Told she was IVF

[Timbuck3]

Name changed for this:
My wife and I had a child and wanted a second. Wife couldn't conceive again so we went down the IVF route and she fell pregnant. Daughter was born. Wife asked me whether we should tell daughter she was conceived using IVF and I said, Yes, definitely, but only when the time was right.
Wife has asked a few times since and I've always said not yet.
In September last year we were having a discussion, can't remember about what exactly, but it came out that my daughter knew about her being IVF. I froze! My daughter said "I've known since March. Mum told me on my 16th birthday!"
I was furious! I should have been part of that conversation! I wouldn't have told her then because she was just coming up to doing her GCSEs, but she would have been told soon enough.
When I finally calmed down enough to properly discuss this with my wife, she just said, "Sorry, I didn't think it was that big a deal". Even though I'd told her often enough that i didn't think it was the right time.

I'm not saying that it had to be when I said so, but i think a decision like this should definitely have been a joint one with almost a power of veto.
I've deleted the poll as I'm not looking for a score, but just wanted opinions because despite it being months ago, I'm still seriously pissed off about it. I know I've got to have a proper discussion with my daughter about it, and I will, but I think it would have been a lovely discussion for the three of us to have had at the right time. I've effectively had that taken away from me.

After literally 17 years you weren't ready to talk about it?

Honest to god get over it!

@Timbuck3 probably should have been part of child appropriate conversations from day 1. It doesn’t have to be a big sit down revelation, and I personally feel it needn’t be. It’s only become an issue now as you have allowed her to grow up not knowing. Just my personal opinion based on personal experience.

Most teenagers are pretty convinced their parents only did it the same amount of times as the number of children they had. She is probably just relieved that no sex between her parents was involved in her conception.

Our daughter is from ivf. We've always been open about needing help to have a baby. She's doing human reproduction in school shortly that will cover ivf so we will make sure that she understands "needing help" = ivf for us. It is part of her story.

Whilst I generally agree that one parent shouldn’t tell the child something if the other parent wants to wait, I also think it was really inappropriate to make this into a big ‘we have to sit down and tell her’ situation.

You've made it into some massive big deal. If my DH had been like that I would have vetoed his veto and just gone ahead and told the child naturally during conversation.

It is rubbish that you weren’t part of that conversation but as neither of you could agree on when to tell her I don’t think that it’s surprising that this happened. Neither of you is at fault and while I understand why you are upset it’s done now.

Do you have communication issues within your relationship other than this?

Wow as the person least impacted by ivf how do you manage to make this all about yourself.

And just for the record, on each occasion my wife brought up telling her, maybe 3 or 4 times over the years, we DISCUSSED it, and decided between US that WE, rightly or wrongly, would leave it for the time being.

Or another way of looking at that is everytime she brought up that she wanted to tell your daughter you talked about why it shouldn’t happen then until she gave up

I think it's nonsense that MN always backs a woman v man in any situation but IF the OP's wife did think, fuck it, I went through all the injections and hormones, the operation, the insemination, the pregnancy, labour and birth and my baby is 16 years old today and I'm telling her and he's only going to try to stop me if I talk to him about it (which the OP states he would have done), then being the woman in that circumstance is of course going to garner more support than the man.

For those saying it might have been a donor egg then she should have been told years ago, and the wife should have gone against OP’s wishes

They are probably speculating, that’s all. OP isn’t going to come back and give more information. Overwhelmingly posters are saying IVF is common and nothing to hide.

Rather than trying to apportion blame, most of us have mentioned shame in the context of trying to understand why it's never been the right time to share something like this. If the mum has wanted to share but he has refused 4 times, there must be a reason why he hasn't thought DD should know or why he hasn't wanted to tell her. Given IVF is relatively common there is no shame in using it if needed. OP has already indicated that both are biological parents so it's not like he's trying to delay because there is an awful secret he is trying to find the right words over. The logical conclusion is that he must have negative feelings about the process that his wife does not.

This isn’t about you. It’s about your daughter. I take it she’s ok with the info? If she is job done.

Did you use donors or something ? I only ever seen this behaviour from someone if they are nit biologically connected to the child

I think if it's been brought up multiple times you should have just told her.
Waiting until your child is older than 10 (about the time they are having sex ed) is stupid.
For the record I also think you are being melodramatic.. This is a non issue.
It's a bit weird to be so fixated on this when it's just a different method of fertilising her egg with your sperm.. It's not like you used donor sperm.

But why was it such a big deal? Just because egg and sperms were put together in a dish??

You are the one creating the drama here,it sounds like YOU have issues about IVF.

Let it go!

Good point, I think I need to bring it up in conversation. My older DS asked as he went out the door this morning if an illness Grandad has is hereditary and I thought I really should mention that Grandad is not 'Grandad' 😳so I think I have bigger fish to fry. I genuinely never thought about telling the twins so this thread has been quite helpful to me.

Well you ignored your wife's wishes for a very long time, it seems.

She kept communicating to you that she wanted to tell her and you kept saying not yet.

You SHOULD have taken your wife's (the one who went through the IVF) wishes more on board.

She clearly decided she wasn't willing to put her own needs behind yours any longer. Good for her

Yes, decision should be joint however your wife came to you on more than one occasion and you said it wasn’t the right time: that doesn’t sound like a discussion, that sounds like a veto. perhaps reflect on how you both communicate with each other and how you both interpret what the other is trying to say

I thought OP said his wife didn’t conceive which gave me the impression it was a female reproductive issue. Anyway, whole business a non issue. Just enjoy your healthy DD OP and I bet she couldn’t care less (except perhaps a quick glow of relief).

My friends baby was icsi, she's 5 now and has know since whe was old enough to ask for a baby brother or sister for Christmas as it's not possible. They said to get mummy and daddy had to have special help to get you and it took a really long time, and we think our family is complete with just you. She was fine and got a puppy instead.

As you and your wife made it such an event then yes you probably should have told her together. But really I wouldn't have told her at all unless she asked, unless a donor or surrogate was used.

I agree with you op, it should have been something that you all sat down as a family and revealed

Really? Really?

sorry but that’s just weird.

What’s weird is that she got to
16 and didn’t know that. Surely you’d tell
when you were having the conversation about the diff ways babies can be made?

Although I’m assuming here it’s both your biological child ?

I genuinely think this is probably much closer to the DD’s thoughts

I don't understand why the child would need to be told at all, unless a donor sperm was used and this isn't the case, here.

The impregnation bit isn't usually the bit people chat about, right?!