Told she was IVF

[Timbuck3]

Name changed for this:
My wife and I had a child and wanted a second. Wife couldn't conceive again so we went down the IVF route and she fell pregnant. Daughter was born. Wife asked me whether we should tell daughter she was conceived using IVF and I said, Yes, definitely, but only when the time was right.
Wife has asked a few times since and I've always said not yet.
In September last year we were having a discussion, can't remember about what exactly, but it came out that my daughter knew about her being IVF. I froze! My daughter said "I've known since March. Mum told me on my 16th birthday!"
I was furious! I should have been part of that conversation! I wouldn't have told her then because she was just coming up to doing her GCSEs, but she would have been told soon enough.
When I finally calmed down enough to properly discuss this with my wife, she just said, "Sorry, I didn't think it was that big a deal". Even though I'd told her often enough that i didn't think it was the right time.

I'm not saying that it had to be when I said so, but i think a decision like this should definitely have been a joint one with almost a power of veto.
I've deleted the poll as I'm not looking for a score, but just wanted opinions because despite it being months ago, I'm still seriously pissed off about it. I know I've got to have a proper discussion with my daughter about it, and I will, but I think it would have been a lovely discussion for the three of us to have had at the right time. I've effectively had that taken away from me.

I agree he doesn't sound like a bully but he does sound incredibly weird

Weird. It's not a big deal.

YABU to have sought to impose your preference on this against your wife’s wishes until your DC was well into the teens.

pregnancy and birth concerns your wife’s body: it’s her information to share or not.

I am going to go against the grain here and say YANBU.

Dealing with 'the facts of life' and sex education in general etc is something that many parents will want to deal with together, and this comes under that category.

Secondly, while there should be no more shame in having infertility that in having a cold, it is obviously personal medical information. I made clear when pregnant and dealing with various gynaeological issues (that can cause infertility) that certain details were not to be shared outside of the two of us, with my husband. I don't discuss any health issues he has pertaining to his bits with other people either. If you agreed to discussion that would be fine, but you hadn't.

Thirdly, while everybody is being seriously cool in their approach to IVF now, they are forgetting how dramatically society has shifted in its values in recent years. I remember a healthcare professional ranting at me 20 years ago that they didn't think IVF should be allowed 'as there were enough buggers in the world'. It was deemed a topic of 'debate', and I entirely understand how somebody who underwent that treatment at that time doesn't ever wish to open up details about that part of their medical history for public consumption.

Finally, I do think you should have told your daughter sooner though. Even 5 years ago the stigma had alieviated and she was certainly old enough to understand.

Why on earth is this an issue? Or why does there have to be a big family /joint 'reveal' or discussion? It's just - as others have said - a pretty routine (and pretty wonderful) medical procedure.

It's not relevant to your daughter's health needs - UNLESS (and you have not said this) IVF had a significant impact on your daughter's healthy development OR there was some important medical reason why IVF was necessary that might be replicated when your daughter herself hopes to have children. In that case, a quiet suggestion to discuss this with a medical professional is probably all that's required.

If I were a teen, I'd strongly label any wider family discussion of this procedure as 'TMI'. The absolutely last thing most young people want to think about is the personal mechanics of how they were conceived. And why should it matter - to them or to you - anyway?? Sperm + egg = baby. That's what matters.

If parents do want to mention it - that is absolutely their prerogative, though I really can't think why - then either when the child is very young and/or when the topic is discussed in sex education classes at school would seem to be the most appropriate occasions.

If donor eggs/sperm involved, then that is of course totally different. For medical and genetics reasons.

You’ve confirmed not donor sperm, presumably no donor egg either?

My son was IVF conceived, own eggs own sperm. He’s 7. I’ve mentioned in passing that doctors helped us have him and as soon as he learns how natural conception works I’ll explain to him that that’s only one way, and how IVF works.

Can I be brutal here? It probably seems like a bigger dirty secret to you because for you it involved having a wank in a hospital room with a pile of laminated magazines. The woman doesn’t really think about that bit, we see it as much more like an operation.

I know so many people who have had IVF, most kids won’t care in the slightest.

I think it’s really strange that she hasn’t always known. We told DS from before he was old enough to remember. Not “we had in vitro fertilisation you conceive you”. More “we wanted a baby for a long time and couldn’t have one so the doctors helped us”.

Why are you so weird about it? It’s not a dirty secret, you should be proud!

What a weird thread - do people normally discuss with their children where they were conceived?

Am I odd because I didn't think it was an issue?
Different if it was Donor spearm eggs or whatever yes children need to be told.

But normal straight forward IVF vs doggy style?

Oh and btw now he’s 11 and knows he was made in a Petri dish just off j26 of the m1. We mention it every time we drive past lol.

I’m a 32 year old ivf baby and my mum always told me how I was conceived as a bedtime story ‘went to hospital, they took a bit of me bit of dad, put it together and they made sure all was well then put you back in to grow’ I mean it was much sweeter than that but as I grew obviously more info was added but I felt so special and treasured!

Get a grip

32 years ago it was way more of an unusual thing though.

Sorry: didn’t mean that in an age-shaming way! 🤭Just that your life has happened to straddle a period of rapid developments on that front.

True!

This…

I'm so bizarrely baffled there you would think IVF was a thing to be told

In a round about way I thought most people did? When you’re talking about how babies are made don’t most people go through the various ways that people have babies? It just seems to fall naturally alongside some people adopt and some people have help from doctors.

The boring ‘mum and dad bunked up once or twice’ is taken as a given.

It's her medical history, whereas you wanked into a jar. Her information, not yours,

Weird but also to still be this angry (enough to vent on MN) having found out about this in September but the actual 'reveal' conversation happened in March last year. That's a lot of anger.

I do understand why, in the immediate aftermath, he might have felt anger at his wife having that conversation and if OP had posted about this in September, I would find his AIBU question more reasonable. But to still be angry despite the world not imploding (ie any worst case scenario-type fears not coming to fruition) it pushes him into "you are now being unreasonable" territory, especially given the way OP described the scenario, even having had 4 months to reflect on it

Out of interest, did you keep it a secret from all family and friends when you were going through IVF (presuming so if your daughter was not supposed to know yet)? I understand not sharing widely but that’s a lot to go through without anyone else knowing.

Seems like you are ashamed of having to have had IVF which is rather sad.

this is just wierd :S ... why would anyone care if they were brought into the world via IVF or through theyre parents fucking????

I would prefer to have been conceived through IVF than the knowledge of the latter tbh at that age haha, Either way your acting like you were telling her she was adopted. chill

I've never thought about it before, but I'm really grateful that I have no idea how I was conceived.

Totally agree!!!

😆😆😆😆