Can I ask them to pay? play date dilemma, need advice!

[Amislytherin]

My daughter attends a sensory group (she has ADHD and sensory issues once a week). out of this group have come some lovely friendships between the mums, one in particular. We sometimes meet for a play out with the group and yesterday was one of these days and we met at my house. Her son was very hyped up with my daughter and they were playing nicely if a little on the boisterous side (which I more than understand as both have significant sensory needs)
Anyway, I’d asked them both several times to stop running around so fast, and then directly asked her son to stop gently while holding quite a heavy sensory ball that he always carries. I was worried he’d hurt himself or bang into my 1.5 year old who was toddling around. My friend was trying to catch up on work emails at the time so was aware but distracted. .
next thing I know, there is a bang and a smash and we run upstairs to see that the window has been cracked by the ball being thrown at it. It’s a huge crack and will 100% need replaced as looks like it can shatter at any time.
cue hysterics from all kids, me trying to calm everyone down and mainly just checking no one was hurt which luckily they weren’t. My friend left shortly afterwards saying she was sorry, this often happens in their home so she knows how annoying it is and she can send me the number of their glazier.
sure enough she sent me
the number last night with a “sorry about today, here is X number they are really
good. See you at the group next week, remember it’s dress up day xx”
I guess I was hoping / assuming she’d offer to pay but she hasn’t. I’m now in awkward position as my default is to just leave it and avoid confrontation but I really really can’t afford a glazier cost of what I’m estimating to be around £200-250 as it’s a slightly awkward shaped double glazed window.
Is it reasonable to ask Her to pay for it? Go halves? or do I just suck it up and stick it on my credit card and accept it’s part of play dates? We don’t have any other play dates so I don’t really know what’s the norm for breakages in someone else’s house ☹️thank you in advance

@Amislytherin, I think you've done the right thing asking for a contribution rather that the whole thing. If she's ignoring your message, I'd assume it's for one of two reasons:

1. she's also struggling financially (albeit this doesn't sound likely given your PP) and isn't sure she can afford to cover the cost. She'll get back to you when she's looked into what she can afford. 2)she's taken aback by the request as she wasn't expecting your to ask for it. Maybe she thinks it's unreasonable and wouldn't expect you to pay if the situation was reversed. If this is the case, she'll either agree to pay to 'save' the friendship and put the situation to bed or refuse telling you that you were watching the kids and to get the insurance to cover it.

If she does refuse, I think you'll have no choice but to accept this, front the whole cost of repair and move on knowing the friendship probably won't recover. Hopefully this doesn't happen!

It's not nice having to disclose your financial struggles and be met with radio silence so I hope she gets back to you soon (and even better if she agrees to pay!).

Spot on. Take strength from this great comment. Tell her you need her to pay for the damage.

@LaurieStrode

Is it an accident though if the child throws it at the window? And does this so often his mother has a glass repairer on hand?

It's deliberate on the child's part. Not supervising, knowing he has a tendency to do this, is careless on the mother's part.

They've made a choice to give him a soothing object that is heavy and can cause damage. I totally get why they'd give it to him but they assume that risk, not OP.

Suspect the other mum will not be replying.

I'm still astounded kids were unsupervised. I'm on tenter hooks whenever I take my son out. He also throws things in excitement as a sensory need. She knows he does it at home so should be extra vigilant when out. That in itself would really annoy me.

Couple of thing that could make it a grey area. Did she ask if it was alright if she just caught up with some emails? You both have SEND kids and understand the difficulties and how time consuming they are, so perhaps she felt she could trust you to take over and shadow him while she did that. If she didn't ask, I'd assume she was responsible for him and should have shadowed herself.

Perhaps the only time he has ever thrown the ball is when someone has tried to snatch it from him and your friends knows that. Is it possible this is what your DD did and that is why he ran and threw it?

In that situation, I could see why friend might think it is your responsibility, especially as those who are very financially secure often just don't realise not everyone has savings for things like this.

Eeek I hope she replies.

She should 100% pay! CF for not offering!

I'm just glad this ball -heavy enough to crack a window - wasn't thrown at OP's 1.5 year old's head.

It sounds an incredibly dangerous thing to be bringing into other people's houses. And if the child's mother has a glazier on hand she is well aware of the risks. I find it difficult to believe something so dangerous is absolutely the only sensory item that can help this child and I really think it's not fair to be bringing it into that sort of situation, especially where younger children are present.

The mother should not be checking work emails when her child is walking around with something she knows has already shattered several windows in her own house. OP presumably wasn't aware of this prior to the playdate.

Honestly I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who is so reckless and selfish.

Did she respond op?

