To feel hurt by how DSS is towards DS?

[BonusDC]

DSS is 11 and neurotypical. My bio DS is 6 and has autism.

Almost all of the time, whenever DS tries to engage his brother about anything, DSS just blanks him and it hurts me.

Today DSC were here and DS asked him how was his day at school, he looked right at him but didnt answer. I wish it was an isolated thing but it isn't. It happens every time they're together.

Occasionally DH will intervene and say "DSS, DS is talking to you" and DSS will begrudgingly answer him after he blanked him the first few times DS said his name.

DS has tried to use gaming as a 'way in' as DSS is a big gamer and loves roblox etc. If he asks DSS questions about roblox or wants to show him his character he couldn't be less interested and doesn't even pretend to humour him. If my other DSS wants to chat to DSS12 about roblox or gaming he happily engages.

There is no messy history. DH wasn't in an established relationship with DSC' mother so there's no broken home or toxicity. DSS' has a happy home life with his DM, SF and other siblings (the youngest one belonging to her now DH)

DSS used to enjoy DS' company when DS was small and cute but he has no time for him at all any more and sees him as an inconvenience.

DS and DH share a birthday (it's tomorrow) and DSS made a handmade card for DH but not for DS. He knows it's DS birthday tomorrow and remembers clearly that it's the same day as DH but not so much as a "happy birthday for tomorrow" from him when he went home.. yet he spoke with excitement about it being his youngest sisters 1st birthday next Monday.

I know siblings can be annoying and he's entitled to feel however he feels, but surely he should still treat DS with respect?

@Chocolatebuttonns funny enough, if my child doesn't like someone at school, my go to response is 'try to ignore them love', not 'Just be polite to them'.

OP how often is DSS there? Could a course of play therapy help him with his dislike of DS maybe? He may have issues around resentment that could benefit him to work through.

I don't think we can expect too much of 11year olds in this situation to be honest. Like I said, he's still just a child himself in a complicated home situation.

(You can fail to believe it all you like, but the hurt my half sister has caused has absolutely broken my mother over the years and left her a shell of a person and that's something I've had to watch and pick up the pieces after. But let's not derail the thread any further)

☝️ this, he needs a good, calm talking to (guilt trip if you like)......its cruel behaviour. He is old enough to understand the difficulties that his little half brother has to face and should at least be kind to him.

I had a 7 & nearly 5 year old when my last child was born, he did irritate his older brothers sometimes but they could be trusted to be kind to him and even look after him as they got older when I had to work.

Especially with that age gap. It's big at those ages.

My older sister used to ignore and reject me around this age. My mum used to tell me to do reverse psychology - "go and play nicely on your own" so I'd go off to my bedroom and play with the door open and and make it sound like I was having the best time! It worked, she would sidle in and say "can I play?!!'

😂 always worked like a charm. I think maybe they need some kind of shared activity or something your dss can teach your son? Maybe rather than putting pressure on dss to talk, is there something he is v interested in that he can teach or help younger one do ? Maybe dad could take the lead in this though!

My children (who share both biological parents) have a similar age gap and my oldest was horrible to the youngest at that age too. It’s like DS1 suddenly found DS2 really irritating. We came down on DS1 like a ton of bricks, they don’t have to be besties but they did have to be respectful to each other. Fast forward a few years and the oldest is so protective and patient and kind with the youngest. It could well be something he grows out of, it might not be anything to do with having a blended family. You need to be able to address it with him, or at least your husband should.

I agree with this and I would intervene if DH doesn’t .

OP, does DSS ask you questions eg when will tea be ready? If so, I’d ignore him back. When he asks again, I’d be very firm with him. ‘Did you not like it when I ignored you? Don’t do it to DS then. Okay?’

I’d make it clear to DH that I’ll be taking this approach - unless he prefers to deal with it first. In my experience of boys that age, they need a sharp, pointed pull up of how what they are doing to others feels like When it’s done to them.

Your husband needs to teach his son to be kind .
Yes younger siblings can be annoying but there is no excuse for his rudeness . Teaching an older child to show kindness and a small amount of interest in their younger sibling is basic parenting and a skill for life . What kind of adult does he want to have produced ? One who can't demonstrate basic manners and empathy for others ?

