Told she was IVF

[Timbuck3]

Name changed for this:
My wife and I had a child and wanted a second. Wife couldn't conceive again so we went down the IVF route and she fell pregnant. Daughter was born. Wife asked me whether we should tell daughter she was conceived using IVF and I said, Yes, definitely, but only when the time was right.
Wife has asked a few times since and I've always said not yet.
In September last year we were having a discussion, can't remember about what exactly, but it came out that my daughter knew about her being IVF. I froze! My daughter said "I've known since March. Mum told me on my 16th birthday!"
I was furious! I should have been part of that conversation! I wouldn't have told her then because she was just coming up to doing her GCSEs, but she would have been told soon enough.
When I finally calmed down enough to properly discuss this with my wife, she just said, "Sorry, I didn't think it was that big a deal". Even though I'd told her often enough that i didn't think it was the right time.

I'm not saying that it had to be when I said so, but i think a decision like this should definitely have been a joint one with almost a power of veto.
I've deleted the poll as I'm not looking for a score, but just wanted opinions because despite it being months ago, I'm still seriously pissed off about it. I know I've got to have a proper discussion with my daughter about it, and I will, but I think it would have been a lovely discussion for the three of us to have had at the right time. I've effectively had that taken away from me.

I get annoyed at “she’s IVF” too. Same goes for “he’s special needs” or “she’s ADHD.”

Just to make sure we’ve got the whole situation clear, OP - is there any religious issue involved here? Were you and your wife going against a belief of the religion you belong to in having IVF? I ask because while I wasn’t conceived through IVF, I was conceived through IUI, and my parents acted like it was a big secret. We’re Catholic. I knew they had fertility problems because they told me that much, and then one day someone on a TV show found out she’d been conceived through IUI and I asked them. “I don’t think it’s anyone else’s business what a couple went through to get pregnant.” Yeah, but I’m not “anyone else,” I’m the baby you got pregnant with!

We know that she didn't think it was a big deal and apologised.

There are a few reasons people apologise. One is when they are genuinely remorseful. The other is when someone is angry, ages later over some perceived slight and you want the issue to stop. Or when you're walking on eggshells around a controlling partner.

I hear hooves, I think horses.

That's the truth. I remember some kid told my dd on 3rd grade graphic how babies are made. I'd left out the gory details. She was horrified I'd seen her father naked. At 13 she is still disgusted lol

DH and I had an IVF baby. Just the one. Biologically our child.

I'd be wary, if I were you, OP, about blowing this up into some major thing that it really isn't. Your DD will likely take the same attitude to it that you do, and it might seem strange that this is of such importance to you even though donor gametes were not used. This could cause her to question what she's being told. Whilst you talk of your wife's 'going against your wishes', there are also the child's needs to be taken into account here and it seems to me a simple, low-key explanation is fine given her biological ties remain unchanged. Face it, how many of us do know the exact circumstances of our conception?

DC has known since he was small, in an age-appropriate way. We simply told him that mummy and daddy couldn't have children the way it normally happens, and so doctors had to help us. At the same time we were able to tell him he doesn't have siblings because we were unable to have them.

When sex education arose in Y4 he asked more questions. Whichever parent he asked, who happened to be there at the time, answered them honestly but without making a big deal of it. It didn't trouble me in the least when DH told him something without my input or presence, or vice versa. DC is now ten and thinks little of it.

As for your own DD, I'm not sure why you think a 'proper discussion' with her is necessary. What else does she need to know?

If your 2 year old when she is 5 asks you about how babies are made.

You truthfully answer along the lines of "some babies are made in a test tube like you while..."

Glad someone else sees it this way! I was starting to wonder if I ought to have confirmed to ours that they weren’t conceived via ivf!

At 16, I imagine your wife may have been worried that it was getting to the stage of being actively dishonest with your daughter not to make her aware. Mothers and daughters will be having lots of conversations at that age where it would seem strange for this to be kept a secret.

As you can see from all these responses it's no wonder your DW told your DD.

Well you were happy to ignore your wife's wishes

OK, well if people are going to go down the path of him being an abusive partner then I'm leaving the thread (not that anyone cares!).

This, 100%

16 is FAR TOO LATE. IVF is not a big deal these days - and even if it were, you should have just been upfront with your daughter when you were explaining to her how babies are made (so, at about 6-8 years old), in an age appropriate level of detail.

