Told she was IVF

[Timbuck3]

Name changed for this:
My wife and I had a child and wanted a second. Wife couldn't conceive again so we went down the IVF route and she fell pregnant. Daughter was born. Wife asked me whether we should tell daughter she was conceived using IVF and I said, Yes, definitely, but only when the time was right.
Wife has asked a few times since and I've always said not yet.
In September last year we were having a discussion, can't remember about what exactly, but it came out that my daughter knew about her being IVF. I froze! My daughter said "I've known since March. Mum told me on my 16th birthday!"
I was furious! I should have been part of that conversation! I wouldn't have told her then because she was just coming up to doing her GCSEs, but she would have been told soon enough.
When I finally calmed down enough to properly discuss this with my wife, she just said, "Sorry, I didn't think it was that big a deal". Even though I'd told her often enough that i didn't think it was the right time.

I'm not saying that it had to be when I said so, but i think a decision like this should definitely have been a joint one with almost a power of veto.
I've deleted the poll as I'm not looking for a score, but just wanted opinions because despite it being months ago, I'm still seriously pissed off about it. I know I've got to have a proper discussion with my daughter about it, and I will, but I think it would have been a lovely discussion for the three of us to have had at the right time. I've effectively had that taken away from me.

Wtaf is wrong with you? You are being SO unreasonable. You have no right to control your DD’s access to this information or prevent your wife from sharing it.
It should not be made into a big deal in any case, it’s just a fact of how your child was conceived. No idea why you would want to hide this from her???

Mothers and daughters that have a good relationship often have discussions about all sorts of life topics. It’s possible that an opportunity to tell her came up during their conversations and your wife took it. She didn’t tell you about it as you’ve been dragging your feet making a decision when to reveal this ‘big secret’ for years.
It looks like your communication with your daughter could be improved as well, as this topic has been out in the open for a few months and you still did not discuss it with your daughter.
I have an IVF toddler and plan to discuss this openly way before teenage years.
Life is too short to stew and hold grudges for months on end OP.

You may have discussed it three or four times over the years and decided to wait - but it obviously wasn’t what your DW wanted, you persuaded her to agree with you.

She rightly thought at age 16, your DD should know so she decided to tell your DD without consulting you again. Obviously had enough of being controlled by you.

Why?

And did you have to sign something to agree to that?

Yeah why?

I think this is six of one, half a dozen of the other. I can see why OP wanted to be in agreement with wife on when this was shared. But then if he was stonewalling his wife for 16 years then something had to give.

I would never have thought of being conceived via IVF as a sensitive topic, however, if you and your wife agreed to tell your daughter together then it is unfair she did not stick to that agreement.

But, you say in your first post your “wife couldn’t conceive again”, not “we”, but your wife. Placing the reason for needing IVF firmly in her camp - perhaps she therefore felt it was something she wanted to address with her as if it was her fault to fix. I don’t know, I can only speculate. I just know from my own experience that fertility issues can make you feel as if you’ve let your partner / family down, especially if it is clear in a couple that the ‘issues’ sits with one person.

I get the point of your post is about your wife telling your daughter against your wishes, but I can't understand why you made a thing of needing to tell your daughter how she was conceived.

Why is it such a big deal to you?

There's a lot of documentation with IVF but I don't remember signing re that specifically no. But our Consultant said we absolutely should in case Ds inherits ExH sperm problems. And surely its on a child's medical records too ?

Dd was an ivf baby, now 5, I haven’t said anything or thought much about it 🤷🏻‍♀️Obviously when she’s a bit older, I’ll mention it in passing conversation, but no big reveal etc 😬

This thread has been really interesting

We conceived through IVF for our second child and I did think we should wait to tell her but now I’m not so sure. My biggest reason was I wanted her to be old enough and wise enough to be equipped to deal with any potential weird comments about being a ‘test tube baby’ if she were to discuss it with friends. But maybe this kind of prejudice is a thing of the past.

I think it's a weird thing to be upset about. I get that you would have preferred to have told her together but it's not like you're telling her there was donor eggs or sperm or that she had been adopted, it was just another means to conceive. In fact it demonstrates how much you both wanted her to have gone through such an invasive and emotionally fraught procedure. Let it go, life is too short to hang onto anger like that. Also it's bad for your own health, mental or otherwise, to do so.

@Bkue It honestly didn’t cross my mind that people would think like this these days

You're crazy op. You are being very unreasonable. Are you sure you don't mean she is adopted?! No idea why you'd hide her being an IVF baby. Really odd.

@Bkue I can't imagine a group of kids discussing their conception
I'd rather not think about how or where I was conceived

@Outthedoor24 lol I meant maybe more in an argument, it could be used against a child as a slur. I think I read someone saying that happened to them in an article years ago and it stuck in my mind. But the world has moved on. Thankfully. I guess it’s like lots of backward thinking that has changed dramatically in the last twenty odd years

YABU and making this into a far bigger deal than it needs to be. I also have 2 DC - the youngest is via IVF. It’s never been a huge secret to decide when to tell her or to sit her down and have a talk with. I find your attitude very odd.

