Told she was IVF

[Timbuck3]

Name changed for this:
My wife and I had a child and wanted a second. Wife couldn't conceive again so we went down the IVF route and she fell pregnant. Daughter was born. Wife asked me whether we should tell daughter she was conceived using IVF and I said, Yes, definitely, but only when the time was right.
Wife has asked a few times since and I've always said not yet.
In September last year we were having a discussion, can't remember about what exactly, but it came out that my daughter knew about her being IVF. I froze! My daughter said "I've known since March. Mum told me on my 16th birthday!"
I was furious! I should have been part of that conversation! I wouldn't have told her then because she was just coming up to doing her GCSEs, but she would have been told soon enough.
When I finally calmed down enough to properly discuss this with my wife, she just said, "Sorry, I didn't think it was that big a deal". Even though I'd told her often enough that i didn't think it was the right time.

I'm not saying that it had to be when I said so, but i think a decision like this should definitely have been a joint one with almost a power of veto.
I've deleted the poll as I'm not looking for a score, but just wanted opinions because despite it being months ago, I'm still seriously pissed off about it. I know I've got to have a proper discussion with my daughter about it, and I will, but I think it would have been a lovely discussion for the three of us to have had at the right time. I've effectively had that taken away from me.

Agree with all the posters saying they don't think being conceived through IVF is a big deal. (I don't want to be a language pedant, but I dislike the phrase she 'is IVF'.) I have kids conceived through IVF - they have known this ever since they've known that conception at all is a thing. (In our case, there is some important genetic information that they need to know and we took the view we wanted them to grow up with it, rather than have a 'big reveal'.)

But, given that you think it is an important thing, there's obviously been a failure of communication between you and your wife about it. Maybe she told your daughter because she felt it wasn't a big thing and disregarded your feelings; maybe she told her because she was sick of you putting it off and it felt important to her; maybe she's controlling; maybe you are... Depending on which of those things it is most likely to be, sounds like you need to have a chat with your wife and be able to process it and move on. I wish you well with it.

Or don’t bother 🤷🏻‍♀️! I honestly don’t get the Big Deal! So many children are it’s really one of a handful known methods. Tell them if and when they ask! Different if it affects the biological parentage. That is a “special conversation” you would want to be part of, however I really don’t see how this is.

I've had all sorts of random chats recently with my teens.
You realise you only have a short period to cram as much information as needed in before they are expected to operate like an adult.
You have to grab any moments - in the car, watching a film, when asked a question, after they've overheard something.
I can absolutely imagine my teen overhearing something about IVF, which friends under went 17 years ago when it seemed like such a big ethical deal. And me grabbing the moment to talk about not having a baby too soon/too late/ too many/ with the wrong bloke/ leaving the wrong bloke/ juggling life/picking a career/contraception/ one night stands/ date rape/ being spike/ friends with benefits/ the emotional side to sex/ healthy relationships.....

You just have to chat when you get the chance and in an overhand no big way, that's parenting. Cramming my list into a scheduled meeting would be something a school pastoral lesson would plan.

Tbh, I don't think it's a big deal that she was conceived via IVF, why did your wife think it was a big deal for her to know?

However, for your relationship, I can see why your wife going behind your back to disclose information you weren't ready to share is massive

I can understand it’s frustrating if your wife knew you thought it was a big deal though.

And just for the record, on each occasion my wife brought up telling her, maybe 3 or 4 times over the years, we DISCUSSED it, and decided between US that WE, rightly or wrongly, would leave it for the time being.

if your wife had genuinely agreed that the time wasn’t right.. why would she have told her?
And are you sure that your wife knew how strongly you still felt about the issue (considering that your DD was 16)? The arguments about not telling a 5 year old probably didn’t seem that relevant in regard to a 16 yo.

IVF was something that primarily affected your wife and her body. She has a right to talk about that.

I think your wife was wrong to take the decision out of your hands w/o consulting you since that is what you had agreed on.
This would be the case whatever the issue (other than ones of safety and legal things).

What has she said when she's brought it up in the past and you'd said 'not yet'? Did she agree, disagree and explain, or indicate she would tell your DD anyway?

What do you mean by 'a proper discussion' with your daughter?

And just for the record, on each occasion my wife brought up telling her, maybe 3 or 4 times over the years, we DISCUSSED it, and decided between US that WE, rightly or wrongly, would leave it for the time being.

If your wife repeatedly brought it up then WE didn't decide anything. You vetoed.

And when on earth were you going to be ready if you weren't after 16 years? My mum told me something properly life-changing (not this tiny thing) and I was in my 20s. Terrible terrible idea!

What a lot of drama about nothing.

I mean he sounds like a bit of an arse but vile, really? Why vile?