My dc themselves would be disgusted if anyone implied their relationship wasn't worthy because they aren't full siblings. Quite some bloody awful responses on here. Dss must be quite a brat to be treating his db like this. Imo. And dh a fucking sap for allowing it.

And I think it's bloody awful what we expect children from separated homes to have to put up with at times, not to mind the logistical issues but the feelings they are expected to process at such young ages of resentment, upset, jealousy, anger etc.

I just think a bit more empathy and a lot of help with working through their feelings and trying to understand their side of things a bit more without just labelling them as rude, or cruel, or brats. It's quite sickening at times to be honest.

There's a reason there are so many of these types of threads on here... because it's bloody hard to be the child of two parents who have separated and then gone on to have two homes, two new families, more children who are not siblings or are half siblings. It's no wonder these children inevitably lash out.

And I say this as a mother of a child who has to go between two homes.

I agree with this. Your ds sounds sweet asking how his day was. Blanking him is unkind. It doesn't sound like your ds is constantly bugging the dss.

Is grin and bear it whilst encouraging your DH to both spend more 1:1 time with him and establish boundaries

both are needed
he’s turning into a (little ) man now and he might be jealous , be struggling at secondary , might need more dad than he’s getting

but it sounds like your DH needs to spend more
time with him and be firmer

He's not being horrid (another lovely slur against this child dealing with separated homes and new families, lovely!) he's ignoring the child, some might see that as cruel, but maybe that's his coping mechanism for the resentment, annoyance or jealousy he feels towards him. Maybe?

Who knows without an in-depth understanding of what he is feeling? A bit of empathy would go a longer way towards rectifying this issue than expecting this DSS to just simply suck it up and be polite. The comments here saying his father needs to dress him down, reprimand him etc to me are ludicrous. Maybe just trying understand what is going on with this child, and help this child understand and process his own feelings would be a far better approach. As I mentioned before, a course of play therapy here could be very beneficial to all involved.

@BonusDC have you posted about this before? With your DS not leaving DSS alone and just wanting to play all the time.

I'm no expert but I have 2 thoughts on this that might be helpful.

Don't overthink. This could be down to DSS being put out about no longer being the only son, but it doesn't sound likely given the history you describe. It's more likely to just be a typical case of an 11 year old being irritated by his younger sibling and too immature to recognise that showing your disdain by ignoring someone is hurtful. This happens in many families.

Try engaging your 11-year-old by appealing to his status as the older, more 'advanced' child rather than pulling him up on poor behaviour. Almost make him complicit as another adult in operation 'managing younger DS' and reward him with gratitude (rather than simple praise) and reward when he engages. He'll respond more positively when he gets something out of it than if he feels forced into engagement.

He's here two nights pw. They both do their own thing for the most part and there's no pressure on DSS to entertain him.

DS doesn't bother him or follow him around expecting him to play all of the time. He's generally content playing by himself or watching bus and train videos on YouTube.

I'm taking notes of the very helpful suggestions made so thanks all for that.

Also I haven't posted about this before no.

@Chocolatebuttonns but he's not taking his emotions out on OPs DS, he's literally just not engaging with this child or showing any emotion towards him at all. And there's a reason why he's doing this.

Does he resent him?
Is he jealous he has his father to himself all the time?
Does he need further education on what autism is and what it means for people in terms of behaviour?

I think teaching children to suck it up and be polite also sets a dangerous precedent and can lead to further resentment and make a situation worse. You need to get to the root cause of this behaviour.

And let's please not forget that this child is only 11. Yes, he's not small. But he's vulnerable. His hormones are probably kicking in and causing havoc. There's numerous reason why he could be acting like this. Simply telling him he has to be 'polite' isn't going to fix it, if anything it will just make it worse.

See, this is a sensible suggestion. Positive reinforcement, engagement, understanding, get buy in from him by giving him a sense of 'olderness', responsibility.

The comments saying just to reprimand this child are just upsetting and anyone that thinks that will work is just wrong in the vast majority of cases.

This child is not blended into this family though, he's there 2 days a week.

Yes, I'm sure OP and her DH consider him and treat him as much a part of the family as their own DS... maybe DSS doesn't see it that way. Nobody knows this until they know this. And they won't know this until they explore the issues with him with empathy and understanding.