Told she was IVF

[Timbuck3]

Name changed for this:
My wife and I had a child and wanted a second. Wife couldn't conceive again so we went down the IVF route and she fell pregnant. Daughter was born. Wife asked me whether we should tell daughter she was conceived using IVF and I said, Yes, definitely, but only when the time was right.
Wife has asked a few times since and I've always said not yet.
In September last year we were having a discussion, can't remember about what exactly, but it came out that my daughter knew about her being IVF. I froze! My daughter said "I've known since March. Mum told me on my 16th birthday!"
I was furious! I should have been part of that conversation! I wouldn't have told her then because she was just coming up to doing her GCSEs, but she would have been told soon enough.
When I finally calmed down enough to properly discuss this with my wife, she just said, "Sorry, I didn't think it was that big a deal". Even though I'd told her often enough that i didn't think it was the right time.

I'm not saying that it had to be when I said so, but i think a decision like this should definitely have been a joint one with almost a power of veto.
I've deleted the poll as I'm not looking for a score, but just wanted opinions because despite it being months ago, I'm still seriously pissed off about it. I know I've got to have a proper discussion with my daughter about it, and I will, but I think it would have been a lovely discussion for the three of us to have had at the right time. I've effectively had that taken away from me.

Could you be any ruder?!

Just no need.

Yes I don't see this as a problem either tbh, neither does your daughter by the sounds of it. Not sure why you want it to be such a big deal? Confused?

I was desperately ashamed of needing ivf and refused to tell anyone. My DH largely fell in line with me I think, and I remember being furious when he did tell people.

Once time had passed during the pregnancy and I had moved on with the passing of time from the trauma of it, when it’s relevant I mention it to people. The kids (ours are 6) know that mummy needed some extra help getting pregnant with them, and that I had ivf which I’ve told them, not us together.

Personally, I see your wife’s point of view unless you made it extremely clear it was a conversation to be had together.

@Cornettoninja if it had been a family discussion, I bet the DD would have sat there feeling like she was inadvertantly watching a sexy scene in a film with her parents #squirm

Yes, I could.

@Falkenburg you say his wife has 'undermined' him. He refused to share this (pretty inconsequential) information for 16 years. His wife wanted to be open about it. Why does he have authority here, and why do you see his wife's decision as undermining? If he'd refused to tell her for another five years, ten years, forty years - would it still be undermining for his wife to share with her daughter? The information doesn't belong to him. And, given there was no donor, there was never a need for a big family discussion anyway.

Total non issue, why are you making it one?

I think that she could/should have been told earlier, that would not have been a huge issues unless one was made. However, I kind of see why you are annoyed as it was something that had been agreed to decide upon together and that had been said several times. So unilaterally deciding to change that was wrong.

But you were ignoring her wishes too! For 16 years!!!

I thought you were going to say your wife told her when she was 5, not 16! It is part of her history so why on earth wait that long.

incidentally it is not that your wife couldn’t conceive again; you as a couple couldn’t conceive again. Is this the actual issue though and why you are sensitive about it being IVF; the problem lay with you not your wife?

@MoreDollies i agree there is no shame in IVF, but not because its relatively common, but because there is no shame in any surgical procedure. There is also no shame in the less common things, like donor eggs and sperm, or adoption, there are differences for sure, but no shame.

@MuchTooTired I'm sorry you felt that way. I do think it's probably quite a natural human response to feel sadness (or more) if there's conception issues. Us women particularly (and maybe men too but they don't tend to share those thoughts widely) tend to lean towards the idea that it must be something we have done and so I can totally understand the feeling of guilt or shame that might go along with that.

We didn't need to get as far as IVF with either of mine but for #1, given I am adopted, and there were no signs of pregnancy after 12 months of trying, week-late periods but no positives, I remember sobbing at the doctors. And her cold response (yes, her) was "well I don't know why you're so upset, you're either pregnant or you're not". At that moment I felt like such a failure...

I quite agree (adopted here) hence the bafflement at needing it to be such a secret

He says they agreed, but we have to take his word that his wife wasn't forced to agree rather than it being a genuinely mutual decision.

Being conceived by ivf is so common. I'm not sure why you are being weird about it. Maybe you are ashamed? Absolutely ridiculous if so. Was she bottle fed too? Are you going to wait til she's 18 to tell her?

You sound a controlling bully.

Yes OP I do think people have been a bit harsh around any impact it may have had on you. As this poster said, it can be a really traumatic time for the parents and I can well see it might loom large in your mind. But I really don’t think it will in DD’s mind ( or anyone else’s). And at least having dipped your toe into this thread you might realise how comparatively conciliatory your wife’s response has been to your concern compared with what it could have been! Enjoy your family.

A "lovely discussion"?! Pretty cringey for your teen, who absolutely doesn't want to hear about their conception.

No one is saying it’s ok to ignore your other half’s wishes…… just that your wishes are bonkers!

A) this isn't a big deal and I've no idea why you ever thought it was one, and
B) if it were a big deal, the 'right' time to have started telling her would have been way before she had any concept of what you were even talking about, so she never had to 'find out' about it and just already knew. But fortunately because of A) that's not an issue here.

Totally agree. What teenager wants to know their parents have sex or that dad put it in a cup. No teen especially a girl wants to hear this. It's tone deaf.

Regardless of whether your wife should have gone ahead without your agreement, you should never have left it this long. You'd have been best to weave this sort of thing into her growing up without letting it become a big deal. Secrets kept about conception / sperm donation / adoption etc can go horribly wrong when revealed.

Maybe it just came up naturally and organically and it wasn't a biggy for either of them. It sounds like you wanted to make a formal announcement or something, make more if it than it really warranted. Your reaction to it is extreme. I don't understand why you would feel so upset by it. What will your DD remember about learning she was conceived through ivf - her dad's very emotional and confusing reaction.

He really doesn't. Are men not allowed to disagree and be angry with women without being bullies?

My h refused to let me tell our child they were a twin but I'd lost the other one. Kept saying it was the wrong time, too young, other stuff going on. I feel they should have grown up always knowing. Started talking about it from a young age. As it was, I told them a few months ago after discussing it with a friends child who is also a twin. My child is 18. My child has taken it well. They thought I was about to say they were adopted. She should have discussed it with you and maybe you all sit together when telling her.