Told she was IVF

[Timbuck3]

Name changed for this:
My wife and I had a child and wanted a second. Wife couldn't conceive again so we went down the IVF route and she fell pregnant. Daughter was born. Wife asked me whether we should tell daughter she was conceived using IVF and I said, Yes, definitely, but only when the time was right.
Wife has asked a few times since and I've always said not yet.
In September last year we were having a discussion, can't remember about what exactly, but it came out that my daughter knew about her being IVF. I froze! My daughter said "I've known since March. Mum told me on my 16th birthday!"
I was furious! I should have been part of that conversation! I wouldn't have told her then because she was just coming up to doing her GCSEs, but she would have been told soon enough.
When I finally calmed down enough to properly discuss this with my wife, she just said, "Sorry, I didn't think it was that big a deal". Even though I'd told her often enough that i didn't think it was the right time.

I'm not saying that it had to be when I said so, but i think a decision like this should definitely have been a joint one with almost a power of veto.
I've deleted the poll as I'm not looking for a score, but just wanted opinions because despite it being months ago, I'm still seriously pissed off about it. I know I've got to have a proper discussion with my daughter about it, and I will, but I think it would have been a lovely discussion for the three of us to have had at the right time. I've effectively had that taken away from me.

Are you usually very controlling to your wife?

A partner should not ignore your expressed wishes... As long as they're reasonable.
Treating this like some massive thing your child could only hear about at adulthood.... It's a little bizarre. It sounds controlling, in a way.
I'm sure your child found it interesting, but I can't get my head around why you thought it deserved to be some sort of grandstanding revelation.

I find this thread very interesting. My own child was an IVF baby, conceived after 6 failed attempts.

I've considered discussing it, but frankly I come up every time with why? He was conceived one way, the child sitting next to him in class may have been conceived in a bed, on a beach, in a lift between floors. Who discusses conception with their parents on a regular and routine basis?

The rationale, I suppose is that child may in future have difficulty conceiving. I can see an argument for sharing on that level. The reason that my child was IVF was due to his father being infertile, but I am as certain as I could possibly be that that will not impact my child (medically confirmed, not my opinion).

In the case of the OP, it's clearly much more of a big deal. That's his issue to unpick. I do think it would have been wise under those circumstances to have conceded much earlier to his wife's urging to do so together and sooner.

Finally. As the OP I'd reflect that the child knows, how is irrelevant now compared to the fact that the child clearly isn't phased. Which is, surely now, the only really important thing.

For me, this is akin to me telling my daughter she was born via c section. she asked how the baby comes out when I was expecting my second, and I explained about the c section. No big deal, not really a thing.

she did for a time assume all babies were born that way.

I'm imagining a sort of "Conception Reveal" party. All the nibbles in Petrie dishes, sperm and egg balloons with sad faces.

For infertile, read slow and low count mobility sperm.

In what capacity were you not “ready” to tell her? I wonder whether this has something to do with you thinking she links IVF with your personal inability to conceive… she literally wouldn’t even think about it - you seem to have your own issues that need addressing. How this wasn’t just a normal part of conversation throughout her life anyway is weird.

i told my daughter when she was 12. It’s entirely up to you if you feel it’s a big deal or not. It’s personal to you. Your wife should have waited to tell her together but it’s quite late to wait until 16. For those who say it doesn’t matter actually I think it’s important to know in case there turn out to be health implications later ie if they have fertility issues the dr may want to know if they were ivf.

@Vitriolinsanity

I conceived naturally but had a c section. My kids know about the "natural birth" way and the c section way and about the fact that some people need assistance from doctors to conceive (came up naturally when asked how two ladies have a baby together). Whether you want to tell your children is totally up to you, but it is something that can just filter in without too much effort!

Fair point, particularly if you have a C scar that's going to invoke curiosity.

My point I suppose, did one ever (pre IVF) ever discuss conception with their parents? The vast majority on this thread say IVF, not a big deal. If so, why (apparat from difficulty they may inherit) should it be a necessity to discuss?

Thank you for your words, I appreciate them! Looking back I can’t quite believe how I tortured myself, but I definitely felt like a failure as a woman, blamed myself (it was discovered during ivf that I actually have low ovarian reserve whereas we’d started ivf for dodgy sperm).

Thankfully I’m in a much better headspace now and it was a means to an end which I got extremely lucky in! I’m so sorry for what your doctor said to you, I know how much that desperately must have hurt. It wouldn’t have killed her to speak with care to you knowing your fertility history. I’m really glad you had the children you wanted.

