reason it hurts me so much is because DS always gets the shit end of the stick, so to speak. He doesn't make friends easily because of his autism. He doesn't get the party invitations the other children get. No play dates etc.

However he has always been very fond of DSS and really looks up to him.

Edited

Can you possibly have a gentle word with your dss and tell him this? He’s surely old enough to understand how upsetting it might be for your ds to keep being blanked by someone he has high regard for and who used to be nice to him.

SemperIdem · 11/01/2024 20:50

WandaWonder · 11/01/2024 20:48

They are 2 random kids put together by their parents, it was not their choice

I would expect politeness but that is all

They share a father.

Try reading more carefully.

Aishah231 · 11/01/2024 20:50

He needs to be punished if he's rude and made to apologise. But I agree with others it's an age gap thing. My oldest was awful with youngest when they were 5-7 ish. Similar age gap. They just found them annoying. I found it helped if I played with them to neutralise any issues.

Original poster
BonusDC · 11/01/2024 20:50

Menomeno · 11/01/2024 20:40

My exDH had a very similar situation with our DD. He remarried and had a DS with ASD (8 year age gap between them). Our DD also has autistic traits but never been diagnosed. She was completely indifferent to her new brother for years. My ex would call me to discuss it because he was so worried about it, and it understandably upset DD’s stepmum. I had loads of talks with her over the years, and though she was never ‘anti’ her brother, she wasn’t particularly positive either.

Fast forward to now, he’s 11 years old and they’re super close. In fact she’s his favourite person in the world! She still goes to stay with her Dad regularly but it’s more to see her brother. She adores him. With hindsight I think it stemmed from her having been the baby of the family for years. All her siblings and cousins were older (some considerably) and she had zero experience of interacting with anyone younger. Once her DB got a bit older and she learned how to communicate with him, she was fine. I wish I could make some more positive suggestions but other than talking to DSS about it, I think it’s something that will eventually improve with time. Teenage lads are often anti-social awkward little sods at the best of times. I don’t think there’s any quick fix, but don’t give up hope! x

That's so lovely and really encouraging, thank you ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
BonusDC · 11/01/2024 20:52

WandaWonder · 11/01/2024 20:48

They are 2 random kids put together by their parents, it was not their choice

I would expect politeness but that is all

They are siblings. They have the same father.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/01/2024 20:56

Halfmanhalfcake · 11/01/2024 20:43

I’d personally be having a calm word with DSS (or rather get DH to. Just a “ look no one expects you to be best mates but you do have to be polite and acknowledge him, and it’s unkind to not do that”

Surprised more people aren’t saying the same tbh.

Yeah I agree, something like this

Everydayimhuffling · 11/01/2024 20:56

You need to intervene. Not telling him off necessarily, but a calm "DS is talking to you". I do it all the time with my older one, and she has got better at acknowledging her brother. DP and I also say it to each other if one of us has spaced out and not noticed a DC talking. You do need to keep it really calm and matter of fact.

Allthingsdecember · 11/01/2024 20:56

I completely understand that you feel sensitive towards your son being excluded (I have a child with SEN too).

However, I think you are underestimating the emotional impact of having half siblings on a child (especially if you have one in each home). He didn’t get a choice in either of his parents meeting new partners. He didn’t make the decision for them to have children with someone else. Now he has to watch at least one of his half siblings live full time with his parent….whilst he moves between two houses, not fully belonging to either family unit. That’s absolutely huge and I doubt he’s even able to process how he feels about it.

It might not feel fair if he appears to behave differently with his half sibling at his mum’s, but he’s only 11 years old. He isn’t supposed to be able to act fairly and rationally all of the time.

WandaWonder · 11/01/2024 20:59

SemperIdem · 11/01/2024 20:50

They share a father.

Try reading more carefully.

Show quote history

I did, but when you think about it even full biological children are not their by their choice

And the 2 children I presume DSS the extra S stands for step they are not step siblings but half? If not, I'm not sure what it stands for

Is this enough for you?

WandaWonder · 11/01/2024 21:00

You can't force a relationship, but I would continue to correct rudeness

JanefromLondon1 · 11/01/2024 21:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 11/01/2024 21:09

Hi dad needs to have a word. He doesn't need to be his brother's best pal, but (and I say this to my kids) if they can't be nice to one another, be civil. If you can't be civil expect to be told off.

