Told she was IVF

[Timbuck3]

Name changed for this:
My wife and I had a child and wanted a second. Wife couldn't conceive again so we went down the IVF route and she fell pregnant. Daughter was born. Wife asked me whether we should tell daughter she was conceived using IVF and I said, Yes, definitely, but only when the time was right.
Wife has asked a few times since and I've always said not yet.
In September last year we were having a discussion, can't remember about what exactly, but it came out that my daughter knew about her being IVF. I froze! My daughter said "I've known since March. Mum told me on my 16th birthday!"
I was furious! I should have been part of that conversation! I wouldn't have told her then because she was just coming up to doing her GCSEs, but she would have been told soon enough.
When I finally calmed down enough to properly discuss this with my wife, she just said, "Sorry, I didn't think it was that big a deal". Even though I'd told her often enough that i didn't think it was the right time.

I'm not saying that it had to be when I said so, but i think a decision like this should definitely have been a joint one with almost a power of veto.
I've deleted the poll as I'm not looking for a score, but just wanted opinions because despite it being months ago, I'm still seriously pissed off about it. I know I've got to have a proper discussion with my daughter about it, and I will, but I think it would have been a lovely discussion for the three of us to have had at the right time. I've effectively had that taken away from me.

OP, the really good news is that it’s done now. She knows and isn’t phased. So you can stop worrying about it. It’s something that you were anticipating being difficult or awkward and actually, it wasn’t and it just came up in conversation one day between your wife and your daughter. Maybe go for a walk/run/gym session/swim and let yourself release that (understandable) worry and upset about not being involved in the conversation. Give yourself a moment to think over whether there’s you really wanted to add to that conversation - anything you want your daughter to know about that time in your lives or the process of IVF you went through. Why is it a awkward topic for you? You might find there’s really nothing you want to add and that’s fine too.

Not sure why a 16 year old would care if she was conceived naturally or through IVF. What does it matter? Is one lesser than the other? I don't think so. Don't think it needs both parents to sit her down and tell her together like it's some big revelation.

I agree, 16 IMO is too old, she should have known at least once she understands how conception works.

My friend’s ds knew he’d been conceived via ivf when he was about 5/6/7.

It should never have been a secret, it should always have been casual so that it was no big deal.

sorry I think yabvu

I don't really understand what difference it makes. I've never found the need to explain to my kids how they were conceived at all. It's unlikely they would ever ask either.

.

I’m inclined to agree with this. I also think that sometimes an opportunity to impart some information to children comes at an unexpected time. So if you don’t say it then, it then becomes a much bigger thing than it needs be. So perhaps your wife took that opportunity rather than leave any longer. I do think 16 is very late to be talking to a child about their birth process. I knew at a young age I was premature and had to stay in hospital because I was ill. It’s just part of my life story that I grew up with. So should IVF be as it isn’t in any way unusual.

YABU

Not because you're a man, but because you clearly wanted to be the one to make the final decision and kept putting it off, and putting it off, and putting it off.

You didn't seem at all interested in your wife's opinion, just yours, on timing.

Your daughter had a right to know, as she herself could be affected by the same issues you and your wife faced someday, and that knowledge could help her. And by constantly delaying the decision unilaterally, you were making it into a bigger deal than it should have been, frankly, almost like it's some 'terrible secret' that shouldn't be talked about. Which isn't the case at all.

You're both unreasonable, she should have been told long before age 16. It's not something that needs to be hidden.

What on earth? You sound insanely controlling for starters! Who on earth cares if she was conceived using IVF? What is the relevance of that? The way you are going on you'd swear you were talking about telling her she was adopted or something. If you are both her biological parents then why is it such a big deal that the egg and sperm met in a test tube and then had a normal pregnancy in her mother's womb? Your behaviour about this is utterly strange. Its no big deal, stop acting like your daughter is some kind of freak that needs a big adjustment to this irrelevant news. She's not Frankenstein's monster! Do you realise how common IVF is?!

You’re making it a way bigger thing that it should be. It’s that kind of drama that would make a kid feel there’s something wrong with being IVF.

And had the OP told her first, without the mother?

I don’t understand why you’re so het up about this

I think it's totally wrong of your wife to tell her when you had asked her not to. Saying that I also think it's very strange to make it such a big deal. One of my children found out they were conseved through ivf when they were 9 the other child also found out that they may well struggle to have children when they were 8. Neither child thought of it as a big deal.

Well no, it’s not “double standards”, because it’s a hypothetical scenario you’ve completely invented.

Women get torn to bits on here daily over all sorts of things. I am certain that if this scenario were gender-flipped everyone would still think the OP was being controlling and ridiculous.

What IS a double standard is the OP ignoring his wife’s wishes for 16 years, and then flipping out and accusing her of ignoring his.

Eh?

One of my kids is IVF... the only thing that slightly changes is he can have zero doubt about how deeply wanted he was.

An IVF child (unless you used a donor) is EXACTLY the same as a natural conceived child... this isn't like telling her shes adopted where she might have questions about her bio/dna links. Literally NOTHING has changed except knowing her mam actively tried hard to have her instead of her possibly being a 'suprise' pregnancy.

This isn’t about you. This is about your daughter.

Your wife would have told her much younger but you continually blocked her.

In the end she decided to go ahead and yes she should have had a discussion with you but your obstinacy over the subject, and dragging everything out for an unnecessarily long period may have put her off approaching you.

If this conception involved a donor egg or sperm and your daughter is not biologically yours then perhaps you are right because it would be a lot to process for a young person.

But otherwise, assisted reproduction is so common these days that it isn’t that much of a big deal.

Was the reproductive issue to do with you, what was your reasoning agonising over this so much?

Meh. Not a big deal.

Just because one handmaiden panders to you. Sigh. But it's all a big anti man conspiracy. I feel sorry for your wife and daughter having such a man baby to tiptoe around.

She wasn’t stolen and sold on the black market. I don’t know why you thought something should be kept so secret?!

This is something you should have approached when she was young just casually saying that the Drs helped but her in mummy’s tummy.

No need for the secrecy

No donor involved it is really not a big deal. If you had wanted a "lovely conversation", presumably about her being so much wanted &c &c, the time to do it was waaaay before 16. Frankly, it should have been way before 16 lovely conversation or not, because younger children generally absorb and accept information like this more matter of factly than those in the throes of being a teenager, in my experience.

Also for the record.

IVF is your WIFE's medical history and body not yours, it did and does not effect you or DD body. That is unless you did TESE, but in almost all IVF your part of ejaculating is non medical.

She is the one who had surgery and can choose to discuss what happened to HER body or not, not you.

OP, do YOU feel ashamed about doing IVF? I think you're being unreasonable because you've got issues with it. No one else does.

Why was it a big deal?
You just say most babies are made this traditional way. You were IVF, which is another way babies can be made.

They can know from a young age. But it really isn't an issue.

You delayed and delayed, your wife had to man up as you clearly cannot,not that it’s an issue if your daughter is biologically both of yours. You should be thanking her as she handled an issue you wussed out of.