Can I ask them to pay? play date dilemma, need advice!

[Amislytherin]

My daughter attends a sensory group (she has ADHD and sensory issues once a week). out of this group have come some lovely friendships between the mums, one in particular. We sometimes meet for a play out with the group and yesterday was one of these days and we met at my house. Her son was very hyped up with my daughter and they were playing nicely if a little on the boisterous side (which I more than understand as both have significant sensory needs)
Anyway, I’d asked them both several times to stop running around so fast, and then directly asked her son to stop gently while holding quite a heavy sensory ball that he always carries. I was worried he’d hurt himself or bang into my 1.5 year old who was toddling around. My friend was trying to catch up on work emails at the time so was aware but distracted. .
next thing I know, there is a bang and a smash and we run upstairs to see that the window has been cracked by the ball being thrown at it. It’s a huge crack and will 100% need replaced as looks like it can shatter at any time.
cue hysterics from all kids, me trying to calm everyone down and mainly just checking no one was hurt which luckily they weren’t. My friend left shortly afterwards saying she was sorry, this often happens in their home so she knows how annoying it is and she can send me the number of their glazier.
sure enough she sent me
the number last night with a “sorry about today, here is X number they are really
good. See you at the group next week, remember it’s dress up day xx”
I guess I was hoping / assuming she’d offer to pay but she hasn’t. I’m now in awkward position as my default is to just leave it and avoid confrontation but I really really can’t afford a glazier cost of what I’m estimating to be around £200-250 as it’s a slightly awkward shaped double glazed window.
Is it reasonable to ask Her to pay for it? Go halves? or do I just suck it up and stick it on my credit card and accept it’s part of play dates? We don’t have any other play dates so I don’t really know what’s the norm for breakages in someone else’s house ☹️thank you in advance

I wouldn’t have dared leave your home without demanding to pay if we caused damage to your home. Wow. What an incredible cheek. Sorry OP, but your allowing yourself to be walked all over. You need to ask for the money to cover damages ASAP!

How do you know your DD didn't try and get the ball and there was a tussle resulting in the ball hitting the window? I don't think you're in a position to ask friend to pay when neither of you saw what happened. In future I'd keep the children where you can see them, no playing upstairs alone!

Everyone is focusing on being ‘right’.
I have an SN child and I have let things slide. For one friends aren’t easy to find, you tend to take a different approach with accepting quirks and mistakes. Friendships become more valuable and worlds with links are smaller. Also, my child and I have been forgiven some big things in the name of SN. It’s quid pro quo. This time your child breaks it, next time there’s. There’s more accidents, hurt feeling and property damage with SN. My own child is a sensory seeker, I’ll never forget when she managed to sneak off and perfectly coat my friends bathroom in minutes in a perfectly even layer of toothpaste EVERYWHERE. My friend was so gracious and insisted she’d clean it. Therefore I was feeling kind when her child mopped my curtains… with a mop they’d mopped the mud outside with. It’s impossible to perfectly monitor them every second, you get tired, distracted … it only takes a second.
The OP has lost a social contact, even if she was ‘right’. Her home is now a source of potential problems, hard to watch everywhere, a high insurance premium and being charged. It’s a risk to go, and also socially dead now. Her daughter lost a friend pretty much. The group may even be awkward, and others may drop off tbh. Yes not ‘right’, but it’s likely. For the sake of about £100, 50%, a long term loss. For me that’s not worth it.
Her dd also has SN, which makes it likely that at some point she’ll be on the other end of this. I have been. It’s hard. It makes you want to hide in your house forever and only leave to visit large open fields. I’ve had so much gracious acceptance, and I’m thankful for it and try to pay to back.

I can’t believe she’s just ignored your message. I’d have offered to pay there and then

Your message was nice. You've explained you're asking out of necessity rather than pettiness about whose 'fault' it was. When children play roughly inside, something is going to break or someone is going to get hurt.

I do think the children should have been supervised by you because it is your home. If they went into your bedroom and rummaged through your private belongings, I imagine you'd be the adult to go upstairs to stop it rather than the visitor's mother?

50/50 is fair enough if you are sure her son was responsible.

Sometimes when people are wealthy (and from what you said this woman is), then they don't see a couple of hundred pounds being something to worry about. That isn't the case for you and you are right to explain this to her.

