Told she was IVF

[Timbuck3]

Name changed for this:
My wife and I had a child and wanted a second. Wife couldn't conceive again so we went down the IVF route and she fell pregnant. Daughter was born. Wife asked me whether we should tell daughter she was conceived using IVF and I said, Yes, definitely, but only when the time was right.
Wife has asked a few times since and I've always said not yet.
In September last year we were having a discussion, can't remember about what exactly, but it came out that my daughter knew about her being IVF. I froze! My daughter said "I've known since March. Mum told me on my 16th birthday!"
I was furious! I should have been part of that conversation! I wouldn't have told her then because she was just coming up to doing her GCSEs, but she would have been told soon enough.
When I finally calmed down enough to properly discuss this with my wife, she just said, "Sorry, I didn't think it was that big a deal". Even though I'd told her often enough that i didn't think it was the right time.

I'm not saying that it had to be when I said so, but i think a decision like this should definitely have been a joint one with almost a power of veto.
I've deleted the poll as I'm not looking for a score, but just wanted opinions because despite it being months ago, I'm still seriously pissed off about it. I know I've got to have a proper discussion with my daughter about it, and I will, but I think it would have been a lovely discussion for the three of us to have had at the right time. I've effectively had that taken away from me.

I've never had IVF but know several people who have. I'm unclear as to why this is such a massive deal that you have to tell your child. Why is it an issue? I've never had a conversation with my children that I had to have sex to have them. Unless there are donors involved, I think it's being blown out of all proportion. I am not in a position to judge though, it just seems to me it's another form of conception.

My kids don't know, the youngest was IVF it's just never come up but it's not a big secret either.

But if they came to you and asked "did you plan to.have me?", would you tell them "yes, we actually had to get yhe doctors to.help because we really wanted you but our bodies needed some help"?

I've never sat down and said to my children "so you were an actively tried for baby and YOU were a surprise" but they have asked "was I planned?" and other questions that have come up naturally due to things they learn at school or hear on tv or whatever. That's more the point, like it's neither a Big Family Secret or something to "sit down and have a lovely conversation about" (as OP has said) - it's just something about their origin story that may come up naturally and is not a big deal.

@CocoPlum absolutely I'd tell them ones 7 the other nearly 13, and I'd explain the gap between them.

While trying for LO we tried IUI, which involves many many appointments inc internal scans. DS1 ended up to a fair few of those appointments- sitting on a tablet, oblivious to what was going on. He may or may not remember those appointments.

@MoreDollies Agreed completely with all your points! If it’s an issue that could have been passed down then it’s important for her to know I think. Leaving it that long is unusual I think but I get the feeling from OP’s responses (I’d missed the part where he alluded it to being mum’s side where conception issues lay) that she maybe just did it and thought she would just deal with OPs freakout after- which is probably what I would have done in all honesty after dragging it on for so long!

I think too it may be that IVF is a huge deal for people who’ve gone through it, the stress and cost etc. - it’s a huge huge deal for the parents in the experience of people I know who have been through it- doesn’t mean it’s a big deal for the daughter though. If I were the daughter I’d wonder why it had been made into such a big thing.

I think the usual thing is making a HUGE deal out of it. 16th Birthday and all that

The parents have made a huge thing of it. The mum has possibly wanted to tell her DD how special, precious she is for years.

Maybe it's less of an issue to me, both my boys are equally important to me.
One IVF one not. I can't exactly say to ivf baby your Extra Special because you were conceived in a clinic and cost us a fortune.

I don't understand why it's such a big deal that your daughter was conceived via ivf rather than sex.. she was still grown and birthed the same way with the same parents

Our Son is IVF and is only 5 but knows already. He doesn’t understand what IVF is but it came up on conversation about where babies come from.

We used age appropriate language but basically told him that mummy & daddy wanted to have a baby but needed a little a help and a scientist helped us. He also has a book that explains the many ways to become a family, IVF, adoption, fostering etc.

It was never a taboo subject and something that we have never hidden. I can’t imagine a child caring their were conceived via IVF.

I do think it’s an odd thing to effectively hide until they are nearly an adult unless you have some shame over the fact this is how they were conceived and that’s why you didn’t tell them? Or that one child was naturally conceived and they wasn’t?