Leaving it until 16 can make your daughter feel like it is a big deal. It also sounds like your wife wanted to tell her earlier (she kept raising it) and you kept "agreeing together" - sounds like you talked her round each time, but clearly she wanted to tell her earlier than you because she did in the end, didn't she?

I think you have a huge problem with the fact you needed IVF to conceive. Was it sperm-related issues? No-one cares about IVF except for you - so many kids are conceived thanks to IVF these days.

You should have told your daughter earlier.

My DCs are adopted and have two "how babies are made" books and the one for 4y+ mentions "some people have to get help from a doctor to have a baby". Honestly children should always know this.

I’m sorry this has upset you so greatly but the fact is, your child is biologically both of yours so I don’t understand why you’re so upset. If you had used a donor then absolutely, you both would need to be on board. But it isn’t the case and there’s no shame at all in using IVF. Unless you think there is?

5/6/7 isn't too early

It's planting the seed

No pun intended

Mini blondes knows she is ivf. Knows we went to a clinic abroad to have her

Knows babies grow in tummies

Knows mummy and daddies have a special cuddle /sex to have a baby

Knows we struggled hence why got help

As she gets older /periods /sex chat I will tell her more or answer anything she may ask

Can you explain why it's was so important to you that your daughter wasn't told about this until the time was right (at a late age by the sound of it)? What is it about the situation that was uncomfortable, that you didn't want her to know about it before?
To me, IVF is not a big secret. It's more like, I conceived this child in this way and that child in that way. There's no reason not to talk about either way they came into the world right from the beginning. It's completely normal.
Perhaps if you can explain why you didn't want to discuss it with her earlier then people might be able to advise or at least sympathise.

Sounds like you did want it to be when you said so though, as you wouldn’t let your wife tell her for years.

@Timbuck3 - Your wife should have discussed with you, of course, and I can understand you being annoyed about it. I'm sorry you are getting a hard time on here.

BUT as you are your daughter's genetic father, I think you are letting the fact she was an IVF baby, bothering you as much as it clearly has. for most people it wouldn't be anything like a big deal, except joy that the process worked ( unless it was using Donor Sperm) and your daughter turned 16 before she knew.

Personally, I don't think you need to 'have a discussion' with your daughter. If you do, it may only create worries on her part that she is not being told the full truth - otherwise why are you making a big deal about it? Would it help to have a chat with a therapist of some kind, to discuss exactly WHY you are bothered about her being an IVF baby? You clearly wanted your daughter and if anything at all, she will feel really good that she wasn't an accident and was clearly very much wanted.

I thought my wife telling her when she knew I wasn't ready was out of order,

Perhaps your wife thought it was more about when your daughter was ready, not you?

I agree with the “something and nothing” description here. I can understand it’s quite something for the parents ( anxiety, expense, discomfort depending on treatment ) but suspect it’s really nothing for the child.

Can you articulate here why you feel it's something which should have been left so late, and why the 'lovely discussion' was needed?

I'm not being sarcastic, i'm interested to know why you think it's a big deal, or why 7/8 is too young.

Also - how about if a child was adopted very young? What age would you think it appropriate to tell them about that? And if it's different, then why?

Honestly, I think you wanted to tell your DD way too late and make too big a deal of it. Why? What is so shameful or unusual? Have you not thought that it might actually be a good thing to speak to your DD about as she is growing up, in the context of talking about sex, sexuality and fertility? Do you not have these discussions with her?

That said, if your wife knew you still wanted to wait and why and disregarded it, she was wrong. If she just forgot or thought you were fobbing her off with a conversation that should be had in a less dramatic way or that you haven't been listening to a point of view she has about it, then she is wrong but so are you for not being sufficiently open minded.

People get things wrong though. Your post does come across as if you are planning to punish her for a while for this - that would be unreasonable.

…maybe something back when it was groundbreaking but it really is pretty commonplace now.

I'm worried your view of IVF will make your daughter feel 'less than' or 'otherered' or insecure. You should really address why you see it as such a big deal.

Care to explain why?

Knowledge that you were conceived by IVF falls into the same category as knowledge you were born by cesarean or were bottle fed, in my view.
I would genuinely like to understand what made IVF worthy of a reveal for you?