No reply yet so now already dreading our group next week☹️
A few have asked if we’d agreed she could check her emails-
it wasn’t formal like that- we’d had a pot of tea while the kids played (boisterously, as they always do, hello ADHD) and she said she just needed to respond to a couple of emails- she was still talking on and and off
to me as she tapped away so didn’t feel rude, more like "i just remembered I have
to reply to this customer" so it wasn't "can you keep eyes on my
DS while I work". She has her own small business so didn't feel rude she took out
her phone to do a bit of admin as I made more tea. As I've explained my
flat is tiny with 2 rooms + bathroom downstairs and my room up a small set of stairs so as long as they were downstairs they were in and out my kitchen- living room constantly so were supervised. and both kids move like lightening so even if I had been tailgating them which would feel odd in my tiny flat (different if i lived in a huge house) i still likely wouldn't have been fast enough to chase them upstairs and wrestle the ball as it happened SO fast.

Oh that’s bad, I’m sorry, I’m shocked she’s not responded.

is there a potential she thinks your daughter did it?

@Amislytherin

I think it's clear that more intense supervision wouldn't have made any difference. Kids run around on a play date, you can hardly ground tackle them when they go towards the wrong room.

If you'd written on here saying 'I had a SEN child over for a play date and he headed towards my bedroom with his sensory object so obviously I threw my body in his path to physically remove him and then confiscated his sensory object even though his mother lets him have it and it caused a massive meltdown. AIBU?' What would people be advising you then?

You didn't do anything wrong.

It was her decision to give him the heavy ball. She didn't warn you that he has a tendency to smash windows with it. It was her decision to attend to her work emails at that moment instead of monitoring her son.

He was not in your care at that moment. He was in his mother's care and she wasn't paying attention.

It's great that they get out and about and still have play dates. She's fortunate to have a friend like you who understands and accommodates the loud ADHD play dates in your small space. But it's still on her to make good on the damage.

She's a cheeky bitch IMO.

No matter what happens with your friendship, I wouldn't be having her over again.

What if he'd thrown the ball at your toddler while she tapped away at her emails?

Is she normally a quick replier?

I'd be inclined to send a quick follow up message some time today to say 'I hope I haven't offended you?' rather than you feeling dread for however long until playgroup.

Just to clarify, asking for half payment from her is not offensive in the slightest, and any decent friend would have immediately offered to split the cost, but it just lets her know that you're not happy to be left hanging and would prefer some sort of dialogue about it rather than radio silence.

If she thinks she's not responsible but doesn't want to ruin the friendship she would have offered to pay half straight away, albeit grudgingly, if she's hoping by leaving it you'll get the message that she doesn't want to and be awkward enough to drop it then she isn't a very good friend.. I get the impression she a keep her head down sort of person that's why she scarpered PDQ when it happened.

OP said she’s normally an instant replier so looks like she’s ignoring the message..

If she can afford to go to Florida, she can afford half the cost of your window.

I'm so sorry, OP, if you have lost a friend, but you couldn't have afforded her anyway, what with her child being a frequent window breaker.

I suspect you’ll be ghosted and friendship over OP but quite frankly I think you can do without someone like that.

I used to know a few parents who admitted to not supervising their kids, other people’s things getting broken, and them scarpering before it was noticed so they wouldn’t have to pay. Some people just have shitty morals unfortunately.

I am disgusted at your friend op. She sounds like she is not short of a few bob and you have told her you can't afford to fully pay for the repairs HER son caused so her response is to ghost you.

DO NOT ask if you have offended her as suggested up the thread. This makes you sound as though you are in the wrong which you most certainly are not

All you can do next week at playgroup, if you haven’t heard from your friend, is fake it - be cheerful, smile, say hello to your friend, engage in small talk, join in group conversations and don’t let yourself feel edged out or anything. Don’t feel you can’t join in, in a group chat that your friend is in. If either your DD of the boy ask if he can go to your house, just smile and say, sorry, not today.

The thing is that if you were all in a cafe, she would have to pay. If you were in her home, she would have to pay? Why should you pay simply because you allowed them into your house?

I think the friendship has been ruined now anyway, given her lack of response.

That’s good advice.

I have a sneaking feeling 'friend' won't be attending playgroup this week. It sounds like she's avoiding OP at all costs and probably won't want to risk running into her.

OP, might be worth sending a follow up message before next week to get the awkwardness out of the way if she does show: 'Hi Friend, I haven't heard back from you after I suggested splitting the cost of the window repair. I recognise it might have come as a surprise to you but feel that it's fair since both kids seem to be involved at it was X's ball. I'd like to know where I stand in regards to your contribution as I need to try and organise my finances before the glazier fits the new window. Enjoy your weekend.'

Totally agree. Also, in not replying to you, you might be having to delay getting the window fixed which is inconvenient and a security risk.
She sounds awful and to my mind it’ll be no loss if you’re no longer friends with her after this.