Told she was IVF

[Timbuck3]

Name changed for this:
My wife and I had a child and wanted a second. Wife couldn't conceive again so we went down the IVF route and she fell pregnant. Daughter was born. Wife asked me whether we should tell daughter she was conceived using IVF and I said, Yes, definitely, but only when the time was right.
Wife has asked a few times since and I've always said not yet.
In September last year we were having a discussion, can't remember about what exactly, but it came out that my daughter knew about her being IVF. I froze! My daughter said "I've known since March. Mum told me on my 16th birthday!"
I was furious! I should have been part of that conversation! I wouldn't have told her then because she was just coming up to doing her GCSEs, but she would have been told soon enough.
When I finally calmed down enough to properly discuss this with my wife, she just said, "Sorry, I didn't think it was that big a deal". Even though I'd told her often enough that i didn't think it was the right time.

I'm not saying that it had to be when I said so, but i think a decision like this should definitely have been a joint one with almost a power of veto.
I've deleted the poll as I'm not looking for a score, but just wanted opinions because despite it being months ago, I'm still seriously pissed off about it. I know I've got to have a proper discussion with my daughter about it, and I will, but I think it would have been a lovely discussion for the three of us to have had at the right time. I've effectively had that taken away from me.

I'm genuinely flummoxed as to why this was expected to be an announcement. Its such a common occurrence.

Why make a big deal out of it?

I was also waiting for the drip feed about the donor sperm….. but no!

Really wonder why the OP is so ashamed that their child was fully their gamete’s and made through IVF? Surely to a 16 year old that’s better than thinking abut their parents having sex 😂

Given that the human reproductive cycle including fertility is on the GCSE Biology syllabus, I think waiting until your dd was 16 years old is rather late.
These days it's not a big issue to be conceived in this way.

My 6 year old knows that doctors helped us make her. Our 3 year old doesn't yet, because she hasn't asked about babies yet, but I'll tell her when she asks.

While I agree its a bit annoying that you and your wife were not on the same page about telling her, I don't think there was any reason to wait to 16 and act like its some life changing secret if no donors were involved? Bit baffled by this apprach to be honest.

when she knew I wasn't ready

@Timbuck3 This is utterly bizarre… so this is nothing to do with how your daughter feels about it but a totally internalised process within yourself. Possibly related to unresolved feelings you had/have over having to resort to ivf and not being able to reproduce naturally.

I would suggest if you are still feeling such a weight over a very straightforward matter, then therapy might be useful to help you process past trauma.

Your daughter wasn’t adopted.
She is biologically yours.

There is no big deal over her conception except that you had a medical issue and needed some help.

For one of my DC I had to undergo several surgeries to be able to get pregnant, they’ve known since age 3!! When they started asking about pregnancy, how I felt when pregnant and so on. All explained in age appropriate language. It’s part of their story and I have never considered it necessary to “break it to them” or any such caper. In fact, they love that they were wanted and very special.

I think you’ve blown this up enormously, unless their was an egg donor or a surrogate.

At 16 she is virtually an adult, is able to work, about to drive, very likely sexually active so well aware of the process of conception. When were you going to tell her, when she becomes pregnant herself?

I’m sorry your wife excluded you from that conversation, but you put it off so many times, despite it being of little significance, that I can understand she got fed up or just thought that your daughter was so old that she would definitely be ready to hear and that you could have no objection on that basis.

I also don’t get why it was a big deal. It’s on a par with someone being delivered by c-section or such like. It’s not a big deal at all. I don’t know how anyone would feel differently about themselves or their parents after something like that.

I get that it’s perhaps frustrating to agree something with your wife but it does seem strange to insist she holds back.

You've had 16 years of your wife asking you to 'tell her together'!

When were you going to get around to it? On your deathbed?!

It's also incredibly controlling to completely veto it with no compromise from YOU towards your wife's wish to tell her years ago. You completely ignored her wishes, she just returned the favour.

It's only a big deal because you've made it one - and I've no idea why you've done that. Surely it could have come up perfectly naturally in the 'how babies are made' convo. Or just casually in a conversation about 'when I was pregnant with you xyz'

There's literally no reason to think your DD would react badly to it, or it cause her any stress of any kind. I've no idea why you think it would have been some revelation that would have affected her GCSEs

Literally no kid wants to think about the mechanics of how they were conceived. Please don't have a big intense conversation with her, she'll die of cringe. She knows. There's nothing more to say!

She might, when she starts planning a family, want to know about why in case it affects her fertility. Until then I suspect she will give it no thought whatsoever.

I think that your wife should have told you that she had told your daughter.

If it's not a big deal though does it matter that she didn't find out until she was 16?

If she was adopted fair enough but she’s not 🤷🏻‍♀️

The point people are making is that it isn’t a big deal, but not telling the child for all those years makes it seem more like one. Which is harder on the child.

And it is possible the OP’s wife didn’t tell him because he has form for becoming ‘furious’ over minor challenges to his control of the narrative.

I don’t wish to pile on here, as I get your point about your wife going against a decision you both made. I can see why that might be hurtful.

however, it’s such a non- issue I can’t believe it’s something you need to ‘unveil’. Why on earth do you think this is something she would need be told sensitively? It is not adoption or a genetic illness.

