Can I ask them to pay? play date dilemma, need advice!

[Amislytherin]

My daughter attends a sensory group (she has ADHD and sensory issues once a week). out of this group have come some lovely friendships between the mums, one in particular. We sometimes meet for a play out with the group and yesterday was one of these days and we met at my house. Her son was very hyped up with my daughter and they were playing nicely if a little on the boisterous side (which I more than understand as both have significant sensory needs)
Anyway, I’d asked them both several times to stop running around so fast, and then directly asked her son to stop gently while holding quite a heavy sensory ball that he always carries. I was worried he’d hurt himself or bang into my 1.5 year old who was toddling around. My friend was trying to catch up on work emails at the time so was aware but distracted. .
next thing I know, there is a bang and a smash and we run upstairs to see that the window has been cracked by the ball being thrown at it. It’s a huge crack and will 100% need replaced as looks like it can shatter at any time.
cue hysterics from all kids, me trying to calm everyone down and mainly just checking no one was hurt which luckily they weren’t. My friend left shortly afterwards saying she was sorry, this often happens in their home so she knows how annoying it is and she can send me the number of their glazier.
sure enough she sent me
the number last night with a “sorry about today, here is X number they are really
good. See you at the group next week, remember it’s dress up day xx”
I guess I was hoping / assuming she’d offer to pay but she hasn’t. I’m now in awkward position as my default is to just leave it and avoid confrontation but I really really can’t afford a glazier cost of what I’m estimating to be around £200-250 as it’s a slightly awkward shaped double glazed window.
Is it reasonable to ask Her to pay for it? Go halves? or do I just suck it up and stick it on my credit card and accept it’s part of play dates? We don’t have any other play dates so I don’t really know what’s the norm for breakages in someone else’s house ☹️thank you in advance

Her son is non verbal but uses Makaton sign language and signed “I’m sorry” when I ran into the room asking if everyone was ok and saw the window. I just reassured him and my daughter it was ok as they were frightened by the noise and the cracked glass.

My
DD is verbal and said he threw it but I am not placing all nlqmw
on him as he has additional needs and it wasn’t done maliciously, just impulsively. But technically there were no adult witnesses
as it happened SO fast.

*blame

I think that’s ok, and it’s way better than the suggestion of pretending you had no idea, and she was to pay for it all. I’d have no respect for that

im assuming she didn’t offer as she can’t afford it. Could this be the case?

I don’t know. As far as I know they’re not struggling financially -
recent new car, visiting private
schools
to find best secondary school for additional needs, went to Florida over
new year….i know you never know other people’s money troubles but they don’t seem to be struggling from what I know.

Sorry op. Your friend should have offered immediately and should not be giving you radio silence now. What a nightmare

You did the right thing and she should be responsible for her child's actions, especially when she visited with him. Still can't believe she allows him him to carry a heavy ball like that?! 😳

I hope the friend does the right thing.

If that were my child I would 100% offer at the time to pay the lot.

If that’s the case she can afford a couple of hundred quid.

unless, does she work, does she have her own money? Free access to money? Or might she need to ask for it? And have a problem?

I guess I am trying to find a reason why anyone would not immediately offer.

QUOTE
My friend left shortly afterwards saying she was sorry, this often happens in their home so she knows how annoying it is and she can send me the number of their glazier.

This is the part that stands out to me, she knew these things happen but wasn’t supervising her son enough, I’m glad you asked for the money , I think you were gracious to ask 50/50.

You are far too gracious!
If my child has done that in a friends house, I would pay without a thought. This woman is not a friend… I’m afraid that you’re likely to get radio silence from her over this.

If so, I’d consider the friendship dead.

Sorry op but If you didn't see him do it I don't see how you can justify asking her to paying towards it.

Yeah, it's highly likely he did do it, but you didn't actually see him

I'm conflicted on this, because on one hand you say the boy never lets go of the ball and on the other, you say he must have thrown the ball at the window. You didn't see him do it. It might have been your child who got the ball off him and threw it. I wouldn't have asked her to pay half, unless I was 100% certain her child had caused the damage.

He admitted it.

It was his ball that he doesn't let go of.

He was seen running towards the room 20 seconds earlier.

He has done the exact same thing multiple times at his own home.

They're 8 and can likely explain what happened.

I don't think there's any reasonable argument that he didn't do it.

Don’t understand how you could conceive of asking her to pay if you are not 100% sure her son was solely responsible, and as they were unsupervised you can’t know for sure. You can’t charge her on a hunch, sorry.

I think you're reading 'never lets go' too literally. His mother said he's thrown it through multiple windows at their own home. So it's not that it's permanently attached to his hand.

I think she means he always has it, it's not a toy he shares and that he would have had a meltdown if she'd suddenly taken it off him as he ran upstairs.

I'm not sure here.

Were you supervising them one each, or you were supervising both of them and giving her some time to catch up on her emails? It sounds to me that it happened kind of on your watch (maybe implicitly), and I would say that the costs should be picked up by the responsible adult, whoever it was at the moment.

I just want to say well done OP for sending the message. I know exactly how you feel right now. It's absolutely awful. But, I absolutely agree the payment needs to be at least split 50:50 as it's very likely that the little boy caused the damage though you'll never be certain.
Fingers crossed the other mum is sensible and does the right thing.

I can't get over how rude 'trying to catch up on work emails' is during a play date.

I can see answering one unexpected email that was urgent or apologetically having to respond to a crisis. But to arrive at a play date, sat in someone's living room as a guest and think 'oh good, some free time to attend to my inbox' is just so oblivious and rude towards the OP. Even putting aside she has a rambunctious child with SN running around with a heavy object in someone else's home.

I think 50-50 split seems sensible. Also very reasonable on your part. I think if she refuses then that’s probably the end of your friendship as she doesn’t value you. Hope she comes up with a reasonable response.

Fairly sure isn't enough. And you can't be annoyed she wasn't supervising her child as you weren't supervising yours

My child broke something at a playdate. I was mortified and immediately offered to pay for a replacement (turns out nobody liked said item so were happy for it not to be replaced) buy I did then buy next meal out. If she hasn't offered to pay I don't think she is the best of friends really and worth losing friendship for if you really can't afford the replacement. I would explain to her you can't afford the replacement and could she contribute towards the cost.

I think 50 50 seems fairest

Wow she definitely has to at least pay half.

I agree with @littlefireseverywhere - broaching 50/50 is totally decent and if she doesn't agree, she isn't.

Sorry op, I see she works. So has money.

I can’t get my head round why she’d not offer to pay.

is she as sure as you are he did it? Or did she think as she was doing work emails you were supervising? As such it was your responsibility?

maybe she thinks if your child broke something in her home, she’d never ask you to pay. So is surprised by the request. But even then you’d respond immediately and say of course.