Told she was IVF

[Timbuck3]

Name changed for this:
My wife and I had a child and wanted a second. Wife couldn't conceive again so we went down the IVF route and she fell pregnant. Daughter was born. Wife asked me whether we should tell daughter she was conceived using IVF and I said, Yes, definitely, but only when the time was right.
Wife has asked a few times since and I've always said not yet.
In September last year we were having a discussion, can't remember about what exactly, but it came out that my daughter knew about her being IVF. I froze! My daughter said "I've known since March. Mum told me on my 16th birthday!"
I was furious! I should have been part of that conversation! I wouldn't have told her then because she was just coming up to doing her GCSEs, but she would have been told soon enough.
When I finally calmed down enough to properly discuss this with my wife, she just said, "Sorry, I didn't think it was that big a deal". Even though I'd told her often enough that i didn't think it was the right time.

I'm not saying that it had to be when I said so, but i think a decision like this should definitely have been a joint one with almost a power of veto.
I've deleted the poll as I'm not looking for a score, but just wanted opinions because despite it being months ago, I'm still seriously pissed off about it. I know I've got to have a proper discussion with my daughter about it, and I will, but I think it would have been a lovely discussion for the three of us to have had at the right time. I've effectively had that taken away from me.

I’m sorry, @Timbuck3, but I think your wife did the right thing. When I started reading your OP, I thought you were going to say that your daughter was only 3, and your wife had told her about the IVF, despite you thinking your daughter was not ready for the information - and I might well have agreed with you, if this had been the case.

But you have had 16 years to get used to the idea of your dd learning about how she was conceived - and you still think this is too soon for her to know! She is practically an adult, and you don’t think she is ready for this information - that is madness! And if you think she is ready for the information, but you aren’t ready for her to hear it, then that is even worse, frankly. Telling her might have been difficult for you, but you have had 16 years to come to terms with this - and parenthood isn’t meant to be easy all the time, and it is your job as a parent to do the difficult stuff as well as the easy stuff.

I think you owe your wife a big apology, for your reaction to learning she’d told your dd about the IVF, and you owe your dd an equally big apology for putting your feelings in the way of giving her this information much, much sooner.

Your wife has every right to talk to whoever she likes about what happened in her own body and what medical procedures she had done to her.

You talk about your 'wishes' but you knew your wife wanted to tell her and you didn't care. You sound very self absorbed.

So when was the time going to be right?
If she hadn't been told by 16, all bets are off

When you said when the time is right, I was thinking about 8.

This. If there hadn't been a 'right time' by the time she is 16, when do you think it might be? 18... 30...

Our children are both ivf and have known since about age 8 when they started human reproduction in science in school.

It's not a big deal 🙂

You should have decided together when to tell her but you also completely ignored your wife’s desire to tell her and kept saying no.
personally I think leaving it till 16 is pretty late so I can see why your wife wanted to tell her earlier. When she first learnt what ivf was would have made sense.

OK Op, you asked to wait until you were ready so it would have been nice for your DW to forewarn you. I still don't understand why it was an issue? If it was IVF by sperm donor that's quite different but just IVF is something and nothing. I'd have told your DD years ago in a very simple child friendly way and then got on with life, you've built it up into something scary to tell her

Fair enough you wanted to tell her together but your wife had obviously felt uneasy about waiting and you have ignored that so she took matters into her own hands. Your dd is 16 for Christ's sake! She should've been told years ago as it's no big deal and you have made it far bigger than it needed to be.

Sounds like your ego is getting in the way of normal life. Is this a common occurrence for you?

Judging by the responses, get her told! Sharpish!

I've listened! I get that we should have told her earlier, but I do think 5/6/7 is a bit TOO early, but each to their own.

I am definitely not controlling, far from it!

And just for the record, on each occasion my wife brought up telling her, maybe 3 or 4 times over the years, we DISCUSSED it, and decided between US that WE, rightly or wrongly, would leave it for the time being.

Thanks anyway, point taken, I'm an unreasonable control freak!

It was unreasonable of your wife to do it without you when you clearly felt so strongly about it.

However I wonder if you have also been unreasonable in declining to have the conversation......she was 16 when she found out.....how long had your wife been asking to tell her? How long have you being saying no?

