Told she was IVF

[Timbuck3]

Name changed for this:
My wife and I had a child and wanted a second. Wife couldn't conceive again so we went down the IVF route and she fell pregnant. Daughter was born. Wife asked me whether we should tell daughter she was conceived using IVF and I said, Yes, definitely, but only when the time was right.
Wife has asked a few times since and I've always said not yet.
In September last year we were having a discussion, can't remember about what exactly, but it came out that my daughter knew about her being IVF. I froze! My daughter said "I've known since March. Mum told me on my 16th birthday!"
I was furious! I should have been part of that conversation! I wouldn't have told her then because she was just coming up to doing her GCSEs, but she would have been told soon enough.
When I finally calmed down enough to properly discuss this with my wife, she just said, "Sorry, I didn't think it was that big a deal". Even though I'd told her often enough that i didn't think it was the right time.

I'm not saying that it had to be when I said so, but i think a decision like this should definitely have been a joint one with almost a power of veto.
I've deleted the poll as I'm not looking for a score, but just wanted opinions because despite it being months ago, I'm still seriously pissed off about it. I know I've got to have a proper discussion with my daughter about it, and I will, but I think it would have been a lovely discussion for the three of us to have had at the right time. I've effectively had that taken away from me.

I understand why you’re hurt OP and yes, ideally your wife wouldn’t have told your DD without your knowledge.

But honestly, at 16 years old, your DD is more than capable of hearing this info without it being a big deal. I suspect it’s a much bigger deal to you than it is to her. It doesn’t really make any difference does it? No donor sperm, eggs etc were used so really there wasn’t actually anything to tell?

Why were you waiting for so long? Why did you build this up into such a huge conversation? It’s not as if you were telling your DD she was adopted , or some other life changing fact.

And I mean all of this kindly. Because I understand being upset at being excluded from something you viewed as important. Has your wife told you how the conversation unfolded? Did she set out to tell your DD or did a conversation crop up that offered a natural opening?

FWIW, my DP isn’t the bio father- the bio father buggered off when I was pregnant. Me and DO had know each other for years and started a relationship when my DC (twins) were less than a year old. I told them from a very young age that “daddy” was a different type of daddy. As they got older, they were given more details. We never made it into a big deal and they’re not fussed. I can’t imagine waiting to announce this until they were 16!

I think there are two separate issues here.

1. your wife did something you had both explicitly agreed she wouldn’t do without you

2. you made a fairly trivial thing into a huge drama and refused to allow your wife to divulge information for 16 years. Thats a hell of a time to keep quiet (and she clearly felt that DD should have been told).

I think you’re both at fault here.

All along it seems that the time was not right for YOU.
It was possibly always the right time for your daughter.
If not told when she was about 6 I would have told her at about 13, once she could understand reproduction.

However, I do think your wife should have said that she wanted to tell DD and that it can't wait any longer. You should have been either part of telling her, or able to converse about it soon afterwards. It depends on how open DD was to discussing it with a man as apposed to a woman. As a teenager I would only have felt comfortable talking about that with my Mum.

Maybe your wife was asked questions, intimate questions that she could not lie about, and maybe she judged that your daughter was best to be told about her conception at that time and by her mother.

If you know your wife to be a good mother then you should trust that she did the right thing.

@Timbuck3 I totally understand your point about your wife going behind your back on something you felt was a big deal.

My question though is similar to many others and I note you haven't answered it. Why was it such a big deal to you that she was an ivf baby? What's the reason you felt it had to be discussed on when to tell her, or that you think it would have impacted her GCSEs etc?

I only ask because, these days at least, ivf is very much a "normal" journey into parenthood. I don't think a 16 year old would see it as a problem that you wanted her enough to get help in making her.

I disagree, and would have the same opinion the other way around. It's the daughter that matters here, and it would have been better for her to grow up knowing this rather than it being a big announcement. And as a young woman taking charge of her own fertility eventually, I think she does need to know.

Quite an assumption that they both explicitly agreed.

Even the OP does not say so.

Given the OP's own posts, i have my doubts about this 'we both agreed'.

Like @MrsTerryPratchett said, i hear hooves, i think horses. I hear a lot of hooves in OP's posts.

Your wife 'respected your wishes' for 16 years. Her wish was to tell your daughter sooner, and you did not respect that.

Wow I bet if this was him telling her without consulting his wife it would be a different story , I personally don't think it should matter how she was conceived however everyone has different feelings and opinions and if you felt strongly about it which you obviously do and your wife has told her without you even knowing you are not the asshole she knew how you felt and did it anyway regardless of the topic ! I would explain to your wife if you haven't already how you feel about it

Please don't have a special conversation with your Daughter about this, I can feel my toe's curling just thinking about how ick that would make her feel. Just answer any questions she asks you, honestly.

I think it would be helpful for you to talk to someone about why you felt the need to keep this a secret for so long.

I wonder if it just came up in conversation as a general topic (they do learn about this stuff in high school), and your wife just went with the natural flow of the conversation rather than lie to your DD? In that case, I don't think she did anything wrong. It's not a big deal and I'm surprised that she didn't know at 16 already. When do you think would have been a suitable time? 18? 21? 50?