I think you’re being really weird about it. If she was adopted then obviously it’s a much more sensitive issue. I think randomly “surprising” her with the information at a certain age is weird and unnecessary. It’s a bit like finding out if you were born by vaginal birth or C section, doesn’t really matter 🤷🏼‍♀️

The way you're speaking about IVF is like adoption, now yes that would be something to discuss. IVF is a non issue.

It reads like you're having quiet a strong reaction to this.

Why do you feel that her being and IVF baby requires a thought-out and prepared conversation? Do you think it would affect how she felt about herself?

I think you need to unpick why you feel like it's a 'thing' rather than just what happened. My DS(7) was conceived by accident, he knows he was a surprise baby because it just came up in conversation! Why DH and I weren't married when he was born, why we didn't have a house etc. I've never felt the need to withhold this information or make a big deal about sitting him down to tell him.

However, I think your wife is in the wrong to take the decision away from you and do something different to what you had agreed. It's clear that she also didn't/doesn't understand why it matters so much to you, perhaps that's why she told her?

You need to speak with your wife properly. Tell her why it mattered so much to you, what negative impacts you anticipate from your DD knowing, and how hurt you feel about her doing this behind your back.

I'm quite shocked that you kept this secret till well after your daughter's 16th birthday and apparently had no intentions of telling her even then. When on earth did you think the "right time" was going to arrive? Suppose your wife had proposed that three-way talk with you, she must have known that the strong likelihood was that you would have said no yet again. How long were you going to leave it? What happened when your daughter learnt the facts of life, did you lie to her about how she was conceived?

Your wife should really have overridden you and told your daughter years ago.

I can understand that you are upset that your wife told your daughter when you said you wanted to wait until the right time. However, I think you have made it into a massive big deal, when it didn’t need to. I think 16 is a bit late to be honest. I would have brought it up during the how babies are made discussions. Lots of children are conceived via fertility treatment these days. It’s a non issue.
Might be reading too much between the lines here, but it does feel like you were looking for the right time, and there was never going to be a right time. So not entirely surprised that your wife did end up telling her. Sometimes these conversations also happen organically. I told my daughter how babies are made after she asked me a few questions. If I had stopped the conversation and ran off to speak to my husband about it, it would have made it in to more of an event than it needed to be.

So no matter what it was you agreed that you would tell her together... however it sounds like she did suggest other times and you closed it down so I get why she disclosed it.

but honestly it's not adoption or a donor egg or sperm I don't even get why you would tell her or yet make it such a big thing about telling her? Why is it so important... apart from we have no savings to put you through uni as we spent it all on IVF

Would have thought that when your taught your daughter about reproduction you could have advised that people also get pregnant that why and that's how we had you - so earlier than 16yrs old

You're completely overreacting. I have one IVF child and one naturally conceived. It's not even occured to me that my IVF baby will be upset about this. At the end of the day both my children were planned and very much wanted. How they got here isn't a big deal...

But you didn’t actually want to tell her, did you? You obviously are still hung up about something which happened 20 or more years ago?

You have completely got this out oF proportion, and you still have zero insight of the extent to which you were hopelessly wrong.

This is the actual problem: you were wrong; you wouldn’t be told; expected to be pandered to; and now want to get in a strop about it. What your wife should have said the first time was- grow the fuck up and stop being ridiculous.

And I say that having had all my kids through IVF.

your time at this stage should be spent really reflecting on your behaviour here, not hers.

Why is being made via IVF instead of sex such a big issue to you?

You waited way, way too long. I’m not surprised your wife got fed up.

We adopted our DC and they’ve known about their origins and how they came to join the family from day dot. And that’s waaaay more complicated than non-donor IVF

The point is that your daughter's wellbeing comes before having regard to your frankly daft wishes. That is what you need to take on board.

No I don't think it's a big deal because you're both still her biological parents. You just needed medical help achieving it. However itnwould be different if she were adopted, or used a donor sperms. That kind of information would have consequences. But as it stands, I thinks it's fine.

That’s often the case when it’s a discussion about action vs inaction.

person one says yes, person two says no. And somehow the result of the discussion is “no”. Which gives person two what s/he wanted and leaves person one with nothing.

as you said: that’s a veto. Not a compromise!

I'm not sure why you wanted to hide she is an IVF baby, there's nothing secretive or shameful about it. She could have been told, in an age appropriate way, at any time. Perhaps the best time would have been when you or your wife told her about the "birds and the bees" and contraception talk. Have you done that talk yet?

Being told at 16 is late, very late. At what age do you think it might have been okay to tell her?

EDIT - Women's fertility is genetically linked (via the maternal line i believe), from puberty to ease of conception to start of menopause. Any and all daughters need to know this information.

Exactly, conceived by the same parents in a slightly different way that's all. This has no bearing on your daughters life whatsoever so why the need to tell her?