To feel hurt by how DSS is towards DS?

[BonusDC]

DSS is 11 and neurotypical. My bio DS is 6 and has autism.

Almost all of the time, whenever DS tries to engage his brother about anything, DSS just blanks him and it hurts me.

Today DSC were here and DS asked him how was his day at school, he looked right at him but didnt answer. I wish it was an isolated thing but it isn't. It happens every time they're together.

Occasionally DH will intervene and say "DSS, DS is talking to you" and DSS will begrudgingly answer him after he blanked him the first few times DS said his name.

DS has tried to use gaming as a 'way in' as DSS is a big gamer and loves roblox etc. If he asks DSS questions about roblox or wants to show him his character he couldn't be less interested and doesn't even pretend to humour him. If my other DSS wants to chat to DSS12 about roblox or gaming he happily engages.

There is no messy history. DH wasn't in an established relationship with DSC' mother so there's no broken home or toxicity. DSS' has a happy home life with his DM, SF and other siblings (the youngest one belonging to her now DH)

DSS used to enjoy DS' company when DS was small and cute but he has no time for him at all any more and sees him as an inconvenience.

DS and DH share a birthday (it's tomorrow) and DSS made a handmade card for DH but not for DS. He knows it's DS birthday tomorrow and remembers clearly that it's the same day as DH but not so much as a "happy birthday for tomorrow" from him when he went home.. yet he spoke with excitement about it being his youngest sisters 1st birthday next Monday.

I know siblings can be annoying and he's entitled to feel however he feels, but surely he should still treat DS with respect?

He has a reasonable understanding of autism and how it presents. DS was diagnosed age 2.5 and we've been very open with DSS about it all and how his autism affects XYZ, etc.

DSS also has experience of other children with autism in his school, though I realise every child with ASD is different.

@Chocolatebuttonns saying that I wouldn't care about the OPs DS's feelings is simply untrue. But the fact is, he has a stable home with two parents who obviously love him and are there for him 24/7. DSS has a very complicated home life and that's an awful lot for a child of 11 to deal with.

Telling him to suck up his own feelings, and engage with a child, that for one reason or another he does not want to engage with just tells this child 'I don't care how you're feeling, you're upsetting DS and that's what matters, be better'. There are better ways to approach this situation.

And yes, I think it's a dangerous thing to teach a child to be polite 'just because I say so'. Many children have been hurt by this rhetoric.

I don't think it's a general resentment thing as he used to be absolutely fine with him and actively sought him out to play.

I have lovely memories of DSS chasing him through the house (playing) and DS being in fits of laughter.

It's made me a bit emosh thinking about that actually. I would go as far as to say DSS used to love him.

Sadly I think it's a case of DSS just not liking DS as a person now he's grown up a bit and isn't the little chubby toddler anymore.

..which is fine, I guess, but i still want him to be kind to him. That's all.

@Chocolatebuttonns Look, I've said my piece, as the child of separated parents, and as the parent of a child with separated parents who has had to navigate this situation, and doing quite well given my sons sense of confidence and feeling of security now he's a teen.

You're the argumentative one so I'm just going to stop engaging with you.

OP, I wish you and your family all the best x

This. I’d feel sad about this too OP.

Totally get that but he is still only 11. His reasonable understanding won’t be the same as an adults.

I have a sibling, 8 years younger than me. Adored them when they were tiny but generally wasn’t keen/found them annoying when they were between the ages of 5-14.

I was quite rightly challenged by our parents (including step parent) every time I behaved poorly towards them.

We’ve been very close since they were about 15, both very much adults now and are closer than most closer in age adult siblings.

It is absolutely right that your step son’s rudeness towards his little brother is challenged in the right way and he’s guided to behave more kindly.

Personally having experience of a similar situation I think step son is a nasty little shit and your husband is enabling his nasty behaviour.

Wow... I'd be really interested what experience you've had that has led you to call an 11 year old child a 'nasty little shit'?

I have a great nephew, he has two younger half siblings, one from his mum, one from his dad. He is absolutely lovely with both of them, so kind and caring. He's nine.