The fact your wife brought this up FOUR TIMES, yet you ‘both’ decided to leave it, means that your wife has wanted to say something for a long time, but you’ve refused. Your wife has respected your choice for your child’s entire childhood- I’d focus on that.

now she’s an adult, there’s no way she’d need to be protected from this information.

If I were you, I’d also reflect on how much you’re listening to your partner and actually compromising with her.

( and fwiw- you are not being flamed for being male…it’s for taking such a rigid stance on a non- issue.)

I don’t think your wife should have told your daughter behind your back but I also don’t understand why you’re making such a big deal of telling your daughter.

Super weird that you made such a huge deal out of this. Your wife probably should have waited since you had discussed it, but frankly after 16 years, maybe she got tired of you being embarrassed? Our DC was in a nanny group with another DC who was conceived with donor sperm because mum decided to have a baby on her own. Without going into details, the kids got the 3yo version and it was a complete non deal.

Why do you think it is a big deal?

I am adopted, now that is a big deal! I was told from a very early age that I was adopted, in fact can't remember when I didn't know.

Stop being weird about it. Your dd is 16!

I would hazard a guess that the few times your wife brought it to your attention were prompted by your dd being of ages when she was asking questions. Did you never have those conversations with her?

given your dd is now 16 exactly how did you envisage that conversation going and how on earth were you going to bring it up?!? You’ve missed the opportunity to turn it into a confidence booster, now it’s more the ‘family history’ bit of a medical questionnaire. I hope your other child knows too.

you need to forget about your wishes, they’re not important. It’s about what’s best for your daughter. And telling her was right for her. She should have been told when she was much younger.
Your wishes were at odds with your wife’s wishes but you feel yours were more important?

You are not a control freak.

If this was the other way around and your wife wanted to be a part of the discussion but you went ahead and told your DD about it without her knowledge, then everyone would say you are the worst person and calling you every name under the sun.

If you want non-biased answers it’s really important to not put what sex you are.

I would be upset like you because this is something you had both discussed and both chosen to talk to her about together.

Then she goes ahead and tells your DD but doesn’t tell you that she’s told her and then gaslights you into acting like she didn’t realise it was such a big deal, knowing full well that it is.

I would be absolutely raging.

But what’s done is done.

I would move on from this and let this one go but I’d keep an eye out for anymore red flags, as honestly this does not sound like a person I’d want to be with.

Both my children were conceived via ICSI IVF.
ExH never dealt with it (perhaps because MF though both our genetic material)

I eventually got fed up & told Ds age 16 (the clinic was clear that we must in case it was a MF inherited issue so he can freeze sperm when young if wished)
I told Dd at the same age.
I was nervous that they might be annoyed that I'd held the info back (entirely exH idea & I didn't agree!). To them it was no big deal at all.

I'd not be annoyed with your wife. Your Dd could find out from her medical records anyway, much better she learns it from her parents. Just cherish her.

If this was the other way around and your wife wanted to be a part of the discussion but you went ahead and told your DD about it without her knowledge, then everyone would say you are the worst person and calling you every name under the sun.

Except there is no credible reason to think they would, and you’ve fully invented that unlikely scenario. You are also conveniently leaving out the bit about OP’s wife patiently waiting and prioritising his wishes over her own for more than a decade. @Nonomono

Is this because you grew up in the 90s when it was a common playground insult to suggest someone had been conceived via IVF? That's honestly the only reason I can think of as to why this is such a big deal. Thank God, attitudes have moved on. You've nothing to worry about. I don't know why you had to wait until she was 16 or make a thing out of it at all. What's the issue?

@Nonomono as with many of these things it's actually what is best for the child, and leaving something until they are 16 (or older as OP didn't feel ready) is making something that isn't a big deal into a big deal. So sometimes it is necessary for one parent to go against the wishes of another, if it is in the best interests of the child.

As stated in an earlier post, I am adopted, best wisdom is to tell an adopted child as soon as possible they are adopted, in an age appropriate way. If my adoptive dad had been like @Timbuck3 saying they weren't ready to tell me, then my mum would probably have had to go against him to tell me when it was best, not when best for him. As it was they listened to the professionals and agreed to tell me as soon as possible.

Was it???

It would be a bigger deal if it was with a donor egg and presumably it wasn't as you've not said that.

I'm unsure why so many people are implying that OP feels shame or embarrasment about needing IVF - wanting to be part of the conversation can be because of many reasons. I think that was unnecessary speculation and maybe more indicative about the posters' feelings around IVF than the OP's. I will also add that I don't understand why people saying the child is biologically theirs (and not donor, adopted etc) so why the secrecy, shame (?!) implies those of us who have non biological children will feel these things. It certainly helps confirms some of the odd reactions I've had when people learn my children are adopted.

Aside from IVF not being a big deal (other than having to go through it as a medical and emotional process) women and their daughters need to be able to openly (and privately if they wish) discuss biological, particularly gynecological, matters and issues. This includes hormones, periods, checking breasts, pregnancy - conception, pregnancy, birth and contraception. You unnecessarily (and without good reason) tried to control an element of this for 16 years. At the most it would have been reasonable to say ‘when this comes up, if possible I’d like to be there.’ That’s it.

You should want your daughter to have a full, open and healthy relationship with her mother on these issues, and even to talk about them with you - if she wishes.