If she wasn’t biologically yours or your wife’s, I would understand why you needed to have the conversation - as everyone has the right to know their identity. However I don’t think it’s a big deal that she found out earlier. Yes, you can be upset. However when would the right time have been? Also I’m not sure if there would be questions you expected to answer etc. I don’t think you should be mad at your wife.

Im not sure if children talk about how they were conceived. Well it could be a cultural thing from my point of view. Maybe as an adult, it’s worth knowing that you were conceived by IVF as it could be a useful reference. However at the age of 16, those conceived “naturally” would probably squirm at knowing how they were conceived - and so I’m not sure how one is to react to knowing that they were conceived via IVF. I also don’t know if the opposite is relevant, for example telling your child they were unplanned - it’s not a convo that pops up unless mother and daughter. I agree with PP - your daughter will understand the lengths you went.

I hope you can find a way to “forgive” her as it doesn’t sound like it was from a malicious place.

Your daughter will benefit from knowing, and it may have even come up organically in conversation (my mom and I have a close relationship and when I was having fertility issues I discussed everything going on with her, as well as when I was your daughter’s age the excruciating pain I had during menstruation that I was worried could be the result of a medical condition).

Difference is, me talking with her about these things wasn’t even a ‘it’s handy to talk about in case there’s a relevant hereditary condition/medical history’ thing, as I am adopted. I can’t remember ever not knowing so was told young, and it wasn’t made into a big scary deal. I don’t quite understand how it took so long for it to come up and your daughter find out, and it’s also nothing to be ashamed of and hide in the first place. It’s good your daughter took it well, but I think you’re maybe making it more of a thing than it should be. Absolutely it should have been agreed upon by both of you, but it does sound like your wife had been patient and it may have just come up naturally in conversation. IMO a big dramatic reveal would have made it a lot worse and more of a thing than it ever needed to be. Holding a grudge with your wife over this really isn’t healthy, and your defensiveness doesn’t really come across well on here.

I think you make really good points here. OP alluded to the need for IVF being as a result of mum's medical issues. He doesn't expand on that, fair enough. But that's quite a range of possible things to have been.

If it were a result of cancer treatment and the need to harvest eggs the daughter may have had questions about that and the implications - especially doing GCSE science/biology. If it were for gynae reasons, the daughter (presumably will have started her periods by then) may have started displaying similar symptoms and may have been worried.

That's just two broad categories but either way these were mum's questions to answer. The daughter may have been mortified to have her dad brought into that conversation. And what's dad going to add at this point? Reassurance that it wasn't his sperm that were the problem?

I mean, a big announcement on her 16th birthday seems a bit weird, but mum may have been fielding questions for a while, particularly if things are coming up because of her daughter maybe be having problems or just because of her exam revision given her birthday was in March. And the fact that mum has formally had that conversation 4 times with OP doesn't mean she hasn't tried to raise it other times with OP being closed enough to not even getting to a conversation he's registered.

I wonder where he was on her 16th birthday to miss the chat, if it was a more formal discussion.

I totally get that as an adult she should know but the conversation on her 16th sounds weird. Sit down something you need to know- you'd be thinking you were about to be told you were adopted or something.

I can imagine with some kids the subject would come up very young in the where do babies come from conversation.

Girls I can see it coming up with periods and stuff. And I can definitely see the conversation should happen from a medical history.

But I think Op has made it into a bigger deal than it should be

You are so so in the wrong, and so is your wife for waiting to 16. She should always have known, you are meant to say from 2 or 3 up in age appropriate language. Weird you think you can control your wife and your child's own life story. No it wouldn't be different if you were a woman!

Honestly it's not at all a big deal. We told my daughter (in an age appropriate way) when she was 5-ish. Turns out her best friend was too so they formed club in school 😀

I think whilst you see it as a joint decision as to when you tell your daughter, your wife felt that you made the decision without taking her thoughts into account and just decided for the both of you.

Out of curiosity what age where you planning on telling her? As it sounds like it was well into adulthood, which seems unfair. It also sounds like you hadn't planned to tell her this time around, it just slipped out that she already knew, so I'm wondering if you actually ever wanted to tell her and were just going to keep telling your wife that the time wasn't right?

You can't just decide things for the both of you and insist your partner is happy with that.

Your wife has listened to you for years and held off on telling your child something she should always have known about.
IVF isn't shameful or a big deal and you are blowing it out of all proportion.

For those saying "my children have never asked about their conception" - mine haven't, thankfully, but they have asked questions like "did you plan to have a baby?" Questions usually come up once a year or so after the latest round of sex education in school.

I did not go through IVF, but if you did, why would you keep it a secret from your child, surely that would help them feel so secure in how much they were wanted?