Told she was IVF

[Timbuck3]

Name changed for this:
My wife and I had a child and wanted a second. Wife couldn't conceive again so we went down the IVF route and she fell pregnant. Daughter was born. Wife asked me whether we should tell daughter she was conceived using IVF and I said, Yes, definitely, but only when the time was right.
Wife has asked a few times since and I've always said not yet.
In September last year we were having a discussion, can't remember about what exactly, but it came out that my daughter knew about her being IVF. I froze! My daughter said "I've known since March. Mum told me on my 16th birthday!"
I was furious! I should have been part of that conversation! I wouldn't have told her then because she was just coming up to doing her GCSEs, but she would have been told soon enough.
When I finally calmed down enough to properly discuss this with my wife, she just said, "Sorry, I didn't think it was that big a deal". Even though I'd told her often enough that i didn't think it was the right time.

I'm not saying that it had to be when I said so, but i think a decision like this should definitely have been a joint one with almost a power of veto.
I've deleted the poll as I'm not looking for a score, but just wanted opinions because despite it being months ago, I'm still seriously pissed off about it. I know I've got to have a proper discussion with my daughter about it, and I will, but I think it would have been a lovely discussion for the three of us to have had at the right time. I've effectively had that taken away from me.

OP's wife knew full well that if she proposed telling their daughter together the chances are that he would have said No, yet again. What was she supposed to do then? It's perfectly ridiculous that their daughter wasn't told years ago.

@Timbuck3 what were you waiting to happen/change?

yes, definitely, but only when the time was right.
Wife has asked a few times since and I've always said not yet.

Was the time ever going to be right? Why was it such a big deal to keep this from your daughter?

I get that you're upset your wife told DD without you, but it was unreasonable to expect her to hold on indefinitely.

Did you sit your other child down at a certain age and explain how you conceived them naturally 🤔
I don’t really know why it’s is such a big deal to you, or a “dirty secret” that needed a huge reveal.

I really couldn’t care less about the way in which I was conceived and quite frankly don’t want to think about it in any capacity!

When would the time have been right for you to tell her OP?

Agree with the rest on here, I think drip feeding information in an age appropriate way is a better approach rather than some kind of 'big discussion' which gives it a significance it doesn't really need IMO. DH was adopted at birth, which I think is a far bigger thing to learn about yourself than being an IVF baby, and can never remember a time when he wasn't aware of this. As he got older and answered questions, they were answered by his parents in an age appropriate way. Similarly I've told our children about DH being adopted when a moment to discuss it has come up (storyline on TV maybe? I genuinely don't remember because it wasn't a big significant conversation) and it's felt appropriate, but again at an age appropriate level and when DD has asked a few questions I've answered them.

I get that we should have told her earlier, but I do think 5/6/7 is a bit TOO early, but each to their own.

It actually isn't.

Do you know why? Your child would have and will be going to school with children conceived different ways and from different types of families

Also if your DD is having period issues and they can start from when she started having periods, which your wife may actually have as well, that turn out to be endometriosis, adenomyosis, PCOS or something else then at least she has lots of forewarning that if she wants children she probably needs help to conceive and it isn't shameful.

I don't understand why you even need to tell your child how they were conceived unless they specially asked (ie 5yo asking how she was born etc) ?

Until I read this thread, it wouldn't have occurred to me that being an IVF baby was something that a child needed to be told.

It would probably come up at some point, and I'd certainly mention it when they were older if looking to conceive themselves. But I didn't realise some people thought it was something that explicitly needed discussing and there would be debate over "the right time" to do so.

Plus how old is your daughter now that you still don't think she was ready, you said she was told when she was 16, a few years ago?

We adopted our DC and they’ve known about their origins and how they came to join the family from day dot

Yeah I get that, but adoption is totally different to this scenario...

I’m sorry to say your wife sounds a lot more sensible about it than you. She’s your child-and you’re making a big thing out of it unnecessarily. She should’ve been told a lot younger than 16. You’re being really unreasonable here with your poor wife.

Women and daughters have conversations about menstruation and fertility that no man needs to be part of - it probably came out naturally then, no big deal and a bit weird you wanted to sit down with her together and make it into a huge deal as if you were imparting a shameful secret. Your wife probably thought it was such a non event she didn’t even think to tell you.

What do you have to be 'ready' for? I can understand you wanting to do it together, but it should have happened a long time ago.

Arguably, you have also been ignoring your wife's wishes, considering she's had to bring up the subject/ask you if your daughter could be told on multiple occasions. Why should you get the final say/veto? Why shouldn't your wife get an equal say? She certainly made her opinion clear... It's definitely a "six of one and half a dozen of the other" situation here. I don't necessarily think either of you are/were "right".

This. Most parents don't make a production over telling their dc they had sex to concive so I don't get the production over IVF. I wonder if you feel shame about needing IVF. I'd look into some counseling because honestly this isn't normal.

I don’t personally think it matters? Why do you think it would affect her GCSEs?

I realise it has been a huge deal (and possibly a traumatic one) for you and your wife, but to a child it is not important!

I do not know the details of how I was conceived and I like it this way!

And you’ve come on here asking for opinions then get all pass agg whenthey’re not ones you like.

Not a big deal at all. I think my niece has known for as long as that would have been an appropriate discussion (i.e. much younger than 16!). You really have built this into something. Think you need to get over it before you create a wedge in your family life.

I might be missing something but i don’t really see what the big deal is?? Was the IVF done using someone else’s sperm or egg so not biologically yours/your wife’s??

I find this really strange

My 2 year old dd was conceived via IVF and it never once crossed my mind to sit her down one day and explain that to her? I wouldn't hide it from her, and even right now joke with her that she's going back in the freezer 😂
It's just such a non issue for us

I think at age 16 being sat down in some dramatic way and explained how I was conceived would scar me for life

We don't plan to announce to dd, or hide from her. It just comes up naturally imo

If no donor eggs or sperm then it isn’t an issue at all. A teenager will probably be thrilled to discover they weren’t conceived through their parents having sex tbh.

How do you know what the wife thought? We know that she didn't think it was a big deal and apologised.

There are 2 issues.

1. When (if) to tell a child they were conceived via IVF. I think there is unanimous agreement that it isn't a big deal, that 16 was WAY too late and that it should have just been brought into discussion in the same way we discuss the birth/reproduction etc with our children.

2. That the wife agreed to wait, but then didn't. That's what the OP is upset about I think.

Huh? I don't understand the anger

She's biologically yours isnt she?

My child was conceived by ivf. Ill be honest when it comes to talk about sex and conception. It's not a secret

I’ve just read some of your replies, and I think one of them is quite telling “I wasn’t ready”. You may not have been ready, or would have ever been ready. But your daughter was ready to know. Maybe your wife has done you a massive favor as it’s out now, and you don’t have to think about it anymore.

To be fair if if the child is a boy he should be told in case the reason for IVF is linked to an inherited condition.

The OP clearly thinks having IVF is shameful otherwise why would you hide it?