To feel hurt by how DSS is towards DS?

[BonusDC]

DSS is 11 and neurotypical. My bio DS is 6 and has autism.

Almost all of the time, whenever DS tries to engage his brother about anything, DSS just blanks him and it hurts me.

Today DSC were here and DS asked him how was his day at school, he looked right at him but didnt answer. I wish it was an isolated thing but it isn't. It happens every time they're together.

Occasionally DH will intervene and say "DSS, DS is talking to you" and DSS will begrudgingly answer him after he blanked him the first few times DS said his name.

DS has tried to use gaming as a 'way in' as DSS is a big gamer and loves roblox etc. If he asks DSS questions about roblox or wants to show him his character he couldn't be less interested and doesn't even pretend to humour him. If my other DSS wants to chat to DSS12 about roblox or gaming he happily engages.

There is no messy history. DH wasn't in an established relationship with DSC' mother so there's no broken home or toxicity. DSS' has a happy home life with his DM, SF and other siblings (the youngest one belonging to her now DH)

DSS used to enjoy DS' company when DS was small and cute but he has no time for him at all any more and sees him as an inconvenience.

DS and DH share a birthday (it's tomorrow) and DSS made a handmade card for DH but not for DS. He knows it's DS birthday tomorrow and remembers clearly that it's the same day as DH but not so much as a "happy birthday for tomorrow" from him when he went home.. yet he spoke with excitement about it being his youngest sisters 1st birthday next Monday.

I know siblings can be annoying and he's entitled to feel however he feels, but surely he should still treat DS with respect?

Some ppl really hate kids, DSS isn’t a little shit he is a child behaving in an undesirable way and needs to be assisted out of it.

I think DH explaining to DSS that it isn’t on is best (and it probably won’t be a single explanation as kids forget esp when not permanently there), you could even do a family meeting about how we treat each other without explicitly calling DSS out.

I have sympathy for DS, it isn’t on but bullying DSS out of it won’t help, he is a child too, and DSS needs help to recognise that DS has feelings too and this isn’t on.

My DC is sometimes ignored by a relative in this manner - I always give a pleasant ‘x is speaking to you can you respond please’, and every so often state how rude and unkind it is to ignore someone.

Re split families, at age 11 I really struggled with my family structure just because it’s always been that way doesn’t mean that DSS won’t have new understanding/conflicted feeling as he grows.

Theres a danger in putting adult understanding on kids and forgetting that their perception changes as they mature.

About whether DS' autism is severe, it's a difficult question to answer really. He has a spiky profile.

He was non verbal until 4+ so I guess you could say he was severely affected, but he's made some incredible progress over the last 2 years since he started at a specialist school. He has now outgrown them, so to speak, and is working at a much higher level than his peers there (he's in the top 10% I'm told) so he will be transitioning to mainstream as they feel he is "high functioning"

I've spoke about him on MN before (not in relation to DSS though) so some might recognise him from my description.

His behaviour was incredibly challenging before he learned to speak and he was a very frustrated little boy. Lots of meltdowns and tears, but DSS was absolutely fine with him at that point, even though it would have been perfectly understandable if he wanted to avoid him a bit at that age - but he didn't.

He loved playing with him and was so patient and understanding if he had a meltdown or needed some time out.

I don't know why things have changed as DS is much better company now, enjoys games like DSS, you can have a conversation with him and he's alot more receptive to other people.

If it is resentment then it must be some repressed resentment from the early years as DS is a fab little brother now, if I do say so myself.

I agree DSS needs to be given the opportunity to be completely honest about how he feels so we can help him work through it.

He sounds sweet and mature to ask how dss's day went. Certainly has better social skills than the dss!

He really is such a sweet little boy with an amazing mind 🙂 I'm very proud of him.

People always jump all over the blended family / stepchild thing on here. And every bad behaviour always has to be caused by some deep trauma, apparently.

It might be that, but... It sounds to me like your DSS might just be being a bit of a rude 11yo.

If your husband isn't going to be supportive of you, and continually suggests you show favouritism, it's probably best to take a step back from the parenting role with DSS. That means DH needs to step up and pull him up on his rudeness. All he has to say is 'alright thanks' when asked how his day was.

Yup I think this is pretty much it.