It's pretty weird that your eleven year old SS has started behaving this way towards his half brother, when he didn't before. It's rude and unkind and eleven is plenty old enough to understand this and to develop a bit of empathy and manners.His dad should be guiding him in this, or what sort of teenager and man will he become?

They are half brothers. Different mothers.

I don't think it is an age gap thing because my elder DS is 8 years older than his younger brother but always has been lovely with him. They are both adults now and still quite close despite living 150 miles apart. They visit each other for a weekend here and there and message and will play games together sometimes. I think your DSS is being a bit mean to your DS.

He resents him.

I have a db with about the same age gap. He ignored my at that age, I ignored my younger sister, who I regarded as a complete pain at that age. Not friendly, I know, but fairly normal.

You've tried explaining to him, he needs to cut younger ds some slack, but he is still only 11. He will probably grow out of it.

OP I think you are quite dismissive of any potential issues your DSC might have by saying there is no messy history, no broken family.

I don’t know if both DSC have the same mother as you say your DH didn’t have an established relationship with DSS12’s mother or if there are 3 families rather than two involved here.
Either way your DSS either has one full and at least 2 half siblings in 2 different families, or 3 half siblings from 3 different families.
It is a lot for an 11 year old to deal with. Lots of different complicated family dynamics.

Yes , if you want a good relationship between the boys, remind him not to ignore your DS but try to be more open and understanding about what he might be dealing with.

Since when did sharing one parent not make you brothers/sisters??

DSS needs pulling on his behaviour, it isn't nice and he needs teaching how to be kinder.

Of course siblings fight and often can't be arsed with each other, but they should have a basic level of respect and love for one another. Responding to conversation and wishing them a happy birthday isn't a lot to expect.

Your DH sounds like a bad father if he is letting his older DS ignore his younger DS without pulling him up on his nastiness whether your DS is ASD or not. If he won't address it then you should regardless of how your DH feels. A reminder that being kind is nice is all that is needed.

definitely agree with this. I feel so sorry for your little boy being completely ignored when directly asking a question of his older brother. This is bullying by the older brother. Please protect your son.

OP there is a potential elephant in the room - your DS’ autism.

As he was diagnosed at 2.5 I’m guessing that he must be fairly severely autistic. Is he in mainstream school? Specialist education? How does his autism generally affect the dynamic of the family?

Because for DSS he only sees his father for two days a week, and whether we like to admit it or not, a disability can have an impact on the rest of the children. There are plenty of threads on here from siblings of disabled children talking about the difficulties of having a disabled sibling and the impact that had on their childhood, and as much as DS’ autism is something which can’t be helped, the impact on other children also needs to be considered.
Your DSS may have an understanding of autism, but is he expected to come second to it as well as to only be a part time member of the family?
IMO a conversation is necessary to establish exactly what the issues are here. But it needs to be a frank conversation, where DSS is permitted to be totally honest about his feelings. Because until he is permitted to be honest, everything is just guesswork. And giving him permission to be honest includes being able to voice his feelings over his sibling, even if that’s not something you’re potentially going to want to hear. But only after you/ve heard it can the issues be addressed or reassurances given.

DH should be pulling him up on it every time, nothing big or emotive, just pointing out DS is speaking and its rude to ignore someone. This is what I do when my 8 year old ignores his 7 year old brother in this way. DSS needs to answer politely, but then if he's saying he wants to be left alone DS should be distracted to do something else. Him ignoring his little brother doesnt necessary mean he doesn't love him. My 8 year old regularly does this to his little brother as he finds him annoying, but he does love him.

Call him out on it and tell him to stop being a little shit. No way would I have gotten away with this with my parents.

I'd flip it around if you don't feel comfortable addressing it with dss. So say to ds "ds leave dss alone for now when he ignores you like that he's being rude and mean to you you don't want people treating you that way let go [distraction]"

Speaking as an autistic adult I would have really appreciated being taught what mean and bullying looked like so I put the time and effort trying to make friends into the right people and didn't get taken advantage of because I couldn't tell

It's not unreasonable to expect DSS to be polite and just acknowledge his brother, even if just to say 'no, i don't want to do xyz' . You are though UR to be 'hurt', a bit upset yes but hurt? No. This isn't behaviour towards you.