I agree with most of the PP that being concieved via IVF is not a big deal that needs a breaking news discussion nor requires to a kept back as a secret. Unless of course donor eggs/sperm has been used.

I imagine that at 16 your wife was sick of waiting for you to be okay with it. I agree with many other comments here that she should have been told as a small child anyway.

I do think your wife shouldn't have gone behind your back, but you are making this into a massive drama.

I told my children when they were 5 and we drove past the ivf clinic and I pointed it out to them. If you make something a big deal to a kid it is a big deal - having ivf is common and not a big deal but I think it’s the men that worry more as they don’t take kindly to people thinking they have fertility issues

No big deal. Please calm down.

Normally I’d respect my husband’s wishes, but he is a reasonable man and open to compromise.
If you’d made me wait SIXTEEN years for such a non issue I’d have cracked and said something.
My sisters were IVF and it was allowed to be discussed when relevant at any age. They understood it slowly. I think the first time my parents said anything was when my sisters asked about the big age gap. Mum just said they wanted a baby so much but they waited so long they asked the doctor to help.

You had 16 years of having it your way, you cant veto forever.

You were thinking of yourself. Your wife was thinking of your daughter.

That's the difference That's why it's not wrong of her to have told DD at 16 something she should have found out naturally 8-10 years ago.

You're making a mountain out of a molehill and making your daughter's conception a big deal when it shouldn't be. Making this extraordinary fuss and declining to tell your daughter - as if it's some terrible difficult secret she needs to come to terms with - would have traumatised her.

Your wife was right to prevent you from making this into a massive "thing". It's just IVF. No donor sperm or eggs were used. It's literally just a medical treatment like any other and makes no difference whatsoever to anything.

This isn't about you or your desires, it's about not creating trauma for your daughter out of thin air, because of your weird hang up about IVF.

A relative of mine was born following a new breakthrough in IVF techniques. It was all over the front pages of the newspapers. I don't know when the child actually became aware of how they were conceived but I'm certain it wasn't left until they were 16!
I can't believe your DD got to that age without being told.
I guess your DW just got fed up of waiting for you to decide that the time was right and concluded that it may never be the right time for you!

Can we assume from this that IVF was needed due to male infertility and this is the reason you were putting off telling your DD?

OP you've not addressed why on earth it matters how she was conceived?

I honestly couldn't care less.

Could you have made a bigger mountain out a mole in the first place?
My jaw dropped when I read 16 !!!

My IVF daughter has known since she was old enough to ask, “so how does the sperm get to the egg?”

Answer: “actually that’s pretty special for you, I’ll tell you the regular way, then all about the amazing science they helped us to make you!”

I can’t remember what age exactly, but I so remember telling her Y4 teacher that she was likely to chip in during sex ed, and that it was OK to “shut her down” not to confuse. So that’s age 8.

We’ve had a few lovely moments over the years. My favourite was her saying, “wait - I’m too young to stay home alone says you - but I spent my first 5 nights post conception on my own in a lab?” 😆

It was ridiculous to ever be secret, especially as your wife had repeatedly asked. I can’t see any good reason you were making your wife uncomfortable. Sure, some things are couple decisions and she did know you wanted to wait. I think therefore that she was wrong to over rule you without telling you. But - given it’s your daughter’s info not yours, I would ultimately have said she could over rule you.

She should have told you she was going to tell her. But it’s a pretty minor issue. Sounds like you could do with some introspection on why you were making your wife wait.

You've made a mountain out of a molehill. You have been disregarding your wife's wishes for many years and so she finally decided she'd had enough. I wouldnt have told the daughter on a birthday but if you wanted to be part of the conversation you should not have let it go on this long. You might be slightly annoyed but your wife has every right to be annoyed with you too.

Wind your neck in. Your wife didn’t need your permission to tell your daughter she was an IVF baby. Why are you seeing drama in this?

We’ve had a few lovely moments over the years. My favourite was her saying, “wait - I’m too young to stay home alone says you - but I spent my first 5 nights post conception on my own in a lab?” 😆

@Testina your daughter sounds ace 😀

I wasn’t told the circumstances of my birth until I was 16 and I was fuming that my parents had lied to me for that long. You’re lucky your daughter took it in good grace when your wife told her. Why wait so long?