@MuchTooTired bless you lovely x

She shouldn't have gone against your wishes BUT your wishes were completely out of order. How can the time not have been right during that entire time? Would the time ever have been right? How do you imagine the conversation to have gone?

I have friends that have had IVF babies and not one of them has had it kept a secret. You had assistance in getting pregnant, you're acting as if she was adopted.

Why were you so controlling about it? You're being oddly over the top.

I think people are forgetting how traumatic the IVF journey can be. We don't know if OP and wife fell pg on 1st attempt or went through hell and back to get there, maybe lost many years in the process, we don't know how it affected their relationship or outlook on life. I don't think its strange for a man to feel the pain of that time any less than a woman. Even thinking about it now makes me sad, it was the most horrendous time and I was one of the lucky successful ones.

@MoreDollies I was adopted too and that definitely affected me. No medical history, (except ironically the knowledge that my mother conceived easily) but also fearing that I would have no blood relations. It brought up a lot of issues.

Are you this controlling about other things you don't want your wife and daughter to talk about?

It's their story more than yours. Very unreasonable to censor it.

Have you banned your wife from talking about it to others over the years? Seeking support if she needed it?

You clearly have issues about not being able to conceive naturally but it's not fair to make your wife keep it secret like it's something to be ashamed of. Perhaps you need to address your feelings about it via therapy?

Additionally, i also think your daughter has a RIGHT to know if her own reproductive journey is likely to be not straightforward. Some forms of infertility can be inherited and it would be better for her to know that if the case. If not at 16 then when on earth would you have told her? When she's married and struggling to conceive herself?

It makes sense that an adult who might be making decisions on getting married, having kids vs a few more years being single living the high life should be 100% aware "Baby's don't come to order" and there was a family history of fertility issues.

I really don't see what difference it makes to a child who isn't interested in having kids at that point in time

I never felt the need to bring it up. I've one natural conception and one IVf. Neither ever asked where babies come from. Or they were told Mummy's Tummy, they never asked beyond that.

I think you should have told her as soon as you were talking about anything to do with telling her about 'the birds and the bees'. It wasn't your secret to keep from her. It was her personal information to know as soon as she could understand.

I have children cenceived naturally and by ivf. All knew from very young when they had books about how bodies work. Preschool age. No issues. Nothing worse for a child than being lied to and having things about them kept from them.

Anything to do with your wife is a red herring. The issue should be child centred. Is your daughter happy with how she was told?

I had IVF 20 years ago & our NHS clinic said we had to tell any resulting baby.

Can I ask when you would have thought was the right time? Your daughter seems very non-plussed by it. I do agree that your wife should have discussed it with you, but maybe she felt you were NEVER going to want to tell her. 16 is quite old. I'm sure you had the whole "where babies come from" talk with her at some stage. Then would have been a really good time to explain that babies are a miracle, and sometimes people need a little help to have them.

I honestly don't believe it even needed to be a huge "we all sit down together and talk about it" moment. Did you have the same moment with your other daughter?!

I'm being a bit facetious, but I honestly think this is a much much bigger deal to you then it is to anyone else in your family.

I find the whole premise of this weird, to be honest, that there is a 'right time' to tell a child something that really, they should always have known without it being made out to be a big thing.

I remember reading a phrase on here once: "Truth should never be 'told', it should always just be" which really resonates - whether that 'truth' relates to a child's history, parentage, adoption, conception, whatever. There shouldn't be a big 'reveal' at the 'right time', it should just, quite matter of factly, be part of a child's life from the earliest days.

My eldest was conceived naturally, we needed IVF for our second, third then conceived naturally (after failed IVFs). We never kept any of this a secret, I can't remember actually telling any of the DC - we just talked about it and continue to talk about it quite openly.

OP I can appreciate that you feel hurt that your wife talked to DD without discussing with you, but tbh I think you're both unreasonable. I don't understand why you would wait 16 years in the first place!

My IVF baby has always known

@Timbuck3 This should not be about when you "are ready", but when your child was ready and that is from a very young age (pre-primary).

Families come in all shapes and forms, so I don't understand the fuss. I know tons of children who were were conceived via ivf and they all know. It is children who DON'T know about their histories or who discover secrets who struggle.

My kids have quite a few friends who were IVF, I’m sure most of them knew from early primary school as my son came home asking about it and some of them told me in the way that children share random information