Told she was IVF

[Timbuck3]

Name changed for this:
My wife and I had a child and wanted a second. Wife couldn't conceive again so we went down the IVF route and she fell pregnant. Daughter was born. Wife asked me whether we should tell daughter she was conceived using IVF and I said, Yes, definitely, but only when the time was right.
Wife has asked a few times since and I've always said not yet.
In September last year we were having a discussion, can't remember about what exactly, but it came out that my daughter knew about her being IVF. I froze! My daughter said "I've known since March. Mum told me on my 16th birthday!"
I was furious! I should have been part of that conversation! I wouldn't have told her then because she was just coming up to doing her GCSEs, but she would have been told soon enough.
When I finally calmed down enough to properly discuss this with my wife, she just said, "Sorry, I didn't think it was that big a deal". Even though I'd told her often enough that i didn't think it was the right time.

I'm not saying that it had to be when I said so, but i think a decision like this should definitely have been a joint one with almost a power of veto.
I've deleted the poll as I'm not looking for a score, but just wanted opinions because despite it being months ago, I'm still seriously pissed off about it. I know I've got to have a proper discussion with my daughter about it, and I will, but I think it would have been a lovely discussion for the three of us to have had at the right time. I've effectively had that taken away from me.

@Timbuck3 Is your daughter genetically both of yours and not using a donor egg?

I don't think it's a big deal at all. I don't think your child needs to know the specifics of how they were conceived, and if they do know, I don't think it's some major, traumatic revelation.

IVF is commonplace.

Surrogacy/sperms donors etc then yes I'd expect to have a conversation when they're old enough to understand.

It was where I was...."Can you climb glass? No? So how did you get out of the test tube? Hahahahahaha!!!!!"

(I didn't say it was clever or funny!)

I just can't think of any other reason why this is such a big deal, why it needs this big family revelation, why it ever needed to be kept secret from her at all.

@nonomono I would maybe agree with you except that it was the woman in this scenario who went through the medical procedures and gave birth. It is actually her medical record to share not his to gatekeep, not forgetting it's also DDs medical history too.

Of course, in an ideal world things would be done mutually, however OP has made it very clear that it was his right to veto, irrespective of the feelings of his wife and disregarding the feelings of his daughter.

God you’re dramatic 🤦🏻‍♀️

Surrogacy/sperms donors etc then yes I'd expect to have a conversation when they're old enough to understand.

The egg can be a donor egg.

He's not mentioned if it was. Everyone is assuming it wasn't a donor egg.

The fact that you wanted it to be an occasion to be decided upon and you wanted it to be a discussion for the 3 of you, shows you wanted it to be a thing bigger than it needed to be.

It should be no big deal, and certainly not something to make your child feel any lesser or different to being conceived naturally.

I would’ve mentioned it without ceremony and at the age when they start asking about how they were made - which with both of mine was at about 5/6.

What a weird thread. You were about 10 years too late with some decidedly unexciting information.

If you had agreed to discuss it first then on the face of it, then the two of you should have had a chat.

However, it was ridiculous to keep this a secret in the first place.

And double however, if you thought her sixteenth birthday was too early, that's just bizarre.

Your wife had obviously had enough of asking you and always being told it wasn't the right time.

You appear to be being a bit precious about all this? what was your rationale for hiding it, and when did you think was going to be the right time?

In my home, we answer all questions and talk about everything and anything in an age appropriate way. So waiting until your DS was 16 to tell her seems very odd to me. Good on your wife for telling her, I’m sure your DD didn’t bat an eyelid and might be a bit miffed she wasn’t told beforehand.

When was going to be a right time for you ?? Why did you want to make such a big deal about it? The time to have the conversation was years and years ago when your DD would have had questions/you talked about ‘where babies come from/how they are made’. Or have you not yet had that conversation ??:

Wait what? We have to tell kids they’re IVF? It never crossed my mind that I’d have to have that discussion with my youngest.

I mean it sucks your wife went behind your back but I don’t think it was a life changing news either.

I don’t get the impression that posters generally think there is shame around IVF, many are saying it is fairly commonplace and normalised. What people are saying is that if the child was not biologically the OP’s then they could understand why he felt the need to be present when they told their child but, even if that were the case, 16 is incredibly late to pass on that info. As it is most posters can’t understand why he left it so late and why it was so important to be present when she was told.