Wife has asked a few times since and I've always said not yet

we DISCUSSED it, and decided between US that WE, rightly or wrongly, would leave it for the time being

Both of these are quotes from the OP, but they don't sound like the same conversation really, do they?

Posters doing it again because you are a man. Completely ignoring the issue here. Not that you had her by IVF, but that you wanted to tell her together.
I disagree with the statement ' because your a man" and I don't think the issue is ignored.
She should have been told in a child friendly, no fuss way about 11 years ago. Leaving it this late it's brand new info to her that looks like its been some sort of dirty family secret.
All that had to have been said, years ago is' Dr's had to help mummy and daddy make you. Aren't we lucky they did.'

This is really a non-issue (providing your daughter is biologically both your child, if a donor sperms or egg was used I can understand why you'd want to be selective when you told her).

For context, I'm a teacher, we teach about IVF and fertility issues in school and 5/31 of my students this year were IVF babies (I didn't ask, it was by their own admission). I personally think we should be completely normalising conversations like this, fertility is a difficult subject and open conversations need to happen to ensure people are informed rather than ignorant.

Very strange thread. I have IVF children and they have always known from when they were young enough to understand. It was never a big deal. I have pointed out the clinic in the same way parents point out the hospital where their children were born. Some of their classmates were IVF too and their parents were open about it too.

It will make your daughter feel like a freak if you sit her down one day and say “Mum and I have something very important to tell you. You see, (heavy outbreath) you weren’t conceived like everyone else….”.

Don't see it as being a huge deal in the first place but your wife knew that it was for you, and, imo, shouldn't have gone ahead without you on that basis.
However, the most important thing is that your DD knows now andI s fine with it - please, for the sake of your relationship and your family, don't let resentment build up, it's a marriage wrecker 🙏

1. I don't really understand why such a big deal is being made about ivf and why the decision was ever made to withhold this from your daughter in the first place. If you think it's a big deal you might benefit from a fertility cojnsellor? I think the issue here is around your feelings about your own fertility.
2. i agree that if your wife knew this was a big deal for you she should have discussed timing with your first. But maybe she was worried you would try and stop her or make such a big deal out of it that it would not be helpful for your daughter?

Everyone I know who had ivf pretty much told children from the start. Basic mummy and daddy had some special help from Dr to put you in mummy tummy. Etc. Then later just added in the word ivf as part of their birth story

Why wait so long to tell in the 1st place, a bit strange if you ask me.

😒 I'm presuming it was a sperm donor as well

But apparently if it was yours this is a bloody weird thing to even think about let alone 'announce' so to speak on a 16th birthday that effectively you missed out having sex during conception ?!?

I'm completely miffed by both you & your wifes behavour 🤔

I was giving the OP the benefit of the doubt.

Because really, if they hadn’t both explicitly agreed then this whole post is just a waste of time.

FWIW, I’m not completely convinced the wife had agreed either but for the sake of being kind, I’m going to assume she did.

If she didn’t agree then the question is whether she told OP, and whether she was transparent about the fact she’d tell DD if the opportunity arose.

Whether we think his request was reasonable or not, he had a right to know if his wife planned to divulge the info. And when she did, she should have told him that she had done so.

We don’t know the reason why she didn’t tell him. Maybe she feared his reaction? Maybe she didn’t view it as important? Maybe she was hoping to keep the conversation secret? Who knows….?!

I’ve assumed they agreed on the course of action but absolutely, they may not have done.

I really think your making a mountain out of a mole hill!! My child asked me what adoption was so i explained in an age appropriate way, then she and I had conversation about how she was born, (surrogate mother) she was only 4 but a mature 4yo, she understood, we looked at pictures of her with the surro being pregnant then when she was born ect. Every now and then she comes to ask questions, and I answer them. Husband was not phased, we both knew she needed to be told so she can grow with 'always' knowing. I saw the opportunity to broach the subject for took it!

What's the big deal about IVF. You are still her mum and dad .
Tbf l think most 16yr olds would rather not have to think of their parents having sex so would be more than happy to know this.

As someone who wasn't able to have Children and went through 2 rounds of IVF I totally disagree with others who say it's not a big deal. If they understood the stress and anxiousness that a couple (yes ) both apply. I do think you would have been best to explain earlier (as Mum and Dad ) but understand the reluctance. When DD was going through her exams was definitely not the right time. I always say " walk a mile in their shoes". I do hope you can find peace regarding this issue.

You've made it far too a bigger deal in your head, your daughter's 16 she has more important things going on in her life. Just be proud you've raised a well adjusted teenager, she sounds more mature than you.

You're missing the point completely. Then again, those who pipe up with predictable regularity to tell Mumsnetters what a bunch of 'man haters' we all are, usually do.

This is not about either parents' wants; about whether they are 'ready' to tell their daughter or not, or about manner in which they'd prefer to tell her. (Incidentally, that's irrespective of the sex of either parent).

It's about the child's needs, the child's rights, and whether she is ready to hear. Children are ready to hear from a far younger age where it's just accepted without question and becomes part of her story. The point is precisely that it doesn't need to be 'big news' unless it's blown up as such.

One parent seems to have taken account of that need (eventually), whilst the other seems to have a hang-up about the manner of their daughter's conception and is transferring that onto their daughter.

To be fair, you ignored your wife’s wish to tell your daughter for 16 years!