Think you really need to calm down about it, as much as you went through it with her, she physically had to have all the procedures etc and not to mention the birth, maybe it was a mummy daughter moment, whatever way you want to look at it I think its abit much for you to react this way. Give her a break

Why did you even wait till 16 I feel you have made this to be a huge deal when really it's not. You are both her bio parents it shouldn't have even been a sit down and talk moment it should have been something that was openly talked about as kids were growing up. I have the feeling if it was left to you then you would never have told her

My children have known they were conceived through IVF since they could talk... I just told them age appropriately, it's no big deal to them at all. I'm not sure why you kept making your wife wait to be honest like it's some huge dirty secret? I do agree ideally you should've been part of the conversation but maybe your wife got sick of waiting for you to tell her so just got on with it.

Your child was wanted so much that you went through IVF to get her, and you didn't wanna tell her as soon as she was old enough to comprehend? She wasn't adopted, it literally changes nothing about her life at all other than "my parents REALLY wanted me"

To start with, I assumed you meant donor conception....

But having IVF when you're both bio parents is really no big deal now..... A bit of a 'plumbing job' (not minimising the amazing research technology that went into it...!)

As up thread has said - usually this would come up in part of 'where did I come from' when she was about 6....

Do you think you should be involved in all decisions??

It does feel very controlling...

You talk like she was adopted or that a donor sperm or egg were use. When people don't have issues in their life, some desperately go looking. I know a few IVF babies, it's not even a conversation that needs to be necessarily had, never mind turned into such an astronomical deal ss if it's a sensitive issue. You prevented your wife from telling tell when she wanted to on several occasions, so she decided the time was right for HER. If you wanted to be part of the conversation, you shouldn't have been so controlling as if everything has to be be done on your terms. Stop with the entitlement, calm yourself and get a grip.

Can’t believe you didn’t start mentioning it when she was 6 not 16. I assume after a decade and a half of you not being ready your wife realised she had to just tell your daughter. How odd. Are you somehow embarrassed about having IVF? It’s not an issue and should have always been part of the conversation in the same way kids are told pretty early if they’re born by c section. It’s a vaguely interesting fact for them to know nothing more. Your child is probably baffled that if was mentioned for the first 16 years of her life but it’s just not a big deal.

I don’t understand what the problem is and why OP needed to be ready to tell the deaughter. It’s not a thing of shame and it’s not really something you need to keep secret. Unless OPs sperm didn’t work naturally and they’re ashamed of needing the helping hand then whats the deal?

Its not like we tell our kids exactly how they were conceived if it wasn’t ivf.

You ignored your wife's wishes every time she baugt it up and you didn't listen.
So why are your wishes more important than hers. You literally said she tried to talk to you about it.

Sorry, another YABU here. My DS has known he was IVF since 3. He hasn't got to sex ed age yet at school, but I know there are quite a few IVF kids in his year and I really hope they include it in the teaching.

Not being allowed to share my own physical experience about a significant life event that would come up quite often (mum's get asked about their pregnancies and conceiving a lot!) and can have long term effects is so ridiculously unfair. You've been unreasonable for 16 years and need to realise this so you can stop being even more unreasonable now by resenting your wife for being able to talk about her gruelling experience of months and months of hormone therapy, egg harvesting, and fears around implantation working. This is a uniquely female experience and your daughter is at a point where her life will also be affected by her biology.

This. Classic Mumsnet. The issue isn't the IVF, rather the partner ignored OP's wishes to tell what wa perceived to be big news.

But you ignored your wife's wishes and vetoed every time.
You may think you discussed and agreed butvI doubt that's how she sees it.

No idea why its such a big deal anyway
By holding back you created an issue

Tell her what though????
She wasn’t adopted . Simply born to her mum and dad .

How much longer was the wife not allowed to tell the Dd about iVF for . Another 16 years of dad not being “ready” to share a non issue

Indeed.

This.

Holding power of veto seems a bit controlling. Your wife had waited a very long time respecting your wishes. Sometimes you're just wrong about something and the other person doesn't have to obey you.