Goldbar · 11/01/2024 21:22

Gently, I think your view on this is influenced by you having a parental relationship with your DS, but not having (and indeed being discouraged from having) a similar relationship with your DSS. Naturally you want your DS to be happy and you want others to behave in a way that makes him happy, but really I think the most you can ask of your DSS is that he is polite and considerate to all members of the family. Your DSS is at a difficult age and has presumably started secondary school recently.... I think kids often aren't sure of themselves at this age and are a bit of a pain to be around. It's not surprising when you think of what they have to contend with that they often lack patience for younger siblings, although obviously outright unkindness should be addressed.

SemperIdem · 11/01/2024 21:23

WandaWonder · 11/01/2024 20:59

I did, but when you think about it even full biological children are not their by their choice

And the 2 children I presume DSS the extra S stands for step they are not step siblings but half? If not, I'm not sure what it stands for

Is this enough for you?

Show quote history

The op is referring to her step son, hence DSS. She quite clearly refers to the boys as being brothers, not step brothers. Them sharing a father is quite clear.

I’m not going to bother philosophising over siblings, step, half or full not being here by choice. On such logic, nobody is alive by choice. Not relevant to the op’s question.

Goldbar · 11/01/2024 21:25

And being asked how your day at school was is one of the most irritating questions anyone can ask a secondary-age child.

Chocolatebuttonns · 11/01/2024 21:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

InAPickle12345 · 11/01/2024 21:46

I don't know, I'm torn on this one.m because of my own experience.

You call them brothers, but they're only half brothers and I think that really does make a difference.

I had a half sister, never wanted her (not my choice obviously) and never got along with her. We were two very different people because we had two very different parents and quite honestly, I resented having to share a house with her. We don't speak at all anymore and haven't for years and I'm more than happy about that.

We had the same age gap as well so maybe that's a factor. If DSS was older, he may be more tolerant. But 11 is a funny age and he may just really not like DS as a person, but is now forced to share a home with him. Obviously it would be nice if he engaged with DS but from what you've said he's not cruel to him is he? He's just ignoring him? I think cruelty deserves to be reprimanded of course, but you can't force someone to like someone else.

And DSS may well resent DS for having his father to himself all the time when DSS only has him part of the time.

How often does DSS visit?

Chocolatebuttonns · 11/01/2024 21:51

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

Original poster
BonusDC · 11/01/2024 22:03

Goldbar · 11/01/2024 21:22

Gently, I think your view on this is influenced by you having a parental relationship with your DS, but not having (and indeed being discouraged from having) a similar relationship with your DSS. Naturally you want your DS to be happy and you want others to behave in a way that makes him happy, but really I think the most you can ask of your DSS is that he is polite and considerate to all members of the family. Your DSS is at a difficult age and has presumably started secondary school recently.... I think kids often aren't sure of themselves at this age and are a bit of a pain to be around. It's not surprising when you think of what they have to contend with that they often lack patience for younger siblings, although obviously outright unkindness should be addressed.

That is literally all I expect of him.

I don't expect him to want to be the best of friends, just to treat him with the respect you'd expect to be shown to anybody else.

OP posts:
InAPickle12345 · 11/01/2024 22:03

@Chocolatebuttonns but OPs DSS is also only a child, maybe not as small, but a child nonetheless and he may be struggling with feelings that are incredibly difficult for a child of his age to process and cope with.

And please don't feel sorry for my sister, she's a terrible human and has caused untold damage to our family. I just recognised her toxicity at a very young age.

maddening · 11/01/2024 22:05

Your dh needs to sort this imo

Chocolatebuttonns · 11/01/2024 22:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

Marblessolveeverything · 11/01/2024 22:07

I think there is a couple of things - half siblings and age difference can be difficult for children to navigate.

But I wonder as you said this happened when your DS became verbal if DS is not able to understand or navigate SEN - I mean in unconsciously?

People can unconsciously pickup on differences and react by retracting I've seen this in teens and adults. It's like their spidey sense picks something up.

Had dh discussed your son's sen with dss ? Has he got an idea of being potentially looking out for him?

Children pick up very strange ideas when clear communication hasn't taken care. I would rule all of the above out as whatever is going on you can't mandate someone to engage with another but you can support someone towards it.

Caerulea · 11/01/2024 22:09

I'm not for the 'It's just an age' thing, smacks a little of 'boys will be boys'.

Dss is being rude & cruel & there's no excuse like being ND, he's choosing to act this way, it's a deliberate act which he knows it's hurting his brother. Your DH needs to intervene if he won't allow you, and have a proper talk with DSS about his behaviour.

From DS pov, his (half) brother is coming into his home, his safe space, being incredibly mean to him & no one is standing up for him. At 11 he knows exactly what he's doing.