This ^^

Whatever you do, don't ask if her she'd mind going halves with you.

The woman has a glazier on her phone ffs! Her kid, his heavy ball - he broke your window.

Whatever you do, don't do that thing you've just done? Unhelpful.

Just saw what you did send - and she's ignored it.

Utter cheeky cow.

She can pay out of her DLA. That's what it's bloody for tbh. My son chews and breaks things when he's stressed. That's what his DLA pays for. Her son breaks windows.

I would 100% be happy to lose her friendship over this.

I hope you get it sorted without losing a friendship over this.

I hope she does reply!!
Your message was polite and clear
In her shoes, I would've insisted I cover the bill
She was a CF sitting checking her emails, when she knows her DS carries a heavy ball around and previous accidents have happened at her home
£200 is a lot of money on an unplanned expense
She can use her DS DLA to cover the cost.
I know you feel awkward, but that's because you're considerate
It doesn't seem like she is

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no don't go halves, she pays full amount.

Can you share photo of the window?

You've been more than fair. It seems clear that her son did this damage, and in my opinion, when your child damages things, you offer to pay for the repair. It's a window, not as though you had priceless figurines left out in harm's way!

If she doesn't at least pay 50% (and do so graciously), I'd never have her over to my home again. She can host or you can meet in other places, but I'd not trust her to do the decent thing if another window were broken, or a hole put into a wall, etc.

“Ah thanks, that’s great. I’ll let you know what they come back with and we can work out how best to split it.”

My son is a bit younger than hers but is a thrower. Firstly she should be supervising him not checking emails etc and second yes 100% she should pay. If it means losing a friendship then so be it. She's not a nice friend anyway

Why were neither of you adequately supervising kids who need that level of supervision which you fully acknowledge and understand?

@RedToothBrush she's answered that a few times already

I haven’t read the full thread and this may be a different scenario but a similar thing happened to me. I was at a very good friend’s house and my DS (under 3 at the time) was tipping on his chair at the dinner table. I told him to stop. I went round the other side of the table to help DD with her dinner, he tipped his chair again, it fell backwards and banged hard against the wall. Luckily he was fine and my friend and I were relieved but it was a heavy dining chair and it chipped the paint work and dented the plaster on the wall. I was mortified and offered to pay and to be honest I thought she’d say don’t worry about it (all our DC we’re young at the time, we spent a lot of time in each other’s homes and our houses were both a bit battered!). But next day she sent me a decorator’s quote and asked me for the money. I was suprised (I don’t think I’d have asked her for the money), but I paid. She was a fabulous friend in all respects and ultimately my DS was my responsibility and it was absolutely not worth falling out over it. Years later she’s still my most treasured friend so it was worth it! If your friend values you, she’ll pay up.

I think this is a bit inflammatory if she hadn’t offered, which it seems she hasn’t. Why not just be straight and say could we share the cost in the circumstances?

Op I have read your update. Your message was perfect. I hope it works out for you. I think you are wise to want to try not to implode the friendships, yet I think in the circumstances 50/50 is fair. Your message captures those competing concerns brilliantly. You can’t control her response but I can’t see his you could have handled it any better.

Annoyingly it's not straightforward, it should be 50/50 as you both failed to watch the kids properly. But if she won't agree to it, not much you can do

I don't see that as likely.

Part of socializing is accepting that sometimes guests have mishaps in your home. It's not really on to send them a bill for that.

It would have been kind of her to offer, but I would not have asked her to contribute. I don’t really think this is a situation where it’s her “responsibility” or “fault,” per se - you don’t know for sure what happened (although you have a good guess), the children have special needs, and unfortunately they were both very briefly on their own, which you bear some responsibility for. When people especially children come to my house, things sometimes get damaged - that’s just the way it goes unfortunately. I expect people to express remorse but nothing else. I try to avoid having certain guests in certain situations in my home to avoid something getting damaged that would really bother me.

@LaurieStrode

Part of socialising is offering to pay when you or your child breaks something valuable. Do you really believe you're entitled to damage other people's property with abandon and then swan out thinking 'oh well, that's the risk they took inviting us'.

I can't say I'd be inviting you back.

No, personally as the guest I would pay for the repair. Because I can afford it.

But I'd never stoop to dunning a guest about a child's accident. That's just crass and tacky.