Are you ashamed of going down the IVF route or something? Was it due to your infertility that you had to do IVF? Just trying to work out why you feel it's a big deal nowadays.

YABU for making a big deal about it, it's not like you were telling her she's adopted. That said if your wife knew it meant that much to you she shouldn't have gone behind your back.

It’s a discussion, it’s what most couples in healthy relationships do.

She knew full well that DH wanted to be part of the discussion, so why not say it’s going to happen today.

Or if it came out naturally/accidentally, as things sometimes do, why not just give DH a heads up.

Why leave it for their child to be the one to tell him, knowing how hurt he’d be over not being included in it.

The actual thing doesn’t matter, it doesn’t matter if its telling them that Santa is not real, that they’re born on a leap year or were in the ICU etc.

If it’s a conversation that both parents want to be a part of, then it’s only fair that they both are or at the very least the other parent is told soon after.

There have been threads on here about partners giving their baby’s the first taste of solid food etc and being upset about missing it and posters say how it should have been done together as discussed and that he doesn’t have the right to trump the mum.
Its funny how it’s completely opposite for this thread.

Quote from OP ….. know I've got to have a proper discussion with my daughter about it, and I will, but I think it would have been a lovely discussion for the three of us to have had at the right time. I've effectively had that taken away from me…end quote

And this is ridiculous too - you know you’ve got to talk to your DD about it but you’ve known since last September that she knows - so three or four months later, you still haven’t talked to her. Though what there is to talk about, I don’t know.

A lovely discussion to have at the right time - you make it sound cringe!

Some of these replies are odd. I honestly think that if it were the other way around, i.e. wife posting about husband suddenly telling dc without her, the replies would be outraged on the wife's behalf... (and I'm writing this a woman!)

OP isn't discussing on mumsnet whether IVF is a big deal and its not for us outsiders to comment on why they didn't tell her from the beginning. It seems like he wanted to sit down with his wife to tell their daughter, and if they've discussed doing this on several occasions before, I assume the wife agreed (otherwise wouldn't have waited 16 years to "reveal") so in this case, I would be annoyed as OP. She went against their (presumed) agreement without telling OP and OP wanted to be there! It's not like he wasn't part of the IVF journey.

I Cannot believe you left it so long. I wouldn’t have wanted to go behind your back but she tried repeatedly.

I thought this too. It’s maybe slightly less weird if that event was a nice clinical environment not involving images you don’t want to dwell about your parents, but even then I can only really see it’s relevance being in the fact that the parents probably went through quite a range of emotions etc with it all and maybe they want to share that part of their lives. But honestly if my dcs were conceived via ivf I would only have thought to mention it if asked directly.

Bizarre that she didn’t know until 16! When my dd was in primary a couple of her friends were conceived via ivf as their mums were gay - at one of DD’s bday parties - maybe her 10th - they were talking about it proudly!!
It’s done now and yes, it may have been nice if you were there, but perhaps it came up in conversation and it felt natural
to say it?

I think you are over reacting big time.

I don't understand why you kept saying the time isn't right, its really not a big deal! You are the only one making it a big deal. You said you were not saying it had to be when you said so but that that's what it sounds like. You were furious she ignored your wishes but you ignored hers!

How odd to leave it so late, I’ve already told my three year old, I think it’s something cool for kids to be excited about, that they were “made by science!” not something shameful to be hidden. On the point of your wife telling on her own, in my opinion since it was her that went through the process, often gruelling, it’s her info to share as she sees fit

In 16 years, you hadn't found the right time? I don't know why you think that conceiving via IVF is such a massive issue, but it's very clear you had no intention of telling her.

@spanishviola I do agree that it's late to share the information but a number of posters have talked about shame, when OP has not, and Im querying if this is projection, especially as many have also said she is biologically yours so not an issue. It's quite nuanced...

I agree with you op, it should have been something that you all sat down as a family and revealed.

I do think that she should have been told earlier but that's yours and your wife's personal choice to wait until she was older.

Your wife has undermined you.